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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: My ex BPD is on holiday with her replacement. In am in excruciating pain.  (Read 4488 times)
Mutt
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« Reply #30 on: July 21, 2016, 05:48:50 PM »

Mutt,

For self care I exercise, do some therapy and try and distract myself by going on short holidays with friends. But my mind is always on her at the moment. This is the way it is. Perhaps I just need to do time so it's trick and sit with the pain for a while. Accept it.

I understand that you want to go through the pain and not take the long way around. I find that going to the gym and working out clears my mind, it elevates my mood and I feel less tense and relaxed.
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"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
zonnebloem
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« Reply #31 on: July 22, 2016, 04:03:34 AM »

 

Hello Dutched,

 I do like chatting to you:

True: "What is normal for the spider in its web, is chaos for the fly."

thanks to remind me... .I feel hurt to tell "my" BPD (I am Dutchspeaking)
that he cannot just come back to me after his one month holiday with his daughters as if he never heard me saying that things would be over if he does so. Ok ... .I put it "Black and white now but of course it isn't"... .a lot of arguing and pain have gone over this matter. I didn't realise him having BPD at that time. It only came to my mind as he left to travel with his daughters.
 As you say... .it hurts enough to see (I see it, and the family has probably gotten used to it?) that he has found a replacement for his pain in adoring and being slave of his daughter (16) and many more members of his family, 4 kids etc.

I feel pain too... .he once asked me if he had to feel this PAIN for the rest of his life.
Sad. I also wonder if I'll Always have to put up with this sadness in me that, as I can tell, many other people don't see to have... .

I can feel grattitude for what I have, yes.
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Edward1981

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« Reply #32 on: July 23, 2016, 04:53:39 PM »

Hi everyone,

This is the situation. I am following her in social media and I am seeing that she is still contact of the ex (the guy she left for me) but is also liking the pictures of the guy she left me for.

I have a strong urge to send her a message and get involved again. I seem to want to reconnect and her affirmation. The addiction has kicked in. The ex flew to New York and is in the same place as her. Am sure they have reconnected. We dated for 8 months, they were together for 4 years.

Please advise.

Thank you!
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« Reply #33 on: July 23, 2016, 05:04:28 PM »

I have a strong urge to send her a message and get involved again.

For what purpose Edward?  What's the goal?
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Edward1981

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« Reply #34 on: July 23, 2016, 05:11:02 PM »

The goal is that I want that attention again. I want to know that could not have possibly just gotten over me like I don't exist.
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« Reply #35 on: July 23, 2016, 05:12:56 PM »

It's like a part of me wants to be part of the drama again. Like an addiction. I want to win her love.
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« Reply #36 on: July 23, 2016, 05:14:32 PM »

I feel left out in that love triangle? Make sense? Or maybe I have just turned crazy... .
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zonnebloem
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« Reply #37 on: July 23, 2016, 05:32:08 PM »

 

Better get some sleep!

Sleep heals too!

Good night all of you!
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« Reply #38 on: July 23, 2016, 05:38:09 PM »

The goal is that I want that attention again.

Well, you can certainly do that if that's what you want.  And if she exhibits significant traits of the disorder we can tell you how that will end, and it won't be good, but if you must do it, then do it.

Excerpt
I want to know that could not have possibly just gotten over me like I don't exist.

Someone who lacks the ability to soothe their own emotions, like they're turned up to 10 all the time, is going to develop psychological tools to be able to live with herself.  It's not that you don't exist, it's that feeling the feelings around her relationship with you is too painful or at least too emotional, so she uses the tools to not feel them.  And she's been practicing her entire life so she's good at it.

Excerpt
It's like a part of me wants to be part of the drama again. Like an addiction. I want to win her love.

Is it love or is it an addiction?  Love is a warm, mellow feeling, an addiction is intense, an urge, a compulsion.  And can you win someone's 'love' by chasing an addiction?

Excerpt
I feel left out in that love triangle? Make sense? Or maybe I have just turned crazy... .

No not crazy, you've just had your own stuff triggered by a borderline, which is either a curse or it's the gift of the relationship, because of the growth it inspired within us.  But first we need to get off the roller coaster, whenever we're ready.
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« Reply #39 on: July 24, 2016, 12:49:09 AM »

 


Edward... .stop folowing her on social media? What is the goal? the result is PAIN.
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« Reply #40 on: July 24, 2016, 07:47:33 AM »

I am having a hard time letting go of her, that's why am still following her on social media. I am still with the hope that she will come back. But then I think to myself she didn't experience the same attachment as me and that kills me.

Contacting her will only feed her ego and will not give me what I need. Am very confusing.

I think to myself does she ever think of me? I posted a picture about 10 days ago which she liked, and so did a bunch of other girls. The next day she unliked my picture. Not sure what the point of that was. I still go through times where I compulsively want to get in touch with her. It's crazy.
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« Reply #41 on: July 24, 2016, 10:35:10 AM »

But then I think to myself she didn't experience the same attachment as me and that kills me.

So is it safe to say the relationship you thought you had with her didn't exist?  In which case what you're missing has nothing to do with her, except for the way she fit into your version of the relationship in your head?
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« Reply #42 on: July 24, 2016, 10:45:02 AM »

Perhaps it is safe. Unless she did experience parts of it like me but because I have done a lot of work on myself, and clearly still have a way to go, she couldn't handle the fact that I was pushing her to go to therapy... .I guess that is the moment of truth.
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« Reply #43 on: July 24, 2016, 10:53:33 AM »

she couldn't handle the fact that I was pushing her to go to therapy

So if she went to therapy, and "fixed" what was "broken", then she would see things your way and then you'd be in the same relationship?
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« Reply #44 on: July 24, 2016, 11:05:21 AM »

It's a good point. Thanks for that. Therefore I was attracted to her because of her dysfunction is what you are saying, that's my work. Had she not had the dysfunction, perhaps I would not have gone for her?
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« Reply #45 on: July 24, 2016, 11:14:20 AM »

Therefore I was attracted to her because of her dysfunction is what you are saying, that's my work. Had she not had the dysfunction, perhaps I would not have gone for her?

No, what I'm asking is, did you know on some level that you weren't on the same page, and you'd done a lot of work on yourself, and if she'd just do that work too, then you could create the relationship with her that you saw in your head?

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« Reply #46 on: July 24, 2016, 11:24:44 AM »

Yes I knew that. I did go in there with the "am gonna save you" syndrome. She did acknowledge that something was off. We were in the long distance relationship with me in London and her in LA, also with her family being based in London.

She did attend 3 therapy sessions in London as I pushed her to do so but then never continued. I feel like perhaps I was being a little too pushy with her with the whole therapy thing and my fixing syndrome, and perhaps that pushed her away. The next guy I don't think has done the same type of deep therapy as I have and has issues of his own. He was perhaps an easier target to manipulate. She knew I was not gonna left her off the hook. But sometimes I say to myself, if I was not so pushy wouldn't have that have come naturally from her if I layer off a bit. I feel guilt about that at times.
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« Reply #47 on: July 24, 2016, 11:30:08 AM »

So if she wouldn't do the work to "fix" herself, wouldn't it be easier to let her go and eventually start a relationship with someone who doesn't need to be "fixed"?  Or was it your desire to fix and rescue someone that attracted you to her in the first place?
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« Reply #48 on: July 24, 2016, 04:15:49 PM »

I think you are right. The fact that she made me feel like her saviour elevated my ego and this got me hooked into the relationship.

I have a question. I believe she is now secretly seeing the guy whom she was dating for 5 years before me, who pretty much defines her existence because of her lack of self, but is also seeing the guy she left me for. She is having a hard time letting go of the ex who she was with longest. What eventually happens in that relationship? Because I guess without him she does not know who she is. Does that just go on indefinitely?
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« Reply #49 on: July 24, 2016, 04:34:15 PM »

She is having a hard time letting go of the ex who she was with longest. What eventually happens in that relationship? Because I guess without him she does not know who she is. Does that just go on indefinitely?

Borderlines hate to lose attachments, it's the worst thing that could happen, a replaying of that earliest attachment they failed to successfully detach from, the conditions that created the disorder to begin with.  So if the old guy and the new guy are both indicating to her there's an emotional attachment in place, she will continue trying to retain those attachments.  She may show up in your world at some point too; she may be too busy with other attachments or too consumed with shame when it comes to you right now, but that may change and you may show up on her radar as someone who can soothe emotions she can't soothe on her own, "rescue" her again, and if she does it will typically be as if nothing ever happened between you, another idealization phase, which will be shorter than the last.  The only one to sever the attachment permanently is you.

Goes back to what's the goal.  Personally I have no room for such chaos and instability in my life anymore, I've learned the lessons and have moved on, but for a long time I hadn't, I understand.
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zonnebloem
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« Reply #50 on: July 25, 2016, 04:30:26 PM »

 

Could it be that chasing her became a sport? Would you be too bored if you'd let go?
Do you realy realy realy want her back with everything you know?
What is you goal?

I wouln't, I don't, holding on is a sort of addiction.

True... you seem young enough to be able to find a nicer relationship.

You must realise that you play with your health. Nobody is worth that.
It seems like a game, Are you bad at losing games? Can you accept a loss?
Is your health well and truely worht doing what you do for someone you do not even want anymore? If she stood next to you... .now... would you be able to love her? How long for? Is the energy that you spend chasing her worh all this?

I hope you can say: "Forgive them because they don't know what they do."
Cannot imagine you fancy having kids with her?
Take your loss and... .try to be happy or is it just so much easier to be unhappy and blame to that all on her? If don't follow her, you can do things that can make you happy. Why are you afraid to be happy?
Get a life.
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Xstang77
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« Reply #51 on: July 25, 2016, 04:38:53 PM »

They say if there the recycling type then only you can cut the ties,however in my experience that's not true,my ex and I recycled 4 times but this time she has a replacement and she's completely disappeared from my life,nc almost a month.
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zonnebloem
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« Reply #52 on: July 25, 2016, 05:01:13 PM »

 
Hello Xstang77

That doesn't mean that you cut the ties? a month seems not much to me.
I haven't seen "my BPD" for one month and it still seems like yesterday... .
Because I think too much in the past, with him.

Anyhow... over here it is midnight and I'm off to sleep.
I Always ask my angelguard to give me wise and good sleep/dreams.
Some dreams are very helpfull to feel detached from what keeps me unhappy.
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Xstang77
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« Reply #53 on: July 25, 2016, 06:31:02 PM »


Hello Xstang77

That doesn't mean that you cut the ties? a month seems not much to me.
I haven't seen "my BPD" for one month and it still seems like yesterday... .
Because I think too much in the past, with him.

Anyhow... over here it is midnight and I'm off to sleep.
I Always ask my angelguard to give me wise and good sleep/dreams.
Some dreams are very helpfull to feel detached from what keeps me unhappy.
hey, I posted on my fb not my problem anymore when she posted pictures of her and another guy who she's now in a relationship with not even 4 days after being intimate and lovey with me,she messaged me "so what's good with your status?" That was on the 6th and I never replied in my experience that's not enough to cut ties with her,this is the longest we've ever gone without contact in the 2 years we've known each other,so I guess In my mind I wouldn't count that as enough to cut ties especially after all we've been through,just feels to me that she's found a new host to feed off of and I'm probably not even a spec in her memory,what's your opinion?
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« Reply #54 on: July 26, 2016, 01:46:55 AM »

 

Hello Xstang,

 You were 2 years "together" so I jou must be in her memory.
You do well not to anwser on what she posts.
You seem like a good gay with his head screwed on.

So, in the end, she is the one that looses.

do you care if she is in your memory? Can you fill your life without her?
Can you move on and concider it a memory?
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« Reply #55 on: July 26, 2016, 10:59:01 AM »

I'm working on filling my life without her,I guess in my case though she had no issue finally cutting our tie/attachment now that she has someone new,guess I just found it odd compared to what most people say.
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« Reply #56 on: July 26, 2016, 12:34:31 PM »

Staff only

This thread has reached its posting limit. Please feel free to start a new topic to continue the discussion.
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