BPDFamily.com

I accidentally put my post on the deciding board so won't go in to the whys and why nots of that post.

I've finally been painted black! I'm sure it's happened in the past but this time I can feel it and see it. We tried again and tbh, with hindsight, I think I could feel and see the devaluation happening too. It's like she no longer cared about masking the BPD. Maybe she was goading me these past few months. I called her out on it as I could see and feel the discard. She would say things or I'd catch her looking at me in a certain way that looked and sounded devaluing. I think I angered her as I think she hadn't fully discarded me. I think she had a bigger discard waiting for me but me calling her out on how I felt she was using me left her with no hiding place thus having no defence for herself. She just cut me off with cruel words. I blocked her for the weekend as didn't want her playing any games with me but unblocked her again. We've had words this morning and she has said I'm nothing but a headache to her and she no longer loves me and that this time is the final goodbye.

Now I've not been a saint and it takes two to tango but why am i the headache. She lied, cheated, played me, manipulated me, gaslighted me, used me and did the cruelest things to me so how comes she deserves better? I never once did any of those things to her yet she deserves more!

Is this the norm when they finally discard? Is it normal for them to walk away blaiming their other halves for everything that has gone wrong?

I'm baffled, angry and hurt that she has said that after all we have been through together and now she has run off in to the night and blocked any means of communication. It's clear she has old/new supply I think if she has just shut the door like that. She's never done that before and she refuses to see me face to face.

sorry bud 

but sounds familiar!

welcome to the dark side.

we have cookies !  |iiii

Is this typical, being painted black, action?

Slag you off, tell you you mean nothing to them, tell you they don't love you, throw a few more cruel things your way, block you, run off leaving you with the blame whilst saying they deserve better treatment?

Am I getting the BPD Bulls&£t?

Yes.

+1

 

sorry bud, its what they do!

Welcome to the club. To quote another website "here lies the discard pile"

Think attachments with borderlines.  You had an emotional attachment with her, and I don't know your whole story Dazed, but the relationship ended, which she interprets as abandonment, regardless of what actually went down.  A borderline being abandoned is the worst thing that could happen, the emotions get intense, shame starts to creep in, so making you the scumbag and offloading all of the reasons and blame for the demise of the relationship onto you makes her feel better, simple as that.  And it's common for a borderline to play victim with new attachments, saying that they've been treated wrong by all these evil people, which serves double duty of eliciting sympathy from the new attachment, in order to attach, and also continue the offloading of negative emotions onto the ex.

We all do that to some extent don't we?  Blame someone else for something that might not be entirely their fault to make us feel better?  This is that on steroids.

So what's next for you Dazed?

Yeah she did that to me about her ex's at the start of our 4 years together. I could never understand how 3 out of 4 of them were made out to be lunatics and the 1 who isn't happens to be her kids Dad so I guess he couldn't be all that bad as she needed him for access and money. I know she's doing it to me and the way she went about her business I wouldn't be surprised if she's been slagging me off the entire time we've been together. I certainly know she's done that with her family. She'll be buying in to the bull that she speaks to them and they'll all have an opinion also but sadly not one of them knows who she is and what she is. I feel for her kid as she lost her for 4 years and she'll lose her again when she grows up. It's sad but I can already see the game at play with her kid.

I don't know what's next! I haven't thought much about myself over the past 4 years other than think of her and try to make her happy. I don't even know who I am anymore. I guess that's why I happily walked in to the recycles the way I did, she made me complete. Oh yes she did that alright, she made me a complete mess.

As I sit here thinking about it, I feel she has turned this all around on to me! Like she's scarpered labelling me the crazy one. If truth be told I'm wondering if I'm on the ticket myself!

hi bud

have you looked at psychological projection, it really is hard fro us normal people to understand, but do some reading

Complementing fromheeltoheal's words... .typically, BPDs end a r/s when they perceive lack of attentions (so, fear of abandonment ensues), too much fights (caused by their own drama-making... .again, fear of abandonment ensues), they get engulfed, etc. The possible combinations are quite a lot.

Regardless, to these things they usually react with very bad actions/words that are taken on impulse (i.e., cheating, emotional abuse, physical abuse, etc.); however, even if they have a disorder, they know right from wrong, and given the very poor self-esteem that characterizes BPDs, they feel a very deep, dark shame.

In order to tackle this shame, psychological defense mechanisms kick-in, where they paint (split) their (ex-)partner as "all black": by doing this, they see "all bad" in you, thus avoiding feelings of shame -- even if temporarily.

Obviously, this is deeply dysfunctional: indeed, when a r/s ends, even us nons do these kind of things up to some extent, but the "intensity" exibithed by BPDs is - simply - mind-boggling; this is also why many BPDs paint you "white" again down the line, or they have a very peculiar grieving process that is often named "reverse grieving": differently from us nons, they have big difficulties to see "shades of grey".

So basically they act out, feel horrible for the hurt that they have caused, find fault in you and then justify their action without looking back?

More or less... .the reason is their inability to handle emotions -- thus avoiding to act on impulses -- and to introspect to learn from their mistakes.

That's why BPD is a disorder... .because it is a set of rigid, inflexible thoughts and behaviours -- stemming from the fear of being abandoned -- that only therapy can change/eliminate over time.

Thanks for the heads up, I'll give it a look.

I'm sitting here on my arse, yet again, struggling to leave the house, caught between fight or flight whilst neglecting myself, yet she's got her family and her friends backing her to the hilt and here I sit bawling my eyes out, feeling completely broken.

As things were unfolding over the past month her words and actions didn't match at all. One week she was saying one thing, doing another and this repeated for a month. When we were together it felt amazing but I knew, as I always did on reflection, that something was amiss.

I called her out on her actions not matching her words and she kicked right off. I could sense the devalue/discard happening and by me calling her out over her words and actions not matching she reverted to nastiness saying cruel things. At this point I said to her, that's it and then temp blocked her as I was so angry with her. So am I right in thinking that when I blocked her after the cruel things she said that's triggered her abandonment issues?

Unfortunately, it is not so infrequent that BPDs are able to get support from their family (btw, most of the times the disorder stems from a dysfunctional family... .) or circle of friends. They don't know the truth, anyway, hence They can be manipulated quite easily.

Especially when it comes to friends, they know only her "mask", since the disorder is apparent usually with the people closest to her.

Also, the fact that her family backs her... .makes me think that the family is dysfunctional, if she's indeed BPD (the family must know that something is wrong... .)

My suggestion is to establish NC and focus on your own well-being. A big hug

PS: yes, very likely you triggered her fears of abandonment when you blocked her; anyway, this is a game you can't win, BPD makes relationships too much dysfunctional; so, without any therapy, in the end there's no solution.

From what i read therapy only helps manage the symptoms of the disorder not change or eliminate.

See I've never experienced this coldness before, which is why, for the first time, I can feel the darkness of her painting me black. Her blocking me speaks volumes. I once said to her, through a silent treatment, your silence is deafening. It feels more than deafening this time though. It's like all other senses have been shut down and she's taken everything away with her.

I know she has gone

You know, after the breakup (happened 17 months ago) she started to treat me in the most possible uncaring and unempathetic way, critizing me for everything, and depicting me as an horrible partner... .

This went on for slightly less than 2 months, during which I was trying to "win her back"; just before NC was established (on both sides), she humiliated me by having almost sex with my replacement (now an ex himself, lol) in front of me... .mind that she was kissing me only a few hours earlier... .

There's really no limit about what they can do once their SO reaches the devaluation stage.

Unfortunately, this kind of behaviours represents the "rule" when dealing with pwBPD, it's part of the disorder... .once you enter the devaluation phase, you'll likely end up trashed away very badly.

Yes it is very common.  BPD can't seem to handle any of it being their fault.  It's like it challenges who they are and it can put them in a very dangerous mental situation.




"I'm baffled, angry and hurt that she has said that after all we have been through together and now she has run off in to the night and blocked any means of communication. It's clear she has old/new supply I think if she has just shut the door like that. She's never done that before and she refuses to see me face to face. "


so understandable what you are feeling.  Most of us have been there if not ALL of us.  That is part of the hard part of moving on.  We never get any closure or a discussion of "your a good guy, we just aren't good together."  No being friends after this kind of treatment.  I found it very weird too because I am friendly will all of my other exes. I see them as good people and I see their strengths.  I still care about their well being.

This response from BPD that we are worthless is very hard to overcome. You have to be strong enough to know yourself that you are worthy and you can't let their words get into your head.  You have to know better... .

Bunny

That's because the attachment with the 3 has been severed, so they have to be lunatics, the option being take some responsibility for the demise of the relationship, and a borderline won't go there, they can't.  The attachment is still in place with the kid's father because of the kids, so he's not a scumbag yet, at least not to that level, but that could change.


And you were there voluntarily yes?  And you did what many of us did, developed an identity around caring for a person with large emotional needs, as a backhanded way to get your needs met.  When we put other people's needs ahead of our own, to the extreme that we don't even know we have them anymore or what they are, it's called codependency.  And make no mistake, it was a way to try and get your needs met, but in a weak, dysfunctional way.

And the good news is, since you don't know who you are, you can now reinvent yourself any way you want, using all this newfound wisdom about yourself you've gained, on the way to creating the life of your dreams.  What does that look like for you Dazed?  Come up with something, we insist.

Dazed, i will tell you this:

In the devaluation stormwind that eventually led to my discard, i have had many nights that my cellphone was constantly bleeping with txt after txt coming in from her, one blame after the other , "you are the biggest liar in the world", "you never loved me", "you destroyed it all", "you are sick", "we are done"

Could fill a book like that.

Now months later, i know that these devaluation wall of txts coincided EXACTLY with her coming out of online flirting and sexting sessions with other man.

So... .it didn't even have to do anything with me or who i was in the relationship, or whatever happened between us.

She needed to rationalize why she would be able to be on this obsessed night after night flirting rampage, and still somewhat in a relationship with me. So instead of feeling wrong about her own actions... .she needed to cast them off on me... .make me the reason she 'cheated' online.

And as to why she went on this flirting expedition... .hunt for attention to subdue her perceived abandonment fears. You can be locked to them by chains and they still can believe you will leave them.

So,  it doesn't have to do anything with you. It is whatever they need to believe based on whatever feeling they need to manage... .

I can accept its who she is and now I'm on the blackened side of the fence, the past relationships and what she told me about them now fits perfectly to where I am at with her. Just a shame i let her have 4 years of my life and my kids lives.

I just want a simple life that's all. To find myself again, be confident and have self esteem and a belief I'm actually an alright guy. Financial security wouldn't go a miss either haha

Actually we all project all the time; we can positively project too, like that fantasy most of us projected onto our exes, and it wasn't until everything sucked that it was undeniable our partner and our projection of them didn't match.  With a borderline it's just to the extreme, like most things; a borderline projects so well that whatever the new version is becomes irrefutable fact in their heads.

I was painted blacker than midnight, my friend, for about 6 months. I was ghosted, blamed, totally ignored, I know that he talked about me to others painting me as the villain of the piece. I was in a horrible, horrible place.

Guess what? He came back.

Oh, and now he's not talking to me again, because of some other external thing that happened.

IS there really a 'final discard'? Is there? Because I was told that I was 'deleted' from his life and that I no longer existed to him. When I went to his house after 6 months apart, all of my things were still there, in situ. He still has my gifts and photos of me - I know because he referenced them.

I am beginning to think that the 'final discard' is only when one of you dies!  lol

Even though he's pretending I don't exist once again, and even though it's causing me a lot of pain, I find myself slightly strangely detached from it this time. I don't know... .just can't really seem to take it seriously anymore. It really is like the little boy who cried wolf.

Oh BTW I am blocked on everything you care to name... .Skype, Insta, FB... .the only thing I'm not blocked on at the moment is Whatsapp. He needed that when he started messaging me after coming back in my life after 6 months.

I have tried to send one or two messages on this during this latest ST or whatever it is I'm experiencing this time... .they've been ignored but not blocked. But the last one I sent a couple of days ago as it happens, he has steadfastly made a point of not reading. If it wasn't all so sad, it would be funny. I know it's gone to his phone, but he has deliberately not read it. I think he is in a bad place of shame/guilt with regards to me this time around. He probably can't face it - although of course, I have as usual been nothing but kind in my message - hence why he's not blocked me. There's nothing else to 'blame' me for this time so it's himself he's running away from. He's not angry with me.

It's all so terribly sad. And I miss him so much but boy, this is like nothing I've ever experienced in my life.

She's never cut me off like this before and I'm wondering if I should try her email but then I think if I do she'll label me a stalker meaning she then has more ammo on me to tell her supporters. I'm guessing I've been painted blacker than black so why make it worse. It's pretty obvious she doesn't want to talk so I guess I should softly slip away and just get on with me and my life.

It is sad your right. I went to bed in pieces last night and couldn't sleep properly. I keep playing things through in my mind, things she said and her actions over the past month really make me draw the conclusion that she has finally painted me black. I don't know how to take this really as she has never done this before.

I saw her briefly yday as we passed one another in our cars. She didn't see me but as I watched her move past in slow moving traffic I had long enough to see her face and the look was one of hatred even though she didn't see me. Her BPD shows on her face and always has. She couldn't keep the mask on around me so when I saw her I could see she is in full on BPD mode.

The craziness may start this weekend. We both have free weekends from the kids as we were going to spend it together. She'll be out and about on the prowl looking to get over me with someone and I know full well she'll want to let me know of this. Not directly but she'll try find a way. Really need to find some strength to get through all of this. If she's turned me black then there's nothing I can do apart from stop my craziness over this.

 

As written above: It is what they do! It happens to me too... .the only one that doesn't need T is them... .in their eyes.
My ex- pwBPD would NOT understand why I could not get on with his JEALOUS family but I do get along with my friends... .so he'd be jealous of my friends, blaming me I don't fitt in that (sick) family and ... .oh well... .the manipulating story. I find it very hard to except that he CAN NOT understand that my friends and his family are different the way they act and think.
Are people "all the same" to them?

what kind of relationship do you deserve?

you are trying to read her mind through her thoughts when she is in a car. 

please look into hypervigilance

are you seeing a therapist?  |iiii

most of us see a therapist. i am in CODA 

 
Hey Stripey 7!

After a few weeks of non-communicating, I was invited back in the house of this pwBPD and the ironingboard stood there just as I had left it (in an angry mood because his daughter is number one AND she nows it.)
It makes me feel sorry for them... pitty sure my pictures are in the same spot.

To say that: I've not moved on the way I should (for my own health) neither, because if I had... I wouldn' be posting ... .I guess.

I wasn't reading her mind, her facial expressions have always spoken volumes but I hear what you are saying as I am sitting here in the silence trying to work it all out.

Don't sit there. Book a therapist. Have a shower. Eat.

Think of YOU! You do matter! We all do! We have been treated horribly by NUTS people who do not bother to heal themselves... .they are happy hurting others!
And giving us ALL THE BLAME because they cannot face ANY responsibilities! Poor souls!

Monsters.

we have all been there, you are focused on helping her, stop caretaking  |iiii

you cannot help anyone if you are not strong.

that is your one overriding goal right now!

and contact with her will tear you down, please listen to us we have all been there.

but it is your decision we will still all support you 

one day hopefully you will get to the root of your problems that doesn't let you caretake you!  :)

Oh I'm not going running back begging nor will I allow her back in not after this. She's painted me black so there is no way back even if it's something I did want.

I now know I need to move forward. I can't afford a T at the moment but it's on my list of things to do as I recognise how twisted up I am as a result of this. I allowed it, went against the advice of others and watched her act out her devaluing and discard game on me. I allowed that and I need to look at that as I move forward.

A friend said to me this morning, she has given you the power back. I didn't understand what he was getting at to start with but he advised, she has given you the power to move on now she has removed herself from your world. Makes a lot of sense and I now need to stop and take action for myself. Where to begin tho?

Hug yourself
And buy the book Psychopath free.
Now

Hi DazedD40

It's not an easy road back, but your friend is right.  

To be free from the drama, from the hurt we experienced daily, from the confusion, from always trying to make them feel how much we loved them, but never succeeding, is a relief.

It doesn't come straight away, but you will feel stronger each day.  I know I have been.  

I am still very up and down.  But I feel like I have taken 20 steps forward, so when I get hit with the pain and sadness and longing for him, I only go back a step, or two.  Not back to the start, where it hurts the most.

I hope and wish you can stay strong and focus on yourself now.

That's what I'm doing.  Everytime I miss and crave him, which has been a lot, I also put a thought beside the longing, a thought of the reality, of how hurt he made me feel.  It keeps me strong and stops me pretending we were the perfect couple.

Thats what hurts the most for me, longing for her, longing, missing and loving someone that has caused me so much emotional pain and anguish and someone that has played me for a fool for four long years.

This past month or so she didn't even try to hide herself and what she was doing. The mask was off and it feels like she was goading me by dropping clues and hints as to what she was doing. It feels like she was doing it on purpose and didn't care if I knew or not. I've never told her about what I've learnt about BPD/NPD so I think that she really didn't clock that I was on to her. She thinks I'm stupid enough that I'd buy it even though she didn't have her mask on. More fool her really as I'm really not a stupid bloke. May take a while to get there but when I do I do.

I do however think I scuppered some kind of final play from her twisted play book. Whether there is new supply in the shape of another man or if it's something else, I'm pretty sure she had one final play that I stopped dead in its tracks by calling her out over her behaviours and actions. I don't think the new supply was ready to unwittingly play there role in the discard as I think her seeing me was as a stop gap until she was sure her new supply was acquired and ready to be played in her game with me.

She turned so cold so quickly and in the blink of an eye switched to saying cruel and damn right nasty things before I cut her off and blocked her. Now I'm suspecting the reason she has now blocked me is because I've set off her abandonment issue.

If I'm right about the above then I guess I fu£&bed her over twice before fully discarding me. I left her in limbo. New supply not fully secured and I called time before she was ready to finish the discard. No wonder she's painted me black. Guess I'm the enemy but I'm the enemy on day 2 of my recovery. Doesn't feel like I'm recovering but I guess given time I will.

Your friend is right, I'd keep that friend.  You could have taken your power back and you didn't, but she gave it to you, so one way or the other, you have it.


By deciding how you want to live, what the life of your dreams looks like.  If you've been putting someone else's needs ahead of your own, to the point you forgot you had needs, pretty common around here, your ability to act in your own best interest may need to be jumpstarted now, to get the juices flowing again, so saying "I don't know" to the question of how you want to live doesn't cut it, force yourself to come up with something, and build from there.  So how do you want to live?

you are longing for a dream, for a facade that doesn't exist.

it was created to get you 

and when she got you, she used you.

its what they do, the person you fell in love with was a fantasy to get what they want!

Yeah I get that now and as hard as it is to understand or accept, that's just the way it is.

I don't know what my life looks like or what it is I want. I'm struggling to get out of bed so trying to think what I want life to be is difficult. I'm on my arse, lost my job, had to move out my flat and to be honest I feel at the bottom of the pile. I don't know how to pull myself out of this at the moment let alone think what I want. I'm just happy if I manage to eat something and brush my teeth. I'm on my arris in a big way.

I hardly have any clothes or belongings after she took them to the dump in a rage. Makes me think I should throw her belongings away. She left a ring she claims her kids dad brought her. Said to me that she wore it throughout our relationship saying, that shows how little you meant to me. Feel like throwing it in the bin. Why should I give it back to her after the way she has treated me?

I feel crippled with fear, I feel less than, useless and hurting like hell.

once you hit rock bottom

only way is up

this is day 1

it only gets better  |iiii

I hope so!

My head won't switch off no matter how hard I try, I'm searching anything BPD related, stalking her social media (god it's hard not too), checking to see if she's unblocked me etc...

I know it's over, I know I'm painted black, I sense she has new supply, I know I triggered her abandonment, I feel the blame she has placed on me. I know this yet can't stop thinking about her, us and this situation I'm in.

I don't feel I can pull myself up anymore. I'm neglecting everything and don't know where to start.

it wasn't your fault was it!

your deserve better!

you are in a better place than her because you have the courage to look at your issues!

get help
improve and find someone wonderful   |iiii

we are all the same here  |iiii

See that's what makes this so scary!

I've come on here in the past, few posts, gained some knowledge on BPD, talked to friends and I went back to her thinking, yeah but they could all be wrong, they don't know her the way I do. I had doubts and guess I didn't want to face them but it's something I could no longer ignore.

I am now in a place where I have no doubts whatsoever. That's scary because I am, although stories differ, the same as you all.

I can't hide from it, excuse it or allow it anymore.

Yes, I understand Dazed, been there, done that.  And creating a compelling vision for what you want your life to be will get you out of bed, get you moving, get you inspired; that's where it starts.  And the good thing about being at rock bottom is the only way to go is up, and since you're starting over again, you can create any life you want for yourself, it's a blank slate.

So what's one thing you want in your future that isn't in your life right now?

Looked at that question and my head said, I want her back! How mad is that?

Tbh there's opportunities all around me. I left my career earlier in the year so employment wise I need to buck my ideas up and really put some serious effort to find a job to tide me over and then find a decent career whether going back to my old one or starting afresh in a new sector. Ideally I'd like to become self employed but I need to gain some skills and get my finances in order again before I can do that but nonetheless I can still start planning for that.

There is a woman that's interested in having a relationship with me and has made it pretty clear she wants me. Been chatting to her but I've kept my distance and not gone there with her and kept it as friends. I don't want to rush in to anything as clearly I'm still caught up with my ex. However she is offering me what I've always wanted. A partner and a family environment. I wanted that so badly with my ex and had it for a while until she switched. I've known this girl for years and although we never had a physical relationship and there was periods of years without seeing or talking to one another we are now back in touch and she's saying, are we going to give it a go or not. Maybe I should I don't know. I'm to scared right now to move let alone get in to another relationship. Maybe this girl has a point though. We both have been in relationships that didn't work, ignored being in a relationship for one reason or another yet here we are back in touch.

So lots going on, lots can happen, positives all around, negatives that can be turned to positives yet here I am ignoring them whilst allowing myself to become a mess because of the hurt the woman I love has caused me.

I'll climb out the pool of self pity at some point. I have, after past discards, got to a place where I feel ok and I guess I'm going through a process which will lead me back to that place. That's usually when she comes back though so need to be guarded as I try move forward.

you need to decide contact or NC 

this will probably mean the difference between separation and recycle

good luck

Well she's blocked me so I'm guessing I've been painted black so no chance of a recycle anymore. Plus I think she now knows I'm on to her.

Nice!  Great that you see you decide if something is a positive or negative, depending on what you focus on.



You can speed it up by setting a time limit on it, better than "some point", that kind of floats.  On the other hand it's important to feel everything all the way and process it, as long as you focus on the fact the self pity is serving a purpose right now, and it's temporary and will outlive its usefulness, the sooner the better yes?

I get bored of myself eventually so I will pull myself up but I need to do it sooner than later as I've really neglected most areas of my life. See I asked myself this yday, if this is what this relationship does to you then why feel any sadness over it? Thoughts and questions arise as they have today but I need to act on those, build on those and slowly move forward. Today I feel I'm holding myself hostage as I have pretty much for the past week.

self awareness is a wonderful thing 

unavailable to the person with BPD

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