Back, again

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

what kind of relationship do you deserve?

you are trying to read her mind through her thoughts when she is in a car. 

please look into hypervigilance

are you seeing a therapist? 

most of us see a therapist. i am in CODA 

[married21years]

what kind of relationship do you deserve?

you are trying to read her mind through her thoughts when she is in a car. 

please look into hypervigilance

are you seeing a therapist? 

most of us see a therapist. i am in CODA 

[zonnebloem]

 
Hey Stripey 7!

After a few weeks of non-communicating, I was invited back in the house of this pwBPD and the ironingboard stood there just as I had left it (in an angry mood because his daughter is number one AND she nows it.)
It makes me feel sorry for them... pitty sure my pictures are in the same spot.

To say that: I've not moved on the way I should (for my own health) neither, because if I had... I wouldn' be posting ... .I guess.

[DazedD40]

what kind of relationship do you deserve?

you are trying to read her mind through her thoughts when she is in a car. 

please look into hypervigilance

are you seeing a therapist? 

most of us see a therapist. i am in CODA 

I wasn't reading her mind, her facial expressions have always spoken volumes but I hear what you are saying as I am sitting here in the silence trying to work it all out.

[UnforgivenII]

Don't sit there. Book a therapist. Have a shower. Eat.

Think of YOU! You do matter! We all do! We have been treated horribly by NUTS people who do not bother to heal themselves... .they are happy hurting others!
And giving us ALL THE BLAME because they cannot face ANY responsibilities! Poor souls!

Monsters.

[married21years]

I wasn't reading her mind, her facial expressions have always spoken volumes but I hear what you are saying as I am sitting here in the silence trying to work it all out.

we have all been there, you are focused on helping her, stop caretaking 

you cannot help anyone if you are not strong.

that is your one overriding goal right now!

and contact with her will tear you down, please listen to us we have all been there.

but it is your decision we will still all support you 

one day hopefully you will get to the root of your problems that doesn't let you caretake you! 

[DazedD40]

I wasn't reading her mind, her facial expressions have always spoken volumes but I hear what you are saying as I am sitting here in the silence trying to work it all out.

we have all been there, you are focused on helping her, stop caretaking 

you cannot help anyone if you are not strong.

that is your one overriding goal right now!

and contact with her will tear you down, please listen to us we have all been there.

but it is your decision we will still all support you 

one day hopefully you will get to the root of your problems that doesn't let you caretake you! 

Oh I'm not going running back begging nor will I allow her back in not after this. She's painted me black so there is no way back even if it's something I did want.

I now know I need to move forward. I can't afford a T at the moment but it's on my list of things to do as I recognise how twisted up I am as a result of this. I allowed it, went against the advice of others and watched her act out her devaluing and discard game on me. I allowed that and I need to look at that as I move forward.

A friend said to me this morning, she has given you the power back. I didn't understand what he was getting at to start with but he advised, she has given you the power to move on now she has removed herself from your world. Makes a lot of sense and I now need to stop and take action for myself. Where to begin tho?

[UnforgivenII]

Hug yourself
And buy the book Psychopath free.
Now

[DreamerGirl]

Hi DazedD40

It's not an easy road back, but your friend is right.  

To be free from the drama, from the hurt we experienced daily, from the confusion, from always trying to make them feel how much we loved them, but never succeeding, is a relief.

It doesn't come straight away, but you will feel stronger each day.  I know I have been.  

I am still very up and down.  But I feel like I have taken 20 steps forward, so when I get hit with the pain and sadness and longing for him, I only go back a step, or two.  Not back to the start, where it hurts the most.

I hope and wish you can stay strong and focus on yourself now.

That's what I'm doing.  Everytime I miss and crave him, which has been a lot, I also put a thought beside the longing, a thought of the reality, of how hurt he made me feel.  It keeps me strong and stops me pretending we were the perfect couple.

[DazedD40]

Thats what hurts the most for me, longing for her, longing, missing and loving someone that has caused me so much emotional pain and anguish and someone that has played me for a fool for four long years.

This past month or so she didn't even try to hide herself and what she was doing. The mask was off and it feels like she was goading me by dropping clues and hints as to what she was doing. It feels like she was doing it on purpose and didn't care if I knew or not. I've never told her about what I've learnt about BPD/NPD so I think that she really didn't clock that I was on to her. She thinks I'm stupid enough that I'd buy it even though she didn't have her mask on. More fool her really as I'm really not a stupid bloke. May take a while to get there but when I do I do.

I do however think I scuppered some kind of final play from her twisted play book. Whether there is new supply in the shape of another man or if it's something else, I'm pretty sure she had one final play that I stopped dead in its tracks by calling her out over her behaviours and actions. I don't think the new supply was ready to unwittingly play there role in the discard as I think her seeing me was as a stop gap until she was sure her new supply was acquired and ready to be played in her game with me.

She turned so cold so quickly and in the blink of an eye switched to saying cruel and damn right nasty things before I cut her off and blocked her. Now I'm suspecting the reason she has now blocked me is because I've set off her abandonment issue.

If I'm right about the above then I guess I fu£&bed her over twice before fully discarding me. I left her in limbo. New supply not fully secured and I called time before she was ready to finish the discard. No wonder she's painted me black. Guess I'm the enemy but I'm the enemy on day 2 of my recovery. Doesn't feel like I'm recovering but I guess given time I will.

[fromheeltoheal]

A friend said to me this morning, she has given you the power back. I didn't understand what he was getting at to start with but he advised, she has given you the power to move on now she has removed herself from your world. Makes a lot of sense and I now need to stop and take action for myself.

Your friend is right, I'd keep that friend.  You could have taken your power back and you didn't, but she gave it to you, so one way or the other, you have it.

Where to begin tho?

By deciding how you want to live, what the life of your dreams looks like.  If you've been putting someone else's needs ahead of your own, to the point you forgot you had needs, pretty common around here, your ability to act in your own best interest may need to be jumpstarted now, to get the juices flowing again, so saying "I don't know" to the question of how you want to live doesn't cut it, force yourself to come up with something, and build from there.  So how do you want to live?

[married21years]

you are longing for a dream, for a facade that doesn't exist.

it was created to get you 

and when she got you, she used you.

its what they do, the person you fell in love with was a fantasy to get what they want!

[DazedD40]

Yeah I get that now and as hard as it is to understand or accept, that's just the way it is.

I don't know what my life looks like or what it is I want. I'm struggling to get out of bed so trying to think what I want life to be is difficult. I'm on my arse, lost my job, had to move out my flat and to be honest I feel at the bottom of the pile. I don't know how to pull myself out of this at the moment let alone think what I want. I'm just happy if I manage to eat something and brush my teeth. I'm on my arris in a big way.

I hardly have any clothes or belongings after she took them to the dump in a rage. Makes me think I should throw her belongings away. She left a ring she claims her kids dad brought her. Said to me that she wore it throughout our relationship saying, that shows how little you meant to me. Feel like throwing it in the bin. Why should I give it back to her after the way she has treated me?

I feel crippled with fear, I feel less than, useless and hurting like hell.

[married21years]

once you hit rock bottom

only way is up

this is day 1

it only gets better 

[DazedD40]

I hope so!

My head won't switch off no matter how hard I try, I'm searching anything BPD related, stalking her social media (god it's hard not too), checking to see if she's unblocked me etc...

I know it's over, I know I'm painted black, I sense she has new supply, I know I triggered her abandonment, I feel the blame she has placed on me. I know this yet can't stop thinking about her, us and this situation I'm in.

I don't feel I can pull myself up anymore. I'm neglecting everything and don't know where to start.

[married21years]

it wasn't your fault was it!

your deserve better!

you are in a better place than her because you have the courage to look at your issues!

get help
improve and find someone wonderful   

we are all the same here 

[DazedD40]

See that's what makes this so scary!

I've come on here in the past, few posts, gained some knowledge on BPD, talked to friends and I went back to her thinking, yeah but they could all be wrong, they don't know her the way I do. I had doubts and guess I didn't want to face them but it's something I could no longer ignore.

I am now in a place where I have no doubts whatsoever. That's scary because I am, although stories differ, the same as you all.

I can't hide from it, excuse it or allow it anymore.

[fromheeltoheal]

I don't know what my life looks like or what it is I want. I'm struggling to get out of bed so trying to think what I want life to be is difficult. I'm on my arse, lost my job, had to move out my flat and to be honest I feel at the bottom of the pile. I don't know how to pull myself out of this at the moment let alone think what I want. I'm just happy if I manage to eat something and brush my teeth. I'm on my arris in a big way.

Yes, I understand Dazed, been there, done that.  And creating a compelling vision for what you want your life to be will get you out of bed, get you moving, get you inspired; that's where it starts.  And the good thing about being at rock bottom is the only way to go is up, and since you're starting over again, you can create any life you want for yourself, it's a blank slate.

So what's one thing you want in your future that isn't in your life right now?

[DazedD40]

Looked at that question and my head said, I want her back! How mad is that?

Tbh there's opportunities all around me. I left my career earlier in the year so employment wise I need to buck my ideas up and really put some serious effort to find a job to tide me over and then find a decent career whether going back to my old one or starting afresh in a new sector. Ideally I'd like to become self employed but I need to gain some skills and get my finances in order again before I can do that but nonetheless I can still start planning for that.

There is a woman that's interested in having a relationship with me and has made it pretty clear she wants me. Been chatting to her but I've kept my distance and not gone there with her and kept it as friends. I don't want to rush in to anything as clearly I'm still caught up with my ex. However she is offering me what I've always wanted. A partner and a family environment. I wanted that so badly with my ex and had it for a while until she switched. I've known this girl for years and although we never had a physical relationship and there was periods of years without seeing or talking to one another we are now back in touch and she's saying, are we going to give it a go or not. Maybe I should I don't know. I'm to scared right now to move let alone get in to another relationship. Maybe this girl has a point though. We both have been in relationships that didn't work, ignored being in a relationship for one reason or another yet here we are back in touch.

So lots going on, lots can happen, positives all around, negatives that can be turned to positives yet here I am ignoring them whilst allowing myself to become a mess because of the hurt the woman I love has caused me.

I'll climb out the pool of self pity at some point. I have, after past discards, got to a place where I feel ok and I guess I'm going through a process which will lead me back to that place. That's usually when she comes back though so need to be guarded as I try move forward.

[married21years]

you need to decide contact or NC 

this will probably mean the difference between separation and recycle

good luck

[DazedD40]

you need to decide contact or NC 

this will probably mean the difference between separation and recycle

good luck

Well she's blocked me so I'm guessing I've been painted black so no chance of a recycle anymore. Plus I think she now knows I'm on to her.

[fromheeltoheal]

So lots going on, lots can happen, positives all around, negatives that can be turned to positives yet here I am ignoring them whilst allowing myself to become a mess because of the hurt the woman I love has caused me.

Nice!  Great that you see you decide if something is a positive or negative, depending on what you focus on.

I'll climb out the pool of self pity at some point.

You can speed it up by setting a time limit on it, better than "some point", that kind of floats.  On the other hand it's important to feel everything all the way and process it, as long as you focus on the fact the self pity is serving a purpose right now, and it's temporary and will outlive its usefulness, the sooner the better yes?

[DazedD40]

I get bored of myself eventually so I will pull myself up but I need to do it sooner than later as I've really neglected most areas of my life. See I asked myself this yday, if this is what this relationship does to you then why feel any sadness over it? Thoughts and questions arise as they have today but I need to act on those, build on those and slowly move forward. Today I feel I'm holding myself hostage as I have pretty much for the past week.

[married21years]

self awareness is a wonderful thing 

unavailable to the person with BPD

[fromheeltoheal]

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