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We split up for the 3rd or 4th time in three months back in June.  I still love her and I can't get her out of my head or my heart.  During this break I sent her one message on facebook a week after the break up, one happy birthday message via text, and over the last two weeks I sent messages on each Friday that said, "Hey" and "Hey you, I hope you have a good weekend."  That's four messages in 2 months with no response.  I was ready to quit trying.  She finally responded Friday evening with, ":)o not try to text or communicate with me again."  When I responded and asked, "May I ask why?  I was hoping we could still be friends." she responded with, ":)o not text or try to communicate with me again. I do not have to explain. If you do again I will block you." 

My friends and I discussed this over the weekend.  We all agree I cannot ever reach out to her again.  I am fearful she is claiming I am obsessed with her or something to that effect.  She split up with me each time via a text and while in previous times I had asked her to meet up with me to discuss our breakup, asking to say good bye, this time she ended things and it feels pretty final.  My friends and I were all confused by her threat to block me.  It's as though she wants to leave the door open, but it is a one way path where only she can walk through, not me. 

I'm having a very hard time with this whole process and I'm sad in a way I haven't experienced in a long time.  I feel so much shame over falling in love with someone so quickly and allowing myself to become vulnerable to someone who has fabricated a scenario that makes me look like an awful person.  And I know if she called and apologized to me, I'd take her back in a second. 

Feeling so lost... .

HI. The whole process is sad and painful and it never gets better if we try to hang on. All we do is feed them. It's a tough go, I to suffered a lot, I know exactly how you feel. My T taught me how to reframe my thinking. Think of it as a blessing she's gone. I see it so clear now how destructive the NPD/BPD is.

Busboy, my T won't really let me talk about his experience.  She continually redirects me to what I'm feeling and telling me I'm thinking about her feelings too often.  I understand the strategy behind this, but I've not been allowed to grieve and let go.  My exBPDgf didn't let me even talk to her at the end, only texts messages.  My T wants me to focus on why I'm hung up on her, but if I can't ever express this then how do I move on?  I feel like her text left a door open, even if it only open on her side.  I really do appreciate the advice, I just have to experience my feelings before I can let go and move on.  I just don't understand why she didn't have me blocked already, I was ready to give up and move on after I sent the last message.  Now it's as though I'm back in the mud and sinking.   

this is really tough, SheAskedForaBreak. i feel your pain.


i remember trying to force the exchange of belongings after my relationship ended because i believed that she would use them as a means to reengage down the road. she never did, and long after i gave up trying, i realized that belief was only serving to keep me stuck.

it is tough to hear, no doubt, but "do not communicate with me again" should not be viewed as leaving a door open. and lets assume for a moment that it is: is that a place where you want to wait for something that may or may not happen? if so, for how long?

That is a feeling: the feeling of wanting to think about her feelings. Can you talk about that in therapy? It is a BIG DEAL for me: the need to focus on other people's feelings. And it was a major insight for me when I realized how difficult it was for me to stay on myself. There are deep reasons -- in my case, having to do with not feeling entitled to my own emotions when I was little.

My advice would be to give your T the benefit of the doubt on this for a while. See what happens when you focus on yourself, and if the grief over your ex changes.


I'm not sure i understand this. Is the door open on her side because you will answer it, whereas she won't answer her door? One way to address this imbalance is to not answer the door.

it is tough to hear, no doubt, but "do not communicate with me again" should not be viewed as leaving a door open. and lets assume for a moment that it is: is that a place where you want to wait for something that may or may not happen? if so, for how long?
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I hear you loud and clear.  I heard her loud and clear.  If she is just closing the door how cold she have been saying, "I love you, I never stopped loving you.  Even when I tried I couldn't stop." the night we got back together if she is so opposed to the thought of me in her life now? 

All of this most recent breaks was because I shared an insecurity and asked a questions about where she stayed the night when she went home for Father's Day.  She had told me she was hung over that morning after drinking at a male friend's house in her hometown. 

I love working with my T, I will share with her how I'm feeling.  I would answer the door for my exBPD.  I've spent two months trying to "get over it" and I haven't waivered on how I feel.  I have other options, I have a great girl in my life who isn't a "fixer-upper" of any kind, but I still miss my exBPD more than I can describe.  I know she won't ever talk to me again, maybe I should be grateful for that.  Unfortunately I am crushed by that thought.  I love her.

Okay. So don't force it. Think of your longing as something you can't do anything about for now, and focus on yourself.

As to your non-fixer-upper: does she know how you feel?

She isn't aware of my unresolved feelings about my last relationship.  I don't want to burden her or scare her away.  The more I talk about this the crazier I feel. 

I'm going to gently ask if you are truly available for a relationship with this person.

I ask not because it's "unfair" to her. I'm thinking about you. You only have a certain amount of emotional resources right now, and it sounds like you're having a hard time allocating them to the job of getting better. Getting enmeshed in a new relationship that is already fraught might not be a good use of your resources.

Honestly, I don't know.

So what's the plan? What can you do to get yourself unstuck?

Brainstorm! Write down any idea that comes to your head.

Hi SheAskedFora,

I feel for you, having pretty much lived through the same thing. When we break no contact, we give them the power to rub salt on a new wound.

I agree with the above quote. For your ex, this is just another opportunity to one up you in the never ending game.  For her it's validation and supply that you still want to keep contact. It's an opportunity to play victim by making you out to be a stalker and yet another blow to your self esteem.

You are lucky to have someone new in your life.  Be fair with her if you truly want this relationship to work. If you do, it's one more reason to block your ex and move on.

My next vacation starts 09/02/2016.  I'm going back to see my brother's family in Charlotte.  I was down there in March for our bday, he's my twin, so this will be the same place where I started talking to my exBPDgf on Tinder.  When I got home she and I started dating.  Maybe it will be good to go back and retrace some steps that led to this whole debacle.  It's hard to believe this experience is only six months old. 

My hope is that a backpacking trip I have planned in the Smokey Mountains will help clear my head and remind me of how great I really am. 

I just never thought she'd go there.  Our last conversation when she ended things she said I scared her by stopping by unannounced, she invited me in and I left when she asked me to leave.  I did return and ask for a hug, she invited me in and again when she said she wanted me to go I did.  She ended it via a text says, "this breaks my heart, but I can't see you anymore." 

I think it was reasonable of me to reach out considering the mixed signals.  Her signals are no longer mixed, she hates me and is probably using my last text to show how psycho I am.  Though, how could anyone say I'm psycho for saying "Happy B-day!" or "Hey"?

Never never break no contact.
I.learned it the hard way. He came to my house... .told me he loved me but it could not work because of me. Rejected my hugs. And told me to go with another man.

Reasonable to a normal person, but remember if your ex is Bpd then you are dealing with a mentally disordered person. Reasonable is not within their realm.

Reading your last post stating she didn't like you coming around announced, and now she's telling you she doesn't want you to contact her, is it possible that she was and or is with your replacement?

If you insist on wanting to chase her, you're best bet is getting on with your life. Don't contact her, infact block her. Make it public that you are dating other women. Won't be long till she's literally knocking at your door.

I speak from personal experience.  When trying to detach from the wreck that was my relationship,  she would ultimately come around when I was finally beginning to let go. She will really feel losing an attachment.  As it stands now, she's putting you on the back burner. She's basically saying don't call me, I'll call you.

I am definitely doing the following at this moment:
- Deleting her number and any remaining voicemails
- Blocking her on facebook
- I am dating someone else who is unquestionably a better fit for a long term relationship
- I am friends with a lot of women and we all post pictures together on fb. 

I know if she's looked at my page she's seen these pictures.  I don't know if she has a replacement, oddly it doesn't bother me if she does.  Her responses seemed like she was putting on a show, several of my friends thought so as well.  And despite the finality of her response it feels like she's left an option for us to talk, if SHE ever feels like it. 

I think you may be right, I've broken NC 3 or 4 times now and each break was more painful than the last.

 
Did I miss something from a previous thread?  How is she trying to leave the door open exactly?  There is zero ambiguity in what she's communicated.   None.  Zilch.

I can get my wife on the phone *right now* and have a pleasant conversation with her and there is zero chance of us reconciling.  Your ex is telling you in no uncertain terms not to talk to her any more and you have hope?

I know we're conditioned by the disconnect between their words and their behavior to second guess and read between the lines, but I'm not sure why you or your friends are trying to divine any other meaning than "it's over."   You say you're dating someone who is dating material?  Do that.  Stop this. 

She Asked
I understand what you are describing here and it is very painful.  In my case, I did not try and socially communicate with her, but had to complete divorce business.  The replies (or lack of) made it very clear that I was not to contact her with a social agenda because it would be met with ice. 

I think what makes this so hard is the memory of our ex being kind, loving, warm and us the light of their lives.  But the truth is that this was not likely a complete portrayal of their feelings.  Yes, it was a part of it; but there was likely a lot more going on that was kept from us. 

I know my ex kept things wrapped up very tightly inside.  And although she openly loved me, I now see that she was likely not liking alot about me and this eventually morphed into a scary place for her where it was safer to not show any feelings.  Why exactly I cannot say - although I have speculated. 

My point is that your feelings of missing her are understandable but likely an incomplete picture of her feelings.  She is now communicating the best she can that she does not want contact.  If I can give you anything to hold onto it is this; an attempt to continue to reach out to her will drive her further away.  This may not be a healthy perspective to hold for the long term, but in the short term, it can be very valuable until you have had some more time to digest the history of your r/s and get a more objective picture.

I understand your pain.  As you learn more and process more, your perspective and understanding will change - I promise.

JRB

This isn't very helpful.  I'm very happy you are still able to get your ex on the phone any time you like.  It's been 3 days dude, I'm allowed to be irrational and hurt right now.  I'M NOT CONTACTING HER!  Honestly you've come across in a way that makes me feel unsafe about opening up on here. 

I know she doesn't want to talk to me.  I haven't tried to contact her since we had that exchange.  

My ex said almost identically the same words that yours did. She stated please stop contacting me and harassing me. But sometime she would say that and then call me 10 minutes later. I know  it's really hard. It took me a while to break that cycle. I can honestly tell you you will get there I know firsthand. I've now gone two months no contact. She started contacting me again to get together  or asking if we could be friends. It's still the hardest thing I've done to ignore all that. But I know who she is and she'll never change. So hang in there. Stop contacting me is just to show control.   Like I said mine would say that and then contact me. As hard as it is,  give her what she wants and ignore her and she will come back but the question is what do you do when that happens?  I went back man.  Multiple times.  Each time worse.  Each time the lying and cheating worse.  The more she is on her own the more she slips further into that world.  I keep telling myself do I want a life where I need to worry every second of every day?  Sure I miss her but that sounds like hell on earth.  Good luck

Could have written this my self. Everything had to be on her terms   After a break-up it was always don't ever contact me again,  never her saying I won't ever contact you again.  It would last days sometimes weeks, and she would reinitiate contact,  and I would go back. The one time I broke no contact, she made me feel like a stalker.

Its been said that it's all about the chase for the BPD. Once they know they have you it's game over for them, for us it's just more misery.  Continued recycles just meant more cheating more lying  just to up the drama and see how far she could push it.

It's not about not contacting her.  It's about acknowledging reality in all it's effed-up suckiness.  This thread continues a trend I've noticed on the website of late that ought to be called "The Onion's 'Letters to Prudy' or BPD Thread?" Just in the last few days I've read these gems:

"I was convicted of domestic violence; why is my SO so personality disordered?"
"My ex is an alcoholic stalker who breaks into my home; this can end well, right?"
"My ex posted a pic with her boyfriend of a year on Facebook; why is she trying to hurt ME?
"I'm divorcing my husband after two months of marriage; why is he so impulse-disordered?"
"I'm dating another woman and my ex has threatened to block me if I contact her again; there's still a chance our relationship can be saved, right?"

I'm sorry you're going through this and I'm sure her mixed messages in the past only add fuel to the fire, but let's recap:

You're dating someone else.  How is that fair to her?
She's asked for no contact?  What's ambiguous about that?

Other members have had their SOs do this and then resume contact.  Maybe your's will too, but there's a binary outcome here:

1) She really means it, in which case there's nothing for you to do;
2) She'll break NC at some point, on her terms, in which case there's nothing for you to do. 

Either of those look appealing?  You say yourself you're beginning a healthy adult relationship, at least from her end.  Does she know you'd drop her for your ex?  And, what does that say about your readiness to date?

Joe,

you mentioned a very important point. I can relate.

My ex wrote for me 2-3 very short love poems during the r/s, where there was a great deal of love/hate and internal suffering. I still have them, up to this day, and each time I read them it's really striking how I missed the red flags present in those poems.

At that time I didn't really grasp the importance (and severity) of those words, clear indicators of the inner turmoil that was going on in her mind.

Externally, she was professing I was the love of her life (and I believe she believed those words, at that time), yet there was a great deal of unnecessary (and extreme) drama, which was probably the only dysfunctional, unstructured way she knew to express that turmoil.

All in all, we indeed see a small part of what is really going on in their minds.

Icanteven, I have asked you not to post on here with your angry, hateful responses.  Please don't use this forum as a means to beat me up for wishing I'd hear from her.  It has only been a few days, I'm coping and your "feedback" isn't helpful.  Please discontinue posting on this subject.  If you have an issue with what you see in other posts find a way to communicate that with the group, my post is not a sounding board for your ill feelings.  Thank You.

In a previous post I told the story of how I broke NC.   I reached out to my exBPDgf and was told, ":)o not text or try to communicate with me."  When I asked, "May I ask why?"  "I was hoping we could be friends." she simply responded, ":)o not text or try to communicate with me.  I do not have to explain why.  If you do again I will block you."  I feel like crap.

At this time I know the only way we will ever talk again is if she reaches out to me.  I have blocked her on social media, deleted her number and erased all but one happy voicemail that I plan to delete tonight.  I am trying to get in to see my T this week.  I do a great job of keeping busy, dating, and looking ahead.  

 After weeks of NC I just thought she might have changed her mind.  We had broken up 3-4 times after beginning a relationship in March.  She went home with me on the first night and stayed over, I guess this should have been a red flag.  Within a few weeks I almost said I love you and she jumped all over it, saying I love you in very intense ways, capturing my heart.  Soon after we had a fight and the break up, get back together cycle started.  

 We broke up on Father's Day.  She had gone back to her hometown a couple of hours away and on that morning she mentioned she was hung over after drinking with a male friend of hers.  I was a little less than happy, but I had previously asked not to discuss big issues via text.  She kept pressing me throughout the day about whether or not I was upset and I finally spilled it and said, "It wasn't awesome to hear that you spent the evening getting drunk with another guy after we agreed to be exclusive."  She could have mentioned this to me the night before, but she didn't.  "You have nothing to worry about, have fun with your dad!"  

 It escalated, I asked too many questions finally asking where she slept the night before.  That was all it took, she was done.  I stopped by her house when I got back to town, she let me in her front door, refused to discuss it and asked me to leave.  I knew we were though.  I went back to her door, she let me inside again and I asked for a hug and she shouted, "No!" and backed away.  A few days later she ambiguously ended things via a text.  When I asked if I understood what I was reading she said, "I know you don't think this effects me, but it does.  It breaks my heart to say this, but I can't see you anymore."  "I won't be in a relationship where I am not trusted."  She left me feeling as though this was ALL MY FAULT.  Now I sit and wonder what I could have done differently... .

Hi SAFB-

So what's the goal?  She has stated pretty clearly that she doesn't want to communicate with you, no ambiguity there, so what are you going to do?

I hear more pain and regret about how things went, than uncertainty about what to do now.

Patientandclear, that is what I am saying.  I'm not certain why my post looks unclear, I clearly state I cannot ever talk to her again unless she initiates contact.  As far as my game plan goes: Seeing a T since she and I started dating, that will continue, I have a short backpacking trip and a 10 day vacation coming up out of state, that will help.  I've started dating to help stay occupied.  I keep busy with friends and near by family.  That's all I can do. 

I've read Mastery of Love and the Five Love Languages at the urging of my T.  I am establishing and enforcing boundries with those in my life much better than in the past, again at the urging of my T.  I just wish people would quit letting me know she has no intention to talk to me again, it's hurtful and I'm well aware of the reality of my situation.  Regret is something I'll just have to live with on this one.   

It also bears mentioning that my ex was diagnosed as having bi-polar disorder, depression, and ADHD.  She was on and off of six medications at the direction of her doctor or because she just felt like no longer taking them.  During our break ups she typically would stop taking her meds.  Once she was back on them she would reach out to me again. 

She sounds very harsh, and indecisive. Seems like she slept somewhere she didn't want to admit it and was just thinking of a way to permanently not have to answer what went on.

I would definitely continue to avoid contacting her at all costs.
If she texts you again, think about WHY she may be texting you. Is there another motive behind conversating? You won't know for sure, but if you think about it and go "hmmm... ." and are unsure of what her intentions are, as hard as it, you might want to avoid replying.
This is of course, on the chance she reaches out after not hearing from you for some time.

Indifferent28

The first time it happened a good friend said to me, "You won't hear from her again."  "She said, 'Take care of yourself.'"  My friend thought that was a clear sign she was moving on.  To both of our surprise the ex texted me a couple of weeks later.  While this time feels very final I am not certain.  One thing I am certain of is that I do not want any reminders of her in my life.  I have blocked her, her family and what friends I know of on facebook.  Her number is out of my phone so I cannot reach out, even if I want to.  If I hear from her I am going to want to respond, I hope I don't have to face that challenge.  If it happened today, I'd fail miserably.

Her comments about not being able to be in a r/ship without trust -- they could have been an opening for validation. If you want to explore how that MIGHT have worked, the Improving board might be a better venue to ask for ideas.

Who knows if it was at all in the cards to alter the outcome though. Nor could you have known that your reasonable questions would trigger that kind of reaction.

Finally, her desire for NC and to shut this down entirely may all be a fairly primitive pain avoidance mechanism, not about her lack of regard for you. Many people here use NC for similar reasons and with a similar lack of finesse in explaining it to their former partners.

My ex wBPD typically is convinced that I am the one who ended our various rounds of involvement even though I don't think that's accurate. He gets hurt even when I did nothing to hurt him and the loss was all his decision ... .But somehow I hurt him because I "made" him push me away. (Words he has actually said.)  She may truly feel that in some counterfactual way you ended the r/ship. So now she can't talk to you because you hurt her ... .

Well, BPD ex or not, I have heard in the past (and experienced) that they say an ex usually texts you or sees you when you aren't thinking of them anything and have finally moved on. For what reason? I don't know, but it seems they can almost feel a lost attachment or emotional scale shifting away. After all, everything is made of energy so it isn't far fetched to believe that they can feel an energy change when all our thoughts or conversations about them disappear.

I was one on here who thought my ex couldn't possibly be done, despite what everyone told me. Well, she is. She has a new replacement and never tries speaking to me or anything.

Your ex may contact you despite being "done". But it might not be for the right reasons and with a BPD, it seems you will never know if the reasons they claim (i miss you, i miss us) are actually just that, or if they are in desperate need of that attachment again. For their own benefit. It sucks

Patientandclear:
I would be inclined to agree with you that she may have been seeking validation if she hadn’t told me minutes later that she “Had done NOTHING WRONG” and then said she couldn’t see me again.  Her defensive stance tells me I am not getting the whole story.  I agree her NC is purely about control.  If you’re never going to talk to me again what would it matter if you blocked my number?  To her that may be a valid threat as it would upset her is she was blocked on a former partner’s phone.  Lastly I’ll just say I dated another woman who was diagnosed with BPD a few years ago and she definitely thinks I broke up with her, even though that is not at all what happened.  
Indiffernt28:
She has come back three different times as I was moving on.  What really spurred her reaction was me asking to say goodbye, so it wasn’t in the air so much as it was on her phone.  She has groomed me not to ask to see her if she does start talking to me again.  I know if I hear from her it is because she needs my reassurance that she isn’t a “BI%@#” or ugly.  She likes it that I see her as this talented, troubled, beautiful woman who I completely enjoy, until she is no longer interested in me and then I’m hurt. 

 It might be helpful to do a little fact checking, here. After all, this is "facing the facts". Which of the following are true?

:sign_attn: Most relationships crash in the first 90 days -  this is when people move past the initial infatuation and have logged a bit of compatibility time.  If you date, this is the norm. Not all relationships "set up".

:sign_attn: This was both a brief (90 days) and rocky relationship. You both did things  that were upsetting to each other.

:sign_attn: Your characterization that the relation ended because you challenged why she stayed out all night and only if you hadn't... .but is that really it? Does it miss the fact that the relationship had a lot of drama for 90 days and that she stayed out all night, is in itself, an indication that the relationship was deteriorating prior to the fight that night.

:sign_attn: You have a history of relationship struggles and personal issues. Would the best thing for you would be a seek partners that are stable or that struggle more than you?

:sign_attn: The person you dated also has a history of relationship struggles personal issues.  As you point out, multiple mental illness diagnoses.

:sign_attn: You're dating someone new who appears to be emotionally stable.

:sign_attn: You're are now in that 90 day window with her, and weighted down by baggage from your last relationship.

:sign_attn: You are at risk for having a 90 day failure.



Is your therapist is trying to get you to look at how you are reacting (overreacting, given the situation) to this relationship failure. Has the failure opened other wounds.

I think anytime we have a reaction that is not commensurate with the events at hand, we need to look deeper. What do you think?

Skip,

I've faced the facts.  I know it's over and she isn't coming back.  I know I'm extremely vulnerable and susceptible to giving in to her if she did "grace" me with her presence.  I realize the relationship was rocky, had several problems, and that I'm insecure with my own abandonment issues.  I am dating someone who is much more stable than my ex.  And as far as my relationship with my T I feel like it's great.  She consistently compliments me on the work I'm doing to improve my life.  My T recommended that I consider my ex's perspective, fears and feeling.  I'm not sure what you're after here, but your message does come across as a bit challenging to my feelings.  Am I not on a good site for experiencing emotions so soon after a break up?  If so I apologize for bothering you folks that have "real BPD issues".  I want to be here and get some support as well as provide support for others, but a list of caution signs doesn't exactly make me want to open up. 

To address your first sentence.  I'm facing the fact that I've lost someone I cared for a great deal and now I'm not likely to ever get to talk with her again, let alone see her, touch her or kiss her.  I feel devastated by this and I wish it weren't so.  So I've acknowledged reality, I've probed my own feelings to find a better way to look at them objectively, I've processed this issue and realized that beginning therapy when I started dating her was a huge step toward growth.  I've started a new relationship and I feel very good about the choice I've made in a partner.  Now I just need to move on to "getting over it".  Freedom, oh sweet freedom, that's just some people talkin'... .