BPDFamily.com

Something that I needed to share.

It happened 6 months after he himself got split black.

When he initially got with her he thought he had won the lottery and used to mock me that he was better than me etc. Obviously I had no love for him.

At the time I thought he had "won" and was going to live happily ever after. And all of her Facebook posts were showing gifts from him and saying she was so happy.

But the next time i saw him 6 months later the guy looked like he'd aged 10 years. He looked awful. And she bounced 2 months later. I don't think he ever found out about BPD so he just turned to drink to try and feel better. It's a sad story.

Well this morning I find out he killed himself two nights ago.

Things are never what they seem, and don't belive anything you see online. Also try not to hate your replacement because chances are they will end up worse than you in time

Wow... .
that is terrible to hear

They say BPDs are often suicidal but judging by the posts here and stories like this, it seems like the people they date are just as likely to be suicidal.

I wonder what your BPD ex thinks of this.

Thank you for sharing your story. I remember telling my friend once sometime over the last few months as I move through this process that i wish my ex could be improsioned and kept from society because she is an emotional criminal. I told him that I could honestly see someone taking their own life as a result of what she does to her romantic partners and that I am incredibly lucky to be a strong enough person to have never come close to that thought yet I could totally understand why someone would do that due to how crushingly painful this has been.

It kind of makes you wonder how their other exes dealt with the sudden discard after being idealized / love-bombed so convincingly? She shared with me little tidbits of past relationships where she did the same thing that she ended up doing to me in terms of just randomly moving out one day without warning and never seeing them again. Instead of taking this as a huge red flag, I was blinded by the idealization and thought I was different, that I was her true love and that these other guys must have deserved yet of course now I know the truth. I wonder if any of these guys took our path and sought out support communities such as bpdfamily?

In reality, I think that most of them got caught in the recycling process and remained in her "bullpen" to possible be called upon at a later date. I say this because she was constantly texting/communicating with a slew of ex boyfriends and I always confronted her saying that I wasn't ok with this. I'm guessing that many of these guys are simply blinded by her overt physical attractiveness and never really healed from being discarded and instead remained somewhat attached to her, hoping for her to come back and being enabled to believe this through her constant contact with them.

In the end, stories like this just make me even more thankful for this community and for the overall wealth of resources that exist on BPD / other cluster B disorders that have helped me as I move through this and have reinforced over 2 months of strict no contact. All I can say is that I hope the next guy does the same and that no one ever takes their own lives as a result of her deceptive, callous and destructive behavior.

inferno,

That is so terrible and sad but so necessary for us all to read and remember.  If you are able to get out of the relationahip, you are very lucky.  I can understand how someone might get so desperate, lost, confused that they drink/do drugs to cope.  Then take it even a step further just to get it to stop... .

Thank you for sharing... .definately helps me stay focused and realize that getting out was a much bigger blessing than the trauma I suffered in the relationship.

Bunny

 

I'm sorry Inferno, hearing about someone killing themselves, giving up on life, is never a good thing.

You can't blame her, although you were in a relationship with the same woman; did you find yourself going to dark places mentally when you were with her, and how does this news change the way you see things now?

She's using it for attention and sympathy on social media

She said p"i tried to save him from his demons"

She cheated on him their entire relationship

Oh absolutely I was verging on suicidal myself for stretches of time.

I don't blame her, we ultimately are responsible for ourselves but I do pity him it's tragic he couldn't get himself some help

Wow.  That's... .just... .wow. 

I hope you're okay.  Something like this would probably hit me pretty hard, if I'm honest.  Even though he was the replacement, it's got to bring up a lot of emotions for you.

The kind of pain involved in losing someone so "perfect" is definitely enough to drive someone over the edge.  That's for sure - and if he never knew about the BPD, that's even worse. 

How are you feeling about all this?

Don't really know how I feel tbh.

It's like "s*** got real" in a big way, you read about this sort of thing but always wonder if maybe you are over sensitive and that it's not that serious.

Then this happens.

It's just unreal, it validates to me that this BPD stuff is serious, like really serious.

I'm also just shaking my head at her sympathy grab. I thought for a second this might actually wake her up. I have a feeling now that she never will.

It is.  And we can take a moment to reflect on how those of us on the Detaching board made it out and are looking for healthy answers here, and congratulate ourselves and celebrate that a little.  And just think how many folks are sitting on a bar stool right now, drowning their sorrows and talking it out with the dude on the stool next to him, confused as hell, hurting, and trying to find answers.  I've been that guy.  This is far better.

Yes. Yes, it did. Quite a sobering event, really.  As "omigosh" as that is for me, it's got to be surreal for you, yeah?


No doubt!  I've had some dark thoughts myself this week, I won't lie, but I've been able to voice my pain - and get the compassion and camaraderie here that I've needed.  Talking about it with others who have had such similar experiences - yours being so especially similar - has helped me so much to stay grounded.

I'm so thankful for this forum, and for what you've shared.  I really mean that. 


I cannot even wrap my brain around how she responded.  But, then, trying to make a mental illness into something rational and understandable is like reasoning with a drunk person - it's an effort in futility. 

Like you, Infern0, I felt dark thoughts,  like wandering of into the hills to die of exposure,  despite having a baby and a toddler at home.  I reasoned that they were set up financially. This was before I found out about the cheating.  It's sobering to think about how many suffer in silence and depression,  often presenting a different face to the world. I'm glad you got out.

I am ashamed to admit it, but at the darkest hour when she pranced off getting married after getting pregnant a month after the end, well ending it crossed my mind a few times.   I was in such a painful dark place.   Luckily I sought out good people who were sound to talk to and I  never drank.  I hope we all here Thank our lucky stars we didn't succumb to these people one way or another.   I'm great ful to have found this site and hope I can pay it forward.    Peace be with You

I myself still have dark thoughts but I refuse to give her the pleasure of her causing me any more pain.

I mourn the loss of a friend and the memories. Her as an individual is dead to me.

Recently found out she's turned to aggressive drinking to suppress her guilt and shame for the way she treated me. I pity this person I once would of done anything for.

Such a destructive illness

Wow, this is truly sad to hear, and a reminder of how close I came to taking my own life. I found out my replacement had been dumped last night, and I felt happy for him. He probably feels the exact opposite, but it's a lucky escape.

I think the moral is that we ourselves have issues we need to deal with and we have the advantage of knowing our exes have BPD, that it isn't all about us. We can admit our flaws too and work on those.

They say BPD traits rub off on you, the longer you're with them too. Perhaps this is what happened.

Being put so high up on a pedestal and then being knocked off by the very person who built it is a difficult and bitter pill to swallow and sometimes we think we can't handle it.

It's very sad to think that this could've been any one of us, especially, speaking for myself, had I not discovered this community.

Part of me wants to keep an eye on the new guy just incase this happens to him now.

This story is a cautionary tale.

Perhaps we are fortunate to put ourselves on a safety net before our minds fell into the abyss.

Most of us came here with pre-existing wounds. A borderline partner may  trigger some of these material to the surface, but it was all there before relationship.

I'm sorry Inferno. It must be hard for you now.  

The fact she is using this to get sympathy is... .beyond any redemption.

It's also helpful to consider how many of those demons might have been projected, and how buying into someone's negative projections can cause us to question whether we want to continue living.  Who bought into that stuff from their exes and for how long?

Wow, this is an earthquake of a post. And what you write below resonates so much with me. It is devastatingly serious.

I also struggled with suicidal ideation post-break up-- not very strong, but there for sure. Three months out (and 1 month NC), those thoughts don't pop up in my head anymore, thank goodness.

Inferno, thanks for sharing, and I'm sorry you're having to deal with the feelings that come with this sadness. 
It reminds me of my T telling me that this illness could actually kill me if I stayed with her.  I didn't understand at the time, but through the progression I could feel the life being slowly ripped from my body... .emotionally drained, mentally drained, and physically drained... .I can look back and see if I hadn't left, I too may have had suicidal thoughts.  You're correct, this illness is very serious, it disorders the lives of everyone it comes close to... .

First, holy crap!  My heart goes out to him.  Second, borderlines are going to borderline.  What I mean by that is that so long as they are symptomatic, they will deal with pain in unhealthy and damaging ways.  The best way to look at it is that there's a reason they are a statistically distinct part of the population.

As a life lesson, be thankful that you've found a support system.  You've unfortunately seen the business end of what happens when you don't.  Even if most people don't get to the point of suicide, a lack of support can leave permanent marks on one's psyche.  It's my hope that your ex gets the help she needs, but until then, you have to care for yourself.

That is terribly sad. But yes your message was seriously an eye opener for many reasons

1) the "replacement" besides another Normal innocent person is often another emotionally I'll innocent person (from my experience his new partner has really low self esteem, it's sad cause I don't see it lasting and I honestly hope something like this doesn't happen)

2) yes most of us are sad, shocked or have extra stress to deal with due to kids, and it's honestly a blessing that we do move on, that we can cope to move on.


3) it's terrible, it's such an ugly sickness and wish we can do something but we can't.

4) I'm thankful for this site and everyone that was and is there for me

Its sad that it came to that.

I agree dont hate the replacement after all we were probably someones replacemet.

I agree strongly to all others replys to this . Inferno you must of been stronger than you first thought this is tragic .
When my ex first dumped me and found a replacement I had suicidal thoughts and if it wasn't for a close freind that listerned to me going over and over the same things I think I would of done it . I've since been replaced 3 more times since then but it's actualy helped me to move on and detach from my ex .

How are you doing infern0?

Very sobering, sad, but thank you for sharing this tragedy. BPD relationships and their aftermath are no joke. I also saw my replacement go from elation to destruction in less than a 2 months. Hard to like him at first, but I later felt a lot of sympathy as I think she dropped him on his head even harder than she did me. Saw a photo of him some months; he looks like a shell of his former self. After this I too pondered imprisonment for Borderlines, emotional terrorists. The world needs so much healing; start with oneself. Grateful for this board.

This whole thing has been on my mind too much lately, I'm trying to shake it off and get back to normal but it's hard, in a weird way still miss her or more the person I thought she was. I feel bad for my replacement too.

It's a funny thing because mine and her relationship was a "secret one" which was never made public by her but theirs was and she actually moved in with him.

But theirs only lasted a little over a year all told, ours was longer on and off.

But now I feel maybe I was actually lucky to never get that close.

I feel bad too because she told me theirs was a "show relationship" and she didn't really love him. But did me.

Obviously it's impossible to know what's true and what's not but still just the words are bad

Do you know how she feels about the passing ? Just curious on how she reacted

I did have a look on her Facebook but I stopped because it was triggering but she put a picture of him up and said she was devastated and had tried to help him etc but then she was just putting up pictures of her at the beach and at the club and stuff business as usual.

Hard to say from the outside but I don't think it really had a huge effect. Maybe behind closed doors it's different I couldn't say.

Thanks for sharing. Helps me feel grateful to be on the outs with my x. Hang in there with the feelings that have been unearthed because of this.

Hi guys,

just to give my personal contribution to this thread... .I had the chance, some time ago, to talk with an ex of my uBPD/HPD exgf; this is the guy with whom my ex had the longest r/s (almost 4 years), and their relationship ended 3 years before the one she had with me... .so, I deemed he was the ideal person to have the final confirmation that  she was really dysfunctional: he was completely out from her life for quite some time.

Basically, I asked him if he observed all the plethora of dysfunctional behaviours I observed during the relationship... .the answer was that, not only he observed all these things, he also added further dysfunctional behaviours (for example, possessiveness and jealousy) that I was lucky enough to not experience.

All in all, he told me that he had to break-up with her for "(emotional) survival reasons" (sic!), thus confirming the seriousness of the behaviours we both observed during the time with her. Having to deal with her, romantically, is a serious thing, and can have profound consequences on your emotional well-being.

As for my replacement, I know very little... .but the few things I know are very interesting. Their relationship lasted, more or less, 13 months, and it ended quite badly, with him removing her from his FB friends, and her doing stupid, manipulatory FB posts targeting him in the aftermath.

In conclusion, I had the proof from multiple sources that having to deal with her is an emotionally terrifying experience -- remember, we were all some sort of replacement of someone else, even unknowingly! -- which further strengthened my certainty that she definitely is a disturbed individual.

My God that's so bad. at times it feel like you want to just give up but you got to keep going.

It's hard because you not only hurt from the relationship, but you start to get down on yourself for letting it happen to you (we often overlook the obvious red flags), and then you start to think about other things in your life... .and if other things aren't all that great, it can really add up. 

With me, my career is pretty pathetic right now, and my friends are busy with babies and work or live far from me, so I feel like I have nothing and EVERYTHING sucks.  I don't have urges to kill myself, but I do find it hard to snap out of sadness at times. 

When people drink or do drugs, that can add to how hard it is to cope.  We just don't know what his psyche was like before he met her, too, and how far broken he became because of her.  I can see how I would have gone insane had I stayed with my guy.  Like literally maybe needing drugs to get me through (not recreational drugs, but anti-depressant types, though I hope to never go there). 

It's true, as much as we hate the replacement, we have to feel a little sorry for them.  We think they will magically get the good version of our ex, but reality is-- our ex is disordered and the true colors will come out eventually.  This guy's ex may actually believe she tried to help him from his demons. 

When I was in college, I had an ex who destroyed me and was trying to still be with me while he was already moved in with the replacement.  this is back in the day of pagers, and I broke the code of his pager, so I could listen to his messages.  Poor girl was getting the same treatment.  It was very sad.  She would leave crying messages on his pager, begging him to believe her, that she wasn't doing anything and she was good to him.  He eventually cheated on her and got the other girl pregnant.  Took four years of that poor girl's life and then cheated and got someone else pregnant (she put up with it for that long-- I only know this because he would periodically try to get with me as if he was a good guy now, and we had mutual friends who would tell me things, and I ran into him years later and found out some stuff.  I still refuse to have any contact with him).  Well, I don't know how long the wife stayed, but not long because he is now single and  living in another state (still trying to "friend" me online) and clearly has a bad relationship with his kids. 

In this guy's case my ex was just about the worse person for him.

He had been chasing her for approx a year before I even met her, she got with me pretty much as soon as I met her and he was in the friend zone, she actually used to mock him quite badly to me.

What I THINK then happened and I can't prove this but just based on the info I do have, is that she got with him during one of our falling out with the intention of hurting me, but I don't think she thought it through very well.

Anyway she told me that dude had been cheated on before and stuff and I was like oh sweet Jesus this guy is going to get destroyed.

But I never imagined this.

This is a very sobering post, inferno. Hope you're okay - this would have hit me hard.

There were times when I thought about ending it, but they were fleeting moments more than anything else - moments when the pain was just too much to bare that I wondered if it would just be easier. I, however, did not want this to destroy me and thought of all the people who love me and wanted to see me get better. But I can see how it's so easy to let a break-up from a pwBPD consume you. It's the most horrific and confusing thing I've ever been through and I *hate* to think how I would have dealt with it had I been a bit younger.

So very thankful for this board right now - even more than usual. Thank you to everyone who helps with thoughtful posts and sharing their experiences.

Yeah they do move on pretty fast no matter what the situation is I guess.

It is so existentially chilling-- it really is a deep distortion of love. It looks like love, it feels like love... .But in reality it is a vacuum of love.

"existentially chilling" -kc sunshine
I agree. This dialogue from Penny Dreadfuls resonated with what you said.

John Clare (Dr.Frankenstein's monster) says "True evil is above all things, seductive. When the Devil knocks at your door, he doesn't have cloven hooves; he's beautiful. Enough is in your heart's desire and whispered airs. Like a siren beckoning you to her ruinous shore."

Wax Museum Owner replies "And what do you do when that siren sings?"

John Clare says "You save your soul. Or, you give it to her."

W.M.O. "But then, you're damned."

John Clare "But, you're not alone."