My "replacement" killed himself

[Infern0]

How are you doing infern0?

This whole thing has been on my mind too much lately, I'm trying to shake it off and get back to normal but it's hard, in a weird way still miss her or more the person I thought she was. I feel bad for my replacement too.

It's a funny thing because mine and her relationship was a "secret one" which was never made public by her but theirs was and she actually moved in with him.

But theirs only lasted a little over a year all told, ours was longer on and off.

But now I feel maybe I was actually lucky to never get that close.

I feel bad too because she told me theirs was a "show relationship" and she didn't really love him. But did me.

Obviously it's impossible to know what's true and what's not but still just the words are bad

Do you know how she feels about the passing ? Just curious on how she reacted

I did have a look on her Facebook but I stopped because it was triggering but she put a picture of him up and said she was devastated and had tried to help him etc but then she was just putting up pictures of her at the beach and at the club and stuff business as usual.

Hard to say from the outside but I don't think it really had a huge effect. Maybe behind closed doors it's different I couldn't say.

[Circle]

Thanks for sharing. Helps me feel grateful to be on the outs with my x. Hang in there with the feelings that have been unearthed because of this.

[Fr4nz]

Hi guys,

just to give my personal contribution to this thread... .I had the chance, some time ago, to talk with an ex of my uBPD/HPD exgf; this is the guy with whom my ex had the longest r/s (almost 4 years), and their relationship ended 3 years before the one she had with me... .so, I deemed he was the ideal person to have the final confirmation that  she was really dysfunctional: he was completely out from her life for quite some time.

Basically, I asked him if he observed all the plethora of dysfunctional behaviours I observed during the relationship... .the answer was that, not only he observed all these things, he also added further dysfunctional behaviours (for example, possessiveness and jealousy) that I was lucky enough to not experience.

All in all, he told me that he had to break-up with her for "(emotional) survival reasons" (sic!), thus confirming the seriousness of the behaviours we both observed during the time with her. Having to deal with her, romantically, is a serious thing, and can have profound consequences on your emotional well-being.

As for my replacement, I know very little... .but the few things I know are very interesting. Their relationship lasted, more or less, 13 months, and it ended quite badly, with him removing her from his FB friends, and her doing stupid, manipulatory FB posts targeting him in the aftermath.

In conclusion, I had the proof from multiple sources that having to deal with her is an emotionally terrifying experience -- remember, we were all some sort of replacement of someone else, even unknowingly! -- which further strengthened my certainty that she definitely is a disturbed individual.

[lind67]

My God that's so bad. at times it feel like you want to just give up but you got to keep going.

[prettykitty]

It's hard because you not only hurt from the relationship, but you start to get down on yourself for letting it happen to you (we often overlook the obvious red flags), and then you start to think about other things in your life... .and if other things aren't all that great, it can really add up. 

With me, my career is pretty pathetic right now, and my friends are busy with babies and work or live far from me, so I feel like I have nothing and EVERYTHING sucks.  I don't have urges to kill myself, but I do find it hard to snap out of sadness at times. 

When people drink or do drugs, that can add to how hard it is to cope.  We just don't know what his psyche was like before he met her, too, and how far broken he became because of her.  I can see how I would have gone insane had I stayed with my guy.  Like literally maybe needing drugs to get me through (not recreational drugs, but anti-depressant types, though I hope to never go there). 

It's true, as much as we hate the replacement, we have to feel a little sorry for them.  We think they will magically get the good version of our ex, but reality is-- our ex is disordered and the true colors will come out eventually.  This guy's ex may actually believe she tried to help him from his demons. 

When I was in college, I had an ex who destroyed me and was trying to still be with me while he was already moved in with the replacement.  this is back in the day of pagers, and I broke the code of his pager, so I could listen to his messages.  Poor girl was getting the same treatment.  It was very sad.  She would leave crying messages on his pager, begging him to believe her, that she wasn't doing anything and she was good to him.  He eventually cheated on her and got the other girl pregnant.  Took four years of that poor girl's life and then cheated and got someone else pregnant (she put up with it for that long-- I only know this because he would periodically try to get with me as if he was a good guy now, and we had mutual friends who would tell me things, and I ran into him years later and found out some stuff.  I still refuse to have any contact with him).  Well, I don't know how long the wife stayed, but not long because he is now single and  living in another state (still trying to "friend" me online) and clearly has a bad relationship with his kids. 

[Infern0]

It's hard because you not only hurt from the relationship, but you start to get down on yourself for letting it happen to you (we often overlook the obvious red flags), and then you start to think about other things in your life... .and if other things aren't all that great, it can really add up. 

With me, my career is pretty pathetic right now, and my friends are busy with babies and work or live far from me, so I feel like I have nothing and EVERYTHING sucks.  I don't have urges to kill myself, but I do find it hard to snap out of sadness at times. 

When people drink or do drugs, that can add to how hard it is to cope.  We just don't know what his psyche was like before he met her, too, and how far broken he became because of her.  I can see how I would have gone insane had I stayed with my guy.  Like literally maybe needing drugs to get me through (not recreational drugs, but anti-depressant types, though I hope to never go there). 

It's true, as much as we hate the replacement, we have to feel a little sorry for them.  We think they will magically get the good version of our ex, but reality is-- our ex is disordered and the true colors will come out eventually.  This guy's ex may actually believe she tried to help him from his demons. 

When I was in college, I had an ex who destroyed me and was trying to still be with me while he was already moved in with the replacement.  this is back in the day of pagers, and I broke the code of his pager, so I could listen to his messages.  Poor girl was getting the same treatment.  It was very sad.  She would leave crying messages on his pager, begging him to believe her, that she wasn't doing anything and she was good to him.  He eventually cheated on her and got the other girl pregnant.  Took four years of that poor girl's life and then cheated and got someone else pregnant (she put up with it for that long-- I only know this because he would periodically try to get with me as if he was a good guy now, and we had mutual friends who would tell me things, and I ran into him years later and found out some stuff.  I still refuse to have any contact with him).  Well, I don't know how long the wife stayed, but not long because he is now single and  living in another state (still trying to "friend" me online) and clearly has a bad relationship with his kids. 

In this guy's case my ex was just about the worse person for him.

He had been chasing her for approx a year before I even met her, she got with me pretty much as soon as I met her and he was in the friend zone, she actually used to mock him quite badly to me.

What I THINK then happened and I can't prove this but just based on the info I do have, is that she got with him during one of our falling out with the intention of hurting me, but I don't think she thought it through very well.

Anyway she told me that dude had been cheated on before and stuff and I was like oh sweet Jesus this guy is going to get destroyed.

But I never imagined this.

[Hopeful83]

This is a very sobering post, inferno. Hope you're okay - this would have hit me hard.

There were times when I thought about ending it, but they were fleeting moments more than anything else - moments when the pain was just too much to bare that I wondered if it would just be easier. I, however, did not want this to destroy me and thought of all the people who love me and wanted to see me get better. But I can see how it's so easy to let a break-up from a pwBPD consume you. It's the most horrific and confusing thing I've ever been through and I *hate* to think how I would have dealt with it had I been a bit younger.

So very thankful for this board right now - even more than usual. Thank you to everyone who helps with thoughtful posts and sharing their experiences.

[Dontknow88]

How are you doing infern0?

This whole thing has been on my mind too much lately, I'm trying to shake it off and get back to normal but it's hard, in a weird way still miss her or more the person I thought she was. I feel bad for my replacement too.

It's a funny thing because mine and her relationship was a "secret one" which was never made public by her but theirs was and she actually moved in with him.

But theirs only lasted a little over a year all told, ours was longer on and off.

But now I feel maybe I was actually lucky to never get that close.

I feel bad too because she told me theirs was a "show relationship" and she didn't really love him. But did me.

Obviously it's impossible to know what's true and what's not but still just the words are bad

Do you know how she feels about the passing ? Just curious on how she reacted

I did have a look on her Facebook but I stopped because it was triggering but she put a picture of him up and said she was devastated and had tried to help him etc but then she was just putting up pictures of her at the beach and at the club and stuff business as usual.

Hard to say from the outside but I don't think it really had a huge effect. Maybe behind closed doors it's different I couldn't say.

Yeah they do move on pretty fast no matter what the situation is I guess.

[kc sunshine]

It is so existentially chilling-- it really is a deep distortion of love. It looks like love, it feels like love... .But in reality it is a vacuum of love.

[Circle]

"existentially chilling" -kc sunshine
I agree. This dialogue from Penny Dreadfuls resonated with what you said.

John Clare (Dr.Frankenstein's monster) says "True evil is above all things, seductive. When the Devil knocks at your door, he doesn't have cloven hooves; he's beautiful. Enough is in your heart's desire and whispered airs. Like a siren beckoning you to her ruinous shore."

Wax Museum Owner replies "And what do you do when that siren sings?"

John Clare says "You save your soul. Or, you give it to her."

W.M.O. "But then, you're damned."

John Clare "But, you're not alone."