BPDFamily.com

I have been reading the forum for the last few weeks in order to try to deal with the trauma and crisis I'm currently experiencing and thought it was time I posted.

My (now ex) girlfriend and I have been dating for two years.  During that time, she has disappeared on me several times - lasting from a few weeks to several months.  These disappearances have always been incredibly stressful for me: the first one resulted in a psychiatric hospitalization of several days.  Since early January our relationship has been long distance as she needed to relocate to the other side of the country for work.  Perhaps because of the distance, our relationship has been much stronger - communication has been excellent, much more consistency, far more openness with our feelings, and overall a great relationship aside from the physical distance separating us.

For most of this year we have been discussing my move to join her (not living together, but in the same city.)  I anticipated some panic about this on her part and perhaps another disappearance.  Instead she informed me a couple weeks before my move that she had slept with a male friend, has developed "feelings" as a result of the infidelity, now needs to "see where this goes", and implored me to cancel my move.  I've already given up my apartment and sold nearly everything I own in anticipation of moving.  Presently I am sleeping in the guest room of a friend, unsure of what to do or where to go. 

A few weeks after she told me the above, we started talking again.  What I thought was a gradual reconciliation turned out to be something else as it eventually came out that this other man was still in her life.  When she asked me if I would attend her hypothetical wedding I couldn't take it anymore and cut off contact.  It's been two weeks of NC for me but she still reaches out every few days.

Happening concurrently with this was an emergency surgery that put me in the hospital for several days and has caused me a lot of pain and weight loss.  She initially told me she would drop everything at work and come take care of me, but that plan evaporated.

At this point I am at a loss as to what to do.  I can't imagine life without her, but I can't have her in my life currently as it's simply too painful to contemplate the fact that she's replaced me with someone else and abandoned me.  I am depressed, anxious, suffering panic attacks every morning at the thought of never seeing her again, and wishing that the surgery I had was some serious illness that would just kill me off to make the pain stop.  I have been trying to find a therapist to deal with my own emotions about this although that process is arduous.

Hello JS,

Being caught in the limbo between knowing what you logically should do and what you emotionally want to do is an exceptionally difficult place to be in.  Pile onto that all the other stuff you have done and are going though and wow.  You should take some pride that you are still "standing" after all this.

My relationship also lasted two years and ended with me being replaced.  Unlike your situation my ex essentially ghosted me which in some ways is better.  Being kept on the string, so to speak, is very painful and I commend you for taking the NC step.  You need to think of yourself right now, your health, both emotional and physical, are of paramount importance.

If you don't mind me asking, what are you finding arduous about finding a therapist?  It is good you are taking this step, sometimes we need guidance to make sense of what is going on inside our minds.

It's been difficult finding a therapist who takes my insurance and has available time.  I met with someone yesterday, but his assessment was that I needed multiple sessions a week at least right now to work on the trauma I am in, and he didn't have sufficiently available time.  I am trying another on Monday, and a third the Monday after that.  Unfortunately that means at the earliest I won't be able to begin proper therapeutic sessions until several weeks from now.

In the meantime I struggle to get through the day.  I feel terrified by the thought of never seeing her again while at the same time being tortured by the memory of her insistence on sharing far too many details about the infidelity and her emotional response to it.  I feel like everyone I encounter must be seeing right through me as I don't think I am good at hiding how much pain I am in.

She keeps reaching out, regularly asking me for reassurances that I'm OK.  But it's too hard to respond knowing she's contacting me while still involved with someone else.  And this all feels like it will never end.

I agree with C. Stein, you should be proud for handling all of this as well as you have! That is a lot to experience at one time.

I had trouble finding a therapist also. It was recommended to me that I try Co-Dependents Anonymous or Al-Anon until I found one. Having a support group that has even a general understanding of what I was experiencing helped a lot. Do you have any groups in your area like those that you could attend in hopes of getting some relief until you can get into therapy?

I think that most of us can relate to struggling to get through the day and feeling like everyone can see what we are feeling. I finally decided that I didn't care what they thought because they don't live my life and are not inside my head.

Similarly, I am really sure that we can all understand the conflict between wanting to be with the person that we love and protecting ourselves from hurt. Fortunately, there are ways to do that. If talking about the other man is too much to handle (and I don't think that anyone here would be able to handle that in stride!), then don't allow her to talk to you about it. Establish a boundary and enforce it. If she starts to talk about it, inform her that you don't want to hear about it because it hurts and then terminate the conversation if she continues.

Also, if her contacting you is too painful right now, then don't allow it. Tell her that it's too painful for you to hear from her right now and that you'll contact her when you're ready. If she continues to try to contact you, block her.

I understand that these things may seem harsh, but it's all about protecting yourself.

Have you decided whether or not you want to work on the relationship, are you done with it, or are you still deciding?

I want to work on the relationship, I've wanted that since this all happened and have not wavered.  But of course I can't do that alone and right now she seems too enthralled by this man (who, incidentally, she'd only known a few weeks before the infidelity) and simply wants me to be "fine" to absolve her of the guilt she claims to feel over the cheating.

When she told me about it, I told her I could forgive her as long as she was willing to do certain things to re-establish trust.  I also told her that I could not be a part of her life as long as he was a part of hers, but I have obviously not been good about maintaining that boundary.

I have been advised to be explicit about what she is doing and saying that I find so hurtful, although I have this nagging fear that telling her I can't interact with her unless certain conditions are met means that I will never hear from her again at all.

I'm also going to see my GP doctor tomorrow morning as I think it might be a good idea to try an anti-anxiety/anti-depression medication in order to regulate myself along with the therapy.  The therapist who was unable to schedule me suggested I might consider finding a "love addiction" 12-step group.  I am unsure if that will help or even if it applies.

I understand.  In the meantime you have found a place here where you can get some support.  


I know how that is ... .the pain is so great it is like you are wearing it.  For several months after the "revelation" by my ex I had constant tears in my eyes.  I simply couldn't stop them and actually had clients ask me what was wrong.  At that time I was experiencing what I can only describe as a hurricane of conflicting emotions.  It was extraordinarily difficult for me to maintain any kind of normality in my life, or even for that matter any sense of reality.  It seemed like my entire life had just imploded.  This site was my lifeline and the people here helped me weather the hurricane until it subsided.

The trauma that can result from being in a relationship with someone who suffers from BPD can be significant and debilitating at best.  Know you are among friends who understand what you are going through right now and can provide you with a helping hand and a shoulder to lean on.


She is likely looking to sooth her own guilt.  She is not thinking about how this is impacting you because she can't see beyond her own emotions and needs which is very much BPD.  At this point NC, in the strictest sense, is probably going to be the best option for you as it puts you back in control.  You have already realized this by not responding and I completely understand why you haven't.  Stand strong and believe you can get through this.

I believe NC is the correct thing to do right now and in the first few days it also felt strengthening.  However, I am now at a point where the NC is increasingly painful as it is triggering my panic about a future without her.  Nevertheless I still feel like it's the best thing.

And you're right, she is trying to soothe her guilt.  I fear that she believes if I tell her I am "OK" or "doing fine" it will be an endorsement of her decisions.

Hey JohnSmith2016:   

Taking some meds for a period of time, can be helpful to relieve the anxiety and depression.  The Fall and Winter can make us more prone to stress and depression, as the shorter days can serve to make things worse for some people with a tendency for a bit of Fall/Winter depression anyway.

Some of the links below might help you with some stress management.  I hope you find some relief soon. 

HERE IS A BOOK AND ACCOMPANYING WEBSITE THAT CAN BE HELPFUL
THE HAPPINESS TRAP (Based on ACT Therapy):
You can buy the book in various forms at Amazon or other sources.  If you go to the website below, you can print out several handouts/workbook sheets:

www.thehappinesstrap.com/free_resources

This website is a cognative therapy website in Australia
https://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome

This website has some tools to track anxiety, moods and some some behavior changes
https://abctracker.anxiety.org/

Mindfulness, meditation and hypnosis can be helpful.  Here is a link to a visual meditation that could be a starting point.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N0Lo5tUXkVI

Breathing Exercises for Stress Relief:
www.drweil.com/drw/u/ART00521/three-breathing-exercises.html

I know how hard it is to feel like you are losing a part of yourself.  When you heavily invest yourself into another person the void that is left behind when that person is gone seems infinite.  In the hundreds upon hundreds of stories I have read here there is something that is common among most of them.  The nature of BPD leads (requires) the "non" to make them the center of their universe at the exclusion of all else, including our personal selves. I believe this is why so many of us feel completely lost, directionless, hopeless and empty when that "center" is removed.

You engage in NC for your own preservation and you have to now do what is best for you and your own personal health and well being.  As hard as it might be to find yourself again in the seemingly never ending darkness, you are still there and you will find yourself again. 



Her guilt is hers and hers alone to bear.  It is not your responsibility to relieve her of her guilt, it never was.

This is my experience.  I am having struggling even knowing who I am now. 


While I understand this rationally, knowing she is in pain (even though it's self-inflicted) still fuels a powerful desire in me to try to do what I can to alleviate it.  I also feel like I am breaking a promise to never abandon her by staying away and maintaining NC regardless of the circumstances.

I have been trying these since yesterday when you posted.  It's been helpful.  Thanks.

I don't think "no contact" has worked--clearly she is still contacting you! red-flag  And this contact hurts you.

You need to contact her one more time.  She needs to hear clearly from you that her recurring attempts to contact you are unwelcome because they cause you pain.  If she has rejected you in favor of someone else, then it is no longer your responsibility to make her feel better about herself.  She has moved on from you, you need the opportunity to move on from her.

"I understand that you want to feel better about cheating and dumping me.  But I am very hurt and feel even worse every time that you contact me.  It is no longer my responsibility to make you feel good about yourself, especially not to make you feel good about hurting me.  You have moved on from me by choosing this other guy.  You owe me the freedom to move on from you.  If you want to feel good about yourself, feel good about letting me heal and get on with my life.  Thank you."

I don't actually agree with this statement. You can work on the relationship all by yourself.

In every relationship there are two people who each contribute it. You contributed to your relationship. While you're in NC-mode (which I think is an important first step btw!), you can focus on yourself. When you're ready, you can examine the relationship, your actions, and how you contributed to any problems. Most of us find that if we had communicated differently many of the problems would not have arisen. Please do not take that to mean that I'm placing any blame on your for anything; much less her being unfaithful. That one is clearly on her.

The other thing that you can do during this time to help your relationship is to strengthen yourself mentally and emotionally. This will be necessary to maintain any healthy relationship and extremely important when dealing with pwBPD.

Many of us want our SO back so badly that we'd love to just jump back into the relationship. But, if we did that without learning new tools and strengthening ourselves, we'd just be right back to where we were before it ended - complete with all the strife.

So, while you're in NC, you can actually work on improving the relationship by improving yourself. Make sense?

"I don't actually agree with this statement. You can work on the relationship all by yourself."

"In every relationship there are two people who each contribute it."

Yes, there are at least two people in every relationship.  Once she left the relationship, it ceased to exist.  Therefore he can't work on it by himself.  Working on the relationship, at this point, means reestablishing it--something he can't do without her also wanting to do so.

What he can work on by himself is taking care of himself--which means avoiding painful and unproductive contact with her.  That means clearly telling her that her behavior is causing him unnecessary anguish and she needs to back off.

This is really hard stuff. We all feel for you, John.

From her perspective, she has met someone and wants to see where it will go. This most likely means that she is hoping this other relationship will blossom but doesn't have any assurances from the other party. Since she has no down time (between relationships) and is in that "don't know yet" stage with the new guy, she is leaning back on you for stability and reassurance. Her comment about the wedding shows that she is still connected to you and finds comfort in that - and she's shifting you into friend zone.

From your perspective, you can't imagine life without her, but you can't have her in my life currently as it's simply too painful to contemplate the fact that she's with someone else and abandoned you when you were sick.

I'm stating the obvious, but sometimes it helps to see it.

At 35,000 ft, we know that long distance is a huge strain on relationships and we know that new relationships often fail in the first 90 days. I don't know many weeks this has been going on, but it sounds like the new relationship has not yet "set". This has not completely played out yet.

Whenever any like yourself is in this position, its sucks. There are no good or clear things to do. It requires a lot of finesse with respect to the other person and you have to be careful not to treat yourself badly.

What is the best way go for you? That's personal and you need to push around a bit and find your own comfort zone.

Some things not to do:

... .I wouldn't become her confidant on her new relationship - just politely let her know when she gets into murky water that "I don't want to talk about that, OK". Don't make it a big deal about how it hurts, just be matter of fact. "I don't want to about that".

... .don't beg or be weak. This will only lower her opinion of you. Be strong and confident. You love her, if she doesn't love you back, that hurts, I'll be ok. (harder to do than say, I know).

Things I would do:

... .give her space. Don't drill her on the other relationship. Touch base to know where it is from time to time, but don't pry. You're only going to get filtered information that is hard to analyze. For example, if the other relationship starts tanking, she may actually be talking more favorably about it/him. Just get basic updates - "still seeing John", "OK".

... .take space for yourself. Don't be a puppy dog waiting by the door. Don't jump at every call. Pull back as much as you need, just don't announce it. That's weak. Be strong. You will feel better about it. It will be attractive to her.

Have you discussed going out there to meet her?

How did that go?

I don't know what happened with this post.  I think most of what I wrote was deleted and the quoting is all wrong.  Anyway, corrected:


It's been less than six weeks.  So it's still pretty new.


That is what I am doing although it's challenging.  She is very sensitive to being abandoned and I promised her repeatedly I would never make her feel that way.  I suppose under the circumstances I don't owe her that kind of continued emotional support but it's difficult not to be tempted.


I should have when this all first happened but I was too distraught to do so. 

This is a brief follow-up for those who are interested:

As I mentioned in my first post, my ex blew up our relationship with infidelity and is still involved in some way with the other party.  I initiated no contact after discovering he was still in her life, despite repeated messages from her over the past three weeks imploring me to talk to her and professing ignorance about why I wouldn't want to.  Last night she pleaded with me for a reply, telling me that she "thinks about me every day."  Obviously this was hard not to reply to.  I decided rather than a text conversation I would write her a letter, reiterating that I can not and will not be a part of her life as long as her cheating partner is still in the picture.  This was extremely hard, I fear telling her that there are conditions on our contact and that I do not want to hear from her right now will provoke her into never speaking to me again under any circumstances.

The letter is sent, though.  It's out there. 

Thanks for the update.

Setting and enforcing boundaries that might forevermore remove our pwBPD from our lives is hard and scary. But, you have to ask yourself what the alternative is though? Do you try to maintain a relationship with someone who is going to continue to disregard your feelings and needs?

I hope that it works out in the best possible way for you.

As Melli has said, setting and enforcing boundaries like this is very difficult.  Your boundary is more than reasonable and is necessary for your own emotional well being.  In my last letter to my ex I asked her to keep the details of her life now to herself, in the event she was feeling like sharing them with me.  I don't want to know what she is doing for one simple reason ... .it is too painful. 

My ex has aggressively stepped up her efforts to get my attention and it's really tearing me up.  I want to hear from her and I want us to still communicate, but I just can't tolerate her continued involvement with her infidelity partner.  I am obsessively tracking the letter I sent, waiting for it to get to her.  I hope I have done the right thing.  I know setting this boundary is entirely reasonable, but part of me is terrified of saying anything that suggests I don't want her in my life anymore.

Is it not true that you don't want her in your life anymore as long as she's with the other guy?

Yes, I suppose I am assuming her association with him is temporary.  Maybe I should not be assuming so much.  My concern is that this boundary will be interpreted as a permanent rejection.  I realize this is irrational on my part and probably should not even be my principal concern since the current situation is so painful and her repeated attempts to keep me around while she is involved with someone else is the main cause of that pain.

JS,

Even if she were to come back could you trust her again?  I understand the desire to relieve your pain, and while her coming back might provide some temporary relief, what then?  How would you deal with the trust issues?

I think I could trust her again provided she was willing to do certain things (complete expulsion of him from her life and possibly couples therapy.)  Obviously it would take work on both of our parts but I think trust could be restored.  It is still worth it to me to make the attempt.

Yes, trust can be rebuilt if both parties are willing to do the work.

Do you think that she would be willing to put in the effort?

Ditto!  If she does suffer from BPD the likelihood of her making the needed effort in a meaningful and sustained way is small.  Are you prepared for this possibility JS?

I am not sure I have answers for either of these questions today.  I don't know how she will react to the letter I sent let alone whether at some point in the future she'd be willing to put sufficient effort into repairing our relationship.  I just have no answer for this.

There's nothing wrong with not having the answers right now. We are just trying to get you to look at the big picture.

Maintaining a relationship with a pwBPD is hard work and can take it's toll on us emotionally. Being ready for it is the best possible protective measure.

I broke NC on Saturday to inform my ex that she has a letter waiting at the post office from me.  This annoyed and upset her - I think she's apprehensive about why I would contact her in that way (by letter.)  She told me the earliest she could get to it would be the 8th (next Saturday) so I told her I'd collect my thoughts and email her instead.  She responded that she'd go get the letter as soon as she could, but it would take some time.  She also volunteered that she "accepted that I don't want to be a part of her life" (which is of course only partially true, but I have realized of late that I actually needed to spell out to her explicitly the circumstances I would accept being in her life again.  She then became angry about the NC.  A painful conversation via texting was what I was trying to avoid by contacting her by letter but it seems like that's what I ended up with anyway.

There is some valuable information in this if you "listen with empathy." What do you think that she was trying to tell you?

Perhaps that she's trying to respect my wishes however belatedly after a month of NC.  Am I missing something obvious?

Can you try to look at what she said from her point of view?

From her point of view I disappeared into NC for no understandable reason and as a result she assumed I want to no further interaction with her at all.  And I suppose she's trying to respect that on some level.

Do you think that, maybe, this comes into play in what she was telling you?

Oh, certainly.  This is my responsibility in some part for not making it clear why I reacted the way I did.

An update for those interested:

My ex, who is 3000 miles away on the other coast, still hadn't received the letter I sent her by last Wednesday and blew up at me about my NC/LC with her via text: ":)on't ever contact me again", "You send me a letter I can't get and then ignore me", "We aren't friends.  We aren't anything."  I have seen her rage before but it has never actually been directed at me (which I realize is somewhat atypical in these situations.  She tends to be avoidant and disappearing rather than raging.)  Needless to say this was incredibly painful.  In response I emailed her the text of the letter describing the boundary I required and the reason for no contact (again to recap: she cheated on me with my now replacement and is still with him.)  She IMed me the following day only to say that she's read the letter.  There's been no contact on either side since.  I am relieved that she now understands what my feelings are about this and seems to be respecting them, although I fear that despite the fact that I needed to do this I will now never hear from her ever again.

More followup:

She called me twice Saturday night.  I have been ill and missed her calls.  I arranged by text for a call Sunday night.  She called, decided after five minutes that the call was a mistake and hung up on me.  I assumed, cautiously, that her calling me meant that something changed with my replacement.

After the call she texted me to again say calling was a mistake and also to point out that she intends to marry my replacement (who she has known less than three months.)  I am despondent and feel more lost than ever.

I am very sorry you had to hear that JS, I know how hard it would be for me to hear that.  Beware of assumptions, one can never truly know someones thoughts, particularly when that person suffers from BPD.  Where does this leave you?  Where do you want to go from here?

I thought before yesterday I was in a strong place: a reasonable boundary (no contact while the replacement is in her life) and a clear understanding on both sides.  Which is why I initially thought the calls were a good thing.  But she just blew through my boundary and I let her do it, only to be reminded how thoroughly I have been replaced and how she seems almost pleased and defiant in pointing that out to me.

I don't know what to do now.  I imagine at some point she will reach out to me again, and I don't know how I will react.  I was guardedly hopeful about things before yesterday.  Now that's gone.

Let's look at this, since the only thing you can do here is what you do for yourself.  How do you think you could have handled this better? 

I should have, before engaging in any further interaction, asked if her situation had changed in a way that met me requirements (instead of just hopefully assuming it.)  Then I would have been saved this painful conversation.

I agree.  If she calls again, do you think you can enforce this boundary now?

I think I have to.  I don't know if I can.

I think you have to as well, for your own emotional well being. 

I know how hard it is when you love someone, but remind yourself that when she reaches out after you have established a very clear boundary, it is at a minimum disrespectful on her part. 

I discovered that she instant messaged me yesterday.  The messages are sitting in my Gmail account but I haven't read them.  I assume they are more attempts to provoke me.  I hate that this is what our relationship has become.

Getting no response to her IMs, she texted me this morning that she's moved in with my replacement.  She went from not knowing this man at a four months ago to moving into his house, and completely wrecking my life in the process.

I know how hard that is to swallow and make sense of.  It come from a desperate need to secure an attachment, any attachment no matter the cost.  There is little to no thought of consequences (short or long term) to many decisions a borderline will make.  This was one of the things about my ex that caused a lot of fear and anxiety in me.

Where does this leave you now?

At the moment it leaves me alone with a bottle of whiskey.  She's added that she's upset by my silence and is afraid that I hate her.

Watch the hard liquor, it is all too easy to abuse it. 

Sometimes a person needs time to work through their own thoughts and simply have nothing to say at the moment.  Some people would call that "silent treatment" but there is a difference IMO.  Silent treatment is done with intent to hurt and/or manipulate.  Staying silent is done because you have nothing to say, or at least nothing productive to say.

Which camp are you in right now?

Thing about all this is, you owe her nothing right now, given she has taken up residence with someone else.  Your silence is perfectly understandable to me.

This has been weekend with a lot of changes.  I have given up alcohol again, hopefully permanently.  It also turns out that there was some misunderstandings.  My ex did not move in with my replacement, she moved OUT and they are no longer together.  Which explains her renewed interest in trying to reconcile with me.  Of course I want this but now the struggle is not to be consumed by the fear and stress of her leaving again.  The fact that we are still 3000 miles apart is also not helping.  Reconciliation after infidelity is never easy and it's additionally much more stressful in this situation as I feel any roadblock we hit or any disagreement or misunderstanding we have will send her back to my replacement, who unlike me is a short drive away.

This is a very real and valid concern if you are to move forward, especially given the distance.  If you cannot find a way to deal with these emotions you should take a big step back and give some careful consideration on how you want to proceed. 

Speaking from experience with my ex, the fear, anxiety and stress started to impact me physically in addition to the emotional and mental toll it was taking on me.  This is not how I want to live my life, no matter how much I might love her.  I tried my best to shrug off the threats, implications and other things that caused these emotions.  While on the surface I might have appeared to be dealing with them (until the last 6 months), internally they were tearing me apart.  No matter how much I wanted to trust her there was always the seed of doubt, one that she would intermittently water with things she said or did.

Think long and hard about how a future with this woman will be long term, without the blinders, rose-tinted glasses or sugar-coated reality.  You owe this much to yourself.

I cannot tell you how much I agree with this statement. This must be one of the first steps moving forward. You have to completely see the reality of the situation in order to save the relationship. If you don't, you cannot accept it completely and the emotional strain will likely cause it to break down again.

I have been spending a lot of time contemplating this.  Even now only a week in I think, thanks to my experience and greater understanding of this disorder and my willingness now to be more honest with myself about what I have to expect, I am handling this much better: I am not being so brutally emotionally swayed by the push-pull dynamics that are already happening or fearing what the underlying meaning of her constant need of reassurance is.  I realize she and I have a huge amount of work to do, especially as a consequence of the infidelity, but I am feeling like I am in a stronger position for my own health than before all this started.

*mod*

This thread has reached its posting limit.  Please feel free to continue the conversation in a new thread.