First post, my story

[chapter100]

I have been reading the forum for the last few weeks in order to try to deal with the trauma and crisis I'm currently experiencing and thought it was time I posted.

My (now ex) girlfriend and I have been dating for two years.  During that time, she has disappeared on me several times - lasting from a few weeks to several months.  These disappearances have always been incredibly stressful for me: the first one resulted in a psychiatric hospitalization of several days.  Since early January our relationship has been long distance as she needed to relocate to the other side of the country for work.  Perhaps because of the distance, our relationship has been much stronger - communication has been excellent, much more consistency, far more openness with our feelings, and overall a great relationship aside from the physical distance separating us.

For most of this year we have been discussing my move to join her (not living together, but in the same city.)  I anticipated some panic about this on her part and perhaps another disappearance.  Instead she informed me a couple weeks before my move that she had slept with a male friend, has developed "feelings" as a result of the infidelity, now needs to "see where this goes", and implored me to cancel my move.  I've already given up my apartment and sold nearly everything I own in anticipation of moving.  Presently I am sleeping in the guest room of a friend, unsure of what to do or where to go. 

A few weeks after she told me the above, we started talking again.  What I thought was a gradual reconciliation turned out to be something else as it eventually came out that this other man was still in her life.  When she asked me if I would attend her hypothetical wedding I couldn't take it anymore and cut off contact.  It's been two weeks of NC for me but she still reaches out every few days.

Happening concurrently with this was an emergency surgery that put me in the hospital for several days and has caused me a lot of pain and weight loss.  She initially told me she would drop everything at work and come take care of me, but that plan evaporated.

At this point I am at a loss as to what to do.  I can't imagine life without her, but I can't have her in my life currently as it's simply too painful to contemplate the fact that she's replaced me with someone else and abandoned me.  I am depressed, anxious, suffering panic attacks every morning at the thought of never seeing her again, and wishing that the surgery I had was some serious illness that would just kill me off to make the pain stop.  I have been trying to find a therapist to deal with my own emotions about this although that process is arduous.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[C.Stein]

Hello JS,

Being caught in the limbo between knowing what you logically should do and what you emotionally want to do is an exceptionally difficult place to be in.  Pile onto that all the other stuff you have done and are going though and wow.  You should take some pride that you are still "standing" after all this.

My relationship also lasted two years and ended with me being replaced.  Unlike your situation my ex essentially ghosted me which in some ways is better.  Being kept on the string, so to speak, is very painful and I commend you for taking the NC step.  You need to think of yourself right now, your health, both emotional and physical, are of paramount importance.

If you don't mind me asking, what are you finding arduous about finding a therapist?  It is good you are taking this step, sometimes we need guidance to make sense of what is going on inside our minds.

[chapter100]

It's been difficult finding a therapist who takes my insurance and has available time.  I met with someone yesterday, but his assessment was that I needed multiple sessions a week at least right now to work on the trauma I am in, and he didn't have sufficiently available time.  I am trying another on Monday, and a third the Monday after that.  Unfortunately that means at the earliest I won't be able to begin proper therapeutic sessions until several weeks from now.

In the meantime I struggle to get through the day.  I feel terrified by the thought of never seeing her again while at the same time being tortured by the memory of her insistence on sharing far too many details about the infidelity and her emotional response to it.  I feel like everyone I encounter must be seeing right through me as I don't think I am good at hiding how much pain I am in.

She keeps reaching out, regularly asking me for reassurances that I'm OK.  But it's too hard to respond knowing she's contacting me while still involved with someone else.  And this all feels like it will never end.

[Meili]

I agree with C. Stein, you should be proud for handling all of this as well as you have! That is a lot to experience at one time.

I had trouble finding a therapist also. It was recommended to me that I try Co-Dependents Anonymous or Al-Anon until I found one. Having a support group that has even a general understanding of what I was experiencing helped a lot. Do you have any groups in your area like those that you could attend in hopes of getting some relief until you can get into therapy?

I think that most of us can relate to struggling to get through the day and feeling like everyone can see what we are feeling. I finally decided that I didn't care what they thought because they don't live my life and are not inside my head.

Similarly, I am really sure that we can all understand the conflict between wanting to be with the person that we love and protecting ourselves from hurt. Fortunately, there are ways to do that. If talking about the other man is too much to handle (and I don't think that anyone here would be able to handle that in stride!), then don't allow her to talk to you about it. Establish a boundary and enforce it. If she starts to talk about it, inform her that you don't want to hear about it because it hurts and then terminate the conversation if she continues.

Also, if her contacting you is too painful right now, then don't allow it. Tell her that it's too painful for you to hear from her right now and that you'll contact her when you're ready. If she continues to try to contact you, block her.

I understand that these things may seem harsh, but it's all about protecting yourself.

Have you decided whether or not you want to work on the relationship, are you done with it, or are you still deciding?

[chapter100]

I want to work on the relationship, I've wanted that since this all happened and have not wavered.  But of course I can't do that alone and right now she seems too enthralled by this man (who, incidentally, she'd only known a few weeks before the infidelity) and simply wants me to be "fine" to absolve her of the guilt she claims to feel over the cheating.

When she told me about it, I told her I could forgive her as long as she was willing to do certain things to re-establish trust.  I also told her that I could not be a part of her life as long as he was a part of hers, but I have obviously not been good about maintaining that boundary.

I have been advised to be explicit about what she is doing and saying that I find so hurtful, although I have this nagging fear that telling her I can't interact with her unless certain conditions are met means that I will never hear from her again at all.

I'm also going to see my GP doctor tomorrow morning as I think it might be a good idea to try an anti-anxiety/anti-depression medication in order to regulate myself along with the therapy.  The therapist who was unable to schedule me suggested I might consider finding a "love addiction" 12-step group.  I am unsure if that will help or even if it applies.

[C.Stein]

It's been difficult finding a therapist who takes my insurance and has available time.  I met with someone yesterday, but his assessment was that I needed multiple sessions a week at least right now to work on the trauma I am in, and he didn't have sufficiently available time.  I am trying another on Monday, and a third the Monday after that.  Unfortunately that means at the earliest I won't be able to begin proper therapeutic sessions until several weeks from now.

I understand.  In the meantime you have found a place here where you can get some support.  

In the meantime I struggle to get through the day.  I feel terrified by the thought of never seeing her again while at the same time being tortured by the memory of her insistence on sharing far too many details about the infidelity and her emotional response to it.  I feel like everyone I encounter must be seeing right through me as I don't think I am good at hiding how much pain I am in.

I know how that is ... .the pain is so great it is like you are wearing it.  For several months after the "revelation" by my ex I had constant tears in my eyes.  I simply couldn't stop them and actually had clients ask me what was wrong.  At that time I was experiencing what I can only describe as a hurricane of conflicting emotions.  It was extraordinarily difficult for me to maintain any kind of normality in my life, or even for that matter any sense of reality.  It seemed like my entire life had just imploded.  This site was my lifeline and the people here helped me weather the hurricane until it subsided.

The trauma that can result from being in a relationship with someone who suffers from BPD can be significant and debilitating at best.  Know you are among friends who understand what you are going through right now and can provide you with a helping hand and a shoulder to lean on.

She keeps reaching out, regularly asking me for reassurances that I'm OK.  But it's too hard to respond knowing she's contacting me while still involved with someone else.  And this all feels like it will never end.

She is likely looking to sooth her own guilt.  She is not thinking about how this is impacting you because she can't see beyond her own emotions and needs which is very much BPD.  At this point NC, in the strictest sense, is probably going to be the best option for you as it puts you back in control.  You have already realized this by not responding and I completely understand why you haven't.  Stand strong and believe you can get through this.

[chapter100]

She is likely looking to sooth her own guilt.  She is not thinking about how this is impacting you because she can't see beyond her own emotions and needs which is very much BPD.  At this point NC, in the strictest sense, is probably going to be the best option for you as it puts you back in control.  You have already realized this by not responding and I completely understand why you haven't.  Stand strong and believe you can get through this.

I believe NC is the correct thing to do right now and in the first few days it also felt strengthening.  However, I am now at a point where the NC is increasingly painful as it is triggering my panic about a future without her.  Nevertheless I still feel like it's the best thing.

And you're right, she is trying to soothe her guilt.  I fear that she believes if I tell her I am "OK" or "doing fine" it will be an endorsement of her decisions.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey JohnSmith2016:   

Taking some meds for a period of time, can be helpful to relieve the anxiety and depression.  The Fall and Winter can make us more prone to stress and depression, as the shorter days can serve to make things worse for some people with a tendency for a bit of Fall/Winter depression anyway.

Some of the links below might help you with some stress management.  I hope you find some relief soon. 

HERE IS A BOOK AND ACCOMPANYING WEBSITE THAT CAN BE HELPFUL
THE HAPPINESS TRAP (Based on ACT Therapy):
You can buy the book in various forms at Amazon or other sources.  If you go to the website below, you can print out several handouts/workbook sheets:

www.thehappinesstrap.com/free_resources

This website is a cognative therapy website in Australia
https://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome

This website has some tools to track anxiety, moods and some some behavior changes
https://abctracker.anxiety.org/

Mindfulness, meditation and hypnosis can be helpful.  Here is a link to a visual meditation that could be a starting point.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N0Lo5tUXkVI

Breathing Exercises for Stress Relief:
www.drweil.com/drw/u/ART00521/three-breathing-exercises.html

[C.Stein]

I believe NC is the correct thing to do right now and in the first few days it also felt strengthening.  However, I am now at a point where the NC is increasingly painful as it is triggering my panic about a future without her.  Nevertheless I still feel like it's the best thing.

I know how hard it is to feel like you are losing a part of yourself.  When you heavily invest yourself into another person the void that is left behind when that person is gone seems infinite.  In the hundreds upon hundreds of stories I have read here there is something that is common among most of them.  The nature of BPD leads (requires) the "non" to make them the center of their universe at the exclusion of all else, including our personal selves. I believe this is why so many of us feel completely lost, directionless, hopeless and empty when that "center" is removed.

You engage in NC for your own preservation and you have to now do what is best for you and your own personal health and well being.  As hard as it might be to find yourself again in the seemingly never ending darkness, you are still there and you will find yourself again. 

And you're right, she is trying to soothe her guilt.  I fear that she believes if I tell her I am "OK" or "doing fine" it will be an endorsement of her decisions.

Her guilt is hers and hers alone to bear.  It is not your responsibility to relieve her of her guilt, it never was.

[chapter100]

The nature of BPD leads (requires) the "non" to make them the center of their universe at the exclusion of all else, including our personal selves. I believe this is why so many of us feel completely lost, directionless, hopeless and empty when that "center" is removed.

This is my experience.  I am having struggling even knowing who I am now. 

Her guilt is hers and hers alone to bear.  It is not your responsibility to relieve her of her guilt, it never was.

While I understand this rationally, knowing she is in pain (even though it's self-inflicted) still fuels a powerful desire in me to try to do what I can to alleviate it.  I also feel like I am breaking a promise to never abandon her by staying away and maintaining NC regardless of the circumstances.

[chapter100]

Breathing Exercises for Stress Relief:
www.drweil.com/drw/u/ART00521/three-breathing-exercises.html

I have been trying these since yesterday when you posted.  It's been helpful.  Thanks.

[BowlOfPetunias]

I don't think "no contact" has worked--clearly she is still contacting you!   And this contact hurts you.

You need to contact her one more time.  She needs to hear clearly from you that her recurring attempts to contact you are unwelcome because they cause you pain.  If she has rejected you in favor of someone else, then it is no longer your responsibility to make her feel better about herself.  She has moved on from you, you need the opportunity to move on from her.

"I understand that you want to feel better about cheating and dumping me.  But I am very hurt and feel even worse every time that you contact me.  It is no longer my responsibility to make you feel good about yourself, especially not to make you feel good about hurting me.  You have moved on from me by choosing this other guy.  You owe me the freedom to move on from you.  If you want to feel good about yourself, feel good about letting me heal and get on with my life.  Thank you."

[Meili]

I want to work on the relationship, I've wanted that since this all happened and have not wavered.  But of course I can't do that alone

I don't actually agree with this statement. You can work on the relationship all by yourself.

In every relationship there are two people who each contribute it. You contributed to your relationship. While you're in NC-mode (which I think is an important first step btw!), you can focus on yourself. When you're ready, you can examine the relationship, your actions, and how you contributed to any problems. Most of us find that if we had communicated differently many of the problems would not have arisen. Please do not take that to mean that I'm placing any blame on your for anything; much less her being unfaithful. That one is clearly on her.

The other thing that you can do during this time to help your relationship is to strengthen yourself mentally and emotionally. This will be necessary to maintain any healthy relationship and extremely important when dealing with pwBPD.

Many of us want our SO back so badly that we'd love to just jump back into the relationship. But, if we did that without learning new tools and strengthening ourselves, we'd just be right back to where we were before it ended - complete with all the strife.

So, while you're in NC, you can actually work on improving the relationship by improving yourself. Make sense?

[BowlOfPetunias]

"I don't actually agree with this statement. You can work on the relationship all by yourself."

"In every relationship there are two people who each contribute it."

Yes, there are at least two people in every relationship.  Once she left the relationship, it ceased to exist.  Therefore he can't work on it by himself.  Working on the relationship, at this point, means reestablishing it--something he can't do without her also wanting to do so.

What he can work on by himself is taking care of himself--which means avoiding painful and unproductive contact with her.  That means clearly telling her that her behavior is causing him unnecessary anguish and she needs to back off.

[Skip]

What I thought was a gradual reconciliation turned out to be something else as it eventually came out that this other man was still in her life.  When she asked me if I would attend her hypothetical wedding I couldn't take it anymore and cut off contact.  It's been two weeks of NC for me but she still reaches out every few days.

This is really hard stuff. We all feel for you, John.

From her perspective, she has met someone and wants to see where it will go. This most likely means that she is hoping this other relationship will blossom but doesn't have any assurances from the other party. Since she has no down time (between relationships) and is in that "don't know yet" stage with the new guy, she is leaning back on you for stability and reassurance. Her comment about the wedding shows that she is still connected to you and finds comfort in that - and she's shifting you into friend zone.

From your perspective, you can't imagine life without her, but you can't have her in my life currently as it's simply too painful to contemplate the fact that she's with someone else and abandoned you when you were sick.

I'm stating the obvious, but sometimes it helps to see it.

At 35,000 ft, we know that long distance is a huge strain on relationships and we know that new relationships often fail in the first 90 days. I don't know many weeks this has been going on, but it sounds like the new relationship has not yet "set". This has not completely played out yet.

Whenever any like yourself is in this position, its sucks. There are no good or clear things to do. It requires a lot of finesse with respect to the other person and you have to be careful not to treat yourself badly.

What is the best way go for you? That's personal and you need to push around a bit and find your own comfort zone.

Some things not to do:

... .I wouldn't become her confidant on her new relationship - just politely let her know when she gets into murky water that "I don't want to talk about that, OK". Don't make it a big deal about how it hurts, just be matter of fact. "I don't want to about that".

... .don't beg or be weak. This will only lower her opinion of you. Be strong and confident. You love her, if she doesn't love you back, that hurts, I'll be ok. (harder to do than say, I know).

Things I would do:

... .give her space. Don't drill her on the other relationship. Touch base to know where it is from time to time, but don't pry. You're only going to get filtered information that is hard to analyze. For example, if the other relationship starts tanking, she may actually be talking more favorably about it/him. Just get basic updates - "still seeing John", "OK".

... .take space for yourself. Don't be a puppy dog waiting by the door. Don't jump at every call. Pull back as much as you need, just don't announce it. That's weak. Be strong. You will feel better about it. It will be attractive to her.

Have you discussed going out there to meet her?

[chapter100]

but she's pleaded with me not to move.  

How did that go?

[chapter100]

but she's pleaded with me not to move.  

How did that go?

I don't know what happened with this post.  I think most of what I wrote was deleted and the quoting is all wrong.  Anyway, corrected:

At 35,000 ft, we know that long distance is a huge strain on relationships and we know that new relationships often fail in the first 90 days. I don't know many weeks this has been going on, but it sounds like the new relationship has not yet "set". This has not completely played out yet.

It's been less than six weeks.  So it's still pretty new.

... .take space for yourself. Don't be a puppy dog waiting by the door. Don't jump at every call. Pull back as much as you need, just don't announce it. That's weak. Be strong. You will feel better about it. It will be attractive to her.

That is what I am doing although it's challenging.  She is very sensitive to being abandoned and I promised her repeatedly I would never make her feel that way.  I suppose under the circumstances I don't owe her that kind of continued emotional support but it's difficult not to be tempted.

Have you discussed going out there to meet her?

I should have when this all first happened but I was too distraught to do so. 

[chapter100]

This is a brief follow-up for those who are interested:

As I mentioned in my first post, my ex blew up our relationship with infidelity and is still involved in some way with the other party.  I initiated no contact after discovering he was still in her life, despite repeated messages from her over the past three weeks imploring me to talk to her and professing ignorance about why I wouldn't want to.  Last night she pleaded with me for a reply, telling me that she "thinks about me every day."  Obviously this was hard not to reply to.  I decided rather than a text conversation I would write her a letter, reiterating that I can not and will not be a part of her life as long as her cheating partner is still in the picture.  This was extremely hard, I fear telling her that there are conditions on our contact and that I do not want to hear from her right now will provoke her into never speaking to me again under any circumstances.

The letter is sent, though.  It's out there. 

[Meili]

Thanks for the update.

Setting and enforcing boundaries that might forevermore remove our pwBPD from our lives is hard and scary. But, you have to ask yourself what the alternative is though? Do you try to maintain a relationship with someone who is going to continue to disregard your feelings and needs?

I hope that it works out in the best possible way for you.

[C.Stein]

I decided rather than a text conversation I would write her a letter, reiterating that I can not and will not be a part of her life as long as her cheating partner is still in the picture.  This was extremely hard, I fear telling her that there are conditions on our contact and that I do not want to hear from her right now will provoke her into never speaking to me again under any circumstances.

The letter is sent, though.  It's out there. 

As Melli has said, setting and enforcing boundaries like this is very difficult.  Your boundary is more than reasonable and is necessary for your own emotional well being.  In my last letter to my ex I asked her to keep the details of her life now to herself, in the event she was feeling like sharing them with me.  I don't want to know what she is doing for one simple reason ... .it is too painful. 

[chapter100]

As Melli has said, setting and enforcing boundaries like this is very difficult.  Your boundary is more than reasonable and is necessary for your own emotional well being.  In my last letter to my ex I asked her to keep the details of her life now to herself, in the event she was feeling like sharing them with me.  I don't want to know what she is doing for one simple reason ... .it is too painful. 

My ex has aggressively stepped up her efforts to get my attention and it's really tearing me up.  I want to hear from her and I want us to still communicate, but I just can't tolerate her continued involvement with her infidelity partner.  I am obsessively tracking the letter I sent, waiting for it to get to her.  I hope I have done the right thing.  I know setting this boundary is entirely reasonable, but part of me is terrified of saying anything that suggests I don't want her in my life anymore.

[Meili]

I know setting this boundary is entirely reasonable, but part of me is terrified of saying anything that suggests I don't want her in my life anymore.

Is it not true that you don't want her in your life anymore as long as she's with the other guy?

[chapter100]

I know setting this boundary is entirely reasonable, but part of me is terrified of saying anything that suggests I don't want her in my life anymore.

Is it not true that you don't want her in your life anymore as long as she's with the other guy?

Yes, I suppose I am assuming her association with him is temporary.  Maybe I should not be assuming so much.  My concern is that this boundary will be interpreted as a permanent rejection.  I realize this is irrational on my part and probably should not even be my principal concern since the current situation is so painful and her repeated attempts to keep me around while she is involved with someone else is the main cause of that pain.

[C.Stein]

JS,

Even if she were to come back could you trust her again?  I understand the desire to relieve your pain, and while her coming back might provide some temporary relief, what then?  How would you deal with the trust issues?

[chapter100]

JS,

Even if she were to come back could you trust her again?  I understand the desire to relieve your pain, and while her coming back might provide some temporary relief, what then?  How would you deal with the trust issues?

I think I could trust her again provided she was willing to do certain things (complete expulsion of him from her life and possibly couples therapy.)  Obviously it would take work on both of our parts but I think trust could be restored.  It is still worth it to me to make the attempt.

[Meili]

Yes, trust can be rebuilt if both parties are willing to do the work.

Do you think that she would be willing to put in the effort?

[C.Stein]

Do you think that she would be willing to put in the effort?

Ditto!  If she does suffer from BPD the likelihood of her making the needed effort in a meaningful and sustained way is small.  Are you prepared for this possibility JS?

[chapter100]

Do you think that she would be willing to put in the effort?

Ditto!  If she does suffer from BPD the likelihood of her making the needed effort in a meaningful and sustained way is small.  Are you prepared for this possibility JS?

I am not sure I have answers for either of these questions today.  I don't know how she will react to the letter I sent let alone whether at some point in the future she'd be willing to put sufficient effort into repairing our relationship.  I just have no answer for this.

[Meili]

There's nothing wrong with not having the answers right now. We are just trying to get you to look at the big picture.

Maintaining a relationship with a pwBPD is hard work and can take it's toll on us emotionally. Being ready for it is the best possible protective measure.

[chapter100]

I broke NC on Saturday to inform my ex that she has a letter waiting at the post office from me.  This annoyed and upset her - I think she's apprehensive about why I would contact her in that way (by letter.)  She told me the earliest she could get to it would be the 8th (next Saturday) so I told her I'd collect my thoughts and email her instead.  She responded that she'd go get the letter as soon as she could, but it would take some time.  She also volunteered that she "accepted that I don't want to be a part of her life" (which is of course only partially true, but I have realized of late that I actually needed to spell out to her explicitly the circumstances I would accept being in her life again.  She then became angry about the NC.  A painful conversation via texting was what I was trying to avoid by contacting her by letter but it seems like that's what I ended up with anyway.