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I'm reposting over on this discussion board. Here is my story... .

For 3 months I really thought I found the one for me. But the last few weeks have gone totally upside down. Let me start. 2 weeks ago my ex was trying to break up with me. She was blaming me for being clingy and this and that. I eventually was able to to talk her down and got to the root of the problem. She was highly stressed out and work and was drained from working two departments while being trained in one and working in the other. So she wanted to break up with me because of nothing. So of course she felt bad and she was saying things like," I hate myself for my behavior. I don't know why I always push you away. I just don't want to ruin you life sad but I feel like I ruin everyone's lives. I should've never broken up with you. I'm such an imbecile. She also said, "Why would I risk it... .Why would I give up on the love of my life? What's wrong with me? So anyways she came down the next day to apologize and we made thing good again. She later sent me this text, " This is why I always try to break up. Because I'm a bad person, and I do this for an undetermined amount of time with everyone I'm close with until I finally feel safe. And then it stops. But until then I can't control this. Believe me, if I did. I would've stopped years ago... .Because I have lost SO MANY people in my life because of this behavior. So I hate myself! Believe me! I don't want to do this to you!

I go and see her that Saturday and we go to a drive in movie for 5-6 hrs and I stay the night. After we got back from the movies she gave me letters that were nicely tied together. There were 33 letters. She said it took her 2 weeks to make. They said,"Open when... .we fight, sad, hopeful for the future etc. They most talked about our future together, how much she loves me, if she wants to break up its a mistake, having children and getting married one day. But there was one letter that said,"Open when... .I push you away. On the back of this envelope it said Open only if necessary. It will change everything. Again only open if 100% sure. Please. So after I got home Sunday morning from her place I opened it. It stated that she has Borderline Personality Disorder. I told her that I read it. She said she need to step away and breathe. So I let her go for awhile. I got ahold of her a few hours later and everything seemed fine. I apologize for reading the letter and told her I loved her. She sent a text back say she loved me no matter what too!

So here is where the bomb went off. 5 hours letter I receive this text out of the blue. (My name). I don't want to be with you anymore. This is it. My final decision. Please don't try and change my mind. Don't call me. Don't call my friends. Don't show up at my house. Don't show up at my work. This will be the last time I contacted you. I will mail you your things, and your sisters thing. Again, DO NOT CONTACT ME. Off course now I have no freaking idea whats happening.

My mom receives a text from her (they were kinda close) saying I need to stop harassing her, her friends and family else she will have a restraining order put on me. She said she has been trying to get away from my obsessive behavior and won't be manipulated by me anymore by saying ill hurt myself. The only thing true here is I have said I would hurt myself and I know I'm wrong for that. She also says she feels unsafe. As I state above we spent 5 hrs at the movies and I spent the night with her. She can't be afraid of me right?

UPDATE:

So We broke up over 3 weeks ago. I continued to contact her after she threaten me with a restraining order. She blocked me on everything imaginable. I sent her flowers and she declined them. I texted her one last time Sunday and she said she was going to put a restraining order on me. Luckily she hadn't blocked my mother's number and my mom was able to talk her down. She told my mom she was done with me and that she was scared of me. That when she is at work that when she sees guys coming in she's afraid it is going to be me. Also, when my mom put her on speaker phone she had so much venom towards me and I've only heard her that mad once before when I screwed up. I tried to ask her a question and she said she didn't want to her it in a very mean voice. Kinda evil in a way. After we got off the phone my mom could tell she was out of it and didn't believe she was saying. She said the her what she perceives is her reality.

Anyways now I'm moving on. But I have one major question. Even with her going to these extremes do you guys think she will try to contact me at some point? The girl I know cares about me. Example: I got in a work accident this summer. She was worried about me and came down to see if I was okay. I was out of it and she took me to the hospital. I had a concussion. She stayed the night with me to make sure I was okay. Another thing. In the 33 letter she left me some said these things. Remember she wrote these the week she broke up with me. Examples: "I know I make a lot of mistake, but ill tell you a secret... .I always come back too and you alone." "please! Forgive me! You're my heart, my strength, my love. Don't give up on me or us!". "I am so sorry  I know I am probably spiraling out of control. Just talk to me and I promise I will come around. It may take a little bit... .but I'm in there... .Somewhere. Please. Wait for me to come back to you". "I'm never giving up". "It's a MISTAKE! We are meant for each other!" Those are the major points of the letters and the other ones talk about having a future together. He calling me her husband, having babies and living together.

This is why when she realizes what she has done I think she will make contact. The woman I know is still in there. Might take sometime but I'm preparing myself. I want to protect myself. I'm not going to lie. If she makes contact I will probably answer.

I might add I told my friends and family about her being scared of me and they were like, "WHAT?" It really makes no sense. She is projecting me as a person I'm not.

Do you think that person is in there? OK, what about the rest of it? Do you think that the person who's in there will prevail? Why did it never happen before in her previous relationships? Are you sure you want this constant uncertainty of which person you're dealing with at any moment? What does she have that you can't find somewhere else without the bad side(s)?

I remember thinking the same at the beginning, that the person she was for the first 6 weeks is in there somewhere. 6 months went by, that imaginary person was even farther away. 4 more months went by, that person had disappeared. I met her some time 5 months later, after I had moved on in some way. I saw a ghost of the person I was looking for. That person was never there. I helped create it and it vanished.

I think she is in there. She is a caring person. Through out our relationship. She always has cared about me. Idk if that person in there will prevail. I just feel that there's so much information I have the I feel she will reach out. Like the letters she gave me were for such an instance to happen. I feel that this didn't happen in the other relationships is because she was with people who treated her like ___. She told me now ever treated her like I did. I haven't decide what I would do if she contacted me. She is giving me the silent treatment. I do want communication but after that IDK what I want. I just want to see if the woman I was with is still in there. I loved her. To me she has 2 strikes on her and if she gets another one she is gone forever.

Willis, I don't know if you've seen any of my posts or not, but my ex of 7 years recently called me after 2 months NC and we met up yesterday.

Like you, I knew I would answer if she called me at any point. But she's "moved on" and it's only more devastating having to deal with her dating people and trying to be "friends" with me after a 7 yr relationship that only recently ended (and was filled with push/pull behavior).
One thing in your post stands out to me, and it's her promise that she'll be back for you if you wait. My ex had said similar things to me over the entire 7 years. She never actually physically left, really... .(we lived together) but she went dark on me. She used to write poetry about how when her eyes go dark, I should look a little closer and see the spark. It was heartbreaking but I too felt like she was "still in there". And honestly I still believe that the girl I am thinking of and the girl that you are thinking of IS still there... .but as hollow mentioned, there's absolutely no telling if it will prevail and if so for how long before she disappears again. I completely understand this pain. I desperately miss my girl. I love her more than anything. But right now she is still "gone" and I have to say, it's been unbelievably painful riding this rollercoaster. Just a word of caution from my own experience.

Hey Willis-


Is it possible to accept that everything is her, and there's no difference between her and the disorder, they're one in the same?  It's interesting that she said she has BPD; has she been officially diagnosed?  It also shows self awareness that she knows she goes into mental places that are unacceptable to you, so she took the time, when she was in a centered state I'm assuming, to write you letters to be used at times like that.  Admirable.


So does that mean you're trying to save the relationship and aren't committed to detaching yet, aren't committed to letting go of hope?

JJacks0 I have been following your posts. Stay strong! Don't back down from what you truly want!

In my case I don't believe my ex will sleep around. She's a quiet borderline. I'm not sure she wants to date, but last I heard she wanted to be alone. I feel her letters were from her future self. You know! Like she knows how she will act and that she will wake up at some point. I'm now going complete NC now because I have to. I'm actually getting comfortable being by myself again and regaining my self confidence. She has to win me back. I don't have to do anything. I know I did nothing wrong, beside saying I would hurt myself. That was a terrible decision and I'm going to get counseling. The woman I was with before that night I loved. The woman she is now is I'm said to say evil. I will answer my phone if she tries to reach out to me, but she will have to take accountability for her actions. She knows she has BPD. She knows she hurts people. I'll lay down my boundaries and tell her this is not okay. If she were to ever pull his on me again she should expect to never her from me again. I know I would be taking a chance this possible next time, but I'm not blind to fact that this could possibly be over or that this could happen again.

Fromheeltoheal

I believe there's two parts of her yes. Yes, she was officially diagnosed 2 years ago she said in the letter. The fact that she wrote them to make me aware makes me feel she will try to comeback. She broke up with because I now she has BPD. Plan and simple.

I'm currently detaching trying to live my life. I'm living my life as if she is never coming back. But, I'm open to reconnecting in the future if things were to work out. But I'm focusing on myself. I just have a feeling this isn't the last I've heard from her. I haven't gone more than a week with contacting her. Now I'm going to go NC. I'm curious when a month goes by if that will shake her up or not.

My ex told me her ex-boyfriend never cared for her, never treat her right, that he was pathetic. Guy used to give her a lift to and from work every single day and tried to kill himself when it was over.

People with BPD will demonise their exes. They will tell you they never felt so deeply, they will tell you that you're the one, that they haven't felt that way before. But it's smoke and mirrors.

I went from 'everything I could look for in a man', 'you're my soulmate, I don't want to lose you' to 'I know I'm never going to feel the same about you, I can't give you the love you deserve'.

My ex said she was physically abused by her ex fiancé. She said that he was a drug addict who had bipolar that I believe. She she was raped for 3 years during when she was between 14-17 i believe. She said her parents don't know about it because of the fact the she said he mother would somehow blame her or make it be her fault for it happening. She said her grandmother is the only she has told. She has told me that her mom was physical abusive when she was a kid and also emotionally abusive. She said she called 911 on her mom one time. I can honestly say her mom is not the best person in the world. I do believe pretty much everything she has said, but now I have questions now. I'm curious if she has said I've hurt her or that she is simple scared of me for some odd reason. I might add she had BPD and PTSD

Willis002, you seem like a really nice guy who cares about his ex a lot. Of course, like everyone else, I can totally relate to your story.
You seem very focused on her getting in touch with you again. But the truth is, some people with BPD just don't come back.

Me and my ex were together for about a few months. She too has had periods where she frankly said the exact same things your ex said. My ex broke up with me a few weeks ago. I didnt try to get in touch with her... .and she has yet to contact me. There is a chance she never will.

The things your ex said were just words. Not to discourage you, but if she has BPD, those are the words she will speak to just anybody she is dating. My ex said the same thing. She also said that after she breaks up she is weak and can be easily reeled into the relationship again. I feel like she said that because she needs me to do that. But i am not talking to her and I am not trying. I love my ex tremendously. I think about her everyday and I miss her too death. My stomach feels sick most of the time because of the breakup. But I am not trying to get in touch with her. And I dont want to focus on her getting in touch with me.

Try to let the girl go and focus solely on you. Remember those were just words. Sure she meant it, sure she felt it, but.with BPD it is all about emotions. Emotions are facts with them. If she painted you black, you will never know if she will paint you white again. And I am sorry to say, that might be a good thing for you.

The person they show to be when you first meet is probably in there, somewhere, but dont forget they have no self. More times than not they mirror you.

I'm sorry for what you're going though. It's sucks I know. I feel I have a chance. First this is the first time this has happened. When she tried breaking up with me the first time she regretted and came down to apologize the next and was miserable all week. She told me that she pushes people away until she feels safe. She is aware of her disorder and that she has lost a lot of people because of her behavior. She truly does care about me. She wrote those letters when she was in a decent state of mind. Mind you she wrote them the week we broke up. She broke up with me because I read the letter that stated she has BPD. In the letters she said to not give up on her and her wait for her. In my heart I believe I will hear from her one day. It might not be next week, next month or a year from now but I feel that since I'm the first guy in her life that has treated her right and we had no prior issue there's that chance. Nothing for sure but a chance she reaches out to me. I think if anything she will feel really bad about what she has done. See she is aware of what she does with such a behavior. I have tried contacting her each week and that of course backfired and hasn't given her space. I feel once in our if the picture her abandonment will kick in. Honestly she isn't like some of the girls I have heard about on her. She showed me the guys she dated before she met me. Like went on a couple dates and that's it. She won't just jump into someone's lap. She at least makes choices. I feel that if she gets in a relationship that could wake her up and miss me, she could feel bad about she did at some point, she wants to start a family and be a mother sooner than later. She wants to be a wife and mother. She said within two years she wanted those things and wanted to have kids by 25. She is 21. I know she never cheated on me, never was about money, didn't lie to, etc. I believe the woman I met is still in there she just need to fight the beast inside her

I think the issue is that we often feel we need to 'save' the other person, but picking up the mantle of being somebody's hero or saviour is just too much and will always create an unbalanced relationship.

It's toxic. I understand that the highs are amazing, you feel like you're on a pedestal and the best thing in the world. A lot of me missing my ex is to do with how she made me feel. I did love her. She played the vulnerable card well. But I was unhappy for most of the relationship. Even when she was in the clinger phase it was too much at times.

My ex told me I'd saved her from her previous relationship and she felt like she was drowning. She actually said I was her saviour and prince. But there is no way you can keep it up for long because any little thing you do to disrupt that image will cause them to push you away and you'll be walking on eggshells trying to please them, which really just enables them.

Words are words. My ex never did anything tangible to show that she cared.I don't even think I knew her at all, really, she did a good job of acting like she needed rescuing but as soon as I had my own needs she ran for the hills. She had no remorse for what she did to her ex because she'd have to admit she did something wrong. She had the good graces to at least be sorry for hurting me initially. At least your ex is aware she has BPD though and understands that it is affecting her actions.

She said all those things about marriage and babies to me, but in 9 months she had three different boyfriends.

I understand the value all her words have to you. Mine said the exact same things. She said that I was perfect and flawless. She said she was sure to grow old with me. And then she said "I am not healthy, there is something wrong with me, but do not leave me, because I wont leave you"
And she said she only gets angry at people she loves. She said she would push me away. She said all those things and more.

The thing is, not to be disrespectful, but it is the disorder speaking. They mean every word, and they feel every little thing they say. But they are not capable to keep feeling what they feel. Because after they portray you as their knight in shining armor, they put you to the test, until you fail. It is not a question whether you fail or not, but WHEN you fail. Because the truth is, you will. Period.

Because in their mind they will even go so far as to make things up to show you you failed. They do that. And then you start walking on eggshells which will make their behaviour and anger outbursts even worse.

The first few weeks of your relationship, the honeymoon phase, will not return, even if she recycles you. It usually doesnt with a disorder like borderline. And I feel like that is what you are after. Just be realistic and consider that there is a chance she will not reach out ever again. Everything she said are just words. My ex also is aware of her issues. But unless they get help, they wont be able to stay in a relationship.

And maybe you should use this time to ask yourself why you want to be with someone who has hurt you like this and who will keep on hurting you (because that is the nature of their disorder). And ask yourself why you want to save her. Wanting to save someone is not a healthy foundation of loving relationship. Because as CitizenBell said, it is unbalanced.

If you struggle with codependency then make sure you focus on that. And then IF she returns to you, you know how to handle this relationship better.

Being with a person who has BPD is not about putting up with all their mood swings and anger. It is not about telling them you love them when they get angry. That will actually make them run away, ironically. It is all about boundaries and making sure you take care of yourself. If you do that and learn to communicate well, then maybe you have a chance to make this work.
Focus on that instead of wondering if she will ever reach out to you.

Yet now she says she's scared of you, for no objective reason, and threatens an RO. Is it possible that her account of her past relationships might have been skewed to justify in her mind how she ended them? The notion that we are different from those who came before is very seductive. I know I bought into it heavily. It was hard to accept that, in their day and before his hopes for their r/ship crashes, my ex's exes in their turn were the best thing that ever happened to him, etc.

If her prior r/ships were all with terrible people, her letters don't make any sense, do they? Her letters say she pushes away good partners.

Wills if you think your ex is not sleeping around? Think again. Unfortunalty your story and how your ex tried to warn you not to give up on her when she turns into Mrs Hyde was the same for me. My ex and I were childhood loves. Broken up by my Mom and my ex became the person she is now. Split me black in 1988. Found me in 2013 on FB and tried to recycle me in a very suttle way.  So from 2013 Feb to June 2015 she tried and tried until I was an idiot and belived her Lies of I'm the only one for her. She loved me for over 26 years. She even texted me one night after a push/ pull episode of how she was missing my love but was afraid of it. I know you but I don't know you she wrote. I'm afraid to make a commitment because I'm reminded of what happened in the past. You turn your love on and off it's either black or white.  This was my ex projecting off of me. She also told me that she acts weird and that she did love me and not to give up on her. Well my ex was the love of my life until she discarded me and I was also told to stop contacting her or an order of protection will be issued.  So some come back some don't ... .but none of our exs will ever be normal unless they get the help they need desperately.

I really don't think she is sleeping around but who know. Interesting thing to tell you guys. I made communication with her ex fiancé. Everything for the most part she told me about him is a lie. He seems like a good guy and that she just did a hurricane of damage and blamed it all on him. She said he hit her, he was a junky and amongst other things. Wow! This is a major wake up call and I feel lucky right now. But the sick thing is I still have feelings... .

Willis

Your post makes me realize how powerful the effects of BPD can be on those of us susceptible to its influence.  From Perfect to Nothing says it so well. 

When I met my ex, we had very little between us except dreams to share.  We built upon that and despite the craziness that ensued, we made great strides together.  I still live in my marital home and daily see the life we made together and am at times humbled.  Not because I live in a palace, rather, what it is is just so far from where I/we started when we met years ago. 

it has been more than a year since she left and I still have the memory of her returning one day shortly after she moved out and narcissisticly looking around the house as if to say - I am damn good - as if it was all her doing and totally detached from me.  The "We" meant nothing and it was all about her.  A safe haven of emotions for someone who is scared of attaching and looking to find the detach button in every thing she can think of.

Like your ex, mine too became deeply frightened of me for no reason related to me or our marriage and when she left refused to give me a forwarding address or anything else.

Honestly, I doubt I will ever see her again perhaps except on her terms which I would suppose is in a large crowd setting with her playing out a social butterfly fantasy as if I was just another pawn on her board.  It is all so sickening.

You sure you would be prepared to see your ex again?  As others here have said, she is likely many degrees removed from the person you remember.  Being emotionally open after the fear damn has burst is highly unlikely if not impossible.  For my part, I would feel even more beaten down to see her play pretend friends with me and act as if 15 years was nothing more than a trickle in her sick well of emotions. 


Ya, the woman I know is still in there - but she damned sure ain't gonna show it to me, if she could, she would have never had the need to act like she did in the first place.

It's so sad. She broke up with me for no reason. I found out she has BPD and that it. I hurt my chances by saying if I hurt myself it would be her fault. That was a major error in judgment. After talking to my ex's ex fiancé he said she threaten to hurt herself when she was with him. Hmm... .Idk, I feel there's like a 60% chance she try to make contact. She doesn't have a lot of friends and isn't very sexually active unless its the honeymoon stage. I really didn't do anything wrong in the relationship besides saying that I would hurt myself. I haven't even given her a week away from me from making contact. I have to go NC now. At the very least I want to to detach and have a conversation with her. She left her fiancé' too and didn't reach out to him. So I'm not sure what's going to happen

yes my friend this is another trait they seem to do. I myself didn't know that from the very beginning my ex told me lie, after Lie, after Lie. Basically the whole time she was lying to me. I didn't catch on until after her discard of me. She told me her brother and his friend had molested her and her sister. Lies. She told me  that her ex boyfriend raped her in her apt Dec 2014. Lies. And the list goes on And on and on. And to add to the facade she unfriended both of them on Facebook up unti  my discard. After she tossed me in the trash she was back being friends with her brother and her ex who she has recycled after me. So I know it hurts. Trust me I know. But consider yourself lucky you got away . And if she were to come back ... .run! And run fast.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do. Still talking to her ex about stuff

Willis

You have to decide what it is that you want.  And only you  can make that decision.  I will tell you that I personally stuck it out and tried for months.  And we had times where we got back together and it was just like the beginning.   But just like a lot of people have pointed out, the good windows get shorter and shorter.  Do I want her back, yes.  Is that for the best, no.  You have to answer those questions for yourself.

I do want her back and know it will be hard. I'm trying to live my life and waiting/seeing if she contacts me. I'll be NC for a week starting Sunday. I haven't gone more than week with trying to make contact. It's time step away and see if she wakes up. Her ex is going to try and contact her about something. He cares about her too and want to tell her to stop pushing people away that love and care about her. I'm helping him try and get something back from her. She did him really dirty. I believe everything he's been telling me because he has nothing to really gain from talking to me besides getting something back that he doesn't know she will even consider giving back. I'm happy I contacted him and I'm well aware of potential danger I could be putting myself in, but she has one strike left with me. I want to give her another chance. I am though moving on with my life and if she does contact me I'm open to working things out. I can't just wait here for her.

Hey Willis,

I really empathize with you as you know, but something I think you should really think about is this line of yours... .


If you actually want to be with this woman long term, you'll certainly need more than one strike. I don't mean to be negative, but trust me... .if she's actually borderline, this will not be the last time something like this happens. Of course she is a unique individual and I cannot predict the future, but it's safe to say that something will happen that you take issue with or find unreasonable. And that is simply because her reasoning is going to be wildly different from yours unless she is partaking in years of therapy, actively trying to change. I tell you this not to be discouraging, but from the position of someone who has been hopeful with a BPD partner for 7 years. I just want to make sure you understand that you'll need to provide more than one more strike if you're honestly interested in pursuing this long term. At any rate, I'm pulling for you and I wish you luck.

Thank you! What you say does make sense. Ive been taking to her ex fiancé and there similarities but differences. She left him to but never came back. But she did him really bad besides the sudden departure. She has only done th quick discard to me. He said she gav him letter and he thinks she cares or cared about me. I want to try and make it work. I'm waiting for her to reach out to me but while living my life. I kno she hasn't tried yet because I haven't gone NC more than a week. I'm dedicated to not contacting her. I hope she misses me at some point and can remember nshe for who I really am and noI this made up person she perceives me as at this current time.

I have learned that whomever gives them the time of day and shows them attention,etc are the ones they hook up with next. I believe her ex still cares about her the same as you. And might even forgive her for doing him dirty.  So I would be prepared just in case for her to ride off into the sunset with him. Now I'm not saying it's gonna happen but when your dealing with a BPD person expect anything. And if her ex still cares about her he isn't gonna care about you or your feelings. I would keep my eyes wide open if I were you.

Willis, are you familiar with the term object constancy? People with BPD lack object constancy. Going no contact with a pwBPD will probably do one thing for her: out of sight, out of mind.
Because they lack object constancy she might not miss you at all. I remember when my ex and I were together, she was madly in love with me. When we were apart she would often panic or cry because she couldnt see me and she needed to know I was still there. She panicked because she literally couldnt see me and had to be reassured that I was still there. It's the same with little children watching their mother leave the room. They cry because they don't know that their mother is coming back. Object constancy.

When they paint you black and they dont see you nor hear from you, there is no such thing as "absence makes the heart grow fonder". She will give her attention to the very next person available because she has this empty hole that needs to be filled.

My ex recycled every single one of her exes. All but me. Know why? I went no contact right after the breakup. All her exes kept talking to her every so often.

Now this is not to say she is not going to miss you. There might be something that triggers her memory of you, a picture, a certain smell, a song... .And she might reach out, but generally if she is BPD, then it is out of sight, out of mind.

Please be careful, and yes, do keep your eyes open. Focus on you. And if you want, get to learn some very important communication skills in case she does come back. But I agree with JJacks0 one strike is not enough. You will have to be willing to take a zillion strikes.

I can back this up. My ex needed constant contact and she would cry when we were apart, saying she couldn't cope, how hard it was being apart, asking me to promise I wasn't going to leave her.

Then when we broke up it was like nothing had happened. Someone told me that she'd said "It's not a thing anymore" like she devalued all of it. "A thing." That killed me when I heard that.

The way it is at the beginning feels real but it's based on an ideal. There's no getting it back. Even if she comes back it won't be the same and you can't 'fix' her. I know I thought 'if I could just show her how much I love her', but it doesn't work that way. Nothing was ever enough.

Yes ! I totally agree with this . Before my ex came on to me June 2015 she had asked me to stay with her for 2 weeks in Canada. I said no  because I just couldn't leave my job etc. . Well she jumped on the next warm body she could find by finding this young kid from Florida online. She had him up to her house for 10 days the end of Dec 2014. When she ended it with him she had told me she felt an attraction but it had lived only in her mind? Now you tell me what the heck does that mean? From what she was saying was that this poor kid feel for her  and she just used him. They are still friends and she used him and her ex whom I believe she recycled after me with Triangulation. If I knew what I know now about this disorder I would have ran for the hills.

I'm not really concerned about her ex to be honest. He has a girlfriend, wants his cat back (helping him with) and trying to help her. I haven't been out of sight out of mind yet. I have tried contacting her 4-5 times but she has threatened me every time. Funny thing is I think she has something that will have her be reminded of me. I bought her thing from Coach that goes on goes with her keys. Like a wallet thing. She never gave me that back and she still has it. Her ex wants her to get help as bad as I do. She did him really bad. 10x worse than me. He even agreed that she's not the type to just go sleep around or find the next able body. She is only really sexually active during the honeymoon period where it didn't last long. He wants her to at least communicate with me. I also think that she has painted him so black as well that it could go into my favor. If she still has hate for him maybe she will put her focus on him and it will lessen how much hate she has for me. It's really said that she pushes people away. Her exact and I agree she needs to stop pushing people away that want to help her. If we start communicating again I'm going to suggest she gets help. That really the only way I can come back.

I wouldn't suggest that she gets help. I think that would make her angry. She has to decide she needs help on her own.

I tried to contact my ex after we broke up and she accused me of harassment. If she's threatening you, why keep the person in your life?

I know the answer: because that honeymoon period is so wonderful and so intense that you fall for them quickly and you're head over heels in love. But contacting her won't help right now. If you do want to be in touch with her then I'd leave it for a while and then try to reconnect, very cautiously.

Okay so don't suggest help? How long should I wait to try and make contact with her? I literally have no way of contacting her unless I get sneaky or use my landline. I've tried contacting her too much and now I'm stopping. She is worth it because this is the first time something like this has happened. I haven't had anything really bad happen in the relationship and she doesn't do a lot of the things I've read about. She right now is a cruel person who says she's scared of me. I told her ex this and he said she's not scared. She's just embarrassed.

Willis


Im am telling you from personal experience to stop.  Chasing her will only make it worse.  I have driven my ex away more times than I can count because I couldn't just stop. 

So just wait and move on with my life? I'm curious how long it would take if she were to contact me.

I cant tell you how long to wait.  Just saying dont push to hard.  And if you want to be with here then go for it, just remember not to trigger the engulfment feeling

Listen I know your hurting. My ex was the love of my life. She was Normal when we dated at 14 yo. My mom found out and she broke us up and threatened my ex and also told her I was dating someone else and that was a total lie. After this my ex painted me black and had a break down so bad her parents sent her to a mental hospital for 2 months and she became what she is now. A total manipulating monster. She kept me painted black for 26 years until she found me on Facebook in Feb 2013. She dropped hints about us here and there and I kept her at bay. Ten I was stupid and belived her crap lies about still loving me all those years and how she never felt right with anyone else. All bull ___ lies! She lied to me for the very beginning . She discarded me last Sept and told me she Never loved me and didn't know why she ever said it to me in the 1st place. I like you tried to help her so much . I was the one who figured out her behavior was BPD and not Bipolar that they diagnosed her with back in 1988. The hell this woman put me thru is just like u! Just like everyone else here. I tried taking to her sent her a BPD coping book sent her articles etc. She clearly hates me and I'm so painted black I don't ever expect to hear from her again. She also threatened me with a restraining  order and trust me she would do it. So my advice is YOU CANT SAVE HER!  She has to want help herself. Leave her alone and get on with your life. I know u love her . I know it sucks. We all do. But you have to protect yourself. And trust me I didnt think my ex was sleeping around either Lie yours and guess what she is. So everything you think you know about this girl... .think again. Bc your not dealing with her anymore. That persons gone . Your dealing with someone else. Let her go and protect yourself.

I love this woman. I'm going NC since me trying to reach out has failed miserably. I have made my decision and I'm going to live my life as the best I can and hope she will reach out at some point in my life. She never reached out to her ex fiancé. She did him really dirty in contrast to me. Really the similar thing is she left in a similar manner. Is this a sign that she won't try contacting me at some point. I thought she cared about me, but idk with her actions if she even cares about anybody but herself right now. The fact that she can look back and knows she's lost people in her life shows me she has the ability to reflect on her actions at a later time. I'm sure me reaching out has made things worse for myself. Pushed her farther way. She definitely probably feels engulfed at this point. I'm curious though what will happen once she gets lonely. I've read that she probably is sleeping around and stuff. It's possible but I don't think so. The dating site we met on, she isn't even active on it after 4 weeks. She doesn't have a lot of friends and she meets people online. I'm going to fade back and help her ex get his cat back. After that I'm going to take care of myself for awhile and if she hasn't reached out when I'm ready to date I will move on completely.

An online dating site is a playground for BPD ppl. Mine does the same thing. To lure unsuspecting people into their sick world. If you really think your ex isn't on any sites think again. Just because she isn't on the one she lured you on doesn't mean she isn't on another. I would get some books on BPD and read them. You are the furthest thing from her mind trust me. It's what they do. Mi e did the same  to me. After her discard of me  From telling me how much she loved me then the next night she threw me out with the trash.  She was all over FB being all happy like nothing happened. Yours is doing the same like the rest of our exs. Read  all you can get your hand on and maybe go see a therapist who specializes in BPD. It will open your eyes wide.  I know your in love with her ... .but we have to understand it was an illusion.

I don't think you've read enough about BPD or others peoples stories on here. Maybe you should read the boards a little more to gain more insight to your own situation? Also I think its a huge mistake to try to help her ex get his cat back

I truly feel for you, and we all know what you are going through. But please accept the fact that BPD is a very, very, very serious disorder. You really need to stop obsessing over her and stop wondering what she is thinking or if she is going to contact you or not. The odds are against you, because she has BPD. If you think she is not sleeping around, she has BPD. If you want to make this work between you two, think again, she has BPD. It's not a mild thing. She can crush your heart to pieces, and she will. She already has. Not because she is evil, but because she has BPD. I know you love her and you miss her, but I am truly wondering what you are doing to work on your codependency. Just be glad that you have been together for only three months. It is not too late to run as fast as you can and maybe later find a woman that doesnt rip your heart out a thousand times. I feel like you are young. And do not take this the wrong way, but cry about the breakup, make sure your heart is healed and go find yourself a woman who is able to love you and receive your love. Just let this one go. Again, I know you love her, but since its only been three months, dont let these three months take control over the rest of your life.

You say that you dont know if she only cares about herself right now and if she is lonely or not. Here are two facts:
If she's BPD, she probably hates herself, all the time.
If she's BPD, she probably feels lonely, all the time.

Willis, one of the most difficult things to wrap our minds around is that pwBPD can have (moments of) self-awareness and self-reflection just like the rest of us ... .but this often causes them great pain and, instead of acting as we would expect from a person who has gained insight and wants to fix a problem, they run from the insight (often through projection, devaluation, pushing away) and simply repeat/deepen the same patterns and the same problems. I think it very likely that she cared intensely about you. I say intensely, rather than deeply, because pwBPD experience powerful but unstable emotions. For whatever combination of reasons, she pushed you away as she has pushed others away. That may have been your first real glimpse of the inner torment she experiences, but given her past as you've described it, she was probably living that inner torment throughout your relationship. Now it has burst to the surface and made the relationship that much more painful and toxic and shame-ridden. Yes, she might come back, but the relationship is an emotional mine-field now, for both of you. As others have mentioned, you will need to count on more than one strike if you're committed to working through all that with her. And even if you commit to that, set down appropriate boundaries, and patiently but firmly hold to them, there's no guarantee she will be able to commit in return. So you might have to steel yourself for another disappearance and another round of wondering whether she will ever come back.

Like others, I say this not to discourage you, but to reflect the shared wisdom around here that these relationships set many emotional traps for us -- often in the form of apparent emotional breakthroughs. As your own experience shows, when a pwBPD indicates an apparent breakthrough and a sense of true commitment and openness ... .is precisely when they are most likely to do a 180 and run from their own decision/feelings. It's heart-wrenching. There are relationships that are made functional through sufficient commitment (from both sides), but be prepared to take care of yourself as needed.


Are you sure that you're doing this because you really want to help the ex get his cat back? I mean, is that your primary motivation? Or is it also an excuse to keep reaching out to your ex? Because I think it very likely she will see it that way -- as a pretext for you to keep chasing her. That could trigger a lot of anger, fear, shame, resentment in her, and a lot of pain for you. However it plays out, we all wish you luck, and remember that this website is a great resource for sharing and learning, whether you're in the relationship or recovering from it. :)

Willis, if there's one thing we all know around here, it's that every one of us has to learn from our own experience and make our own decisions. We can't tell you what's right for you.

That said, I would like to reiterate the view expressed by TheRose. It's three months of your life. The feelings are intense and wild and make you feel you've found something you can't let go of. As an outsider looking in at your story, I can only recommend you give yourself some time to yourself, to try to understand how you can come to crave someone so deeply after only three months, and after all heartache and warning signs she's given you. I think it's very likely that you'll soon come to see that you dodged a bullet by only having been pulled in for so long. That in itself might be scary -- I know when I started to gain some perspective on my relationship with my ex, there was a powerful drive in me that didn't want to fall out of love, that tried to fight against gaining perspective and "coming to my senses". Still, in the long run, it's for the best.

Rfriesen:

I know what I'm up against. I have been reading the boards and the lesson. Yeah I could be dodging a bullet, but with everything I know I still want her back. I'm helping her ex with cat based on what I believe is right. Really has nothing to do with trying to get her back. I contacted him to get a better understanding of her and to see what really happened. In exchange for him give me information to clarify whats going on I gave him information to try and get his cat back. Thats it. I won't have anymore involvement.

TheRose:

I know what your saying but you can't just but everyone with BPD in a box. Yes some do sleep around and immediately start looking for the next person, but not one person is the same. Like I've said I've spoken to her ex. We have came to a conclusion that differs from what mostly everyone has been saying. She isn't very sexually active and pretty sure she's not a cheat.

SoMadeSoSad:

I have been doing my research. 3 weeks of research so far. I want her back and I'm becoming more knowledgeable. I understand splitting, gaslight, push/pull, and amongst other things. I'm a very positive person and I won't give up on her. Why can't she get love. I might be the first person in her life that actually doesn't want to give up on her. I know I can't do this forever. Meaning I can't wait forever, but I'm giving this a few months while I'm healing and making myself stronger. If nothing happens after that I will move on. I am being realistic about this situation.

Confused108: Not everyone is the same. I understand where you are coming from. It's always possible but why be so negative. I choose to be positive and think of the woman I do know and from what information I have about her. Anything could be happening right now. I want to be a success story. I'm not kidding myself. I know the odds are staked against her and I. I choose to live my life with no regrets. She did me dirty with how she broke up with be but besides that she has never hurt me. Yes, I'm opening myself up to get hurt in the future and I've chosen this possible path with very careful thinking.

Time to post on the other boards then. Good luck!

Are you planning on contacting her about her about her exs cat? What makes you think she will answer you and wont file a RO

Alright, wish you all the best. Hopefully this will have a happy ending for both of you.

Ps. I know pwBPD are all individuals. But honestly, I have never ever, ever heard of a pwBPD who doesn't attach themselves to another person. It's so super core to having this illness that it's hard for me to imagine that there are pwBPD's who practice abstinence or don't attach themselves to another human being. I never meant to say all these things to make you feel bad or anything. It just felt like you put her on this pedestal, as if you were saying "all those BPD's might be sleeping around, but mine is totally different, she sure isn't sleeping around."
Good luck Willis, I do hope for the best!

Good luck Willis, will pop over onto the other boards every now and then to see how you are getting on. Don't forget, you may need to post there for help and support, all of this is hard and you don't need to be alone with it.   x

Yea it's not being called negative it's called facing the facts that I myself like you were in total denial about. So if she doesn't file a RO on you first or you don't find out that you have been replaced already be prepared to be knocked on your a$$ again that's if you can get her to get help and stick with it. You only delt with this for 2 months  we  on this board have delt with this for years. So I guess that's makes us a little more experienced then you. But I do wish you luck. I like you tried and tried and tried to get my ex help. And I knew her as a 12yo way before she became BPD. And she loved me as a normal girl too before this BPD. So I wish you luck. Your gonna need it.

Willis,

I wished I would have gotten the advice you have received here on this post when I was with mine just 2 months.  I might not have spent 6 years trying to fix the relationship.  I would have taken the time to get to know me and focus on my own issues, instead of trying to help her get better.  I stuck my hand in the fire quite a few times.  No one here can tell you what to do.  But we do have the experience that you are going to learn if you choose to stay in this relationship.  I hope the best for you.

I must admit... .
I will find it interesting to see when my ex realizes what she has done...
... and that the new bf is after all only human too.

This is what i will actually find interestig when put to the test.
Cos my ex has her bf now but still if she thinks i just encounter a woman
She goes crazy!
I mean what the heck...

Yeah Im going to the other board again. I have some help now. Ill post over there with the details.

I also wish I'd gotten the advice from here before I got accused of harassment at work.

You are going t get in touch with her regardless but we can all see how it's going to go because we've all been there.

I know you're in the mindset of she's vulnerable, nobody has ever taken care of her, nobody has ever treat her right, you can be the first person to stick by her and try to help her. But you've already said that her ex didn't do anything wrong. It's common with people with BPD. You are "the only one that's made me feel this way", you are "the only one I've loved."

I used to think my ex would find it hard to find a relationship because "Men are never interested in me", "I only dated my first boyfriend because it was someone that was interested in me." That might have been true when she was in high school and uni but she's had 3 boyfriends in 9 months and told at least me that she wanted to marry me. Mine didn't sleep around or cheat because it was mitigated by a religious upbringing but she's still been with three boyfriends in a short space of time which I think is worse because there's emotions involved.

She will find another attachment and she'll believe that the new one is the one to save her, the one to make her happy. It's just part of the cycle.

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