From Perfect to Nothing

[CitizenBell]

I wouldn't suggest that she gets help. I think that would make her angry. She has to decide she needs help on her own.

I tried to contact my ex after we broke up and she accused me of harassment. If she's threatening you, why keep the person in your life?

I know the answer: because that honeymoon period is so wonderful and so intense that you fall for them quickly and you're head over heels in love. But contacting her won't help right now. If you do want to be in touch with her then I'd leave it for a while and then try to reconnect, very cautiously.

[Willis002]

Okay so don't suggest help? How long should I wait to try and make contact with her? I literally have no way of contacting her unless I get sneaky or use my landline. I've tried contacting her too much and now I'm stopping. She is worth it because this is the first time something like this has happened. I haven't had anything really bad happen in the relationship and she doesn't do a lot of the things I've read about. She right now is a cruel person who says she's scared of me. I told her ex this and he said she's not scared. She's just embarrassed.

[Oncebitten]

Willis


Im am telling you from personal experience to stop.  Chasing her will only make it worse.  I have driven my ex away more times than I can count because I couldn't just stop. 

[Willis002]

So just wait and move on with my life? I'm curious how long it would take if she were to contact me.

[Oncebitten]

I cant tell you how long to wait.  Just saying dont push to hard.  And if you want to be with here then go for it, just remember not to trigger the engulfment feeling

[Confused108]

So just wait and move on with my life? I'm curious how long it would take if she were to contact me.

Listen I know your hurting. My ex was the love of my life. She was Normal when we dated at 14 yo. My mom found out and she broke us up and threatened my ex and also told her I was dating someone else and that was a total lie. After this my ex painted me black and had a break down so bad her parents sent her to a mental hospital for 2 months and she became what she is now. A total manipulating monster. She kept me painted black for 26 years until she found me on Facebook in Feb 2013. She dropped hints about us here and there and I kept her at bay. Ten I was stupid and belived her crap lies about still loving me all those years and how she never felt right with anyone else. All bull ___ lies! She lied to me for the very beginning . She discarded me last Sept and told me she Never loved me and didn't know why she ever said it to me in the 1st place. I like you tried to help her so much . I was the one who figured out her behavior was BPD and not Bipolar that they diagnosed her with back in 1988. The hell this woman put me thru is just like u! Just like everyone else here. I tried taking to her sent her a BPD coping book sent her articles etc. She clearly hates me and I'm so painted black I don't ever expect to hear from her again. She also threatened me with a restraining  order and trust me she would do it. So my advice is YOU CANT SAVE HER!  She has to want help herself. Leave her alone and get on with your life. I know u love her . I know it sucks. We all do. But you have to protect yourself. And trust me I didnt think my ex was sleeping around either Lie yours and guess what she is. So everything you think you know about this girl... .think again. Bc your not dealing with her anymore. That persons gone . Your dealing with someone else. Let her go and protect yourself.

[Willis002]

I love this woman. I'm going NC since me trying to reach out has failed miserably. I have made my decision and I'm going to live my life as the best I can and hope she will reach out at some point in my life. She never reached out to her ex fiancé. She did him really dirty in contrast to me. Really the similar thing is she left in a similar manner. Is this a sign that she won't try contacting me at some point. I thought she cared about me, but idk with her actions if she even cares about anybody but herself right now. The fact that she can look back and knows she's lost people in her life shows me she has the ability to reflect on her actions at a later time. I'm sure me reaching out has made things worse for myself. Pushed her farther way. She definitely probably feels engulfed at this point. I'm curious though what will happen once she gets lonely. I've read that she probably is sleeping around and stuff. It's possible but I don't think so. The dating site we met on, she isn't even active on it after 4 weeks. She doesn't have a lot of friends and she meets people online. I'm going to fade back and help her ex get his cat back. After that I'm going to take care of myself for awhile and if she hasn't reached out when I'm ready to date I will move on completely.

[Confused108]

An online dating site is a playground for BPD ppl. Mine does the same thing. To lure unsuspecting people into their sick world. If you really think your ex isn't on any sites think again. Just because she isn't on the one she lured you on doesn't mean she isn't on another. I would get some books on BPD and read them. You are the furthest thing from her mind trust me. It's what they do. Mi e did the same  to me. After her discard of me  From telling me how much she loved me then the next night she threw me out with the trash.  She was all over FB being all happy like nothing happened. Yours is doing the same like the rest of our exs. Read  all you can get your hand on and maybe go see a therapist who specializes in BPD. It will open your eyes wide.  I know your in love with her ... .but we have to understand it was an illusion.

[SoMadSoSad]

I love this woman. I'm going NC since me trying to reach out has failed miserably. I have made my decision and I'm going to live my life as the best I can and hope she will reach out at some point in my life. She never reached out to her ex fiancé. She did him really dirty in contrast to me. Really the similar thing is she left in a similar manner. Is this a sign that she won't try contacting me at some point. I thought she cared about me, but idk with her actions if she even cares about anybody but herself right now. The fact that she can look back and knows she's lost people in her life shows me she has the ability to reflect on her actions at a later time. I'm sure me reaching out has made things worse for myself. Pushed her farther way. She definitely probably feels engulfed at this point. I'm curious though what will happen once she gets lonely. I've read that she probably is sleeping around and stuff. It's possible but I don't think so. The dating site we met on, she isn't even active on it after 4 weeks. She doesn't have a lot of friends and she meets people online. I'm going to fade back and help her ex get his cat back. After that I'm going to take care of myself for awhile and if she hasn't reached out when I'm ready to date I will move on completely.

I don't think you've read enough about BPD or others peoples stories on here. Maybe you should read the boards a little more to gain more insight to your own situation? Also I think its a huge mistake to try to help her ex get his cat back

[TheRose]

I truly feel for you, and we all know what you are going through. But please accept the fact that BPD is a very, very, very serious disorder. You really need to stop obsessing over her and stop wondering what she is thinking or if she is going to contact you or not. The odds are against you, because she has BPD. If you think she is not sleeping around, she has BPD. If you want to make this work between you two, think again, she has BPD. It's not a mild thing. She can crush your heart to pieces, and she will. She already has. Not because she is evil, but because she has BPD. I know you love her and you miss her, but I am truly wondering what you are doing to work on your codependency. Just be glad that you have been together for only three months. It is not too late to run as fast as you can and maybe later find a woman that doesnt rip your heart out a thousand times. I feel like you are young. And do not take this the wrong way, but cry about the breakup, make sure your heart is healed and go find yourself a woman who is able to love you and receive your love. Just let this one go. Again, I know you love her, but since its only been three months, dont let these three months take control over the rest of your life.

You say that you dont know if she only cares about herself right now and if she is lonely or not. Here are two facts:
If she's BPD, she probably hates herself, all the time.
If she's BPD, she probably feels lonely, all the time.

[rfriesen]

I thought she cared about me, but idk with her actions if she even cares about anybody but herself right now. The fact that she can look back and knows she's lost people in her life shows me she has the ability to reflect on her actions at a later time.

Willis, one of the most difficult things to wrap our minds around is that pwBPD can have (moments of) self-awareness and self-reflection just like the rest of us ... .but this often causes them great pain and, instead of acting as we would expect from a person who has gained insight and wants to fix a problem, they run from the insight (often through projection, devaluation, pushing away) and simply repeat/deepen the same patterns and the same problems. I think it very likely that she cared intensely about you. I say intensely, rather than deeply, because pwBPD experience powerful but unstable emotions. For whatever combination of reasons, she pushed you away as she has pushed others away. That may have been your first real glimpse of the inner torment she experiences, but given her past as you've described it, she was probably living that inner torment throughout your relationship. Now it has burst to the surface and made the relationship that much more painful and toxic and shame-ridden. Yes, she might come back, but the relationship is an emotional mine-field now, for both of you. As others have mentioned, you will need to count on more than one strike if you're committed to working through all that with her. And even if you commit to that, set down appropriate boundaries, and patiently but firmly hold to them, there's no guarantee she will be able to commit in return. So you might have to steel yourself for another disappearance and another round of wondering whether she will ever come back.

Like others, I say this not to discourage you, but to reflect the shared wisdom around here that these relationships set many emotional traps for us -- often in the form of apparent emotional breakthroughs. As your own experience shows, when a pwBPD indicates an apparent breakthrough and a sense of true commitment and openness ... .is precisely when they are most likely to do a 180 and run from their own decision/feelings. It's heart-wrenching. There are relationships that are made functional through sufficient commitment (from both sides), but be prepared to take care of yourself as needed.

I'm going to fade back and help her ex get his cat back. After that I'm going to take care of myself for awhile and if she hasn't reached out when I'm ready to date I will move on completely.

Are you sure that you're doing this because you really want to help the ex get his cat back? I mean, is that your primary motivation? Or is it also an excuse to keep reaching out to your ex? Because I think it very likely she will see it that way -- as a pretext for you to keep chasing her. That could trigger a lot of anger, fear, shame, resentment in her, and a lot of pain for you. However it plays out, we all wish you luck, and remember that this website is a great resource for sharing and learning, whether you're in the relationship or recovering from it.

[rfriesen]

Again, I know you love her, but since its only been three months, dont let these three months take control over the rest of your life.

Willis, if there's one thing we all know around here, it's that every one of us has to learn from our own experience and make our own decisions. We can't tell you what's right for you.

That said, I would like to reiterate the view expressed by TheRose. It's three months of your life. The feelings are intense and wild and make you feel you've found something you can't let go of. As an outsider looking in at your story, I can only recommend you give yourself some time to yourself, to try to understand how you can come to crave someone so deeply after only three months, and after all heartache and warning signs she's given you. I think it's very likely that you'll soon come to see that you dodged a bullet by only having been pulled in for so long. That in itself might be scary -- I know when I started to gain some perspective on my relationship with my ex, there was a powerful drive in me that didn't want to fall out of love, that tried to fight against gaining perspective and "coming to my senses". Still, in the long run, it's for the best.

[Willis002]

Rfriesen:

I know what I'm up against. I have been reading the boards and the lesson. Yeah I could be dodging a bullet, but with everything I know I still want her back. I'm helping her ex with cat based on what I believe is right. Really has nothing to do with trying to get her back. I contacted him to get a better understanding of her and to see what really happened. In exchange for him give me information to clarify whats going on I gave him information to try and get his cat back. Thats it. I won't have anymore involvement.

TheRose:

I know what your saying but you can't just but everyone with BPD in a box. Yes some do sleep around and immediately start looking for the next person, but not one person is the same. Like I've said I've spoken to her ex. We have came to a conclusion that differs from what mostly everyone has been saying. She isn't very sexually active and pretty sure she's not a cheat.

SoMadeSoSad:

I have been doing my research. 3 weeks of research so far. I want her back and I'm becoming more knowledgeable. I understand splitting, gaslight, push/pull, and amongst other things. I'm a very positive person and I won't give up on her. Why can't she get love. I might be the first person in her life that actually doesn't want to give up on her. I know I can't do this forever. Meaning I can't wait forever, but I'm giving this a few months while I'm healing and making myself stronger. If nothing happens after that I will move on. I am being realistic about this situation.

Confused108: Not everyone is the same. I understand where you are coming from. It's always possible but why be so negative. I choose to be positive and think of the woman I do know and from what information I have about her. Anything could be happening right now. I want to be a success story. I'm not kidding myself. I know the odds are staked against her and I. I choose to live my life with no regrets. She did me dirty with how she broke up with be but besides that she has never hurt me. Yes, I'm opening myself up to get hurt in the future and I've chosen this possible path with very careful thinking.

[patientandclear]

Time to post on the other boards then. Good luck!

[SoMadSoSad]

Are you planning on contacting her about her about her exs cat? What makes you think she will answer you and wont file a RO

[TheRose]

Alright, wish you all the best. Hopefully this will have a happy ending for both of you.

Ps. I know pwBPD are all individuals. But honestly, I have never ever, ever heard of a pwBPD who doesn't attach themselves to another person. It's so super core to having this illness that it's hard for me to imagine that there are pwBPD's who practice abstinence or don't attach themselves to another human being. I never meant to say all these things to make you feel bad or anything. It just felt like you put her on this pedestal, as if you were saying "all those BPD's might be sleeping around, but mine is totally different, she sure isn't sleeping around."
Good luck Willis, I do hope for the best!

[Sadly]

Good luck Willis, will pop over onto the other boards every now and then to see how you are getting on. Don't forget, you may need to post there for help and support, all of this is hard and you don't need to be alone with it.   x

[Confused108]

Yea it's not being called negative it's called facing the facts that I myself like you were in total denial about. So if she doesn't file a RO on you first or you don't find out that you have been replaced already be prepared to be knocked on your a$$ again that's if you can get her to get help and stick with it. You only delt with this for 2 months  we  on this board have delt with this for years. So I guess that's makes us a little more experienced then you. But I do wish you luck. I like you tried and tried and tried to get my ex help. And I knew her as a 12yo way before she became BPD. And she loved me as a normal girl too before this BPD. So I wish you luck. Your gonna need it.

[WhoMe51]

Willis,

I wished I would have gotten the advice you have received here on this post when I was with mine just 2 months.  I might not have spent 6 years trying to fix the relationship.  I would have taken the time to get to know me and focus on my own issues, instead of trying to help her get better.  I stuck my hand in the fire quite a few times.  No one here can tell you what to do.  But we do have the experience that you are going to learn if you choose to stay in this relationship.  I hope the best for you.

[Bushido]

This is why when she realizes what she has done I think she will make contact. The woman I know is still in there. Might take sometime but I'm preparing myself. I want to protect myself. I'm not going to lie. If she makes contact I will probably answer.

I must admit... .
I will find it interesting to see when my ex realizes what she has done...
... and that the new bf is after all only human too.

[Bushido]

The person they show to be when you first meet is probably in there, somewhere, but dont forget they have no self. More times than not they mirror you.

This is what i will actually find interestig when put to the test.
Cos my ex has her bf now but still if she thinks i just encounter a woman
She goes crazy!
I mean what the heck...

[Willis002]

Yeah Im going to the other board again. I have some help now. Ill post over there with the details.

[CitizenBell]

I also wish I'd gotten the advice from here before I got accused of harassment at work.

You are going t get in touch with her regardless but we can all see how it's going to go because we've all been there.

I know you're in the mindset of she's vulnerable, nobody has ever taken care of her, nobody has ever treat her right, you can be the first person to stick by her and try to help her. But you've already said that her ex didn't do anything wrong. It's common with people with BPD. You are "the only one that's made me feel this way", you are "the only one I've loved."

I used to think my ex would find it hard to find a relationship because "Men are never interested in me", "I only dated my first boyfriend because it was someone that was interested in me." That might have been true when she was in high school and uni but she's had 3 boyfriends in 9 months and told at least me that she wanted to marry me. Mine didn't sleep around or cheat because it was mitigated by a religious upbringing but she's still been with three boyfriends in a short space of time which I think is worse because there's emotions involved.

She will find another attachment and she'll believe that the new one is the one to save her, the one to make her happy. It's just part of the cycle.

[C.Stein]

This thread has reached the post limit.  Thanks to all who participated and feel free to continue discussion in a new thread.