BPDFamily.com

Found out my exgf got engaged again last weekend, funny thing is, she unfriendly her bf the week before, guess they can't make up thier minds.

Her pastor told me about it.

Same old story, they never change and I'm grateful to be out of that mess. Everyone is laughing at the poor fools, they used to ask why I was even trying with my exgf.

Complete waste of time.

Do they change? Not this one

It's so crazy how fast they move onto the next one and get engaged just like that.

Yer tell me about it my ex BPD gf got engaged to the current replacement within 18 days ! That's a new record I think for her ! Lol

Isn't this a recycle?

It is very immature and reminds me of when I was in the relationship with her. Emotion Roller Coaster ride.

She's still nc with our son, bizarre

Her sister in law told me to stop trying to figure my ex out, she's tried for 8 years and finally gave up.

Another thing is I'm learning more about the narcissis side of my exgf, she fits almost all that too. And of coarse my mother was narcissistic as well. The silent treatment and mind control and blame, guilt and shame. Triangulation with my siblings and never admitting error.

I've said a few times now jerry that I'm sure we dated the same women !

Title says "who cares" but tell us how you really feel.

I do care because I'm not completely detached and I still allow my ex to bait me. She expects an emotional response and I normally give her one.

I'm learning about CPTSD and it is really helping me understand the whole dynamics of the relationship and not just her contributions to the dysfunction dance, but mine as well. Thankfully I can learn and change, not sure my exgf can or even wants too.

I'm doing better, this is a life change, not going to happen overnight.

I do care because I'm not completely detached and I still allow my ex to bait me. She expects an emotional response and I normally give her one.

My ex has tried Baiting me into a reaction 4/5 times we split I know how difficult it can not to react in anyway . She tried accusing me of even harrasing her to the police twice . She stopped me from seeing my son one weekend by just not turning up with him but I havnt and didn't react in any way and she's given up now .

Is there any reason (irrational) they do this? It's either attention or manipulation or what?

Deliberately trying to upset someone for no logical reason seems pointless unless they feel awful about themselves and just want us to be miserable too?

I don't understand and I should be happy I don't?

They have pain inside that the need to let out and find a cause for.

i can imagine this must be painful, confusing, a shock to the system. how are you feeling about it today? 

The one thing I still do that keeps me stuck is trying to make sense of my exgfs behavior.

I twisted myself inside out trying to adjust to her way of thinking throughout the relationship to appease her.

I seen her drive by yesterday and she was acting like a child, while I'm so tired I can barely move. That set off some anger inside me. I realize after venting about the anger to her family, mother, aunt, and couple of my friends, my exgf is missing out on our son growing up.

Eventually her relationship will crash and she will be left with nothing. She just keeps burning bridges. Her mother said her whole family is upset but dwelling on her daughter just takes away from enjoying her day, she said my son will be better off if we just forget mother, let her go.

I truly believe these relationships change the wiring in our brains, I will never be the same, but I can be even better than ever if I choose to be.

Of course it affects you, just like all of our BPD partners affect us.
Try to react to her and let it go here, rather than show her that she's managed to get a reaction from you and have her 'win'.
Be there and be strong for your kid, and realize she's going to continue to engage in dysfunctional crazy crap and it's got nothing to do with you.

Radical acceptance.

She's one mean miserable little girl, and wants to get me upset so I feel like her.

She was unhappy before I met her, while we together and still the same pain in the behind she always was.

Not my problem anymore

For complete selfish reasons. Yes they crave attention whether you react postitively or negatively. They like having an effect on others. They have to be the centre of your world and feel as though you are still attached to them so check up on you if they feel they need to. Bothering you is mostly about making themselves feel better and or feeling that they are doing better than you.

So crazy, telling me I have to speak to her bf if I want to know about our son, then blurting out she was going to marry him. It's so childish and rediculous that I don't know how to respond. I end up looking and feeling stupid because I'm no longer living in her world.

Just left with this foggy awful confusion and dilemma.

You used the magic word... childish.
pwBPD never developed emotional maturity, so they behave like children in their intimate r/s.
That's the reason you have to establish and enforce boundaries with them, just like you're dealing with a child who needs the same.

That makes sense, my son will get a little out of control as he did last night in the tub, he decided to rub bubbles on my face as I sat near watching him. Then scratched me in all the excitement. He just can't contain his emotions and sometimes behaves unacceptably. After time out he seems to have calmed down as if the act of having to sit still allows him to "reboot" his system.

Something popped into my head, "the only way to safely love a pwBPD is from a great distance"

It's not the way you love them that's the problem, it's the immature way their emotions work and how they feel love that's the problem.

They feel love the same way that a child falls in love with a new object that's going to make everything in their lives perfect, and they'll never need another new 'toy' again. Until the feeling wears off, and they need to look for the next toy (idealization) that's going to make everything ok for them.

In the beginning, the new object will be the thing that's responsible for bringing them happiness and makes all the bad things go away, but in the end it didn't work (just like all the previous toys/objects that have come before) and is just a representation of all their unhappiness and issues that have been projected onto that object.

It's a never ending cycle.

Wow, so this is why she is able to abandon our son, he was just a fun toy for a while. Amazing.

She's just hard wired to be bored with her toys, objects

Makes it much easier to deal with the old and find the new.

They are seeking to find something that doesn't exist. Childhood fantasy of being the prince or princess in a fairy tale and once the excitement is gone, they look for another adventure in fantasy.

I remember her sister in law telling me my exgf was a dreamer, she made big plans but rarely ever acted on them.

Yes, everything points to immaturity. They have enough information and ability to do a lot of damage yet lack the mature coping skills to prevent it.

Every situation is unique, but I think my w started creating distance from our children due to dissociation and avoidance.
Getting too close and becoming too emotionally involved/attached on any kind of mature level is absolutely terrifying to them, so they use things like dissociation and avoidance to create emotional distance.

When pwBPD feel themselves getting too emotionally close to their object(s) it brings up core issues (like fear of abandonment issues), and they need to find ways to push the object(s) away.
Hence, the infamous push/pull cycles of BPD.

This is truly sad for everyone involved.

It may not be my all my fault, I certainly knew better than to get myself into this situation.

Thanks everyone

Jerry, to a BPD we are all indispensable, including their own children. We are not people with feelings, we are toys, props. Hmm, this chair will look great in this scene, hmm this toy will be perfect for these two individuals to fight over (triangulation).

Jerry, I want to take a moment pay you a compliment. I remember when you first started posting here. You were angry and you could feel it in your writing. I think we all bounce back and forth between sadness and anger, it's natural. You are just so self-aware and I like how you are really working things out. I know it may not always feel like it, but to someone on the outside I can see the progress you have made in healing. 

Back to the topic... .

The best way to deal with a BPD (if you have to) is to depersonalize it.  Yes, she is throwing this dude in your face to get a reaction. Yes, by making you have to deal with HIM to see your son she is trying to manufacture competition for her affections.

That was what was really hard for me at the beginning, but I could go NC... .we didn't have kids. I am dealing with this now with a BPD ex friend at work. She is slandering me saying awful, yet also ridiculous stuff to MY immediate co-workers... .like that I left a cup of cat pee on her desk.

How does one even collect pee from a cat? lol.

Stupid stuff that agitates me and makes me want to throttle her, however I know THAT is what she wants. A reaction. When you ignore them they amp it up... .for awhile but they will eventually find someone else to wreak their BPD havoc on.

My ex friend told my entire dept I was gay. I am in a same sex relationship but that is none of anyone's business. I just don't react and don't respond. It is horribly painful to be betrayed but in the end... .
mark my words... .this IS a given... .

They will be their own undoing. You don't have to do or say a thing. I promise you this.

 

Keep posting here when she tests you and don't react. It is childish game playing and you are way above it.

PW

Thank you Pretty Woman

I don't know what else to say for the gift you gave me

 

Although I am grateful to Skip and the BPD Family, I wish there wasn't a need for this site. I had no idea this was an actual disorder. I truly thought I was losing my mind and had lost the ability to have a rational conversation.
 

I found out about BPD Googling: Multiple Break Ups/Irrational Arguments/Relationship Recycling. Ironically, Googling those led me to this site where I read hundreds of stories that sounded like my own. It was insane. I think you all dated my ex :)

It is scary the protocol they seem to all follow. Apparently it works because look at how many members are on this site.

It does get better. It's a hard journey but I will say this... .the greatest gift it gave me was realizing I was attracted to someone broken which makes me a bit broken in other areas (self esteem/worth). I am fixing those things now and won't be manipulated should another BPD cross my path... .
in fact I can recognize it so easily I steer clear of those types of people.

Hang in there. Keep posting when times are tough and remember:

You will never be able to rationalize with an irrational person. Best to save yourself the headache and walk away.
 

Very true, it's my foo stuff. I had to anticipate the abusers next play to save my life. It becomes habit and a abnormal normal way to live.

There's no understanding a person who's drunk and in a rage anymore than it's possible to understand a pwBPD.

And yes, thank God for this site and all the moderators and unfortunately the fellow members going through this nightmare.

The above is two fold; they project their feelings onto their partner to feel better, and they get an emotional reaction to show them an attachment is still there.

Always remember that BPD is a serious mental illness, once we learn enough about the disorder and our part in it we can fully detach; we can never rationalize the irrational or try to make sense of the senseless. They make up their own reality to fit their current emotion of the moment (all their defenses point to this), we live in actual reality.

Focus on you and your son, he really needs you!

Jerry,

I agree,  to the extent that I see,  that this is what keeps you stuck. Let's say attached.  Aside from her and your son,  you're going though major health issues.  It's probably hard to take care of yourself worrying about other people.  

Though your son's mother is definitely a worry, you've taken good steps to address the legal issues.  After whatever waiting period your lawyer advised you to take,  it sounds like you're going to likely be a single father,  your son's mother being  in your lives however she is.  

From what I see,  you're adding a lot of stress to yourself by focusing on her so much. By this time, you've seen who she is.  I certainly sympathize with your thoughts of "how could a mother/parent act like this?" On the Coping and Healing Board, I've seen it referred to as "The Myth of Motherhood (or Parenthood with regard to fathers)"  If you get my meaning,  I encourage you to explore those views on that board regarding your own mother.  You'll be in good company with fellow travelers there.  I'm one of them. It may be a brutal journey,  but it's worth it, and may give you perspective on your current feelings. Exploring the past can give you perspective on dealing with the now. It's worth it because of your son.  

Thanks everyone

The one thing I dislike is my memory, I'm so visual. Everything is processes visually in my brain, so I see everything that happened and can play it over and over.

Like reliving each event.

Replaying our last encounter is like a nightmare I cannot wake up from.

I will explore that board Turkish. Thought I had settled most of my family history already.

Thanks again, and yes I'm not well physically, tried lifting my covers last night and it hurts so bad I was annoyed. Very frustrating knowing I'm so weak, fighting for custody for my son, I may not be able to care for him if I did win in court.

. biggest smile of the day  : )

. i'm sorry to hear what you are going through. i grew up with a very abusive, violent mother who definitely had a personality disorder - i'm not sure if it was BPD. maybe as a way of getting a bit unstuck/ less attached, you could stop trying to understand her as your ex-partner and just view her as the BPD mother that your son will have to learn to cope with. try and understand with compassion what a BPD mother is and how that will impact your son and how you can, in time, explain to him in child-appropriate terms, how to deal with her behaviour and her lack of displaying reliable, safe, bonded love to him. learn to see your ex as a BPD mother, so that you can give your son all the emotional tools he will need to survive being the child of a BPD mother - so that one day he does not end up in a BPD relationship himself. i always encourage victims of trauma and violence to also do volunteer work/ support other people while they are on their own healing journey. finding a way to help other/ be of service to others can really help you not feel "stuck" in a victim role. it can remind you that you are a valuable, competent, giving, caring person. so, by focussing on how you can help your son cope, deal and live with a BPD mother, you may be decreasing your focus on how you can cope with having a BPD ex. when we are healing from trauma, it's natural to focus our energy on that - sometimes we over-focus too much energy on it. then it can be a healthy reminder to help others with their journeys. well done on how well you are coping with it! i hope your physical illness is receiving adequate medical care. what is your prognosis?

Thank you hmmmmm

Those are good points, getting outside ourselves and our problems is key.

The cancer is in remission, the treatment failed and no other options but chemo for the rest of my life.

I seen a doctor at the Emergency room last night, I have bronchitis and been sick with various things for weeks. Long term I see no getting past the side effects of the chemo. I've asked many doctors and there isn't many options. My personal physician told me most of her patients get one dose of the meds I'm on and discontinue and live with the cancer. Not sure how long I have, 5, 10 or maybe more time. Each case is different

i'm truly sorry to hear that, jerry. i do quite a bit of research in state-of-the-art, best-practice medicine and there is some amazing medical research being done in a field called Psychoneuroimmunology (PNI) or Psychoneuroendoimmunology (PNEI). it is probably the most exciting field of medical research being done in mainstream medicine today. i'm wary to mention it, because i know cancer patients get countless amounts of unasked for medical advice or even suggested "cures". so i'm saying this very reservedly, just as an "for your information" thing. you might like to google the subject - to put it simply it's about the mind-body connection from a scientific point of view and how things like emotions (eg stress) create stress hormones in the brain which then directly affect the body. a very good introduction to the subject is a book by Lissa Rankin called "mind over medicine" tho the title is unfortunately very misleading, because it should say "the role of the brain and brain-chemistry in physical medicine" - but you know publishing houses - they'd rather pick a catchy title that will sell, than a boring but accurate title. if i may, i'll give you one simple example of what PNI or PNEI looks at:. you have two basic emotional-mental-physical states. 1. fight-flight-freeze (sympathetic nervous system). 2. rest-and-digest (parasympathetic nervous system). these two are either/ or states. you can only be in one of them at a time. all physical/ medical healing takes place while the body is in the 2nd (parasympathetic nervous system) state. the body's repair and maintenance functions cannot take place in the fight-flight-flee stress mode. so for any type of illness at all, getting your system into as many parasympathetic (rest and digest) hours per day is important. being in a BPD relationship, going through divorce, dealing with custody issues, dealing with a serious illness, dealing with physical pain are all factors that push your body into the stress (sympathetic) state. if you can try and get as many minutes or hours per day of significant, deep relaxation and rest per day with as few stress hormones in your blood stream telling your system it needs to deal with immediate threats, the more resources your system will have to deal with underlying health issues. i in no way want to suggest that this could "heal" your condition - please don't misunderstand me there. i have gone through serious chronic illness myself tho and know how important (and how hard) it is to break out of stress cycles . and i know that getting "20 minutes of relaxation" seems like such a trifling thing - it seems like it could make "next to no difference". i'd like to encourage you to look at PNI / the parasympathetic nervous system, if you feel up to it, so that you can see the value of even 3 minutes of parasympathetic relaxation for your system. even if all it achieves is that it makes some of your symptoms a bit milder, or it makes it easier for you to deal with your illness, or it gives you a couple of years longer with your son, that would be a valuable outcome, imo. if you are having strong physical pain, you may like to look at this website/ resource - it is a Canadian clinic specialising in chronic pain . www.neuronovacentre.com/books-and-audio/the-mindfulness-solution-to-pain/. i can send you a copy of their audio material, if you like. right, i'll stop writing now. i'm really sorry to have spammed you with unasked for medical advice! : /. please ignore all of it, if it is unhelpful to you!

Curiously wrote---
They have to be the centre of your world and feel as though you are still attached to them so check up on you if they feel they need to.

--True. I also wonder if, aside from checking up on us, if their need to still feel you are still attached to them is why they assume we are stalking them/checking up on them, even though we are not?  I have heard this from many ex-partners of pwBPD, the pwBPD accusing the ex of stalking even though the ex has absolutely no contact or outreach.

Jerry---
  I hope you feel better soon. Also, you wrote about the painful visual memory of the last meeting with ex.  One DBT method is to try to recall the memory in slow motion, with the sound turned down, or in black and white---then visualize th whole scene 10 feet away from you, then 50 feet away, etc.  This can take the sting out if it. Take care.

Thank you hmmmmm and shatra

I had a bad day yesterday, my son's mother just ignoring our son and walking away from him. Last week making a fuss and taking him from me.

She is such a mental mess I am truly afraid for my son and my own safety.

She's completely out of touch with reality, her bf seems to be about in the same.

There's no logic or reasoning this whole situation.

It is simply beyond discription or belief

A mother who can simply ignore her only child is in my opinion capable of anything. This is a crime against her very soul.

I used to believe she had a soul, I will never make that mistake again. She's obviously an empty shell.

If she cannot love a beautiful 2 year old child, how can she love anything?