Never ends and who cares.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Found out my exgf got engaged again last weekend, funny thing is, she unfriendly her bf the week before, guess they can't make up thier minds.

Her pastor told me about it.

Same old story, they never change and I'm grateful to be out of that mess. Everyone is laughing at the poor fools, they used to ask why I was even trying with my exgf.

Complete waste of time.

Do they change? Not this one

[JerryRG]

Found out my exgf got engaged again last weekend, funny thing is, she unfriendly her bf the week before, guess they can't make up thier minds.

Her pastor told me about it.

Same old story, they never change and I'm grateful to be out of that mess. Everyone is laughing at the poor fools, they used to ask why I was even trying with my exgf.

Complete waste of time.

Do they change? Not this one

[Curiously1]

It's so crazy how fast they move onto the next one and get engaged just like that.

[Splitblack4good]

It's so crazy how fast they move onto the next one and get engaged just like that.

Yer tell me about it my ex BPD gf got engaged to the current replacement within 18 days ! That's a new record I think for her ! Lol

[JerryRG]

Isn't this a recycle?

It is very immature and reminds me of when I was in the relationship with her. Emotion Roller Coaster ride.

She's still nc with our son, bizarre

Her sister in law told me to stop trying to figure my ex out, she's tried for 8 years and finally gave up.

[JerryRG]

Another thing is I'm learning more about the narcissis side of my exgf, she fits almost all that too. And of coarse my mother was narcissistic as well. The silent treatment and mind control and blame, guilt and shame. Triangulation with my siblings and never admitting error.

[Splitblack4good]

Another thing is I'm learning more about the narcissis side of my exgf, she fits almost all that too. And of coarse my mother was narcissistic as well. The silent treatment and mind control and blame, guilt and shame. Triangulation with my siblings and never admitting error.

I've said a few times now jerry that I'm sure we dated the same women !

[SoMadSoSad]

Title says "who cares" but tell us how you really feel.

[JerryRG]

I do care because I'm not completely detached and I still allow my ex to bait me. She expects an emotional response and I normally give her one.

I'm learning about CPTSD and it is really helping me understand the whole dynamics of the relationship and not just her contributions to the dysfunction dance, but mine as well. Thankfully I can learn and change, not sure my exgf can or even wants too.

I'm doing better, this is a life change, not going to happen overnight.

[Splitblack4good]

I do care because I'm not completely detached and I still allow my ex to bait me. She expects an emotional response and I normally give her one.

I'm learning about CPTSD and it is really helping me understand the whole dynamics of the relationship and not just her contributions to the dysfunction dance, but mine as well. Thankfully I can learn and change, not sure my exgf can or even wants too.

I'm doing better, this is a life change, not going to happen overnight.

I do care because I'm not completely detached and I still allow my ex to bait me. She expects an emotional response and I normally give her one.

My ex has tried Baiting me into a reaction 4/5 times we split I know how difficult it can not to react in anyway . She tried accusing me of even harrasing her to the police twice . She stopped me from seeing my son one weekend by just not turning up with him but I havnt and didn't react in any way and she's given up now .

[JerryRG]

Is there any reason (irrational) they do this? It's either attention or manipulation or what?

Deliberately trying to upset someone for no logical reason seems pointless unless they feel awful about themselves and just want us to be miserable too?

I don't understand and I should be happy I don't?

[SoMadSoSad]

Is there any reason (irrational) they do this? It's either attention or manipulation or what?

Deliberately trying to upset someone for no logical reason seems pointless unless they feel awful about themselves and just want us to be miserable too?

I don't understand and I should be happy I don't?

They have pain inside that the need to let out and find a cause for.

[once removed]

I do care because I'm not completely detached

i can imagine this must be painful, confusing, a shock to the system. how are you feeling about it today? 

[JerryRG]

The one thing I still do that keeps me stuck is trying to make sense of my exgfs behavior.

I twisted myself inside out trying to adjust to her way of thinking throughout the relationship to appease her.

I seen her drive by yesterday and she was acting like a child, while I'm so tired I can barely move. That set off some anger inside me. I realize after venting about the anger to her family, mother, aunt, and couple of my friends, my exgf is missing out on our son growing up.

Eventually her relationship will crash and she will be left with nothing. She just keeps burning bridges. Her mother said her whole family is upset but dwelling on her daughter just takes away from enjoying her day, she said my son will be better off if we just forget mother, let her go.

I truly believe these relationships change the wiring in our brains, I will never be the same, but I can be even better than ever if I choose to be.

[Kelli Cornett]

The one thing I still do that keeps me stuck is trying to make sense of my exgfs behavior.

I twisted myself inside out trying to adjust to her way of thinking throughout the relationship to appease her.

I seen her drive by yesterday and she was acting like a child, while I'm so tired I can barely move. That set off some anger inside me. I realize after venting about the anger to her family, mother, aunt, and couple of my friends, my exgf is missing out on our son growing up.

Eventually her relationship will crash and she will be left with nothing. She just keeps burning bridges. Her mother said her whole family is upset but dwelling on her daughter just takes away from enjoying her day, she said my son will be better off if we just forget mother, let her go.

I truly believe these relationships change the wiring in our brains, I will never be the same, but I can be even better than ever if I choose to be.

Of course it affects you, just like all of our BPD partners affect us.
Try to react to her and let it go here, rather than show her that she's managed to get a reaction from you and have her 'win'.
Be there and be strong for your kid, and realize she's going to continue to engage in dysfunctional crazy crap and it's got nothing to do with you.

Radical acceptance.

[JerryRG]

She's one mean miserable little girl, and wants to get me upset so I feel like her.

She was unhappy before I met her, while we together and still the same pain in the behind she always was.

Not my problem anymore

[Curiously1]

Is there any reason (irrational) they do this? It's either attention or manipulation or what?

Deliberately trying to upset someone for no logical reason seems pointless unless they feel awful about themselves and just want us to be miserable too?

I don't understand and I should be happy I don't?

For complete selfish reasons. Yes they crave attention whether you react postitively or negatively. They like having an effect on others. They have to be the centre of your world and feel as though you are still attached to them so check up on you if they feel they need to. Bothering you is mostly about making themselves feel better and or feeling that they are doing better than you.

[JerryRG]

So crazy, telling me I have to speak to her bf if I want to know about our son, then blurting out she was going to marry him. It's so childish and rediculous that I don't know how to respond. I end up looking and feeling stupid because I'm no longer living in her world.

Just left with this foggy awful confusion and dilemma.

[Kelli Cornett]

You used the magic word... childish.
pwBPD never developed emotional maturity, so they behave like children in their intimate r/s.
That's the reason you have to establish and enforce boundaries with them, just like you're dealing with a child who needs the same.

[JerryRG]

That makes sense, my son will get a little out of control as he did last night in the tub, he decided to rub bubbles on my face as I sat near watching him. Then scratched me in all the excitement. He just can't contain his emotions and sometimes behaves unacceptably. After time out he seems to have calmed down as if the act of having to sit still allows him to "reboot" his system.

Something popped into my head, "the only way to safely love a pwBPD is from a great distance"

[Kelli Cornett]

It's not the way you love them that's the problem, it's the immature way their emotions work and how they feel love that's the problem.

They feel love the same way that a child falls in love with a new object that's going to make everything in their lives perfect, and they'll never need another new 'toy' again. Until the feeling wears off, and they need to look for the next toy (idealization) that's going to make everything ok for them.

In the beginning, the new object will be the thing that's responsible for bringing them happiness and makes all the bad things go away, but in the end it didn't work (just like all the previous toys/objects that have come before) and is just a representation of all their unhappiness and issues that have been projected onto that object.

It's a never ending cycle.

[JerryRG]

Wow, so this is why she is able to abandon our son, he was just a fun toy for a while. Amazing.

She's just hard wired to be bored with her toys, objects

Makes it much easier to deal with the old and find the new.

They are seeking to find something that doesn't exist. Childhood fantasy of being the prince or princess in a fairy tale and once the excitement is gone, they look for another adventure in fantasy.

I remember her sister in law telling me my exgf was a dreamer, she made big plans but rarely ever acted on them.

Yes, everything points to immaturity. They have enough information and ability to do a lot of damage yet lack the mature coping skills to prevent it.

[Kelli Cornett]

Every situation is unique, but I think my w started creating distance from our children due to dissociation and avoidance.
Getting too close and becoming too emotionally involved/attached on any kind of mature level is absolutely terrifying to them, so they use things like dissociation and avoidance to create emotional distance.

When pwBPD feel themselves getting too emotionally close to their object(s) it brings up core issues (like fear of abandonment issues), and they need to find ways to push the object(s) away.
Hence, the infamous push/pull cycles of BPD.

[JerryRG]

This is truly sad for everyone involved.

It may not be my all my fault, I certainly knew better than to get myself into this situation.

Thanks everyone

[Pretty Woman]

Jerry, to a BPD we are all indispensable, including their own children. We are not people with feelings, we are toys, props. Hmm, this chair will look great in this scene, hmm this toy will be perfect for these two individuals to fight over (triangulation).

Jerry, I want to take a moment pay you a compliment. I remember when you first started posting here. You were angry and you could feel it in your writing. I think we all bounce back and forth between sadness and anger, it's natural. You are just so self-aware and I like how you are really working things out. I know it may not always feel like it, but to someone on the outside I can see the progress you have made in healing. 

Back to the topic... .

The best way to deal with a BPD (if you have to) is to depersonalize it.  Yes, she is throwing this dude in your face to get a reaction. Yes, by making you have to deal with HIM to see your son she is trying to manufacture competition for her affections.

That was what was really hard for me at the beginning, but I could go NC... .we didn't have kids. I am dealing with this now with a BPD ex friend at work. She is slandering me saying awful, yet also ridiculous stuff to MY immediate co-workers... .like that I left a cup of cat pee on her desk.

How does one even collect pee from a cat? .

Stupid stuff that agitates me and makes me want to throttle her, however I know THAT is what she wants. A reaction. When you ignore them they amp it up... .for awhile but they will eventually find someone else to wreak their BPD havoc on.

My ex friend told my entire dept I was gay. I am in a same sex relationship but that is none of anyone's business. I just don't react and don't respond. It is horribly painful to be betrayed but in the end... .
mark my words... .this IS a given... .

They will be their own undoing. You don't have to do or say a thing. I promise you this.

 

Keep posting here when she tests you and don't react. It is childish game playing and you are way above it.

PW

[JerryRG]

Thank you Pretty Woman

I don't know what else to say for the gift you gave me

 

[Pretty Woman]

Although I am grateful to Skip and the BPD Family, I wish there wasn't a need for this site. I had no idea this was an actual disorder. I truly thought I was losing my mind and had lost the ability to have a rational conversation.
 

I found out about BPD Googling: Multiple Break Ups/Irrational Arguments/Relationship Recycling. Ironically, Googling those led me to this site where I read hundreds of stories that sounded like my own. It was insane. I think you all dated my ex

It is scary the protocol they seem to all follow. Apparently it works because look at how many members are on this site.

It does get better. It's a hard journey but I will say this... .the greatest gift it gave me was realizing I was attracted to someone broken which makes me a bit broken in other areas (self esteem/worth). I am fixing those things now and won't be manipulated should another BPD cross my path... .
in fact I can recognize it so easily I steer clear of those types of people.

Hang in there. Keep posting when times are tough and remember:

You will never be able to rationalize with an irrational person. Best to save yourself the headache and walk away.
 

[JerryRG]

Very true, it's my foo stuff. I had to anticipate the abusers next play to save my life. It becomes habit and a abnormal normal way to live.

There's no understanding a person who's drunk and in a rage anymore than it's possible to understand a pwBPD.

And yes, thank God for this site and all the moderators and unfortunately the fellow members going through this nightmare.

[lovenature]

Deliberately trying to upset someone for no logical reason seems pointless unless they feel awful about themselves and just want us to be miserable too?

The above is two fold; they project their feelings onto their partner to feel better, and they get an emotional reaction to show them an attachment is still there.

Always remember that BPD is a serious mental illness, once we learn enough about the disorder and our part in it we can fully detach; we can never rationalize the irrational or try to make sense of the senseless. They make up their own reality to fit their current emotion of the moment (all their defenses point to this), we live in actual reality.

Focus on you and your son, he really needs you!

[Turkish]

The one thing I still do that keeps me stuck is trying to make sense of my exgfs behavior.

Jerry,

I agree,  to the extent that I see,  that this is what keeps you stuck. Let's say attached.  Aside from her and your son,  you're going though major health issues.  It's probably hard to take care of yourself worrying about other people.  

Though your son's mother is definitely a worry, you've taken good steps to address the legal issues.  After whatever waiting period your lawyer advised you to take,  it sounds like you're going to likely be a single father,  your son's mother being  in your lives however she is.  

From what I see,  you're adding a lot of stress to yourself by focusing on her so much. By this time, you've seen who she is.  I certainly sympathize with your thoughts of "how could a mother/parent act like this?" On the Coping and Healing Board, I've seen it referred to as "The Myth of Motherhood (or Parenthood with regard to fathers)"  If you get my meaning,  I encourage you to explore those views on that board regarding your own mother.  You'll be in good company with fellow travelers there.  I'm one of them. It may be a brutal journey,  but it's worth it, and may give you perspective on your current feelings. Exploring the past can give you perspective on dealing with the now. It's worth it because of your son.  

[JerryRG]

Thanks everyone

The one thing I dislike is my memory, I'm so visual. Everything is processes visually in my brain, so I see everything that happened and can play it over and over.

Like reliving each event.

Replaying our last encounter is like a nightmare I cannot wake up from.

I will explore that board Turkish. Thought I had settled most of my family history already.

Thanks again, and yes I'm not well physically, tried lifting my covers last night and it hurts so bad I was annoyed. Very frustrating knowing I'm so weak, fighting for custody for my son, I may not be able to care for him if I did win in court.