|
Title: Something that has helped me Post by: malibu4x on December 02, 2016, 10:25:20 AM Hi all,
I just wanted to share something that has really helped me the last week or so, and I have noticed a stark difference in my relationship with my uBPDw already. It is a book called: Overcoming BPD: A Family Guide for Healing and Change Review by Skip a while back. bpdfamily.org/2011/03/how-to-support-someone-with-borderline.html It has given me more of the biological insight into why my uBPDw does what she does, and to really not take things personally, as well as have much much more compassion for her. Title: Re: Something that has helped me Post by: drained1996 on December 02, 2016, 12:53:59 PM Thanks for sharing Malibu, it's always useful for us all to see what others have found to be of help in their journey. Congratulations to you in taking the steps to understand and better your own situation! |iiii
Title: Re: Something that has helped me Post by: jrharvey on December 02, 2016, 03:09:47 PM Im just being honest here. I have read many books and watched tons of videos on people that have BPD and have at times felt very empathetic and compassionate towards them. I start to truly feel sad for the condition. The problem is that I have noticed that my GF uses this compassion against me. When I show compassion she really uses it as a tool to control me.
For example... .Instead of owning her own mistakes she may say "you know I am BPD and cant control my actions, you have to understand that and understand for me" even if she is raging or abusive. Title: Re: Something that has helped me Post by: malibu4x on December 02, 2016, 03:23:07 PM Hi jrharvey,
Yes, good point and that must be extremely frustrating! At this point my wife is uBPD, so for now, I'm just doing my best to try to be compassionate, validate and empathize, and move conversations forward in a positive way, or disengage from them gracefully. Title: Re: Something that has helped me Post by: Jessica84 on December 02, 2016, 04:10:25 PM At this point my wife is uBPD, so for now, I'm just doing my best to try to be compassionate, validate and empathize, and move conversations forward in a positive way, or disengage from them gracefully. That is it! |iiii The very essence of what we strive for in these relationships. Compassion is the first step toward understanding and validating a pwBPD. Boundaries are the next step - and essential. As JR points out, our compassion can be used as a weapon against us if we are not careful. Rather than become enablers to bad behavior, we have to learn when (and how) to disengage from it. Title: Re: Something that has helped me Post by: ArleighBurke on December 02, 2016, 07:05:44 PM Instead of owning her own mistakes she may say "you know I am BPD and cant control my actions, you have to understand that and understand for me" even if she is raging or abusive. I would reply: I know you have BPD - which means you can't control what you FEEL. You can control your ACTIONS. I understand BPD makes that difficult for you - more difficult than for others - but it is something you can work on and become better at.Title: Re: Something that has helped me Post by: malibu4x on December 02, 2016, 07:09:58 PM I would reply: I know you have BPD - which means you can't control what you FEEL. You can control your ACTIONS. I understand BPD makes that difficult for you - more difficult than for others - but it is something you can work on and become better at. LOVE THIS! Title: Re: Something that has helped me Post by: teapay on December 03, 2016, 05:56:04 AM This is a good way to handle it (M) and good reply (AB). I hear similar comments from my W (jh). But I go futher. I link bad behavior to undesirable consequences. There are no freebies to behaviors I find unacceptable. Also, the positive connection she want is linked to positive behaviors. I keep a certain level of quid pro quo in the r/s, especially for bad behavior.
|