Something that has helped me

[malibu4x]

Hi all,

I just wanted to share something that has really helped me the last week or so, and I have noticed a stark difference in my relationship with my uBPDw already.

It is a book called:
Overcoming BPD: A Family Guide for Healing and Change

Review by Skip a while back.
bpdfamily.org/2011/03/how-to-support-someone-with-borderline.html

It has given me more of the biological insight into why my uBPDw does what she does, and to really not take things personally, as well as have much much more compassion for her. 

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[drained1996]

Thanks for sharing Malibu, it's always useful for us all to see what others have found to be of help in their journey.  Congratulations to you in taking the steps to understand and better your own situation!   

[jrharvey]

Im just being honest here. I have read many books and watched tons of videos on people that have BPD and have at times felt very empathetic and compassionate towards them. I start to truly feel sad for the condition. The problem is that I have noticed that my GF uses this compassion against me. When I show compassion she really uses it as a tool to control me.

For example... .Instead of owning her own mistakes she may say "you know I am BPD and cant control my actions, you have to understand that and understand for me" even if she is raging or abusive.

[malibu4x]

Hi jrharvey,

Yes, good point and that must be extremely frustrating! 

At this point my wife is uBPD, so for now, I'm just doing my best to try to be compassionate,  validate and empathize, and move conversations forward in a positive way, or disengage from them gracefully.

[Jessica84]

At this point my wife is uBPD, so for now, I'm just doing my best to try to be compassionate,  validate and empathize, and move conversations forward in a positive way, or disengage from them gracefully.

That is it!  The very essence of what we strive for in these relationships. Compassion is the first step toward understanding and validating a pwBPD. Boundaries are the next step - and essential. As JR points out, our compassion can be used as a weapon against us if we are not careful. Rather than become enablers to bad behavior, we have to learn when (and how) to disengage from it.

[ArleighBurke]

Instead of owning her own mistakes she may say "you know I am BPD and cant control my actions, you have to understand that and understand for me" even if she is raging or abusive.

I would reply: I know you have BPD - which means you can't control what you FEEL. You can control your ACTIONS. I understand BPD makes that difficult for you - more difficult than for others - but it is something you can work on and become better at.

[malibu4x]

I would reply: I know you have BPD - which means you can't control what you FEEL. You can control your ACTIONS. I understand BPD makes that difficult for you - more difficult than for others - but it is something you can work on and become better at.

LOVE THIS!

[teapay]

This is a good way to handle it (M) and good reply (AB).  I hear similar comments from my W (jh).  But I go futher.  I link bad behavior to undesirable consequences.  There are no freebies to behaviors I find unacceptable.  Also, the positive connection she want is linked to positive behaviors.  I keep a certain level of quid pro quo in the r/s, especially for bad behavior.