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Or... .maybe it's the denial. The lack of even the smallest recognition of the betrayal that stings. It's now my cross to bear as the reasons were always without reason, and the talks always no win situations for me with my xuBPDgf/fiance. A single lucid conversation at the end may have made it feel like an actual end(just slinging thoughts though they never stick for long). One regret is I didn't pick my battles and wish I had a competent last stand to say my piece. Seemed like everything she accused me of being was exactly what she was proven to be. It's so hard to know what ran through that head to convince her of her innocence when she was caught completely red handed more than once. Betrayal may be the common link we all hold onto. An entire foundation based on telling people what they think they want to hear moment to moment. Does the house of cards ever fall? Or is denial that strong a foundation in their minds? (It doesn't escape me that I'm generalizing my from my own perspective)

Hi Octy,

A very insightful post. I think many of us have struggled with similar feelings.


Recognition would show that she at least understands the pain she caused. Is that what you mean? I think we all long for that kind of understanding when we've been hurt by someone we love. If your ex has BPD or traits of BPD, recognizing that she betrayed you might trigger feelings of shame that she's desperate to ward off. Leaving you to give yourself that understanding and compassion she's unable to. It's not an easy thing to do.

Do you ever picture what it would be like to have that recognition from her? What she would say? What you would say to her? Have you tried writing it down for your own sake? It can sometimes be a useful exercise to begin exploring those painful emotions and what you would to be able to seek closure for yourself. What's your support system like? Are you able to share with close friends and family?

Just throwing this out there, maybe it makes no sense. Could it be they idealize the replacement to ease the guilt and pain they feel for the way they betrayed and treated us. Maybe it makes them better for a while " see, I am a nice person"  but than the mask slips and the cycle starts with the replacement.

For me, those isolated lucid conversations would confuse me even more. There were times when ex and I would have these really great conversations and I would walk away thinking/feeling like, "Wow, he finally understands." That feeling would rarely last very long because it took no time at all for him to start saying/doing things as though the conversation didn't happen.

I know I have a difficult time letting go of the betrayal. I am done with him. The longer he has been out of the house,  the more I am feeling betrayed and hurt. I am feeling that way because I think I am still in disbelief that somebody could do the things that he did. I am in disbelief that he could do those things and then act like I am crazy or mean or unjustified in being hurt or angry. Given the things that he has said and done, I think my feelings are perfectly ok. I am not overreacting or making mountains out of molehills. He did some pretty horrible things.

Him acting like everything is okay really messes with my mind at times. To me, it seems like another form of gaslighting. I had added him back on Facebook for a brief period but ended up blocking him again because he was posting funny, cutesy stuff as though his life is perfect and there is nothing wrong. He has picked up a bunch of friends and it seems like there are several women that like everything he posts. I couldn't handle seeing it and blocked him again. It reminded me of all of the times that he lied to me. It reminded me of all the times when he would claim that he was being honest only to have his truth change 20 minutes later.


What is your piece?

I have found it more helpful to write it out here or in a private journal. I have found it more helpful to talk to a trusted friend than try to say my piece to him. I have had stuff all rehearsed in my head and when I tried to actually share it with him, I walk away feeling even worse because he does not get how painful some things were. He acts like I am crazy for being upset or hurt. He acts like I am overreacting. For the longest time, I tried really hard to dismiss myself and minimize the hurt. The longer he is out of the house and the more I share with others, the more I get these looks like I am crazy for NOT being more upset and for NOT being more hard nosed about things.

I keep wondering why I would want to be heard by ex. He has proven time and time again that he is not trustworthy. He has proven time and time again that he is selfish He has proven time and time again that he prefers to live in a comfortable little fantasy world that has no room for acknowledging the pain and hurt that I feel because of the lies and betrayal. His world is compartmentalized. Acknowledging the pain and hurt that I feel would require that he have some empathy and admit to wrongdoing. That isn't going to happen sincerely. He might blow smoke up my butt when it is convenient for him. I used to get really distracted by his smoke and mirrors. Now, it infuriates me when I try to share something with him only to have him cut me off and tell me that he is hurting or struggling and that I should actually be feeling bad for him rather than him hearing or acknowledging that I might be having a rough time with all of this.

@Octy


I believe this comment cuts to the core of the issues.  Betrayal (and/or abandonment) may very well be the common link we *all* hold onto -- including the people with BPD (pwBPD) in our lives.

My understanding of this disorder is that pwBPD are like PTSD sufferers where their primary trauma (which occurred in early childhod) is that resulting from some kind of abandonment or betrayal (real or imagined). The end result being that any kind of intimate or familial context (i.e. relationship) triggers their PTSD -- and in this context they feel as if they are re-experiencing the trauma.

So *denial* plays a big part in their lives.  The "house of card" *never* falls because it is always being rebuilt.  And unfortunately because of the degree of their denial (and other dysfunctional coping mechanisms) they *never* learn from their previous experiences.  Well "never" until/unless they endeavor to recover.

I imagine what we experience, as we recover from our betrayal, is a small taste of what they have experienced most of their lives.  Our minds (and emotional resources) have the resiliency of an adult mind.  The trauma they are facing was suffered as a child.

@bus boy


I think they idealize and devalue because they haven't gotten past that stage of emotional development to see other people as existing within a continuum between the "idealized" and "devalued."   I think how they perceive other people has more to do with their present needs more than anything else -- if they need to have someone be idealized (and perhaps "rescue" them) then they will find someone to fit the role.  When they are experiencing their disordered feelings, they will find someone to devalue.

@vortex of confusion


As I see it, he finally understood until he started applying the information to himself.  You see, the "idealizing/devaluing" or splitting behavior applies to themselves. So they either see themselves as "ideal" or else they devalue themselves. If something is wrong with them, then "everything" becomes wrong with them.  And the devaluation can become so bad that some pwBPD become suicidal.

An alternative is denial.  By denying the information, they can save themselves from the self-devaluation.  However the denial also prevents them from learning from their experience. And so the house of cards is rebuilt.


Consider that he did what he did in reaction to the betrayal/abandonment he experienced as a child.  What he did to you had nothing to do with you.  You were the surrogate for whomever it was that injured him decades ago.  And what made you the surrogate was not that you did anything to hurt him -- but simply because you got close enough to him to remind him (PTSD) of the injury he has been trying to run away from since he was a child.


I think as human beings we are hardwired to exhibit certain behaviors.  The inclination towards justice and revenge might be part of this wiring. When we are wronged, we seek justice and part of that justice is acknowledgement. And when we cannot get justice... the impulse can turn into the drive for revenge.

Your ex is damaged to the point that he could never acknowledge and accept (for long) the hurt he inflicted upon you.  However, in order to move past this injury, you need to find some justice... perhaps through understanding.  Here we can validate your experience.  What happened to you did really happen.  It was not right.  You do not deserve to be treated in this way. And you will get past it, so long as you continue to take care of yourself.

Best wishes,

Schwing

O.K, so I must say that my house is not wired for the internet and I haven't gotten it installed yet so I am relegated to my phone most of the time.
So far, I appreciate the questions, ideas, and thoughts given, and I have made use of them in my process.
The word "betrayal" was given me by an acquaintance, who also in another completely unrelated conversation reminded me to "pick your battles". I feel like I had become resentful towards the end, as my well stated(at one time) boundaries were just being plowed over. To the point where I was not being as coherent as I had started in the relationship.  I was beyond frustrated, personalized the mistreatment, and had too many examples of contradictory and illogical explanations given
(if any) to events. Eventually I myself was in a circular discussions... .with her but seemingly with myself since the behavior never changed. Just always trying to make any sense relative to how I thought we had just agreed to move forward. A lot of it was word play and secrets I believe she thought were better than straight honesty, even when the truth to me was always worth more than the avoiding, of what to me, I now believe was shame. I've heard it stated that people lie when they are scared to lose something (a relationship?) When I found proof accidentally of the biggest and final, though always ongoing betrayal, I was stunned. Six weeks after our last breakup she accepted a ring from another man. We had been talking baby names and ring shopping for about 7 months of a year long relationship until that last breakup.

I just went through a lot of the story after the previous paragraph but left it unfinished. Kinda like my conclusions of why I let myself become so attached to someone living in a unglued mind frame. Someone who betrayed me right from the start, again and again, taking my compassion to her lies/reasoning as weakness, resulting in control and a weakening resolution to stop her from breaking what had started out as my own healthy rules

Octy we all think that if we just said our last piece a little louder, loved a little greater, cared a little less etc things would be the same.
My uBPDx told me "I wish you had been this kind 2 years ago" (I was BTW). My response: "It wouldn't have mattered, you would have still left." And that is the quintessential Borderline, i.e. let's have the same conversation over and over with no resolution.
Being with a BPD is truly crazy making because they are so messed up we try to figure them out with our rational minds and never can which ends up making us sick.