@Octy
Betrayal may be the common link we all hold onto. An entire foundation based on telling people what they think they want to hear moment to moment. Does the house of cards ever fall? Or is denial that strong a foundation in their minds? (It doesn't escape me that I'm generalizing my from my own perspective)
I believe this comment cuts to the core of the issues. Betrayal (and/or abandonment) may very well be the common link we *all* hold onto -- including the people with BPD (pwBPD) in our lives.
My understanding of this disorder is that pwBPD are like PTSD sufferers where their primary trauma (which occurred in early childhod) is that resulting from some kind of abandonment or betrayal (real or imagined). The end result being that any kind of intimate or familial context (i.e. relationship) triggers their PTSD -- and in this context they feel as if they are re-experiencing the trauma.
So *denial* plays a big part in their lives. The "house of card" *never* falls because it is always being rebuilt. And unfortunately because of the degree of their denial (and other dysfunctional coping mechanisms) they *never* learn from their previous experiences. Well "never" until/unless they endeavor to recover.
I imagine what we experience, as we recover from our betrayal, is a small taste of what they have experienced most of their lives. Our minds (and emotional resources) have the resiliency of an adult mind. The trauma they are facing was suffered as a child.
@bus boy
Could it be they idealize the replacement to ease the guilt and pain they feel for the way they betrayed and treated us. Maybe it makes them better for a while " see, I am a nice person" but than the mask slips and the cycle starts with the replacement.
I think they idealize and devalue because they haven't gotten past that stage of emotional development to see other people as existing within a continuum between the "idealized" and "devalued." I think how they perceive other people has more to do with their present needs more than anything else -- if they need to have someone be idealized (and perhaps "rescue" them) then they will find someone to fit the role. When they are experiencing their disordered feelings, they will find someone to devalue.
@vortex of confusion
For me, those isolated lucid conversations would confuse me even more. There were times when ex and I would have these really great conversations and I would walk away thinking/feeling like, "Wow, he finally understands." That feeling would rarely last very long because it took no time at all for him to start saying/doing things as though the conversation didn't happen.
As I see it, he finally understood until he started applying the information to himself. You see, the "idealizing/devaluing" or splitting behavior applies to themselves. So they either see themselves as "ideal" or else they devalue themselves. If something is wrong with them, then "everything" becomes wrong with them. And the devaluation can become so bad that some pwBPD become suicidal.
An alternative is denial. By denying the information, they can save themselves from the self-devaluation. However the denial also prevents them from learning from their experience. And so the house of cards is rebuilt.
I know I have a difficult time letting go of the betrayal. I am done with him. The longer he has been out of the house, the more I am feeling betrayed and hurt. I am feeling that way because I think I am still in disbelief that somebody could do the things that he did. I am in disbelief that he could do those things and then act like I am crazy or mean or unjustified in being hurt or angry. Given the things that he has said and done, I think my feelings are perfectly ok. I am not overreacting or making mountains out of molehills. He did some pretty horrible things.
Consider that he did what he did in reaction to the betrayal/abandonment he experienced as a child. What he did to you had nothing to do with you. You were the surrogate for whomever it was that injured him decades ago. And what made you the surrogate was not that you did anything to hurt him -- but simply because you got close enough to him to remind him (PTSD) of the injury he has been trying to run away from since he was a child.
I keep wondering why I would want to be heard by ex. He has proven time and time again that he is not trustworthy. He has proven time and time again that he is selfish He has proven time and time again that he prefers to live in a comfortable little fantasy world that has no room for acknowledging the pain and hurt that I feel because of the lies and betrayal.
I think as human beings we are hardwired to exhibit certain behaviors. The inclination towards justice and revenge might be part of this wiring. When we are wronged, we seek justice and part of that justice is acknowledgement. And when we cannot get justice... the impulse can turn into the drive for revenge.
Your ex is damaged to the point that he could never acknowledge and accept (for long) the hurt he inflicted upon you. However, in order to move past this injury, you need to find some justice... perhaps through understanding. Here we can validate your experience. What happened to you did really happen. It was not right. You do not deserve to be treated in this way. And you will get past it, so long as you continue to take care of yourself.
Best wishes,
Schwing
