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Today I filed divorce against my wife of 2.5 years.  I believe she has borderline personality disorder.  On September 19th she accused me of cheating and became very aggressive.  She sent me "evidence" of the affair, which were texts to a same-sex friend I've had for the last 25 years.

The evidence and episode was presented to her in therapy.  She maintained I was cheating and refused to call the phone number of this person when given the opportunity, even with the therapist strongly encouraged it.

My lawyer sent her a letter soon after.  I waited for over a month, she stopped going to therapy even though I encouraged her at least a couple times.

In my relationship with her I've really grown and learned how to deal with her as best I can.  In the beginning I was totally enmeshed and co-dependant.  I grew and she did not, refusing to deal with her mental problem in a serious manner.  There were three boundaries that were dealbreakers:

1) Threatening divorce
2) Involving my friends in our drama
3) Threatening/involving my employment in our drama

On September 19th she violated all three.

This is the second time I've filed divorce against her.  The first time she weasled her way out of it, but nothing changed. 

I've realized although I've learned to cope and I'm quite proud of myself for not responding "in kind", these episodes effect my physical and mental health and unless my spouse changes it will not be a satisfying relationship for me.

Stay tuned...

Jesus. Good luck. Stay strong. I met with my attorney today for the first time. The guilt, confusion, all the feelings are ugh! I hate it.

I’m still waiting to finalise my divorce 2 years plus since filing. He’s played every trick in the book but all the delay is because of the  house sale.
He’s trying to get the home repossessed by not paying the mortgage but thankfully, he’s only damaging his credit file in the process.

It seems pwbpd take pride in violating boundaries- the extinction burst, I think it’s called.
You did great following through with consequences, the challenge now is to stick with this to the end. She will not go away easily.

Maybe she’s cheating on you- accusations are admissions I’ve learned on this site.

Collectively, that list would be a deal breaker for many of us.

I hope everything goes smoothly. I will probably be filing soon. I have just started the process of un-meshing and becoming my own person.
It is awful and terrifying, but I can't go back into the meshing now. The blowback has been intense and while my uBPDh has not become physical, I'm so mentally worn out from our 20 year relationship.

Good luck

It's possible she is cheating on me -- heck, anything is possible.  I doubt it, because before the divorce we spent almost 100% of our time together.  Whether she is or isn't is not a concern for me at this point.

Unfortunately, and the worst part of all this is she is approximately 7 months pregnant.  I do not dispute the paternity.   Attempting to raise a child in an abusive relationship is not acceptable to me.  The pregnancy, the physical health of the baby is very healthy.  Luckily, I have a lot of recordings (which apparently are legal in my state) of her being abusive and making threats.  There is a pretty good paper trail here, from what I've been told.  For the year or so leading up to the pregnancy and the time attempting conception she was not reactive/displaying traits.  She was the first 1.5 years of our marriage, but did attend therapy and things seemed to be improving, as was I.

She was extremely nasty to me a couple nights ago and then stormed out.  She currently lives in an apartment (not our home) because our home is under reconstruction.  I remain in the home.  We are currently in "no contact" becuse of her nasty and unacceptable comments from a few nights ago.

It feels bizarre going no-contact with a pregnant woman, but for my health and sanity I refuse to accept the abuse and instability.  I do not know what else, if anything, I should do at this point.

She has acted badly - dragging your domestic issues into the workplace is  scorched earth. Some things are more egregious than others and that is certainly one.

The flip side is that she is seven months pregnant and there are so many physical and mental gyrations associated with that - any women can lose it. People with BPD traits are often at their worst in high stress situations.

What are your thoughts going forward?

Do you want to be in the child's life? While you are in divorce court, will you be there for her when she delivers or if there are complications. Are you walking away?

Or is filling divorce mostly a way to stop the drama? And you will fgigure out what's next, later?

I'm an airline pilot.  Accusations of domestic abuse, drinking, drugs, illegal medical use (even saying a pilot takes "Xanax", for example) can take months to recover from. 

I filed divorce because I want a divorce.  After her episodes I've had to call in sick from trips, because they cause so much stress and anxiety I don't think I'm fit to fly.  I don't take the extinction bursts personally, but my body deals with the fallout.  My wife rejecting therapy is a big no-no for me, as is setting up a new born in any sort of abusive situation.

I wasn't thinking this would happen.  As far as "any woman can lose it when pregnant"...ummm...this ain't my first rodeo and I've never seen anything like this before.  If "any woman can lose it" then either I should have same-sex relationships from now on or we should build woman's prisons to house more inmates.  There is never room for abuse in a relationship, ever, ever.

I want to be there for the child's life as much as possible.  I'd like to support my spouse through pregnancy as much as possible.  I am not walking away.  I will not tolerate abuse under any circumstance, threats of divorce, threats of destroying my career, threats of disconnecting home gas for heat, threats of restraining orders, etc.  I refuse to continue an intimate/emotional relationship with my spouse.

What's next?  God only knows.  Time will tell if coparenting is an option.  I assume it's largely based on her stability and behavior and how good my lawyer is.

My wife still has not been served due to a delay by the court to assign a docket number in my state of residence.

Without my knowledge she liquidated a jointly held checking account a few days ago.  That's unfortunate because there are several things which are auto-debited from that account, including utilities for the house.

My lawyer suggested I do everything possible to prevent further damage.  I think I've done all that I can do.  I canceled credit cards, locked accounts, etc.

She said she would take her cellphone off our joint account (I wasn't comfortable with her on the account anyway because of the paranoia and obsessive searching behavior she does on my phone records...that is the behavior that started this divorce).  She eventually refused to do remove the phone line, so I had to do it myself and act unilaterally.

I told her if the money is not returned to the joint checking account that we will be in no contact.  Transparency and honesty are important to me, even in divorce.

Ugh...

That is so terrible and some of my worst fears come to life.

Hopefully her fear of no contact is enough to have her return the money.

Stay strong.

Technically, funds in a joint account are equally owned.  But... first come, first raids.  Lawyers will say this should be expected.  At best, if she doesn't return it then near the end of the divorce the financial aspects will be addressed.  But our collective experience is that the lawyers will be so eager to close out the case that they'll give little attention to the times you've been shortchanged.

It would be wise to change the payment methods elsewhere so she can't sabotage you that way again.  But your spouse will sabotage in other ways, count on it.

If you are now garaging your vehicles in separate places this may violate auto insurance rules.  You don't have to tell her that, the company likely will decide if an issue and notify her to open her own vehicle insurance account, if/once you inform them.  You may hold off on that action for now if you're the titled owner.

You can't cancel her health insurance if it is provided through your work, not until the divorce is final.  Afterward she can use COBRA process at her choice.

My wife turned off the utilities to the house when my kids were in my custody.  It's cold.

I can not turn the utilities on again until Monday because the utility provider is closed.   

Is it time for a restraining order or something of the sort?   She has threatened this multiple times in the past, but this time she has carried out the threat.  She currently lives in an apartment nearby while the house is undergoing reconstruction.

Were the utilities in her name?  If jointly named or in your name, then she went too far.  But I don't see the courts getting perturbed, likely they'll see it as typical divorce "bickering" and not sabotaging of your parenting.  Eventually it might conclude she's gone too far but it likely it will take a while for it to accept she's continuing to be sabotaging you and your parenting.

I don't know whether there is basis to file about this.  (Though do document this so it can be used if needed later.)  Besides utilities, what else could she sabotage?  Go down the list.

• Mortgage payments
• Real Estate deeds and taxes
• Car loan payments
• Home insurance
• Vehicle insurance
• School registrations and contacts
• Pediatricians and other doctors
• Daycare accounts
• Hopefully you've no joint credit accounts which would be a huge risk of financial shenanigans

As for the house itself, if jointly owned then up to half the equity will be owed to the spouse who doesn't end up with the house.  Various ownership details can get complicated depending on state laws.   As a last resort, if neither can afford to keep it, then it must be sold - in which case you need to be in charge of getting it done.

Also, you no doubt have various financial accounts, titles, deeds, retirement accounts and insurance policies.  Your will should be examined to determine what needs to be adjusted and whether now or immediately after the divorce.  Ensure this isn't forgotten and ex's name is left on any of them to inherit.

Incredible courts don't see turning off electricity as something more significant.  Thanks for the advice, everything else has been taken care of.  The jointly held credit cards were cancelled first thing, a few weeks ago.  I don't think she can do too much other damage for now.  She threatens a restraining order, but we don't see each other and I don't respond to her messages...so...

I ported her phone number yesterday.  She said she would do it voluntarily for weeks, but she never did.  My phone was the biggest amount of stress for her.  She would spend hours upon hours looking at my phone records and make wild accusations and assumptions.  She attempted to steal it and break into it.  I could not prevent her from doing this (thanks T-Mobile), so eventually I decided it was time to get her off the account.  Of course I still pay the bill, as I pay everything and she is unemployed. 

I'm sure the shutting off the electricity was "revenge" for my self-care and her inability to no longer monitor and attempt to control. 

Still waiting for my spouse to be served with the divorce due to a backlog in docket numbers with my county court, but she knows it will be coming soon.

I went with her to a obstetrician appointment yesterday and I was surprised they took her aside and talked to her about mental health.  This was due to a phone call I made about 10 days ago...I didn't say anything else in that call other than "I was concerned about her mental state and decision making at times".

After that appointment she talked to me for about an hour.  For us it was a relatively civil conversation.  She said she would consider therapy again for "us" (too late, much too late).  When I politely declined and said the relationship was toxic, dysfunctional and beyond repair and there was nothing left to save she started into a delusion about me getting back with my ex-spouse  and/or ex-lover (years and years ago) and someone is stalking her on her social media.  Then I was blamed for most of her pregnancy suffering, although she did say perhaps she is emotionally abusive at times.

I am not hopeful.  I don't see this as a genuine self-awareness, but a repetition of the same cycle that has lasted the entire relationship.  If she wants to do real therapy and go on an improvement journey I encourage and support it, but we will still get divorced. 

I noticed over the last few weeks my daily journal entries regarding my interactions with her have decreased in size by about 50-80%.  For now, the drama is decreasing significantly.  Accepting her for who she is, accepting me for who I am, not judging, using SET and BIFF really seem to make things better.

One more thing, while she was talking yesterday she told me how angry and resentful she was at me.  While I think these feelings are misdirected (her anger originates from the delusions in her head), I was surprised she could verbally tell me in a fairly calm manner she was angry at me.

I accepted she was angry at me, reinforced that I understood she was angry at me and told her I was happy that she could tell me her feelings in a way I could understand, instead of doing some sort of "acting out", because when she does that I can not understand her.

My pregnant wife was in the hospital for a few nights with a bloody placental abruption.

I spoke to my divorce lawyer about this and for various reasons he thought it is best to wait on serving the divorce until after the baby is born and the physical health complications settle down.

I'm assisting my wife and being kind wherever I can.  As the intimiate part of our relationship has dissolved so has the drama and her dysfunctional behavior (and probably mine, too).  Last week I also took my youngest daughter to Europe for a few days and we had a blast. 

Whether a marriage succeeds or fails, you will always be a parent. |iiii

Any day is the due date for my daughter. 

My wife was episodic and continues to be.   I let her have her space and disregulate.  It's sad to see, but with each episode it affects me less and less. 

My lawyer said wait until after the delivery to serve her with the divorce.   There was a significant delay in my county getting a docket number, which took about 6 weeks after the filing.  Frustrating.

I see a clinical psychologist once every few weeks and have a very strong and supportive friend group.   I'm doing well under very sad circumstances. 

However, confirming paternity is a wise step.  After all, when you are at work...

In this case, you can state that your lawyer insists it is standard in contested divorces.  (Work this strategy out with him in advance, of course.  Perhaps your lawyer should be the one to bring it up to her lawyer, once she has one.)  In other words, you hired and are paying your lawyer and part of his job is to ensure needed details get accomplished even if he gets "blamed" for requiring it.

In case we didn't mention it before, one divorce handbook we've found most excellent is William Eddy's Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  It contains helpful insight and strategies to aid you in avoiding common pitfalls and misconceptions in the arcane legal world of family law and domestic courts.

What many of us have experienced is that a spouse, once notified of legal processes such as divorce, will overreact beyond all reason and in BlameShift mode will try to make you look even more worse than her.

Thank you for the advice.  I've read most of Eddy's book, and honestly it's one of the most depressing (yet likely very accurate) books I've ever read.  I'll finish it up as time permits. I'm reading "Raising Resilient Children..."  by Fjelstad now.  I think I'm doing well in a very difficult situation, at least so says my psychologist.

The psychologist does wonder if she will improve after delivery.  She was relatively stable in the year before conception.  That's a nice thought, but I think she will likely get worse.

She has already been in BlameShift mode for about a week now (it is strongest when the abandonment delusion is "triggered").  It's upsetting to see her so mentally ill with a baby in utero, but I can't change her...if she wants to rage out that's her decision.  Time for me to go make some coffee...it was funny, I was eating oatmeal in the kitchen and she was so angry.  I can't help but smirk, the horrors of low cholesterol breakfast!  I'm such an animal.  Of course, all of this is audio recordered.

I will be talking to the lawyer this morning regarding my rights once the baby is born.  I'm preparing for the worst and that custody will immediately become an issue. 

Mental illness ain't nothing to screw with (my parents were Cluster "B" & alcoholics).  One way I cope is allowing her mental illness to see the light of day.  Quite a bit of people, even her Latin American mother have seen the instability.  Again, if she wants to rage out that is her decision --and it is my decision not to entertain it. 

It is my New Year's Resolution to not entertain any electronic communications from her.

Happy New Year's everyone.  Next year will be better than this one, and I have the power to make it so.

Our baby was born via c-section a couple weeks ago.  Everything is healthy.  Mom has been relatively upbeat, but unfortunately seems to have botched the breast feeding (I know this tends to be more difficult with a c-section).

Discussed with Mom the lack of a relationship, the inability to have a healthy relationship with uncontrolled abandonment issues, lack of going to therapy and a summary of her behavior I found unacceptable during pregnancy and not in accordance with my values.  She did not accept any accountability, present interest in changing (therapy) or acknowledged the significance of her emotional swings and destructive behavior.  I told her how disappointed I was that she stopped going to therapy in the fall, and for me that where I stopped being interested in continuing the marriage.  This conversaion was civil without emotion on my part and no arguing.  She is who she is, I've come to accept through much pain and suffering on my part.

She will be served with divorce paperwork in 3-5 days.  Although I wish she was breast feeding, now that she isn't I suppose she can't make the argument the baby has a biological need to be with her exclusively. 

Even if she were breastfeeding, that alone does not give a mother exclusive possession of the baby.  Millions of mothers have circumstances where they cannot be with their baby exclusively.  Many have to return to work, are in split relationships, etc.  That is of course a very emotional claim but there are alternatives such as expressing the milk and keeping it cold or frozen to pass along at exchanges.

Many child experts agree that more frequent exchanges are good for babies and toddlers.  Older children up to about age 10 can have reduced exchanges such as a 2-2-3 schedule (2-2-5-5 across two weeks).  What actually gets ordered depends a lot on the state's official stance and recommended defaults.

Just had temp orders. My youngest is 1. She tried to have full legal and physical custody with DV accusations, Guardian found no evidence.

SO it was left at 60:40.  A phycologist is being brought in for a short study as I have now also made allegations of emotional abuse, financial abuse and verbal abuse. I have evidence though as she actually did these things. I wasn't going to go there as wanted to try and stay amicable for the kids and not trigger her, but figured to protect myself and children I better.

Wife did not manage to breast feed for more than 2 weeks with any of our children. What I would say is for some women it is hard, sometimes babies don't latch etc. So try to be kind with language like botched won't win you any friends in court/ or maybe from other women here. Also c section makes it loads harder like you said. We are not women so don't really understand. All I know is I fed my babies with a bottle from a young age and she tries to say I was uninvolved. Our last spent his first 3 days of life just with me, so I had a newborn a 5 and 7 to care for on my own.

The judge has just said she is uncredible in many ways, and it is credible I am an involved and present father.

So focus on that be involved. Just like you should anyway irrespective of divorce.

Anyway getting to my main point. She tried to have the children separated the 1 year old on a different schedule only with me for 1 night in 14. I made the point my children are very close and should not be separated. Judge agreed with me, even though there is a different statue for under 5s. He still gave her veto on education decisions! Like WTF!

So just because you have a baby doesn't mean you can't get custody. Are you around enough, can you care enough? The non breast milk does help as there is less reliance. But there is so much more to it.

One thing I'd note If I had brought these things up with my wife after just giving birth she may well have killed me (jk, or maybe not!). The hormones and post partum can be brutal for women as I understand. Doesn't mean you need to stay if she is BPD and abusive as that's not yours to own, but try to understand she may be even worse than normal and in more of a world of pain than normal. If you can be kind while going through this do your best. I have failed at that more times than I care to remember. But I did hold off making my own accusations for 6 months post filing to see if she would top with the nonsense and accusations , she didn't so I started responding. Respond don't react is my other 2 cents.

Thank you for all the advice.

As luck would have it she was served and low and behold is now going to see a clinical psychologist.  That's nice, I encourage it, I still want a divorce.

People being accountable and understanding they have agency in their life is necessary for me.  I understand woman have strong hormonal changes and emotions during pregnancy.   I empathize with these challenges.  But you know what?  It ain't my problem, it ain't my responsibility nor will I attempt to fix it.

As an adult, you have a right to reconsider your decision to end the marriage or not if circumstances change.  But the other seeking a therapy session is not assurance the therapy will continue nor that there will be sufficient improvements.

Therapy has not helped significantly.   The divorce continues. 

How can I increase my chances of getting primary custodial custody of our 3 month old daughter?

Also, I think my wife may be locking the door to her room with our baby inside.  We sleep in different areas of the house.   She can lock the door as she pleases,  but I’m not comfortable when the baby is in the room with her.  What can I do?

Not surprising that therapy has not seemed to turn things around after only 2 months. I'm not saying "it'll definitely turn around given time", just that even for "generally normal" persons, it takes a significant amount of time in therapy to address and then impact deep-rooted patterns and traumas. So I wouldn't necessarily read much into "it hasn't helped" because that seems typical given the timeline.

As far as you know, is she still attending?


What has your lawyer suggested? What is "boilerplate" for your county/region?

I'm assuming you are documenting your involvement with your baby?

Have you taken any kind of "infant parenting" class, or general parenting class, with documented attendance? When things were moving towards court with H and his kids' mom, he and I took a free 12 week in person parenting class offered through a local (faith based) counseling practice. The class signed off on attendance and was regarded as credible (not an "it was the first Google search result for a 2 hour Zoom class" thing).


Have you and your W had any discussion about this yet, even in terms basic stuff like "let's alternate who responds when she cries, it's your turn/my turn"?

Are you sure the door is getting locked (have you tried the handle)?

Does the baby have a nursery/her own room (some families do this, some don't, just curious)?

In which rooms are the baby monitors located? Who has access to listen to/look at the baby monitors?

Have you raised this with your lawyer yet?

Thank you for the reply.  She has been in and out of therapy for several years, usually post episode at my recommendation.  She tends to drop the therapist when the therapist "gets real".  She is attending her "backup" therapist now that tells her what she wants to hear (virtually).  This is difficult for me because I dealt with therapy seriously for my cluster-B issues and kept going, religiously, for years.

I keep a journal of all the daily events along with plenty of audio recordings.  Yes, I've documented my time and involvement...lots of pictures.  The boilerplate for my area is 50/50, but courts seem to dislike fathers.  I haven't specifically discussed this with my lawyer yet.  I find lawyers tell me what I want to hear; overpromise and underdeliver.

I haven't taken any parenting class.  I have two older kids from a previous marriage and they are doing well.  I'm civil with their Mom and we abide by the custody agreement without much drama.

Discussing things with my W is nearly impossible in an episode.  Everything turns into a lecture on what a horrible person I am, even when I try SET and other communication skills.

Yes, I can hear the door being locked and have gently tried to open it.  It is definitely being locked. 

She is ending her episode today and being a bit more cooperative.

We do have a nursery but the baby still sleeps with her.  I don't want to create disagreement or arguments when it isn't absolutely needed at this point in time.

In my area courts ordered parenting classes at the start of the divorce.  My ex was posing as the victim and so refused to attend the same class with me.  Then next it ordered us to attempt mediation there too.  The mediator had to assure her that he had the same status as an officer of the court or else she would have refused to be there.  (Mediation failed, as is typical so early in the case, the ex was too entitled to sincerely negotiate.)  She did insist that I remain behind while she departed, again posing as being afraid of me.  The insightful mediator quietly remarked to the air, "This woman has issues."

Right -- the purpose isn't necessarily "there must be something faulty about your parenting, you're the bad parent if you take a parenting class". It's more about demonstrating to the legal system that you are going above and beyond in your commitment to being the best possible parent for your child(ren). It's also about minimizing targets -- it's a harder hill to climb for her to say "he just doesn't know enough to parent an infant solo, so the baby should be with me 99.999999% of the time" when you have a third party professional documenting that Mr. Captain5024 attended 12/12 infant parenting classes and passed the final quiz. Of course, there's always new stuff to learn -- the class we went to had very helpful book recommendations -- so keep an open mind and see about doing that to add to how you present yourself to your lawyer, her lawyer, and the judge.

If you truly don't have time right now, then it is what it is -- though like FD said, parenting classes will happen for both of you at some point and likely thru the court system, it's very boilerplate. In our county they made sure that separating parents did not attend the same class.


What is she being cooperative about?

Are you able to leverage this cooperation in any way that benefits your time with/care of the baby?

Parenting classes are a generic and standard early step in the divorce process for both parents.

On the other hand, beware of pressure to get you to submit to "Anger Management".  That may have legal consequences for your future parenting and you would definitely need specific legal advice before crossing that bridge.

Doing some research I can not find any parenting class in my area.  There is an online course for the State of NJ online, but there is no test at the end. 

I do know a divorced friend that got involved in the "Anger Management" sideshow.  Yes, that seems best to be avoided.  Luckily I am very calm and very careful with my spouse.

The last couple days I've been spending more than enough time with our baby daughter.  My wife's moods and mouth change quickly, nothing is permanent. 

You can call your local Domestic court and they surely would tell you about parenting classes and whether they are expected before divorce filing or later once the court starts the process.  I did parenting classes after separation but while we did have an initial temp order regarding temp custody and temp parenting schedule I hadn't filed for actual divorce yet, so you may be putting this step out of the usual order?

If you haven't yet interviewed and selected a divorce attorney, then do so very privately and confidentially to minimize triggering your spouse prematurely.  You do NOT have to disclose to your spouse of a lawyer search.  You have a right to privacy and confidentiality in adult matters.

I have a lawyer.  She has already been served.  We can cohabitate and coparent in the same house for now, with different bedrooms.

My wife is 85% of the time the best wife/Mom in the world.  15% of the time she is a delusional, destructive terror.  Her episodes happen like clockwork about every 8 weeks.

The therapists and lawyers are somewhat stumped.  Why she doesn't get the help (since she isn't like this all the time, she isn't an addict, chronic depressive, etc.).  My limit is she needs to fix the destructiveness that comes with the dysregulation episodes (I can handle the dysregulation), I can't handle the destructiveness.  She refuses to do it, with at least some enabling from me in the past.  The professionals think her issue is controllable enough where the marriage can be saved, and they all understand why I want out for those that have witnessed it.

It's the main reason I kept going back...

Many professionals, if not most, are trained to look on the bright side.  And that does make sense, we want positivity in our experts.  However they also need to be pragmatic when faced with difficult facts.  At some point you conclude, "I've tried enough, now it's time to deal with the reality."

One approach that doesn't work in our cases is the Step Up plans where adequate behavior rewards with more time, yet doesn't factor in the need for Step Down when behavior reverts to the mean or prior patterns.  To undo the Up Only approach, both are needed so when it fails, you don't have to wait months for a court date to address the problem.

Can you please rephrase your second paragraph regarding Step Up and Step Down?   I don't understand. 

What I meant is that in some instances the court wants parenting time increased for one spouse but since there are concerns (addictions, drinking, drugs, poor behavior, etc) then it sets milestones to be met first before the next increase.

That's fine, but what if at some point the parent relapses?  What then?  In my experience, the court doesn't anticipate relapses.  So unless there is a parenting coordinator or other professional assigned to monitor progress vs relapses then the more normal parent typically would have to file to go back to court and wait, perhaps even months, to get the matter addressed.

This may be one of my minor personal pet peeves, but it could be a gotcha for those assuming everything will go according to the court's order.  Unfortunately, the failure rate with many pwBPD is not zero.

My wife said she wanted to reconcile and go to therapy.   I decided to entertain this request.   The joint therapy we went to was not productive, but she agreed to go individually.   Ok, fine.

I told my lawyer I wasn’t comfortable to cancel the divorce as we’ve been down this road before.   He agreed, and said eventually after months of no-productivity the divorce would be thrown out.  But, we both assumed we would never get there.

It took about 7 hours after I told my wife the divorce would sit, stagnant while she went to therapy and we will hope for the best.  She got so angry, it amazes me to this day how fast she can change.  She refuses to go to therapy.   Glad I didn’t have my hopes up.  I’ve been down that road before.

I strongly recommend she go to therapy tomorrow.   She won’t.  I’m happy to report the divorce continues and I behaved very well with her.   No anger, judgment, criticism.   I don’t invalidate and use SET and validate when possible.

It’s so empty and sad.   I worked on my cluster-B issues, but I knew I was different and wanted to get better.   She seems to have zero awareness.

One of my struggling thoughts I often think about why some people have awareness and seek meaningful mental help and change, while many others do not.  Any ideas?  Perhaps there are a wide range of reasons.

I've been seeing a male psychologist for my own benefit.  I've found I tend to get more help from male mental health professionals.  They have more empathy with the male plight, in addition their approach seems to be less B.S., in an industry which often seems overly feminine and ineffective.I

With that said, I have also recently seen our previous marital therapist, a woman.  She more clearly allows me to see and have empathy towards my soon to be ex-wife, identifying how the presenting behavior is completely different than what's going on inside of her, underneath the defense mechanisms and distorted thoughts.  That's helpful for me to develop patience and continue on the path of using SET, mirroring, labeling, not using "I" statements.  I need help with those things.

Sometimes these strategies do seem to help my wife.  She still talks and responds with a bunch of disordered, accusatory, unpleasant malarky, however it doesn't pass the line of out-of-control nuclear destruction. 

My line is crossed regarding her behavior.  Her emotions and disordered thinking are certainly not ideal, but that's her and she doesn't seem to think she needs help with that. 

I am working on trying to be as a positive influence as I can be around her, while holding my values and proceeding with the divorce.  It's a bit of a tight rope walk, but I do see with progress it becomes slightly easier with time.  Slightly.

My BPD spouse is preventing me from spending adequate time with our infant baby, allowing the baby to spend time with her half sisters, etc.

I have advised my lawyer of this.

What are some of my legal options, etc.?

Many here would tell you that when they canceled their divorce - the first time - it wasn't long before they were refiling.  Or, worse, the spouse was better prepared and this time the stbEx was in a better legal position.

Sadly, our small glimmer of hope to work things out can be manipulated into delays that resulted in us and our goals being sabotaged.  I'm not saying this is the case here, but delays or withdrawing a filing and later restarting it can end up with you worse off.


Once you have the first hearing for divorce you can expect a temp order that specifies the details of temp custody as well as a temp parenting schedule.  Only then will you have firm parenting time.  So the longer you put the case on hold, the longer you both share technically equal but unspecified parenting authority.  You can ask but she can refuse, just as she can ask but you can refuse.  It's essentially a stalemate until The Real Authority (court) issues a temp court order.

While a baby is small, a mother's influence on court orders can be stronger than a father's influence.

Is the baby being breastfed?  While that shouldn't be a huge issue in court, she may try to make it seem as though she can't be separated.  Yet courts handle this claim all the time and generally try to make it a non-issue.  Just as working mothers have learned to do when they go off to work, their breast milk can be expressed and frozen while they are apart.  It's a simple matter to pass milk along at the same time the infant is exchanged.

Last I looked, my local court has stated (but not obligatory) schedules for three age groups.  Nothing is a given but these are the examples in print.

• 0 to 3 years ... frequent exchanges, 2 or 3 per week
• 4 to 10-12 years ... often equal time such as a 2-2-3 schedule*
• teen years ... equal time may remain or one parent becomes the home base

* 2-2-3 schedule is Mon-Tue overnights for one parent, Wed-Thu overnights for the other parent and the parents alternate weekends with Fri-Sat-Sun overnights.

Be aware that the parent with more time scheduled is considered the Residential parent or Primary parent and typically the one granted more authority in parenting decisions unless exceptions are clearly spelled out in the orders.

I'm glad I didn't delay the divorce.  She couldn't even handle two days going to a legitimate therapist.  She demanded I cancel the divorce or she wouldn't continue to go to therapy.  That demand was a non-starter.

I'll talk with my lawyer tomorrow about custody issues.  My wife does not breastfeed.  I have an irregular schedule, I can work for 4-6 days in a row and then be off for a week, sometimes I am only off 2 days in a row, then work for 2 days, etc.  I have a lot of time off but the days of the month vary considerably.  I hope this does not work against me.

Police, firemen, paramedics, medical professionals and many other categories have non-standard working schedules that include weekends.  Most schedules are designed for alternate weekends, but exceptions are  not uncommon.  Your lawyer should confirm your schedule can be accommodated.  The point is that you want frequent visits, not occasional ones.

A dream order is on where you get more than 50% time and at least joint custody.  Not likely to happen with an oppositional wife but aim for that.  The goal is to get a "less bad" temp order.

If she claims you're not an involved father then you or your lawyer state she has been obstructing you.  (Hopefully you have a list of when she has sidelined or refused you parenting, just in case you need to support that.)

We here, including you and me, are proud of our excellent sense of fairness, going out of our way to exhibit generosity, etc.  In high conflict cases, that otherwise excellent quality can sabotage us.  It might incline us to show how generous we are, offering the stbEx more than is wise.

Be aware that court will not award you points or credit if you defer to your stbEx such as agreeing to minimal parenting.  It will not care unless you're nasty or acting underhanded.  You don't have to agree with her self-oriented perceptions.  Yes, court might not order a fair split of time and authority, but don't offer yourself up on the chopping block either, so to speak.

If you're parenting has been largely blocked, ask your judge to address that in your temp order, but even that may not happen.  Stating that you want to be an involved father (but she is making it difficult) is a good thing.  Your baby needs a father.


If there is any doubt in your mind about being the father, now is a good time to settle that with a paternity test.  Don't do it to question her fidelity, just state that's to make clear you're the father.

This sense of fairness, what do you attribute it to?   Because in this relationship it is my Achilles heel.

I believe most if not all members here also have that inclination to be overly-fair (to our detriment).  It might even be a factor in why we got into these relationships, feeling like damsel-in-distress Nell's savior Dudley Do-Right of the RCMP.  We have had to learn to keep that fairness urge under control lest we be sabotaged.  We can still have integrity and limited fairness yet not expose ourselves blindly to risks of sabotage.

This reminds me when, a few years after my divorce, shared parenting had failed and I was about to get full custody, that I lamented to my son's Guardian ad Litem (GAL or child's lawyer) that I just wished my ex would just get married and stop being so problematic with me.  Her reply?  "No one will marry her."  That was 15 years ago and I've remembered that ever since.

I had married her many years before, before her problematic perspective and behaviors developed, back when I thought I'd saved her from her bad childhood.  Not only would I agree with the GAL, I also think she would never be satisfied to have a relationship with other men.  Either she wouldn't approve of them or they wouldn't  approve of her, long term.

I perceive this dynamic, at least initially -- as having shades of martyrdom and covert narcissism.   What do you think? 

I have often found women that I thought needed "saving".   Sacrificing myself to save someone else.  It's a nice fantasy, but it isn't true or healthy. 

My current marriage (and divorce) is no exception, unfortunately.

My wife finally got her act together a bit, unfortunately she responded to my request for Primary Custodial Custody with a claim for Full Custody. 

That disappoints me because playing custody games is, in my mind, such a vile and self-centered action (assuming there is no compounding issue like addiction or violence) any sort of amicable relationship now or in the future is likely impossible. 

Oh well.   I'm willing to go bankrupt over this. 

I misspoke, my initial filing was:

b) Granting the parties Joint legal custody of the minor child(ren); (c) Granting the Plaintiff Residential Custody of the minor child(ren) and for the Plaintiff to be designated as the Parent of Primary Residence the Defendant to be designated Parent of Alternate ;

Her response was:

“B) Aw a r d i n g full legal c u s t o d y of the u n e m a n c i p a t e d c h i l d of
t h e m a r r i a g e pursuant t o N.J.S.A. 9 : 2 - 4 and p h y s i c a l r e s i d e n t i a l
• c u s t o d y to D e f e n d a n t ;
(C) Awarding r i g h t s of p a r e n t i n g for t h e P l a i n t i f f ;”

Poor choices which have infinite consequences.  My apologies for the formatting.

Her response is predictable.

I sometimes warn that when we file for equal time (sounds "fair", right?) then expect the disordered parent to seek 99%.  This risk of being overly fair is the judge could very well decide to split the difference and all you'd get is alternate weekends.

Beware of default temp orders.  Judges have been prone in the past to default to preference for mothers.  For example, consider my separation temp order and then later my divorce temp order.  While my ex was facing a Threat of DV case, she went to family court and walked out with temp custody and majority time.  I was tuck with no temp custody and alternate weekends to parent.  It didn't get better until my divorce was final two years later.  I was stunned.  That's how I learned courts can view a parent as two people - where the adult relationship is assumed to have little or no impact on the parenting relationship.

If I had to guess, I would think her goal is to move the child about 1,000 miles away to a state where we met. 

Luckily, I've heard my state won't allow that except in instances where I am a incapable father because of addiction and/or abuse.  50/50 isn't guarantee in my state, but it seems to be what is commonly done. 

We shall see. 

Ironically, my lawyer moved away from Primary Custodial Custody (I really can't do that anyway because of my employment) because it wouldn't be positively seen and absorbed, or so he thought.

I'm curious, how do you suggest I proceed?

Let me try to explain this by perspectives.  The perspective of the court versus the perspective of the litigants.  (Others here may contribute other explanations.)

The court professes to know nothing about us.  Also, due to the caseload, they have limited time to devote to an initial hearing to set a temp order.  My temp order hearing was scheduled for a mere half hour.  There was no way to dig deep into our discord, conflict, parenting, etc.  So basically the court's attention is on guiding the litigants into a structure to continue during the divorce process.  The judge has to make a decision on which parent gets how much custody and how much parenting time.  Also, the court order will be the court's version of Boundaries or limits on each parent such as you can't (in most cases) totally block the other parent's parenting or decision making.  And all that in a short amount of time.

Several decades ago there was a Tender Years Doctrine where it was said that mothers were described as the better parents for children.  (Of course, reality forces us to admit that individual parents, both mothers and fathers, exist on a spectrum ranging from Good to Poor.)  In recent decades that has shifted away and as a result more courts are willing to default to equal time and responsibility.

Now the litigants' perspectives.  Each has their wants, wishes and whatever.  In general, an acting-out disordered ex is centered on self, selfish interests, whereas a reasonably normal parent wants the all-around best, especially for the children.

But time is your enemy, there is so little time in the temp order hearing.  Rather than distract the court with the adult discord or complaints, focus on the practicalities of what would benefit the children the most.  Yes, the other's behavior is a factor but highlight the needs of the child, what most impacts the children.

You likely won't walk out with a great order but in light of the predictable blaming of the ex, try to have it be as "less bad" as possible.

One regret I had with my temp order was that no one, not either of our lawyers nor the magistrate, was inclined to modify the temp order during our two year divorce.  As my lawyer said, "We'll fix it later."  Well, yes, it was fixed, however that was at the end in the final decree.  That was two long years of a child's life - from age 4 to age 6.

I have no idea whether you can insert a clause in the temp order to allow for periodic adjustments.  My sense is all the professionals would dismiss that idea since, of course, "It's only a temporary order.  Our sort of cases often take a longer time to resolve. :(