Harrasing Texts

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I am tempted to file a protective order against my ex. He is still abusive via text and well, any time there is a conversation about summer possession and or really anything recently like benefits (insurance he's going to provide for the kids), etc.
He sends texts saying that he sent an email and I didn't respond. Well, he didn't send the email and I did respond but he didn't like my response.

It's going on the third year that we will have joint custody and we are "in talks" about Summer 2022. He's insistent that in 2022 he gets 8 out of the 12 weekends and it was something like that last year too he insisted he got, and he said he got the standard 30 days and 4 weekends plus 2 more. But, there is nothing that states that in the decree about getting two more weekends, it only says Jul 1 -30 and 10 days so I guess some could fall on a weekend. But that being said so not sure how in 2022 he would get 8 of the 12 weekends. He does of course make up rules that serve his purpose and insisted that's what the decree said and he lawyer told him that as well. So to make sure I know what's going on I talked to my lawyer and him getting 8 weekends is not at all correct, they don't count it in weekends, they count it in time, it's total 40 days. I emailed him I talked to my lawyer and that if he needs to check with his he should do so. So this has been going on now for two summers and now he's planning for next summer, so, that's great to be able to plan ahead but he's NOT NICE about it in texts or in emails recently. I mean really not nice! And he has not put me down as the beneficiary on the life insurance and that's required per the degree. So, I am trying to straighten out the summer planning only to find out that I am not the beneficiary.

So I send a text after he told me "my lawyer is stupid" in several texts earlier that day, my text said that the beneficiary is not correct and he writes back "up yours," last night.  Well, that is super inappropriate and we are not in that type of relationship, we are divorced and it should be business like. And it's an error on his part so that doesn't deserve that type of response. So that was my last straw last night, I want the texting to end completely.

In an effort to sorts things out, I mention I chatted with my lawyer in an email and he then started with a barrage of texts after he read my email yesterday, but I write I can't talk until later in the day and to stop writing me harrassing text messages. And then when I check my email and see the mistake on the beneficiary I text to make sure he knows, and the response is "up yours."

I work at a front desk and can't make personal calls and especially one to him because at any point it could get nasty. I talked to him initially on the phone, about a two weeks ago, all about summer and said just send over your proposed dates and a camp and I wrote back some questions about who gets the weekend before and after the camp. And then after that he writes he gets 8 weekends in 2022. So when I write back that's not right I talked to my lawyer the harrassment starts via text. The emails from him were not nice either.

So I'd like to file a protective order to stop the harrassment but how does that work when you have to work out child custody issues? Do you only then email? We were supposed to use and app per the decree but he refused to use it, so then maybe we only use the app? I will call my lawyer just to ask her some of these questions but that's not until Monday and I have to go pick up the kids tomorrow. I am scared of him still and wondering what I can do to protect myself against this harrassment.

I am also concerned when I go pick them up how he'll be. I am considering having the police there. I also don't like going there to pick them up at his house and want to know can we switch it to a public place? Does that have to be reflected in the decree?

But it really escalated fast after I said that the 8 weekends was not correct and I talked to a lawyer which I thought he might not like but then would just try and work it out. Not sure why this "flare up" is happening. But, maybe for a reason so then I can finally get him to stop and file a PO. It wears on you when you go and look at your phone if you'll see something threatening in your text messages. I want it to end. Also, I don't cherish the phone calls and they had been going along pretty ok, but, let me tell you I don't like talking to him at all. The last conversation that was bad there was yelling that I didn't know what was in the decree related to last summer's schedule. But, of course after that I had checked and then double checked this year. In his mind it's a certain way and only that way. And it worked itself out that we got somewhat even weekends last summer. But, after all of that I wrote emails saying this is great we worked this out and let's keep it in mind that we get even weekends and again like many times he doesn't write back and say that he's in agreement with it. And while I am writing this I realize he also wanted to switch the schedule in October and that he for sure had halloween. And I have a spreadsheet and calendar made with holidays and sent that off to him, he's had it for over a year and he didn't have Halloween. But, again no writing back that he had agreed. And that led to a bunch of nasty texts just a few weeks ago as well.

And that being said I hate going to pick up the kids and have to make chit chat. I am not his friend and never will be.

It seems like he wants to get in an argument with me (as always) and I am diplomatic and write back logical things and I never write back nasty texts, only something that said "don't accuse me of not responding if I didn't get an email." But obviously he likes to fight with me his target but I am really not into anymore and only want the facts and to know the schedule for the summer. And I REALLY want the harrassment to stop especially via text. But if he were to have gotten a hold of me he would have yelled too I am sure.

[12years]

I am tempted to file a protective order against my ex. He is still abusive via text and well, any time there is a conversation about summer possession and or really anything recently like benefits (insurance he's going to provide for the kids), etc.
He sends texts saying that he sent an email and I didn't respond. Well, he didn't send the email and I did respond but he didn't like my response.

It's going on the third year that we will have joint custody and we are "in talks" about Summer 2022. He's insistent that in 2022 he gets 8 out of the 12 weekends and it was something like that last year too he insisted he got, and he said he got the standard 30 days and 4 weekends plus 2 more. But, there is nothing that states that in the decree about getting two more weekends, it only says Jul 1 -30 and 10 days so I guess some could fall on a weekend. But that being said so not sure how in 2022 he would get 8 of the 12 weekends. He does of course make up rules that serve his purpose and insisted that's what the decree said and he lawyer told him that as well. So to make sure I know what's going on I talked to my lawyer and him getting 8 weekends is not at all correct, they don't count it in weekends, they count it in time, it's total 40 days. I emailed him I talked to my lawyer and that if he needs to check with his he should do so. So this has been going on now for two summers and now he's planning for next summer, so, that's great to be able to plan ahead but he's NOT NICE about it in texts or in emails recently. I mean really not nice! And he has not put me down as the beneficiary on the life insurance and that's required per the degree. So, I am trying to straighten out the summer planning only to find out that I am not the beneficiary.

So I send a text after he told me "my lawyer is stupid" in several texts earlier that day, my text said that the beneficiary is not correct and he writes back "up yours," last night.  Well, that is super inappropriate and we are not in that type of relationship, we are divorced and it should be business like. And it's an error on his part so that doesn't deserve that type of response. So that was my last straw last night, I want the texting to end completely.

In an effort to sorts things out, I mention I chatted with my lawyer in an email and he then started with a barrage of texts after he read my email yesterday, but I write I can't talk until later in the day and to stop writing me harrassing text messages. And then when I check my email and see the mistake on the beneficiary I text to make sure he knows, and the response is "up yours."

I work at a front desk and can't make personal calls and especially one to him because at any point it could get nasty. I talked to him initially on the phone, about a two weeks ago, all about summer and said just send over your proposed dates and a camp and I wrote back some questions about who gets the weekend before and after the camp. And then after that he writes he gets 8 weekends in 2022. So when I write back that's not right I talked to my lawyer the harrassment starts via text. The emails from him were not nice either.

So I'd like to file a protective order to stop the harrassment but how does that work when you have to work out child custody issues? Do you only then email? We were supposed to use and app per the decree but he refused to use it, so then maybe we only use the app? I will call my lawyer just to ask her some of these questions but that's not until Monday and I have to go pick up the kids tomorrow. I am scared of him still and wondering what I can do to protect myself against this harrassment.

I am also concerned when I go pick them up how he'll be. I am considering having the police there. I also don't like going there to pick them up at his house and want to know can we switch it to a public place? Does that have to be reflected in the decree?

But it really escalated fast after I said that the 8 weekends was not correct and I talked to a lawyer which I thought he might not like but then would just try and work it out. Not sure why this "flare up" is happening. But, maybe for a reason so then I can finally get him to stop and file a PO. It wears on you when you go and look at your phone if you'll see something threatening in your text messages. I want it to end. Also, I don't cherish the phone calls and they had been going along pretty ok, but, let me tell you I don't like talking to him at all. The last conversation that was bad there was yelling that I didn't know what was in the decree related to last summer's schedule. But, of course after that I had checked and then double checked this year. In his mind it's a certain way and only that way. And it worked itself out that we got somewhat even weekends last summer. But, after all of that I wrote emails saying this is great we worked this out and let's keep it in mind that we get even weekends and again like many times he doesn't write back and say that he's in agreement with it. And while I am writing this I realize he also wanted to switch the schedule in October and that he for sure had halloween. And I have a spreadsheet and calendar made with holidays and sent that off to him, he's had it for over a year and he didn't have Halloween. But, again no writing back that he had agreed. And that led to a bunch of nasty texts just a few weeks ago as well.

And that being said I hate going to pick up the kids and have to make chit chat. I am not his friend and never will be.

It seems like he wants to get in an argument with me (as always) and I am diplomatic and write back logical things and I never write back nasty texts, only something that said "don't accuse me of not responding if I didn't get an email." But obviously he likes to fight with me his target but I am really not into anymore and only want the facts and to know the schedule for the summer. And I REALLY want the harrassment to stop especially via text. But if he were to have gotten a hold of me he would have yelled too I am sure.

[GaGrl]

Are you prepared to go back to court to have him held in contempt for not following the court order. He should be using the ordered communications site, which would solve many of your issues -- or provide documentation if/when he doesn't. And you could get clarification on schedules in the summer -- clarification to him, since he is challenging it -- as well as changing pickup and drop off location to a public place.

If you aren't wanting to go that far, talk to your lawyer about other options. Perhaps a formal letter from your lawyer to him, copied to his lawyer, with a conversation between lawyers beforehand, so his lawyer is ready for his reaction.

[12years]

GaGrl-
Yes, I am going to talk to my lawyer on Monday.

And I was rambling on quite a bit, but, I am sure I have clarification on the summer and he is incorrect. So I will direct him back to his lawyer.

But I am interested in the PO, I would be ready to go to court. I think it would scare the s@#& out of him that I am filing something like that. I really need the texting to stop and for him to get a clear message that I am not his target anymore.

I know people are not lawyers on this site, but just trying to hear about similar situations and know some of it before I walk into a landmine. Ha! I already have!

[GaGrl]

You know your ex better than anyone, I suspect.

If you tell your lawyer what has happened and what you expect going forward, his/her expertise can guide you step by step.

Sometimes a bully needs to be confronted.

[CoherentMoose]

Consider having your lawyer send him an email highlighting what is in the court order.  Have your lawyer state you will follow the court order, and if he wants a change to the parenting schedule, to request a formal temporary change for this summer through his legal representation.  State you will address his request at that point.  A more formal way of saying "No thank you" and clearly stating you will follow the court order.  Good luck.  CoMo

[12years]

Thank you, CoMo. It's forever confounding to have to deal with this. But I always appreciate advice and really take it into consideration as I feel us in this group have been though it and may know a thing or two.

[CoherentMoose]

You are welcome.  And it is confounding; but unfortunately, part and parcel of dealing with BPD and their bullying behaviors.  We're fortunate in that my fiancé's xBPDh doesn't have the financial resources to attempt continued bullying through the courts and tends to back off when we get lawyers involved.  He's got a good lawyer who tells him he will lose if it goes to court.  So far, that is helping us navigate some serious issues like getting her children into counseling. 

Keep folks posted here on your efforts when you have time.  Your story will help others.  CoMo

[12years]

Ok, so I am getting back to you all about what happened. So, after the email requesting he fix the life insurance so that I am to be the 100 % beneficiary, (he had named the kids 50/50) and then the text saying "up yours" when I asked about the life insurance, I did go to my lawyer. And we came up with a letter saying he needs to make me 100%. I had not sent it yet, but, just recently I asked again via email and verbally, are you going to change it to have me as 100%, and he said some stuff about HR said I wasn't in the system anymore as I shouldn't be as we are divorced, so I couldn't be made the beneficiary. But you should be able to name whoever as your beneficiary and they don't need to be "in the system." Everything is always someone else's fault! So, I guess I am going to have the lawyer send the letter. He really doesn't care about anyone else but himself. And having the kids named 50/50 isn't really a good way to go as I read online. I did give him the opportunity to remedy the situation but when we spoke it seemed he didn't or wasn't going to fix it. I could tell from the way he spoke. And I could tell he was annoyed at himself or didn't like being told that it's not right, anyone could be named beneficiary and he should fix it. But who cares! I sent one last email saying "Let me know you talked to HR to name me the 100% beneficiary." There has been no response.
 
So the letter will be sent and then there will harassing texts next. So, just to let you know to remedy that situation I had the lawyer draft another letter saying he can only speak to me through the app designated in the decree. So if he harasses me again, I can send that letter. So when and if I want to look at his correspondence it's through an app that can be monitored by a third party. He of course, never used the app prescribed.   So it's like playing the two last cards. But, of course the "game" will keep going.

[ForeverDad]

In my state I was told minors can't directly be named as beneficiaries.  The way I resolved it was to list mine as beneficiary "in trust for (child) pursuant to will dated m/d/y."  That was me as the responsible parent.  I never knew my ex's finances, and she was unlikely to have life insurance.

[12years]

Yes, that is the case so that is why I have to get it changed, Forever Dad. Thanks for the validation!

[12years]

I know, I know the saga goes on. I realized I did not write about the summer vacation. I think I wrote I went to the lawyer and that is what set him off. But, he was supposed to get 7 weekends and I got 5. But it's really the amount of days involved. I got clarification from the lawyer, wrote that to him and that's when the harassing texts started. In that same time frame I had figured out I was not named in life insurance. If he croaks, it's $750,000 on the line and he knows it. It was like he rubbed it in how much money he has for life insurance and in the 401K and I should be lucky to get it! Right now as far as the decree I am only getting life insurance!

I really appreciate any comments any of you make to me, I know it's sometimes hard to follow me. I still have "trauma brain." I am hoping to hop on here and make comments to others and I realize I may have quite a bit of info that could be useful to others! I am making that a goal!