BPDFamily.com

My BPD partner is a truck driver so away all week. We had plans to spend the day he got home together (his suggestion) but then he sent a text saying his mate had asked him over for a drink so he was going there, I was invited too. He doesn’t make friends easy so I know he would have been excited by the invitation. I’m heading overseas next weekend for a month so it really hurt that he cancelled our plans without even a discussion. If he had called we could have worked around him having a drink & spending time together. I voiced to him that I am often left feeling I’m not a priority in his life. It really hurt he changed plans for the last day we were to have alone before my trip. How do others get around this? Are you often left being treated like time together is not a priority? . We currently live apart (my choice) but have been seeing each other for 5 months after a 4yr break. He wants to live together but I feel it pointless unless we can both learn to deal with issues arising. Instead of acknowledging my hurt he has seen it as me not wanting him to spend time with mates. I have always supported him hanging out with mates except on this occasion.

I understand how you feel. For us, this is often the case.. our feelings and needs are often not prioritised. I am new too and still trying to figure out how to make my needs heard. The key thing that i understand is to assert boundaries without getting into the emotional drama. Do not take his action personally, he acts out of his BPD many of the time, even though i know it's very difficult for us oftentimes. Take care of your mental health, I am trying to do so too.

My BPD ex-wife was notorious for doing this and it was my biggest frustration.  We'd have plans, her brother would call to ask a favor, and off she'd go saying she'd be back in an hour.  Ten hours later, the day is wasted, I'm mad, and she can't understand why it would bother me when she finally arrived home.

Like you, I was often invited to go along for whatever friend or family member needed her.  And it wasn't that I didn't like them, I just wasn't in the habit of canceling everything I had to do in order to help someone wash their dog, bake cupcakes, or cut their lawn.  Because this was almost every day of our lives, and every single weekend. 

It drove me nuts when my ex would spin it around on me being anti-social, not caring about her family, or not supporting her.

For practical advice, I have very little to give other than saying to choose your fights and double-down when it's actually important to you (the weekend before a 30 day trip would qualify).  Also, make sure to be vocal that you're not upset about him seeing <whoever>, as long as you're given enough notice and it's not cancelling something important in your own lives.

For this particular instance, I would talk about how much I'll miss him and wished that we could spend a day together just before I left.  Let him come to the conclusion that the random drink with a new friend isn't the most important thing for that day. 

If you suggest it, you're the villain in his mind.  If he realizes it himself, then he's the smooth, super caring partner that saved the day.  So encourage him to be the hero.