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Well it came back after a good year, my (suspected BPD) SAHM wife wants a divorce, and I’m on a deployment for 2 more months. She hadn’t said a word to me for 3 days until I finally confronted her about that. That’s when it came out. She wants a divorce. 3rd time in 2 years she’s done this, and I’ve fought to get her back every time.

To her I’m basically moody, suck the energy out the room, selfish, and she’s not happy. I’ve had my faults, my flubs (never cheated), but so hasn’t she (big ones such as talking to other men). She says since I’ve been gone I leaned too much onto to her for emotional support, felt like she was my mom “pep talking” me. I got upset with her one night over an issue she’s having that she lied to me about, I asked why did she lie to me? That’s when she said I make everything about myself….which I felt bad that I made her feel that way, I cried and said that’s not how a husband should make his wife feel, to which later on she said I made it about myself again. I can’t win.

After that incident she got distant, colder, and I started freaking out. She was taking forever to reply to messages which is unlike her and eventually I kept calling and texting her if I had upset her, I was having a panic attack. She finally answered the phone pissed off and said she has her own life too and she can’t be there for me all the time. I understand that of course, but it’s like she didn’t realize our history of her leaving me and how that can make me feel anxious. That panic attack I had apparently caused her to detach from me, as she says. And now everything bad in our relationship is present in her eyes. She says she acknowledges the good but she’s done with me.

I began to wonder if I really did fail her, I’ve before I left several months ago, she was crying and was gonna miss me so much. 2 weeks ago she sent me a message how wonderful of a man I am. We talked about our marriage too while I’ve been gone and she said we can’t give ourselves options, we’re always in. Now I feel like a piece of PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm) who wasn’t meeting her needs, I’m reflecting on every moment I could have done better. Now I have to stew on this for 2 more months without my kids.

She says this deployment showed her she can be lonely and that the marriage is essentially no good. That life is better without me.

Ive tried my best, im not the best, i have normal human emotions, and yes i do have anxiety (especially revolving our relationship). Im not home now but I help with the kids, cook, clean, laundry, etc…make sure she’s comfortable. She could go to the store, get her Starbucks, shop on amazon. I’d scrub and message your feet whenever she wanted. Get her gifts and send flowers. I never wanted to pressure her on anything, such as getting a job or not, it was her decision. I’d overlook her flaws because I love her. Point being, I feel like I tried.

Honestly maybe it was not enough emotionally for her, and maybe I did fail there.

Hi, and welcome.  I read through your post and have a couple thoughts.  I'll respond below. 


Do you think she'd actually leave if you didn't fight to get her back? 

How do you feel about this?  Do you like having to chase her?  Do you feel you screwed up, or do you feel she's treating you unfairly here?  If she truly has BPD, you're not going to ever make her happy in a meaningful way; she's "wired" to make you chase her.  The only time she'll feel wanted and satisfied is when you're chasing. 

If you're unhappy with the situation - and I assume you are because you're posting here - you need to start thinking about why and what you want.  You gotta know yourself first, or you'll end up in thrall to the BPD person's whims.


So you caught her lying, and when you called her out on this, she spun it back as you making it about yourself.  That's a neat trick on her part, but you can't let that end it. 

This goes back to my point about understanding yourself and your needs first.  What was your goal in calling her out for lying?  You wanted her to stop lying?  Did you hope she'd admit the truth?  Whatever it was, you can't let them deflect responsibility for that kind of thing by verbal tricks like that.  Stay focused on what you need. 

Maybe you were hoping she'd admit it (?) as that would be a step toward re-building trust.  Instead she did possibly the least trustworthy thing possible by trying to dodge responsibility for her actions.  I think you know what this means: she's going to keep doing it, and keep lying to you about it. 


Don't fall into this sort of thinking.  I did that sometimes in my marriage, i.e. trying to think of there being some "standard" out there, and whether or not I met it, and whether or not our marriage was typical or whether it was toxic.  If you're doing that already, I think it's a sign things are not okay.  Again, don't focus on subjective things like "am I good enough" ... she married you.  You are who you are.  If she can't accept that, it's on her.  You're not asking her to change are you?  You're meeting her more than halfway and chasing after her.  It sounds like you're doing more than your share of maintaining the relationship.  Focus on your and your family's needs.  Is she meeting them?  If not, you need to find a way to communicate this and decide whether it's worth continuing this or if it's time to let her go. 

Or you're appeasing... or you're apologizing.  Lots of effort but no real progress, in essence you're doing a Sisyphus, the mythological man cursed with the task to daily roll a boulder up a mountain only for it to roll back down.


Borderline is a disorder of close relationships.  People on the periphery will notice something "off" but not be very impacted.  But you are and so are any children in the family.  Unfortunately, you're right there, in private scenarios at home behind closed doors and she feels it's okay to "let her hair down" and vent, berate, disparage and blame you.  Yet she resists truly listening to you due to the baggage of the emotional relationship.

What can improve the dynamic?  If your spouse would begin meaningful therapy with a person who has no skin in the game, no emotional connection, and apply it diligently in her life, thinking and perceptions.  Even that is a Big If.


Currently you have a dysfunctional and unhealthy dynamic.  And it's been that way for years.  Although we do have a Link |---> Tools & Skills Workshops board (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=329744.0) to educate ourselves, your spouse is very unlikely to agree to and diligently work on a functional and healthy dynamic, either with your input or by herself.