Hi, and welcome. I read through your post and have a couple thoughts. I'll respond below.
Well it came back after a good year, my (suspected BPD) SAHM wife wants a divorce, and I’m on a deployment for 2 more months. She hadn’t said a word to me for 3 days until I finally confronted her about that. That’s when it came out. She wants a divorce. 3rd time in 2 years she’s done this, and I’ve fought to get her back every time. ...
Do you think she'd actually leave if you didn't fight to get her back?
How do you feel about this? Do you like having to chase her? Do you feel you screwed up, or do you feel she's treating you unfairly here? If she truly has BPD, you're not going to ever make her happy in a meaningful way; she's "wired" to make you chase her. The only time she'll feel wanted and satisfied is when you're chasing.
If you're unhappy with the situation - and I assume you are because you're posting here - you need to start thinking about why and what you want. You gotta know yourself first, or you'll end up in thrall to the BPD person's whims.
To her I’m basically moody, suck the energy out the room, selfish, and she’s not happy. I’ve had my faults, my flubs (never cheated), but so hasn’t she (big ones such as talking to other men). She says since I’ve been gone I leaned too much onto to her for emotional support, felt like she was my mom “pep talking” me. I got upset with her one night over an issue she’s having that she lied to me about, I asked why did she lie to me? That’s when she said I make everything about myself….which I felt bad that I made her feel that way, I cried and said that’s not how a husband should make his wife feel, to which later on she said I made it about myself again. I can’t win. ...
So you caught her lying, and when you called her out on this, she spun it back as you making it about yourself. That's a neat trick on her part, but you can't let that end it.
This goes back to my point about understanding yourself and your needs first. What was your goal in calling her out for lying? You wanted her to stop lying? Did you hope she'd admit the truth? Whatever it was, you can't let them deflect responsibility for that kind of thing by verbal tricks like that. Stay focused on what you need.
Maybe you were hoping she'd admit it (?) as that would be a step toward re-building trust. Instead she did possibly the least trustworthy thing possible by trying to dodge responsibility for her actions. I think you know what this means: she's going to keep doing it, and keep lying to you about it.
Honestly maybe it was not enough emotionally for her, and maybe I did fail there.
Don't fall into this sort of thinking. I did that sometimes in my marriage, i.e. trying to think of there being some "standard" out there, and whether or not I met it, and whether or not our marriage was typical or whether it was toxic. If you're doing that already, I think it's a sign things are not okay. Again, don't focus on subjective things like "am I good enough" ... she married you. You are who you are. If she can't accept that, it's on her. You're not asking her to change are you? You're meeting her more than halfway and chasing after her. It sounds like you're doing more than your share of maintaining the relationship. Focus on your and your family's needs. Is she meeting them? If not, you need to find a way to communicate this and decide whether it's worth continuing this or if it's time to let her go.
