BPDFamily.com

Hey all,

I have to say that I'm getting worried that my attorney isn't being aggressive enough or maybe I'm wrong?  I learned from my son that my wife told her kids that I'm bi-polar and come home high all the time?  She also put a life size doll with lipstick all crazy on it in my bed and the list of crazy stuff goes on and on?

What kind of effect does aggressive attorney have with BPD/NPD or does this just drive them to get even crazier?

Thanks,

NS

Hey NewStart.

How long have you been working with your attorney? Have you asked your current attorney how much experience he/she has working cases with a BPD spouse involved, what sorts of strategies they employ and what sorts of results they have obtained? If you hear vague answers, odds are he/she has no established strategy. If you hear specifics, you may have someone that can help you. You also can interview other lawyers in your area to see how they respond to those questions.

The parental alienation is concerning. The life size doll with lipstick thing is just weird. 

Well I think mine came through with a good plan when I told him my concerns today.  He said we need to stand strong and take the offensive and just push for court date as then my uBPD/NPDw will have to put all her cards on the table and stop making threats.  He said he's seen it before and she will just drive up the attorney fees going in circles so get her to put up or shut up and get to court sooner than later.  He finished with don't be afraid that she'll be upset and try to take more as she was going to do that either way.

Thoughts on his strategy?

NS

Get the book Splitting: a guide to divorcing someone with BPD, hands down the best resource I've found.  If you apply Bill Eddys strategies it will change your whole approach for the better.  He talks about the perfect approach in everything with a BPD being the "assertive" approach.  Aggressive will backfire and passive will too, assertive is spot to be.  He gives tons of examples on what assertive looks and sounds like.  He also has great advice on how to pick a lawyer, good luck!

Hard to tell from the details you have given.

The more you can get nailed down before court... .the better.  However, the general strategy of getting them into court to show their cards is valid... .assuming you guys are prepared. 

If you rush to trial... but you aren't ready... .bad bad bad.  You aren't worried it they are ready.

Good luck... and read that book Splitting. 

FF

Yes... .this makes sense to push for trial.  Especially if you can "prove" they are holding back on discovery.

Even if a "motion to compel" is produced... .there will be some time for them to comply.

But... generally speaking... .faster to trial means faster to discovery... .and faster to settlement.

FF

This is my hope exactly and it feels like I've turned a page today and am feeling a bit better about things. 

Yes, she is going to most likely be vindictive and take everything she can, but I can't do anything about that other than be as prepared as possible.  The page I feel like I've turned is that I'm not going to engage her behaviors and I am going to be the nice person I am through this process and maybe, just maybe, as things approach settlement she will back off the gas a least a little and try to at least be somewhat fare.  Like our mediator (who she said was a crackpot) said, "In the best settlements unfortunately nobody really will feel like they came out a winner, but importantly nobody will feel like they got taken... ."

The crazy part is we're only at the financial settlement phase, I can't even begin to imagine what the real property split piece is going to look like?  She's already thrown things like my mountain bikes, skis and surfboards out there... .yeah, just to be punitive she's posturing like she's going to try to have a claim to assets like those... .with her, especially if the house/financial piece doesn't go as she planned, it's going to be a fight down every last random dish and spoon.

I've been thinking about how to broach the subject of BPD with my attorney, he already has heard the stories and thinks she off her rocker, but I haven't mentioned BPD specifically.  I

NS

Does she have a diagnosis? 

If so... .freely share that with your attorney.  With a good attorney client relationship... .the client should be wide open, attorney will be the filter about what gets disclosed to others.

If there is not diagnosis... .let him know it is "like" BPD... .or BPDish symptoms. 

Honestly... .diagnosis doesn't matter.  This is really just to give him a heads up that he has seen tip of the iceberg... and it will get "worse".

Listen... I get it this is emotional for you.  I do.  However... .it's just money and assets.  Is your life worth more than a protracted settlement?

My best buddy... .Naval Aviator as well... .got fed up with his crazy marriage.  His wife was "waifish"... .he was a rescuer... .seems to be common theme... .  Anyway... .

He has been very successful making money... .he figured that once he unburdened his life of the crazy woman... .he would be even more successful.  He was right.  Plus... he is much happier.  Over beers he said to me... .you can't put a price on happiness.  I shot back at him... .but you did in your divorce.  He agreed... and said it was over a 1/4 of a million that he paid out to her.  He could have "taken her to the cleaners"... .but he wanted it to be over.

I do think there was early posturing of taking her to cleaners... .followed by a "quick give up and move on". 

So... .he would say, you get nothing... .big drama because she wanted 8 things.  He would give 3-4 with agreement to move on.  Things went quickly.

Think about it... .once this is past... .what will your earning potential be?

FF

She does not, but I lived with it and know what happened behind closed doors.  The crazy love bombing, the interview like process that I want through, the elevating me to a level that I had never been to (yeah, I was like "whaaaat?" but my bad I chose to ignore the red flags) then came the rages, being spit on, hit, accused of everything under the sun and then have it turned back on me.  The silent treatment, the isolation from friends and family, the financial control and then the brutal slow process of complete and total devaluation and now her desire to for all intensive purposes, destroy me.

I think I will go with the "un-diagnosed, but BPD like symptoms so please be aware of where this could go" tactic.


It's NOT worth a protracted settlement, like my attorney said to me yesterday when we came up with our strategy, he said "you need to be done with this ASAP so you can move forward, the longer you're stuck around this woman the more it will cost you financially, mentally or worse".  He also told me to protect myself, make sure I'm not around her alone etc. as he believes she is unpredictable.


Well, that's what kind of sucks, I work for the government and have great benefits, but I don't make a ton of money and the home I've owned for 14 years had a basement apartment which helped me out tremendously with finances as it was about 1/6th of my overall income.  However, when she and her children moved in I tore it all out and converted the space so that program is gone... .it will be way more of a struggle financially, but I have to know that at least she will be out of my life and mental and physical stability will follow.

NS

NA

Courts and lawyers usually are able to make settlements.  They prefer them too.  I've been in domestic court for 3 major actions.  Two did settle.  One was when her lawyer told her she'd lose and so she settled (minutes before the trial.  The other was when I was seeking custody and majority time.  We had a Guardian ad Litem (GAL) who wanted middle of the road outcome, my lawyer said the court would likely side with the GAL, so we settled for the GAL's terms.

What I'm saying is that settlements do happen, even in our high conflict cases.  But they're usually not early in a case, the ex is typically too entitled.  They happen closer to a major hearing or trial when the ex is under a bit of pressure.  (That's why we generally encourage members not to delay a hearing or suspend the case since  it may get action that delays would put off.)

The SPLITTING handbook encourages us to use attorneys who have practical strategies, are familiar with trials and more than ready to go to trial.  Experience counts.  Lawyers who are hand holders and forms filers are for the 85% of cases that don't have an obstructive, high conflict spouse involved.

This is what I'm really hoping for.  Right now my BPD/NPDw seems so empowered, so angry and so incredibly vindictive that the waiting game is hard.  My attorney keeps assuring me that her attorney is talking a much more conciliatory tone, but at home I'm under an almost constant passive aggressive barrage of comments and actions it's exhausting.

She keeps telling her attorney that I'm making things difficult in the home while all I am doing is trying to live in our house, then I get the email from her attorney to mine stating such.  Last night I was whistling while I was cooking and she told me to stop or she'd tell her attorney I was whistling just to annoy her?

The crazy part is, her behaviors really are meant to provoke?  For example, I'm talking with her three children this weekend and she comes in, sits down and just interjects, "Hey, those were pretty nice skis you were loading up, did you buy those while we were married or after the separation?  Because if it was while we were married 1/2 those are mine... .kind of like half your mountain bike is now mind!"... .then she just starts laughing... .

At this point I'm just doing my best to be nice every day, let the threats roll off without engaging them and am hoping for this to conclude sooner than later.

NS   

   

 
Are you living in the house with her full time? 

I would suggest that your send something to your attorney... have him reword it and send to her attorney.

"Both parties agree to only discuss relationship status with their attorneys.  Parties agree to NOT discuss in the presence of children and in the marital home"

Likely good for both lawyers to somehow put a statement in there that they are lawyers and not relationship counselors and that perhaps a relationship counselor is needed to cool things while the lawyers focus on their professional responsibilities.

Note:  This likely won't help, but I think clearly communicating boundaries, roles and responsibilities is appropriate.

Hang in there man... .this is tough stuff.

FF

Unfortunately yes... .


It's funny, I want to do that yet part of me is worried about the blow back I'll get from her when she get's upset that her attorney brought this to her attention, does that make sense?

Make sure you have a recorder app running on your phone when you are around her.

Much more important when she threatens you, that you disengage/ignore the threat to "tattle" on the attorney.

FF

This has been my tactic.  Part of me thinks that somewhere under there is a human, someone who in the end will relent if even just a bit and settle this all with some modicum of fairness.

"Tattle" to her attorney, exactly.  Last night I was cooking dinner for myself and whistling, not loud, just in a good mood whistling and she storms in and tells me, "stop whistling or I'm contacting my attorney and telling him you're purposely doing it to annoy me!"... .yeah, that really happened?

NS

Since you guys are on the way to a divorce... .I would lean towards continuing to whistle.   

Recorder app... .very important... .please let me know you are doing this. 

FF

Just added it to my phone!


Hahaha, funny and totally get it, but not my style.  I've caught myself so many times wanting to do some passive aggressive move back to her yet in the moment I tell myself, "you're better than that... .when this is all over you'll still have your integrity... ."

NS

 
Umm... .I will admit that I don't totally understand passive aggressive, but I don't think continuing to whistle is PA.  Perhaps aggressive... .but not PA.

You could say... ."I'll listen to respectful requests... .otherwise I will continue to enjoy my whistle... ."

You have handed her the ball back... .(so to speak)... .provided a pathway to healthy resolution... .and "defended" your separateness from her.

Or... .you could use "snark".

"Oh my goodness... .I'm sorry... .I was time travelling in my mind and thinking of a time when I'm done with you... .I couldn't stop the happy tune from coming out... "

 

Yeah... .snark is better... .

FF

She is taunting you, trying to goad you into a poor overreaction that would give her belief she could use that to promptly boot you out of the home (and gain possession) with a TRO or TPO.  Failing that, she's trying to make your life miserable, after all, it worked before and of course she'll keep trying tactics that worked before.

Don't do anything aggressive toward her, not even words.  Beware of even pushing her out of the way to exit the room or wherever.  That 'push' can transform into a planned scream and subsequent claim you shoved her against the wall, tossed her down the stairs, through the door and drove over her in the street.

I'm so sorry you have to live together while this all resolves. That's really hard, and takes a big toll.

How long does your lawyer anticipate this might take?


This is emotionally immature behavior. It's something you might expect from a child who both feels and has no real power, not an adult woman.


If you are walking around the house seeming calm and unfazed, she may feel angry at you simply because you are not dysregulated like she feels -- there may be a motive on her part to trip your trigger so that you will behave in similar ways, which would validate her own bad behavior.

I would resist engaging her at that level. She isn't going to stop her taunting, most likely. But you can prevent things from getting worse by not lowering yourself to her level, especially if she gets momentum from bad behavior if she sees she got a reaction out of you. It sounds like you are already doing this.  :)

Hopefully, things conclude relatively soon, though I would prepare for things to get drawn out. Even if court concludes swiftly, she will likely stonewall and obstruct on any item that requires her compliance, unless you have leverage that can be used, or contingencies that you wrote into the order.

Hey... .to be clear... .this was a badly timed and conceived joke. 

Be sure NOT to hand her any ammo.  You already know she is good at "creating" ammo out of nothing, but that gets fairly obvious... .fairly quickly.  It appears both lawyers "get it".


Livednlearned made a great point about compliance.  Make sure orders are specific.  "Reasonable delay" is bad... .horrid.  30 minute delay with accompanying text message notifying you of the delay is much better. 

Best... .write in a consequence into the order.  That way, when you go back to court, all you need to "prove" is that the tightly defined parameters have been "busted".

Real life example.  My brother in law had it written in the order that when he pulled up to sister in laws house to pick up kids he would text, beep horn and kids would be out within 5 or 10 minutes (I don't remember exactly).  This was in addition to the order stating that kids were to be picked up and such and such time.

So... .order says kids are picked up at 3pm.  He pulls in at 3pm, texts and beeps and it would be "legal" for kids to walk out of door at 3:10. 

However, they were taking 20 minutes or longer.  SIL was the one causing it... .just to "show she can". 

The mistake BIL made was not writing a consequence in the order.

Expect this level of obstruction at every turn.

FF

The money and house will be the first part and the I'm hoping that the court process will help with the timeline on that... .but, personal property split... .well my fear is this will be a gong show as this woman is going to fight tooth and nail down to the last TV set, book, plate, surf board, bike, toothpick or whatever... .I can see that coming and unfortunately I think I'm just going to have to walk away from a lot just to get it over with... .

NS

This is that part that is SO exhausting... .it just sucks the life out of you and makes me want to just give it all to her and walk away just to get some peace back in my life... .

NS

Listen... .big reality check.  

You can buy peace in your life... .

You can buy happiness...

It may not be at the price you want to pay... .or are even willing to pay... .but realize that this is possible.  

If you can get to a point of a "business decision"... .or look at it as if you are purchasing a car... .rather than an emotional "war"... "battle"... .whatever with an ex (stbx)... .I think you will conclude this much sooner, and get back to happiness.

I have told this story recently... but don't remember what thread... .I had a buddy that "bought" happiness to the tune of $250K that he didn't have to spend or likely could have "won", if he had the chance.

Granted... he was smart about it and minimized... .perhaps even eliminated cash payments to his ex over time.  I think what he got her to agree with was giving her a "free and clear" house and pay taxes and insurance for some period of time.  Plus bought her a minivan... .again delivered it free and clear.  I think he put in the agreement that she could not mortgage the house for a certain number of years.

Basically he wanted to be done.  He knew he would not get full custody.  He wanted some sort of stability when his kids were with mom.  He also knew it would p$ss him off to no end if he had to stroke her alimony checks... .month after month.

Now... .10 years later, his kids are teenagers, the ex is still in same house, so same basic routine of swapping kids for 10 years.  I'm not sure if same van is there or not.

Perhaps there is a creative thing you can offer that she would jump at.

FF

Where are you in the court process? Do you have to go through mediation first? Will your case be heard before a judge?

Knowing this can help us help you figure out how to stage the negotiation process.

There are places where you can artificially inflate (or deflate) the values of your items knowing that she is going to haggle and obstruct and be BPD about things.

There is a little chess to all this. You have the ability to see 4 and 5 moves ahead -- her BPD is more likely to keep her focused on the immediate move.

That gives you a strategic advantage and it can help make the process less stressful -- she will still do her thing but you will be prepared for it and while it will still be exasperating, at least you have a few moves in store that were planned in advance to offset her unreasonable demands.

What's the next thing to happen in your case? What has already taken place?

Her side was stalling and making threats so my attorney said forget that, let's just put in for a court date and start the discovery process or this is going to go around in circles and they can choose to withhold whatever they want.

Yep, went through one mediation, she made an offer, I was going to possibly accept and she cancelled the second mediation and said all deals off the table.

Well, with her it could go all the way to trial, but I'm hoping we can come to some agreement, pick up our tinker-toys and go our separate ways... .but, yeah we'll see how that goes.


She wants my house and at first I was thinking #$! no I've owed this since 2004, my boys grew up here... .and now, I'm hoping that this could be the leverage point and it the dollar amount she offers me to buy me out is reasonable, I'd walk away and start fresh somewhere just to get her out of my life... .so maybe that's the creative thing, maybe... .

NS

I'm assuming you have a mortgage... .correct?

Make sure that before YOU leave the house and give up possession that SHE has either taken over responsibility for the loan... .or bought you out.

Bottom line... that your credit is no longer tied to the house.

That you name is no longer on house or tax bill (insurance, utilities... .all that) BEFORE you leave.

What happens if she promises to switch electric... but then doesn't.  If you call and cut it off... .in some states... .you could get in trouble, especially if she alleges you are her "landlord" and she is tenant.

I DO like the idea of you having a fresh start... .new surroundings and all that.

Focus on the "strategic advantage" livednlearned mentioned.  That is where to put your effort.  It sounds like you are pretty much doing this... .given your attorney's push for trial to "force" discovery... .and quit "messing around".

FF

Your attorney is acting like a rational actor! That's great  :)

So, knowing that you might be willing to let go of the house -- that's leverage. You can use that to your advantage. Don't share this leverage with her, just use it when it's time.

Right now, she is excited about the letter of the law, and honestly, in family law court, that doesn't really exist. She is probably giddy about the prospect of the judge delivering justice, punishing you for all the bad things you did, with her blocking you every step of the way. This is nonsense. Best to ignore it.

Find out what you can about what the judge is like, and maybe even go sit in on a few cases if you're feeling anxious about what it will be like. Ask your L how he has handled cases like this before.

Ask people here how their spouses stonewalled the financial stuff and what they did that helped them move things forward. Not all of it will apply but you will get some good pointers and that on its own will help you get into a solutions-based mindset, which is psychologically better for your well-being.  :)

What kind of threats were being made? What will the discovery process entail? What are you most concerned about?

I think she is very excited about the letter of the law, to the point everything is starting to add up as almost a premeditated scam. 

It will all have to come out in the discovery documents, but the claim right now is that she paid all of her premarital debt with our community funds while paying mine with money she kept sole and separate from before we were married.  If that is the case it's almost worst case scenario as she could be free and clear of all her debt yet claim I owe her back for any of my premarital debt that she paid off and for any money she might have spent on our home.

Next, she move all her money into FBO accounts which may render any of that money off limits in our case.

Obviously the waiting game on these answers have me not getting a whole lot of sleep... .if it all came together in a worst case scenario, she could get my home of 14 years free and clear and I could be saddled with debt and no equity... .

Now will that happen, lots would have to fall into place and I haven't been fully briefed on the law or what we have back from discovery at this time.  My attorney has been preparing for another trial this week so I most likely won't have answers until maybe next week.

Yup, that adds up to a little bit of stress... .and to think that someone would do that to another person... .after all I've done for her and her children... .and that all that could happen within only 2 1/2 years... .crazy... .

I have to stop "reading the tea leaves" and researching things on my own and wait for the real information from my attorney as all I'm doing is working myself up.

NS

 

Ok, I see what you're saying here. You feel she has bamboozled you over time and is going to get a favorable ruling.

I meant more the taunts about your bike, and skis and such.


Is this something that could get flushed out in a deposition? With depositions, from the way they were presented to me by my L, the key is not just to air the dirty laundry, the key is also to find inconsistencies (e.g. lies) and loopholes in what the person is saying. Then shine light on those inconsistencies during cross-examination that ideally reveal nefarious motives and undermine credibility.

The disadvantage is that it can cost a few thousand dollars. My L said sometimes depositions are used as a way for the other L to see how credible each spouse will be when cross-examined. So, from that perspective, it's a very expensive audition.

You have to run a cost-benefit analysis to gauge whether it's worth it.

For me, it was worth it, but not in ways I expected. And it didn't necessarily make everything go away, it just shifted things in my favor and from there I gained momentum.


I'm so sorry you have to go through this. The sleeplessness is the worst -- you wake up and boom, there's your wife jeering at you and taunting you, meanwhile you're worried sick about your future.



Do you know if your L is a good litigator? This turned out to be important for me. Not all Ls are very good at being persuasive in court. The law is the law, and then there are good litigators, who convince the judge to interpret things more or less more favorably within those parameters.

A good L might persuade your judge to say, Hey, these two have barely been married, and she came into this looking for a bank. She got her debt paid off out of joint funds, so let's call this a wash and let Mr. NewStart get back to the way things were before she showed up.


 

I hope you find some peace soon, NS.

***UPDATE***

Could it all be bluster and threats from her?

After canceling mediation after one appointment retaining a shark lawyer, making tons of threats and muddying the water we pushed back and said put up or shut up we want all your documents and let's go to court... .after all that her camp just sent over a stipulation to mediate?

Thought on this?

NS 

He is an excellent litigator and her attorney knows him well, maybe that's why we're apparently headed back to mediation?  I'm so confused with this yo-yo ride?


This is it exactly, she make three times what I make so she has the ability to bounce right back and here she is trying to ring every last cent out of me... .yes, it has me feeling sick, not taking very good care of myself and yes very sleepless nights.

NS

Any chance YOU can get spousal support from her for a while?

FF

A couple thoughts I learned from here and when I was in court:

• Judges are granted a lot of discretion in their decisions.  As LnL noted, a good lawyer can make sure the nuances of the case, such as her now being perceived as a slick gold digger, document how you've been used and the judge may include those points in a better (or less unfair) decision.
• A judge does not have to rule on information not presented or documented as evidence for the court.  For example, if the court makes a bad decision, then you can appeal, object or ask for reconsideration of only the testimony and evidence presented to the court.  Understand that judges and lawyers are often not anxious to have a lot of evidence, my conclusion is so they can rely more on judicial discretion.  With a very oppositional spouse, that can be bad.

I think if she starts to draw this out, which I think the mediator tactic is, I am going to ask my attorney about requesting this.


Was your case in a community property state by chance?  I have some fear that here there may be less discretion as it is a community property state, however, if there is enough evidence there may be a way to try to show premeditation to defraud.

At this point I'm thinking that the request to mediation again may be a stall tactic as the mediator selected is not available until late March or early April?  To me this is unacceptable as I want her out of my life ASAP as she is so incredibly toxic and I think she knows this.  By extending this process she is hoping I leave the house thus giving her stronger cause to keep it

NS

Your L will know best how things work in your state. Even so, remember that your L works for you.

So, if you feel that asking for spousal support is fair, given the discrepancy in incomes, and that your wife and her L will try to drag things out and wear you down, then keep your foot on the gas.

In practice, that means you decide what you know is best. Do you think it is fair to ask for spousal support? If so, press on this until you get a convincing, satisfactory reason for why you should or shouldn't ask for it. It also means sticking to the court date. That's your call, not your lawyer's. If it were me, I would stick to the court date. Your wife is going to stonewall, obstruct, and drag this out in the most unbelievably insidious ways. And her L is weaponizing rules of fair play to screw you.

The quick back pedal to go to mediation is a sign they don't want to lose control. They probably recognize that court may not play out as well for them -- there are a lot of stories here where court cut through the entitlement of a BPD spouse.

You may not know what they discuss behind closed doors, but you can be sure that when they offer something, it is not because they want to be friendly and fair.
 
I don't know all the details of your situation, and things are different in each state. But based on what you have shared, I would not only stick to the court date, I would start asking for more. Ask for spousal support. Ask for a deposition. You may not need them, and things may get really weird at home! But it signals to them that you have a sense of what is fair and are not afraid to ask for what you are entitled to.

When your wife is taunting you at home, do you think you can turn to her, look her straight in the eye, hold up your hand and tell her in a firm, commanding tone, STOP. Do you think you could hold up a recording device? Could you whip out a notebook and start taking notes?

She doesn't respect you, that's why she is heckling and taunting and trying to shake all the dimes out of your pockets. The time for being nice is over -- that doesn't mean you have to be aggressive or mean or nasty or snarky. It means that you get clear about how you want people to treat you, and even more important, recognize whether someone is capable of treating you well. For people who have proven they will not respect you, only you can stop them from treating you badly. They lack whatever sensibility is needed to control their own bad behavior.

Ummm... .ask your attorney for a good reason NOT to ask for this.

Just my advice on negotiations... .in the next mediation you need to "up the ante"... .considerably.

Why?

We all know this will likely go to trial and that mediation is a sham.

So... .make your "point" that each time they play games... .your "price" goes up.  Price being your opening negotiating position.

You also need to have it worked out with your attorney what you will take.  Even if you stumble into that agreement in mediation... .take it.

Let them be the ones that "can't agree".  If they back out and want that back later... .that deal is gone... .but a new deal... .with slightly higher price... .is still available.

Just my 2 cents... .

It sounds like you have a good attorney... .

FF

Well, I think I'm hoping that it's about control and maybe a weaker hand than my wife thought she had, but part of me thinks it is just a stall tactic as the mediator offered up is booked until early April.  My wife has been and continues to make things so uncomfortable at home that my thought is she hopes that I pull the plug and move out thus giving her a stronger position to take my house.


That's a tough one and one that I've talked about a lot with friends and family, at the end of the day I'm just a nice guy and find it hard to want to be mean.  However, you make a valid point that at some point you have to stand up and say enough is enough, I deserve to be treated fairly and with respect and as a matter of fact, I demand that.


I think this is a critical piece, but right now we are still in the waiting game in the discovery process.  All the financials, appraisal from their side, etc we are still waiting on.  I had all mine together and in to my attorney within 48 hours and here we sit over a week out and my wife is still dragging her feet on getting information to her attorney to get to mine.  Without those pieces I think that it's impossible to have a number in mind, but believe me I want one, want an offer I can take and the ability to move on from this situation the sooner the better. 

NS

"Mean" and "assertive" are very different... .And often confused by nons.

Can you press towards trial AND mediation?

I would not wait for April...


FF

Asking for respect or demanding it verbally doesn't work so well with dysregulated BPD sufferers.

More effective strategies are based on doing what you feel is best for you.

If you believe trial is the fastest, best way to handle things, then do it for you.

Whether she is stalling or scrambling for control, mediation seems to go counter to your goals.

If so, then the next bit is to commit to putting NewStart's needs first.  :)

And working through any guilt or "mean" feelings. These can be intense for some.

A great way to express it.   |iiii

Perahps pushing for trial ASAP (and discovery... .and the rest that comes with that) will help them get more reasonable in mediation or a settlement prior to trial.

I believe several people on these boards have powerful stories of pwBPD coming to their senses... .just before trial.  The pressure you put on them matters.

FF

I sent that request in this morning and my attorney said not to worry, they're on the clock and they have 20 days.  Both the mediation and the request for an expeditious trial date are running concurrent so now it's just a waiting game.


I would say what is best for me at this point would be the most expeditious route to a resolution.  The problem is I don't know the fastest route as there are to many variables.  The fastest result would probably being able to finish this process in mediation, however that would require my wife being reasonable and fair and unfortunately I'm not really holding out hope for that... .

NS

This is certainly what I'm shooting for, right now my attorney is preping for another trial so at this point we're if a bit of a holding pattern.  Should wrap up this week so back on track soon I hope!

Don't talk about this at home.  In other words... .to explain the schedule to her at all.

That is for her and her attorney to figure out.

FF

Haha, I wouldn't think of it! I'm still trying to be as friendly as possible through a tough process, but my uBPDw... .yeah not so much.

That being said I tried to broach the subject of where we were in mediation the first time around about four weeks ago and that's when she told me she had no intention of being fair because I was going to hate regardless... .so that was the last we've really spoken... .