BPDFamily.com

Previous post here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=3062251.msg13234941#msg13234941

I've been doing really well lately! I've gone back to certain projects that are really important to me, and am finding joy and sustenance in them - things that for a long time I've deprioritised - not solely because of the BPD relationship, but honestly, that was a huge part of my energy and solitude and lifeforce being sucked away.

I've also been making some progress on what Pook wisely calls the 'what if game' - trying to realistically appraise the level of control I had over the situation, rather than ruminating over 'what ifs' that might somehow have made things better.

Here are some examples:

- What if I hadn't been stressed and snappy towards former partner on various occasions?

It's normal to sometimes be stressed and snappy, especially if (as was the case) both partners are under extreme pressure. If the other person's response to this is to cheat, lie, manipulate, blame, engage in choatic and harmful actions with money, and generally get detached from reality, this can't sustain a successful relationship. 

- What if I did/ didn't do A and B and C which brought former partner into contact with the person he cheated/ monkey branched with?

You cannot live a life where you are not in contact with other people. Knowing other people does not cause a person to cheat, lacking integrity and self-regulation does. In addition, my former partner destroyed his last relationship by cheating, too. This problem of his is not about me, and precedes me.

- What if I went back in time and ran after former partner as he was walking out the door to the event where he cheated and told him what was going on and we tried to work out together how we could stop this and save the relationship, which I thought we both valued very much?

That is completely insane. It would only work if former partner really was a 'partner' in the sense of being someone capable and desirous of working with me to share a life together in integrity and care. Which... if he was that, he wouldn't have lied, manipulated, ________ed up with money and blamed me while I was forced to live on couches on months after he demanded I move out, and cheated!

Furthermore, when I look at what I did to support former partner with his mental health and other struggles - I kept him under suicide watch for a month. I helped him get access to healthcare he was eligible for, and encouraged him to use it (which he never did in part because he thought he was 'too smart' for therapy). I let him live with me rent free for seven months so he could save money for a holiday. None of that was enough for him to actually enact the love he claimed he felt through decent and loving behaviour, once his desire for validation kicked in.

Now I am contemplating going back in time using science fictional powers to save him from himself - that is completely ridiculous.

The experiment is done!

I did my best for someone who seemed at the time to have lots of good qualities. It wasn't a perfect best, but it was a good one. What happened was not my fault, and the 'what if' has been decisively answered. It would have failed whatever I did.

What are your 'what ifs' that you've had to re-imagine?