Reframing the 'what ifs'

[hotchip]

Previous post here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=3062251.msg13234941#msg13234941

I've been doing really well lately! I've gone back to certain projects that are really important to me, and am finding joy and sustenance in them - things that for a long time I've deprioritised - not solely because of the BPD relationship, but honestly, that was a huge part of my energy and solitude and lifeforce being sucked away.

I've also been making some progress on what Pook wisely calls the 'what if game' - trying to realistically appraise the level of control I had over the situation, rather than ruminating over 'what ifs' that might somehow have made things better.

Here are some examples:

- What if I hadn't been stressed and snappy towards former partner on various occasions?

It's normal to sometimes be stressed and snappy, especially if (as was the case) both partners are under extreme pressure. If the other person's response to this is to cheat, lie, manipulate, blame, engage in choatic and harmful actions with money, and generally get detached from reality, this can't sustain a successful relationship. 

- What if I did/ didn't do A and B and C which brought former partner into contact with the person he cheated/ monkey branched with?

You cannot live a life where you are not in contact with other people. Knowing other people does not cause a person to cheat, lacking integrity and self-regulation does. In addition, my former partner destroyed his last relationship by cheating, too. This problem of his is not about me, and precedes me.

- What if I went back in time and ran after former partner as he was walking out the door to the event where he cheated and told him what was going on and we tried to work out together how we could stop this and save the relationship, which I thought we both valued very much?

That is completely insane. It would only work if former partner really was a 'partner' in the sense of being someone capable and desirous of working with me to share a life together in integrity and care. Which... if he was that, he wouldn't have lied, manipulated, ________ed up with money and blamed me while I was forced to live on couches on months after he demanded I move out, and cheated!

Furthermore, when I look at what I did to support former partner with his mental health and other struggles - I kept him under suicide watch for a month. I helped him get access to healthcare he was eligible for, and encouraged him to use it (which he never did in part because he thought he was 'too smart' for therapy). I let him live with me rent free for seven months so he could save money for a holiday. None of that was enough for him to actually enact the love he claimed he felt through decent and loving behaviour, once his desire for validation kicked in.

Now I am contemplating going back in time using science fictional powers to save him from himself - that is completely ridiculous.

The experiment is done!

I did my best for someone who seemed at the time to have lots of good qualities. It wasn't a perfect best, but it was a good one. What happened was not my fault, and the 'what if' has been decisively answered. It would have failed whatever I did.

What are your 'what ifs' that you've had to re-imagine?



 
 

[PeteWitsend]

...

What are your 'what ifs' that you've had to re-imagine?

By the time I got divorced, I was done going over what ifs.  All I had was regret over the times I tolerated her nonsense.  But in my situation, having a kid with her who I love very much and am happy to have them in my life, I couldn't really engage in what ifs, because I know that had I put my foot down up front and said "It's not okay to talk to me like that" and called out her behavior, and ended it when I started getting endless excuses and blame shifting, instead of giving her another chance and rationalizing away why she did what she did or said what she did that it would have just ended sooner and I wouldn't have my daughter. 

So I really don't go down that path... if you treated a pwBPD as you should have, all you get is a relationship that ends earlier, if it even starts.  The only way to "win" is not to play... it's like running on a  hamster wheel.

I think, reading through your list of "What ifs..." what strikes me is that even if you had done everything right, you'd still be facing these same situations over and over again because the problem wasn't anything you did or didn't do, the problem was in his head; it was his way of behaving and his morals or lack thereof.  He would've found someone to cheat with eventually; it wasn't because of you. 

And so forth.

[Under The Bridge]

I did my best for someone who seemed at the time to have lots of good qualities. It wasn't a perfect best, but it was a good one. What happened was not my fault, and the 'what if' has been decisively answered. It would have failed whatever I did.

Sums it up perfectly.. and it's a real breakthrough on the road to healing when we finally realise that all our 'what if' thoughts wouldn't have changed a thing - even if by doing things differently we would have succeeded in defusing one situation, only for our BPD partner to simply switch onto something else with which to blame and abuse us.  It's what they do and is the nature of their illness.

We can do a million things 'right' for them, but they will always come up with some way we 'failed' them. Took me 4 years to realise that I simply couldn't win but I'm glad I did eventually see it and it helped me give up on a pointless and toxic relationship, with my conscience totally clear.

[hotchip]

Pete, that's a great point - that the logical conclusion of the 'what ifs' is that the relationship would have ended sooner. It makes me want to reframe my question from 'what if I did X to save the relationship, to 'what if I had responded as I should have?'

The first time BPDx and I had a fight, we had been together less than 2 months. I'd gone to visit him in his city and it had gone badly. I stated that I felt angry and unsupported because they hadn't done some tasks they'd promised to do to help me, before I came (a 13 hour train ride). I also emphasized that my feelings were not necessarily the whole story, and that I knew he also tried hard to support me in other ways.

BPDx responded by lashing out at me, then spending the next many hours crying and successively messaging/ calling everyone he knew (friends, family) to say that he was a bad person. With the result that many of them called back in concern, which he related to me as if it were my fault. Among the people he called was the affair partner with whom he had destroyed his previous live in relationship. He didn't disclose this to me at the time, he described to me as 'my friend'. He played me off against her, emphasising how she was 'there for' him during this terrible experience.

He also said he couldn't imagine how he could ever trust or feel the same for me again. Bear in mind that I had previously spent a full month  just before keeping him under near 24 hour watch, because of his mental health. He had been effusive about how in love he was, how I had 'healed him' etc, yet one conflict or critical remark was enough to completely derail this.

I ended up apologising and struggling to 'fix things', resulting in re-idealisation.

If I had acted as I should have, I would have at minimum demanded that he seek and enter formal mental health treatment at this point. And also not continued the relationship without full acknowledgement of how unstable his actions were, and commitment to change.

It's weird because at the time, I very quickly realised he met the criteria for BPD, and that his actions were kind of, well, crazy. And yet I didn't insist on the above because... well... I don't know. I wanted to believe he was a reasonable person, that the fairytale partnership I had been offered was still viable. Those were my delusions, not his. 

Under The Bridge, it's funny you use the 'failed them' phrase because that's exactly what BPDx said to me during one of his last 3.5 hour spirals. Hours later, he was happy and 'fine' again and seemed to want to act like it had never happened. The double standard between what I was supposed to just absorb, and his propensity to meltdown from much less, is stunning.

[hotchip]

* not 'failed' but 'disappointed' was what he said. After what had begun as a nice dinner and evening out, he had somehow started going on about how I had been this guiding star for him and now he realised I wasn't and I didn't *really* believe all the things I had said previously - he was almost shouting. He started speaking about self-harm, saying that he wanted to do it then aggressively getting in my face and saying 'you're not reacting! You're supposed to be the closest person to me and I'm saying I want to hurt myself and you're not reacting!'

At the time, what I saw was his pain (and my exhaustion). In hindsight, what I see is that it was manipulative and aggressive.

[Under The Bridge]

In hindsight, what I see is that it was manipulative and aggressive.

 I have said many times in my posts that I'm sure BPD are far more aware of their actions than they would have us know. Yes, a lot of it is down to their illness but they also know how to 'switch it on/off' when they need to. Notice how they rarely rage at you when other people are around but will immediately have a meltdown when it's just the two of you.

Family and friends might not believe a BPD acts this way simply because they've never seen them act out in their presence - this is how a BPD can turn people against you and play the victim, claiming you're the one with the problems. My ex's family and friends were aware of her condition though so they knew I wasn't at fault.

They often claim you're 'not supporting them' but equally, if you show too much support and love they'll see you as 'overpowering and trying to control'. You really can't win and it just exhausts you

My own ex-BPD never showed any signs of self-harm but her moods were unbelievable, switching from 'love' to 'hate' in a split second. She was a great pool player but her BPD really showed itself as if anyone beat her she'd break up with me and leave. How do you deal with something as ridiculous as that??

It was only when she seemed to suddenly get far worse and was heading towards being violent - she had the jet-black eye pupils that indicate someone is mentally detached from reality and liable to do anything - that I finally saw the futility of continuing and called it a day, because now she was starting to scare me.

[PeteWitsend]

I have said many times in my posts that I'm sure BPD are far more aware of their actions than they would have us know. Yes, a lot of it is down to their illness but they also know how to 'switch it on/off' when they need to. Notice how they rarely rage at you when other people are around but will immediately have a meltdown when it's just the two of you.

...

It's hard to describe BPD because in one context, they CAN'T control their emotions: when they dysregulate.  But other times they can.  When "the cameras are rolling" so to speak, and they know there's an audience there judging them, they can be quite charming and sweet, and even tolerant.

But the calculating aspect of it, manipulating their partners/friends/family using mood swings, outbursts, etc. does seem to imply they can control their emotions.

For this reason, I sometimes wonder if anti-social personality disorder (ASPD) is more what we're dealing with.  or some blend of BPD and ASPD. 

I think I come back to some earlier thoughts I had that these are not like physical illnesses you can objectively diagnose, like taking a flu test for example.  It's far more complicated than that.

It might be more effective to think of it another way. 

On a fundamental level, such people are dishonest in their emotional, verbal, and non-verbal communications.  You really can't trust them in any way shape or form, and therefore it's not possible to form a relationship with them as we expect we are.