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Hi community. I posted earlier about my adult BPD daughter who lives in a different city that first threatened and then enacted no contact with me. She has not cut out anyone else in our family. My youngest is graduating from high school next week and the older daughter is coming for the ceremony and has drawn her siblings into the conflict. She is going to stay with my son instead of with us. We were supposed to have dinner as a family after the ceremony, which she was not going to attend, but now my youngest has said it will be just her at the dinner and after they are going to have a "siblings hang." I know this is all timed and orchestrated to be as damaging and disruptive as possible my my BPD kid. I hate this so much. Just looking for support and suggestions for coping.  :help:  :cursing:

I think my BPD mother has acted up at almost every one of my milestones like graduation.  I wonder if they just can't seem to stand that the attention is on someone else. This is your younger D's graduation and her older sister is stirring the pot.

IMHO this day is about your younger D. It's also a day of pride and happiness for you. What I would do is ask your younger D what she would want to do on this day and let her decide. Does she want to go to dinner with you and then hang with her siblings? Or is she caught between them and you?

Younger D is a peacekeeper and I'm certain that the older kid is manipulating the situation to ensure maximum anguish. Initially younger D said she asked older D not to come to dinner because she couldn't see how that would work. Then it turned into just younger D coming to dinner with us without either sibling so they can "do their own thing". The other kids constantly capitulate to the BPD kid's emotional needs and demands. They go along to get along as a survival mechanism. Younger D swears this will be easiest and what she wants is what is easiest. It really sucks and I'm so over it. Remembering all the other times. Like the time she set a fire in her bedroom trashbin after an amazing night out for her 12th birthday, or the time she phoned 911 and hung up from my mother's house during my grandmother's wake (yes, they were dispatched to investigate), or like this last Christmas when she threw a tantrum when she didn't receive her requested item and took the bus back home on Christmas Day. It's exhausting and I don't want to bother trying in the future.