updated high school graduation manufactured drama

[hopefulbpdmom]

Hi community. I posted earlier about my adult BPD daughter who lives in a different city that first threatened and then enacted no contact with me. She has not cut out anyone else in our family. My youngest is graduating from high school next week and the older daughter is coming for the ceremony and has drawn her siblings into the conflict. She is going to stay with my son instead of with us. We were supposed to have dinner as a family after the ceremony, which she was not going to attend, but now my youngest has said it will be just her at the dinner and after they are going to have a "siblings hang." I know this is all timed and orchestrated to be as damaging and disruptive as possible my my BPD kid. I hate this so much. Just looking for support and suggestions for coping.   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Notwendy]

I think my BPD mother has acted up at almost every one of my milestones like graduation.  I wonder if they just can't seem to stand that the attention is on someone else. This is your younger D's graduation and her older sister is stirring the pot.

IMHO this day is about your younger D. It's also a day of pride and happiness for you. What I would do is ask your younger D what she would want to do on this day and let her decide. Does she want to go to dinner with you and then hang with her siblings? Or is she caught between them and you?

[hopefulbpdmom]

Younger D is a peacekeeper and I'm certain that the older kid is manipulating the situation to ensure maximum anguish. Initially younger D said she asked older D not to come to dinner because she couldn't see how that would work. Then it turned into just younger D coming to dinner with us without either sibling so they can "do their own thing". The other kids constantly capitulate to the BPD kid's emotional needs and demands. They go along to get along as a survival mechanism. Younger D swears this will be easiest and what she wants is what is easiest. It really sucks and I'm so over it. Remembering all the other times. Like the time she set a fire in her bedroom trashbin after an amazing night out for her 12th birthday, or the time she phoned 911 and hung up from my mother's house during my grandmother's wake (yes, they were dispatched to investigate), or like this last Christmas when she threw a tantrum when she didn't receive her requested item and took the bus back home on Christmas Day. It's exhausting and I don't want to bother trying in the future.

[js friend]

Hi hopefulbpdmom,

Iam sorry that you are stessed instead of what should be a time of joy for your family. celebrating

Im just wondering.....Would it be possible for your family to have a pre graduation breakfast or do something fun together before dd gets into town?

[Notwendy]

Im just wondering.....Would it be possible for your family to have a pre graduation breakfast or do something fun together before dd gets into town?

This is a great idea- or also do it after the graduation.

Karpman triangle dynamics helped me to understand the dynamics in my family of origin.
https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

BPD mother perceived herself in victim perspective. Others were either "on her side" (rescuer) or "not her side" (persecutor). Triangulation is when she'd talk to someone about a third person- and get that person to be "on her side" with the other one not on her side.

Sadly, this kind of thing did cause divisions in the family.  If she rallied someone "to her side" "against" me- and I tried to clear the air with that person- they'd be stuck in the middle, having to choose.

Your younger D is caught in the middle and is trying to keep the peace. She doesn't want to have to choose between her sister and her parents.

These are difficult situations, they were quite hurtful at times. It doesn't seem fair that someone would do this with family members.

IMHO- and this is just how I see it- your best "defense" to this is to keep your strong bonds with your other children, without triangulating about their sister- so don't engage in discussions about her, which puts them in the middle. I learned that whatever I may have said to family members about my mother could potentially get back to her, as they'd feel a "dual loyalty".

Make your dinner with your D special time for the three of you. Make this a good celebration and memory. There will be less drama if it's just with your D. It's not what you planned but it still can be a good time.

You can also plan to do things with your other children, (your BPD daughter might decline or you may not wish to do this with her) each individually for their special days- birthdays, etc.

Don't change your family "all together" plans. This gives over power to your older D. I wouldn't exclude her by not inviting her. Leave this up to her to decline or accept. If she throws a tantrum- it will reflect on her. Eventually your kids, as adults, will decide their own relationship with her.

[Pook075]

Younger D is a peacekeeper and I'm certain that the older kid is manipulating the situation to ensure maximum anguish.

That's exactly what's happening and everyone is being manipulated in order for your BPD kid to enact revenge.  It's mean and spiteful for sure, so you only have two options:

1)  Confront the BPD daughter directly
2)  Do nothing and let her have the win

If you go with option 1, it will likely ruin the graduation event.  Maybe your BPD daughter doesn't even show up.  If you do option 2, the event goes on as planned and everyone is happy but you.  Option 3 could be talking to your younger daughter, but that's likely the worst option of all since you don't want to add pressure on her for a special day.  She's the one who gets to choose though and if she wants to placate her older sister, then so be it.

Nothing about this is fair and I'm so sorry you're going through it.

[hopefulbpdmom]

Thanks, all. I want to help my younger daughter with boundaries and putting herself first, but that's a process and not one I can make happen. We are having a big party the following Sunday and her sister will be back in her home city by then. We'll save up for that special day and be more proactive for the next special occasion.

[CC43]

Hi there,

Unfortunately, pwBPD often "ruin" important events for others.  I think it's because they can't handle seeing other people happy, as it's in stark contrast to their misery.  In essence, pwBPD can't be happy for others when they're not happy themselves.  When it comes to a sibling, they are extremely jealous--of parental attention, of the sibling's accomplishments, of any gifts or compliments received.  And they can't just keep quiet about it.  They tend to "spoil" things, by acting out to reclaim attention, even if it's negative attention.  It becomes sadly predictable.  You know the expression, Misery loves company?  I think that with BPD, misery loves miserable company, which is why she tries to spoil things.

My solution for this sort of situation has been to invite my pwBPD to events, but not to make her presence obligatory.  More often than not, she'll stay away, because by now, she knows she can't bear it.  I think that if your BPD daughter stays with her brother during the event, that's actually a good thing, as it reduces the amount of time she witnesses how much parents are gushing over her little sister for graduating.  If she doesn't want to attend a family dinner--fine.  If she doesn't want to attend the ceremony--fine.  In a way, by self-selecting to distance herself from her sister when she's graduating, your BPD daughter might actually be avoiding intense feelings of jealousy and potentially avoiding a total meltdown.  Her mood might vary from hour to hour, so she just doesn't know yet if she can "pull herself together" during the event.  My solution?  Don't force her.  Don't guilt her by saying, "Your sister will be devastated if you don't attend / Your sister attended your graduation; the least you could do is support her, too."  Let your BPD daughter determinine how much she can handle.  I think, the less she's around, the more you can focus on your graduating daughter and make the milestone special for her.

I know it's disappointing, believing you can't even have your entire family around the table to celebrate a happy occassion.  I get that.  But don't beat yourself up, because you have a daughter with BPD who just can't handle that right now (without making a scene).  I'd advise, give her the option to bow out and keep her distance, which is probably all she can handle right now.  Think of it as an "adult time out."  My guess is she's in her early 20s, which is probably peak BPD dysfunction time.  She need lots and lots of adult time outs.

[Notwendy]

1)  Confront the BPD daughter directly
2)  Do nothing and let her have the win

Another option- make the day special no matter who comes to dinner. I am glad you have a party planned later. Still have the dinner with your D and she can be your focus.

I recall a college graduation where my parents started arguing during a graduation lunch. He and BPD mother returned to their hotel together, presumably to continue their discussion? I spent the rest of the day on my own.

By getting into an argument, the focus was on that, and BPD mother, not on me, the graduate. I don't recall every argument they had, and don't expect to have been the center of attention all the time, but I recall this day because, it was my graduation.

My guess is that your BPD daughter takes a lot of focus for you and the family with her drama. If it were me, what I'd say is that- your child wants your attention, and your time and your focus on this day. That's probably the main thing for her.

[hopefulbpdmom]

These are all good suggestions. I agree with giving her the option to attend or not. This is confounded by her recently going no contact with only me, and she is now using the graduation to triangulate the family re: who will be doing what aspects of celebration where. Lots of gatekeeping by the BPD kid.