BPDFamily.com

Hello,
This is my first time ever posting in a forum. I am a 48 y/o daughter of a BPD mother. I have gone No Contact for 4 years now. I do not regret my choice. However, from time to time, I wonder if I should ever reconnect with her when she is elderly or if she becomes ill.
I have a large family, most of whom still live close to her. 2 siblings are favorites, 3 of us were scapegoats (one sister died of an OD), and 3 siblings were basically invisible. So if my mother ever did become sick or frail, she would still have family to care for her.
My question is, has anyone ever ended thier No Contact, and what was their experience? I don't have any expectations that our relationship will magically heal, but I wonder what the experience and aftermath could be like?

Hello and welcome to the family!  And great question!

Unfortunately, the experiences tend to be mixed when it comes to reconnecting.  Many here have done it successfully, myself included, but not all of those stories have happy endings.  In some of them, everything was wonderful for a period of time, then everything blew up.  In others, there was lots of bitterness in the reconnection and it quickly brought up old patterns and memories.

I think to give you a better answer, we'd have to talk about your motives.  I mean, you've already laid them out nicely- mom's getting old, she doesn't necessarily need you with the big family, but it would be nice to smooth things over. 

Are there any other reasons?  What about grandkids?

A common "theme" here seems to have been around major life events, holidays, etc.  Do you get together with your siblings at all for July 4th, Thanksgiving, or Christmas?  That would be the easiest way to "test the waters" without actually diving in.

Whatever you decide- make this decision according to you and your specific feelings and situation.

I think an important consideration is your own mental health. In some situations, NC is necessary to preserve that.

In my situation, some boundaries were necessary but I didn't go fully NC with my BPD mother.

After my father passed away, BPD mother was angry at me and she's the one that seemed to discard the relationship. She had what she needed- Dad left her money and assets, she had extended family nearby, and she didn't seem to care about continuing a relationship with me. I continued low contact with her- for my own reasons. One was her age- she was in her elder years and I didn't feel OK with NC. Another was to be of support to my sibling, in the event that sibling would need to help.

I also had no expectations of her. Any relationship was based solely on my own reasons. This is important because, we can't know how the relationship will go but we do know our own reasons. I still cared about her well being and wanted to know that she was being cared for, even if I was not her primary hands on caregiver. Her feelings could change,  but I know mine and so that was my reason. I also -due to experiences with her- didn't have a lot of hope in her changing how she related to me, but I think I had a little, and wanted to leave that possibility open.

When my father passed, BPD mother didn't have much to do with me. She wrote me out of her legal papers, named a family member as POA. She kept her finances and her daily life secret from us. I wasn't sure she could manage with her BPD but I had no way of knowing for sure.

Some time later, we kids got a revised set of papers from her attorney naming us as POA. I agreed because I knew we, her kids, had her best interest at heart. She tended to trust people who may have taken advantage of her- and we knew we wouldn't do that. However, she remained in control and so it was more like being the disempowered POA. At some point, her extended family became concerned, she needed assistance and reached out to me.

I don't live close to her and so didn't have direct hands on care but she did have some funds to stay in assisted living. I was in frequent contact with her extended family, and her medical team and did visit. I did what I felt I needed to do, and it was my choice to do so, without expectations.

Your situation is different in that there are siblings to be there for care- but your reasons may be beyond care for your mother. You may wish to do this as part of the relationship with your siblings- to be of emotional support to them, or for your own wish to see for yourself that your mother is cared for, even if it isn't by you. You can also decide on your own boundaries, and what is needed for you to maintain your own emotional health. Each situation is different.