I have gone No Contact for 4 years now. I do not regret my choice. However, from time to time, I wonder if I should ever reconnect with her when she is elderly or if she becomes ill.
My question is - what is motivating you to consider this?
Is it guilt? Being afraid of losing her without contact? Hoping for an improved relationship? Other drivers? There are so many different personal reasons to consider restablishing contact, but I believe it's important to explore your own reasons before you make the move.
Do you live close to your mom? That is another big thing to think about if reconsidering establishing contact.
My uBPD mother passed away 5 months ago at age 89. I was an only daughter living in the same small town. My life changed when my dad passed away 21 years ago. I didn't realize it but my mother had groomed me from childhood to be her caretaker. I gladly took on the role because I strove to please my mom (impossible), and also to be a good daughter (also impossible because her expectations of a good daughter were impossible to achieve but I was about 57 before I realized that). About 8 years ago, I sought intensive support for myself because my mom had grown to be so toxic. I had a steep learning curve for learning how to navigate her dysfunction. As hard as the journey was, the one thing I did not have to deal with was her triangulating me with other siblings because there was no other sibling. For that I am thankful. That is another whole level of problem.
What I can tell you is that the challenges of having a BPD mother amplify as they age. Add in declining physical abilities, cognitive abilities, loss of social skills, increases in their stress as they encounter more challenges and inabilities to cope with activities of daily living, which includes new levels of decline in decision making, and more demands and expectations from you to take care of ALL their needs. My mother used to scream at me that I didn't love her if I wasn't able to meet some unreasonable demand. I lived about 5 min away. She texted and emailed all the time. At times I had to resort to blocking her. There were short term temporary NC's. Like I say, it worsened as she aged. Toooooo many stories.
Like NW, I chose to maintain contact for my own reasons, but it was limited, and my husband became my filter and human shield. I was lucky to have him. Many don't. In the last few years, she was emotionally abusive to him as well. That was the worst. We had to resort to establishing such extraordinary and difficult boundaries, involve medical supports, social workers...I could go on.
I was very active on the board for about 6 years. This community was a lifeline for me. Over that time, maybe there were stories about reunifications that had some success? But that is not the memory I am left with. Overwhelmingly I remember members posting about how nothing had changed when they went back to contact, be it regular or low. Then they had to go NC again. Maybe there was a honeymoon period, but then old patterns became the norm again, and the chaos returned. Maybe it was worth it for them to try again? I don't know. Maybe I am biased by my own experience, but I don't have a memory of reading about many successes with this. But maybe that is not the point. Maybe the point is about trying, if there is some personal value driving you to consider this.
When I joined the forum back in around 2018, I was able to read stories that went back years. You can probably still do this and read them for yourself, since your question is about the experience of others who have gone back to some level of contact. You can tell a lot about the content of a thread from the subject line, if that is something you want to consider doing and have the time. There is a lot to be learned from reading other stories. For me, it was helpful to go back in time and find applicable threads to read for myself. I was able to go back about 10 years back then.
I would never advise to re-establish contact or not to. That is way too personal and depends on the personalities involved, your own values, and of course the history, as well as what your reasons are for considering this. In some ways it comes down to risk/reward. You are the best person to understand what the risks are for you. Sometimes I think when we have been away from it for a while, it is possible to minimize or even forget, and then we feel some pull to re-establish connection - because as humans - connection is what we crave. I just wanted to share my story that the behaviors can become more intense and complicated as they age, and become more desperate as they become less able to cope.
I would ask yourself: "has she done any work on herself that leads you to believe anything would be different than it was in the past?"
"Why am I thinking about doing this? What is driving me to consider this?"
"Is there some value driving me to consider this? Am I doing it for me or for her"?
"Am I prepared for any outcome (be it good or bad) in the short term and the long term?"
"Do I have personal resources to support me as things evolve, if I need them?"
As awful as my experience was (contact with her), and as much as I feel like humpty dumpty, I can still honestly say that for me I took the path I did to have contact because I did it for myself. I can say I tried, and did my best. To her I was nothing but a disappointment and a failure, and I didn't love her. That isn't true. I loved her dearly. But in some relationships, sadly loving the person hurts deeply.
Lots to consider.
