BPDFamily.com

Hi everyone,

I have recently had no option (much to my heartbreak) but to ask my partner to leave my home due to his extreme behaviour.  I was subject to physical violence on more than one occasion, he broke into a locked (antique) cabinet where I stored all the sharps and both of our medication (due to his self harming and numerous suicide attempts) which left me feeling vulnerable knowing he had access to this and his aggressive intimidating and directly threatening behaviour after this was the final straw.  I've had damage to property, a regular police presence and far too much time spent in A&E.  He was sectioned twice in the last 3 months and allowed to come home.  At one point the police had to use absolute force to restrain him and used a taser plus CS gas on him when he tried to escape from the hospital.  

On the first occasion of physical violence my 3 year old son was witness to this and subsequently was removed by my home and placed with his father by social services.  This was on 4th January and I can now only have supervised visits with my child even after 4 weeks have passed since I threw my partner out.  I have followed all the advice about validation and ending conflict situations and the majority of the time we have done really well, both pursuing DBT for my partner and I've addressed my own role in the relationship with counselling and seeking resources to guide me in my responses to his behaviour, yet when things get out of control they really get out of control.  

My question is to other members, how many of you feel there is a fine line between BPD common behaviours such as the rages and accepting that this is in fact domestic abuse?  All the services I'm engaging with refuse to agree that his emotional dysregulation has any part in the behaviour and instead are viewing it as clear cut domestic abuse and I'm spending a great deal of my time and energy both fielding criticism and scrutiny because I defend him and trying to gain understanding from others that his condition is clearly a part of the cause.  

Feel very upset at having to take such drastic measures as asking him to leave and the subsequent situation he finds himself in, alone and vulnerable, as I love this man and accept him with his condition yet cannot allow the aggressive behaviour to rule my life any more and put myself in physical danger as well as the impact on my son.  :)oes anyone have any similar stories?

I've been exploring this topic myself a lot lately, and am so sorry to hear you having to deal with both the physical and emotional elements of it. I have also been on the receiving end of physical violence. It has happened probably 5-6 times over the course of my 10 month relationship. Usually punching or scratching with her nails on my face and neck, but I had a wine glass broken over my head once and most recently a cell phone used to split open my forehead. It leaves you feeling so emotionally drained and overwhelmed, I don't wish that on anyone else.

I have a few thoughts on some of the things you said, with the caveat that I'm certainly no trained professional and these are based on my own experiences and what I've read.

I completely believe that the condition is one of the reasons BPD SOs engage in physical violence. But I also believe that the groups you're talking to are focusing less on them and the reasons behind it, and more on your responses. If they were an alcoholic, and the alcohol led them to hit you, would that similarly be ok? Alcoholism is similarly linked to biological traits, and categorized as a disease. What about if they'd suffered abuse as a child and it was a learned behavior? Still not "their fault... ." but not acceptable either.

For me, I kept thinking that if the condition was the cause, then maybe we could address the condition and it would go away. But she was barely even able to comprehend that it was the level of problem that it was. In fact, from what I've read, we aren't actually helping them when we think we show kindness and forgive them. In fact, by not creating boundaries and holding to them, they come to lose respect for us and see us as "weak." They need those boundaries to function, and for the safety of you and your child, that's an absolutely necessary boundary to hold the line on.

I say all that knowing that I did not follow this advice. I let it keeping happening. And the stats I've read have shown me that regardless of BPD, domestic violence generally escalates in severity, and for me that was the case. Maybe your partner can control himself, maybe he can't. He's an adult though, and his actions are his responsibility, not yours, and you can't "fix" him. I still love my girlfriend. Ex. Whatever. I write that sitting here with four stitches in my head. But I'm working to come to terms with not wanting to live like that for weeks, months, years... .in the hopes that it'll stop and waiting around for the highs of the good times. I wish the same for you.

Good luck with everything, the people on this board are great and such a source of comfort when you just want to reach out SO badly... .and know you shouldn't.

Thank you so much for your response.  Everything you say makes total sense and I'm so grateful that you took the time to share your experiences with me.  I'm sorry to hear about the hard time you have also been having and hope that we can both heal both physically and emotionally in time.  I know it is going to take me a lot of work and I completely agree that my responses have been way off at first, which did allow things to escalate.  I accept full responsibility for this and feel I let both of us down in that respect.  Must admit though, despite throwing him out I am still maintaining contact mainly by phone and the odd brief meeting every couple of weeks.  It is so hard to let go and he is also unable to cut contact. 

I do hold out hope that if he completes the perpetrator programme he is getting referred onto and manages to get access to the DBT we've been striving to secure for him from the mental health services we might have a chance to rebuild in the future.  Maybe I'm too much of an optimist yet I feel I don't want to give up on him and am prepared to stand by him in a supportive way should he stick with these conditions with a view to reinstating a more healthy relationship in time.  I'm hopeful that he can have a mindset shift and learn some skills to better manage his jealousy and anger in less destructive ways.  He feels a lot of shame and guilt around what he has done and it was himself that realised what he'd been subjecting me to with both the verbal and physical venting.  We were at the doctor's surgery and he saw a poster on the wall on the topic.  He said nothing but went later to the library to research further and came home white as a sheet, telling me he had suddenly become aware that his behaviour was completely unacceptable and wanted to seek help.  I gave him a number as I already had a support worker and had literature at the ready for a 'good moment' so he called it immediately and talked openly in front of me about how he wanted to stop this and ensure it could never happen in the future.  They put him onto the Relate people who run the programme, whom he remained in contact with on a regular basis whilst he was here.  I may be deluded but feel that this in itself shows he has awareness enough to possibly reform and learn to manage those behaviours.  Put it this way I never met anyone so determined to change and get their issues under control.  So I hang in... . 

I'm sure in time I'll be on here reporting how things have gone.  Either way I'm now focussing on rebuilding my own life and self esteem which has taken a massive knock, along with my confidence full stop.  Also I have a battle regards my son so there's plenty to keep me occupied.  For myself I have put myself on the list for more counselling in an ongoing long term way and know I need to address my codependence at the very least.  I have a referral to a psychiatrist for an assessment and have been pursuing short courses that will strengthen my soul.  Unfortunately I have a chronic pain condition which means I'm unable to work so if I were to sit around at home I'd become consumed with worries about my SO and what he's doing now. 

I am currently devouring a book by Shari Manning called Loving Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder and learning things I wish I'd known 6 months ago... .It is excellent.  Our communication is improving more than it ever has despite my best efforts in the past with all the other information I've absorbed along the way. 
Distraction is my best coping mechanism right now and a lot of very beneficial self reflection has come out of all this so hopefully I'll come out much stronger and wiser for going through this.  I have learned some valuable lessons that's for sure.  Would be wonderful to have a happy ending for both of us.  I'm the eternal optimist... .

I hope you are able to take some positive learnings from your own experiences and apply these in the future too, whichever way you go from here.  One thing I see from all my reading is our SO's wBPD can be very difficult to live with and very difficult to live without because of their captivating personalities and the ferocity with which they love.  I pray I have the strength to walk away if it becomes clear that it no longer serves me to keep this individual in my life in any capacity.  You have given me serious food for thought and I wish you all the very best in what life brings you next.  Look after yourself.