My question is to other members, how many of you feel there is a fine line between BPD common behaviours such as the rages and accepting that this is in fact domestic abuse? All the services I'm engaging with refuse to agree that his emotional dysregulation has any part in the behaviour and instead are viewing it as clear cut domestic abuse and I'm spending a great deal of my time and energy both fielding criticism and scrutiny because I defend him and trying to gain understanding from others that his condition is clearly a part of the cause.
I've been exploring this topic myself a lot lately, and am so sorry to hear you having to deal with both the physical and emotional elements of it. I have also been on the receiving end of physical violence. It has happened probably 5-6 times over the course of my 10 month relationship. Usually punching or scratching with her nails on my face and neck, but I had a wine glass broken over my head once and most recently a cell phone used to split open my forehead. It leaves you feeling so emotionally drained and overwhelmed, I don't wish that on anyone else.
I have a few thoughts on some of the things you said, with the caveat that I'm certainly no trained professional and these are based on my own experiences and what I've read.
I completely believe that the condition is one of the reasons BPD SOs engage in physical violence. But I also believe that the groups you're talking to are focusing less on them and the reasons behind it, and more on your responses. If they were an alcoholic, and the alcohol led them to hit you, would that similarly be ok? Alcoholism is similarly linked to biological traits, and categorized as a disease. What about if they'd suffered abuse as a child and it was a learned behavior? Still not "their fault... ." but not acceptable either.
For me, I kept thinking that if the condition was the cause, then maybe we could address the condition and it would go away. But she was barely even able to comprehend that it was the level of problem that it was. In fact, from what I've read, we aren't actually helping them when we think we show kindness and forgive them. In fact, by not creating boundaries and holding to them, they come to lose respect for us and see us as "weak." They need those boundaries to function, and for the safety of you and your child, that's an absolutely necessary boundary to hold the line on.
I say all that knowing that I did not follow this advice. I let it keeping happening. And the stats I've read have shown me that regardless of BPD, domestic violence generally escalates in severity, and for me that was the case. Maybe your partner can control himself, maybe he can't. He's an adult though, and his actions are his responsibility, not yours, and you can't "fix" him. I still love my girlfriend. Ex. Whatever. I write that sitting here with four stitches in my head. But I'm working to come to terms with not wanting to live like that for weeks, months, years... .in the hopes that it'll stop and waiting around for the highs of the good times. I wish the same for you.
Good luck with everything, the people on this board are great and such a source of comfort when you just want to reach out SO badly... .and know you shouldn't.
