BPDFamily.com

Ok, I guess the clock has struck my BPD Wife time limit with respect to relationship, married 4 years.  I have written on the site before, but this week it took a turn that I saw coming, but guess I did not think my wife would sink to this low.  I am in NY, so keep in mind, this is a very liberal state, maybe only behind California.

So my wife and I been struggling to live together.  She claims I do not listen, I am not nice, I do not compliment her, I am not listening to her, etc.   Get the common ground here.  HER needs are not met.  Mind you, I work M thru F, she works Sat and Sun.  I am an Insurance Agent, she is a barber.  She takes care of our 2 year old son mainly during the week, at 6pm, I take over, feeding playing until 8pm, then I put him to bed.   I have put him to bed, every single day of his life, minus three days, prior to the past week.  Also, on the weekends, I am with my son, Saturday 7am until 7pm and on Sunday I am with him Sunday 8 until 6pm.  It has been her way since day 1, I have little voice in the home, with respect to my son, etc.  It her way or NO WAY.  If I give an opinion, it falls on deaf ears.

My wife has not made me dinner in weeks, I get home, she hands me control of the baby and I am with him until 9pm, until he sleeps.  I am usually hungry and try to sneak some food together after 9pm

So my wife has hung over my head for awhile, that she would take my kid and I would get visitation rights.  But then a week later, she would say, Brian do not worry, you are a good father, I would never take your son away.  10 days ago, she comes to me and asks me to hold her, she cries in my arms.

Her step father abused her sexually age 6 to 14, her mother when she learned, painted my wife as a liar, a drug addict, no way her husband could do it, he is a catholic and my wifes mother was jealous of her daughter...   SICK.   She smeared my wife, to the family and wife became distant.  My wife struggles with any sort of relationship with her mother, her mother has EXTREME narcissist traits, EXTREME, maybe the worst I have ever seen.  Her mother is still married to the man who had abused my wife for 8 years.

Now, fast forward, my wife served me with an Order of Protection.  No Contact, No 500 feet of my child, her, work, YMCA and I was removed from the home.

She has claimed when I do not have marijuana I am an angry person.  She has claimed that I have been mentally and emotionally abusing her for the entire time of marriage.  She says she fears me.  THE worst, she said I picked up my 2 year old son, shook him violently, slammed him on the couch.  ALL LIES, well I do smoke herb once in a while to help me sleep, but by no means am I an aggressive person like she has painted me to be.

I have not seen my son in over a week.  I have Family Court to respond to her allegations, the petitioner.  I am fearful, that a judge initially bought into this, maybe I can be railroaded.

I want to be clear, it is I who has been under immense pressure from this woman.  I have been told I am this and that, been told the marriage was mistake. ETC, I feel terrible about all of this, but I have never dreamt of this,

Here is some things of point, She never called the police after so called assaults, the police who served me said she may look like a liar in court.  I am very emotional, it is hard to hold back the tears.  I have chased away friends, hobbies, family only to come home every day to her, EVERY DAY. 

I have never been arrested, nor demonstrated any sort of aggressive behaviors in my life.

She has been arrested in the past, kicked out the police car windows, she has now placed the 4th order of protection on the 4th man.  Her mother said she has BPD four years ago, I had trouble believing her, so 6 months ago when this relationship was faltering.  I reached out to her father, tearfully he confirmed she was diagnosed BPD, help in hospital several months, given medication, but soon after release she stop taking them.  She has destroyed things in our home.  I have a police report when she attempted to take my son out at 8pm in a storm, mind you, she has no friends, her best friend is her 85 year old Nana.

I feel she will serve me with divorce docs on Wednesday.  She has the locks changed on the door, requested my name of the lease and had my cousin pick up the dog, she can not do the dog and a 2 year old. 

I am terrified, I am heading to Family Court with a lawyer.  I have several emails that show me trying to connect with her for 7 months, she has not responded to some.  I have copies. 

How can I get the judge to see this info, the Mental Health of her MUST be brought into play, I am getting a mental evaluation.  This is so crazy.  Her arrest records, her 4 Orders of Protection, unstable life style, I been proving for he for 4 years, a nice clean apt, etc.

She has not reached out to one of my family members, I had no idea where my son was as she worked, I feel likely with an aunt of hers.

I need my boy, I have accepted this marriage is over.  She will not seek help for her abuse, or her BPD. 

She has shown her card, she wants to get full custody based on me being a druggie, mental and emotional abuse on her and physcial abuse on my 2 year old son.

Breaks my heart she went this way... .  I need help, I need advice...

Family court has me scared... .  I MUST get the judge to realize, she has issues... . 

Im afraid to lose my son... . 

First, take some deep breaths.  You'll get through this stressful time.

I believe what happened is she filed an ex parte motion for protection and included your son.  Basically the court just rubber stamped the motion, granting it until a hearing could be held where both parties can (in a short hearing) present their cases.  So yes, she gets to block you at least until the hearing.  That's where you bring in your proactive lawyer and deny her claims, especially the ones concerning the child.  One good point to make is that you've been regularly caring for your son on a daily basis.  Another is to highlight her past interactions with the police and her multiple cases filed against those other men. It is a pattern of behavior.  Bring the case numbers or copies of the files.  If you have documentation of her getting mental health services or treatment, then that's very helpful too.  There may not be time to handle them all but at least try.  (Bring 3 copies, one for judge, one for yourself and one for her.  That's probably how your court accepts evidence.)

I see this as very important, I don't know what your lawyer would think... .  The court will probably be inclined to have you, the accused, submit to a psych eval and ignore the possibility that the accuser may need one too.  While that's more or less okay, that is precisely the time to get you BOTH to take psych evals.  This way the court is looking at BOTH of you, not just you the accused.

The same goes for substance abuse testing.  She has raised the issue and since I presume you're clean, get that aspect set on equal footing too, try to get BOTH of you tested.  Maybe even periodic surprise tests.  If you know or suspect she's been using or misusing drugs, then it needs to get out in the open and she was the one that opened that door.  Even if you both come out clean, it will demonstrate that you are not a danger to her or the child in that way and that she falsely made claims - or intimations - about you.

This is not the time to take the 'typical' advice and sit quietly and let the court do whatever.  You need to try to get the best temp order possible since temp orders in our sorts of cases last a lot longer than with normal cases.  (Mine was nearly two years.)  That means you need to have a Plan A, Plan B, etc.  Have multiple strategies and use the ones most likely to succeed.  Be the parent with more than complaints, have practical solutions!  Be seen as the problem solving parent.

There's a lot more to write but soon others will post their impressions and suggestions as well.  If I recall correctly, your state usually has the spouses living together during the divorce, probably hoping the spouses will reconcile.  Now that she has made such extreme allegations, that approach may not happen.  Include in your strategies how the two of you can live separately.  Sounds like she will need to increase her hours at work.  Very crucial, try to get the best parenting schedule and custodial responsibility as possible.  Ponder how you can get child care, perhaps some in your family or maybe daycare (she's likely to blacklist sooner or later the caregivers who are your relatives).

I also faced an ex parte motion for protection and she included our son.  Twice.  The first time CPS contacted me on my way to work.  I had a phone conversation with the investigator.  He appeared at the followup hearing and told the magistrate CPS had "no concerns" about me.  Magistrate promptly removed our preschooler from the case and he set up a typical mother friendly temp order - all I got was alternate weekends and an evening in between.  There was no evidence for lopsided order like that except that I worked a regular 5 day work schedule.  But it was A LOT BETTER than what crumbs she was willing to grant me.  There's a truism here, court is likely to be less unfair than the obstructive spouse.

Somehow we both were ordered to get psych evals.  The results were to be shared with both attorneys and court.  I was fine with that, even elated, since I figured she would be under scrutiny too.  However, that relief turned into shock when I realized I had turned over my results but she never did.  For all I know she never even went for her psych eval.  And not even my lawyer cared about that, everyone just moved on.

Great response from Forever Dad. And I am so, so sorry this is happening. This really is just temporary- keep that in mind to help you cope. The hearing(s) to come will be much more important.

 I know your attorney will be your main source of help but definitely do start tracking down any and every piece of evidence you can get your hands on- which will include all emails, texts, etc. You can get copies of police reports by request.  Contact your insurance company to get any records that would demonstrate her mental health issues like in patient care for mental health or meds if you can't get your hands on records. Make sure your statement of opposition is absolutely spot on with clear evidence/exhibits. This is not the time to play nice- bring out all your concerns about her into the light of day now by focusing on her behavior (not your interpretation of it) and show the concerning patterns and history. You have to think a bit like a detective and also stay calm. Explain that you have been the primary caregiver - perhaps graph the actual weekly schedule, etc. Hang in there! You can do this.

I been reading about family law, mostly pertaining to what to do and not to do in my situation as the respondent.  Again, how in the world is the law set up in this manner that a vengeful, mentally unstable person can just walk in and cause chaos not only in my life, but also leave lasting effects on my son.  I know he has to be wondering where i am, he is only 2 1/2 but brilliant.  It breaks my heart, I can hear him in my mind like he does often, "Where is Dada"

I will be staying at my parents home, yeah embarrassing, I am 44, but at least I can get back on my feet, financially and emotionally.  the Toll I have faced in this marriage is not something to take lightly.  I have learned BPD can destroy you, I mean DESTROY YOU!  I literally have given up everything to try and appease her, translation.  I have lived with her four years, 99% I leave work and head home.  Weekends, if I go anywhere I take my son with me to my parents.

I want joint custody, then I am sure she can migrate towards the job she loves to do; Bartender.  This is where i found her.  She basically uses men to gain what she wants IE: Restaurants, gifts, compliments.   Funny thing, she claims to be such a deeply practicing Christian, but the Pastor I know finds it odd, she is ok fueling alcohol in a bar setting.  My goal and prayer is I get my son, every week, Thursday thru Sunday.  I know i am climbing a mountain with out O2.  But that is my goal. Then she can go back to the bar life.  Neither one of us drink. 

I am preparing a bullet point document that does two things:  1: I will show certain habits my wife has demonstrated, 4 orders or protection taken out vs 4 men, I want to bring to light her past arrest records, I want to bring to light the fact she spent the summer in the hospital, diagnosed BPD, (does no treatment, she feels the bible is enough.)  I want to show, she has lead an unstable life style.  Questionable decision making.  I have several emails me pleading with her, to recognize her anger, recognize there is a problem and I state clearly, I can not help you, but I can support you, we need professional help.  In these emails, I use exact moments of her abuse towards me, her anger, etc...    Never has she responded.

My second Document is one aimed at my son.  First, completely and utterly denying abuse, in fact, she did this to me shows she is a black heart and confirms my deep thought.  She intends to destroy my name and to take my child away.  She goes so far in the Order to say, "I just want Brian to leave me and our son alone"  I will point out, I am the one who puts him to bed every night, I wake up with him every morning.  I also take care of him every weekend his entire life.  We have a great bond, him and I.  I do not want every other weekend.  WHen I say I gave up everything, I did.  I enjoy being a father.  She sighs, complains and always says being a mom is so hard.  I advise her, talk lightly, one day you will miss the toddler years... .

Now I have prepared a statement, I am thinking about addressing the court before he/she passing down judgement.  I just want to beg the judge to pull her records, 4 orders of protection, previous arrest record maybe more, she did damage to a police car once.  I will bring to light her step father is married to her mother, I think the court should state our son can not be there due to sexual abuse history with my wife and her step father.  I want to bring to light, all three parents separately explained to me, that my wife was diagnosed BPD.  I want to show my wife previous to me, had a hard time being in a stable environment, a traditional Credit Report may expose her address count to several dozen.   She has terrible credit, a bankruptcy and always has rented from men, and alot of times these turned romantic and eventually ugly.  My wife is very beautiful to some men, I see a monster, I lost my attraction long ago.

Please, please, please be aware that each statement you make must be backed up by a form of documentation. It isn't the Judge's job to pull her records. Your lawyer should help with this, so you go into court with a list of the case numbers and the disposition of each charge against her. Also, you need to be able to show the four previous TROs... .name of the man, date of the TRO, result.  Her diagnosis matters only in terms of her behaviors, so focus on dysfunctional behaviors and in-patient hospitalization that indicates a need for a psychological evaluation.

It's political thing... .family court approves retaining orders as a matter of fact so that there are no stories  in he newspaper that say "women asked court for protect, was refused, and was injured". Don't take it personal.

Also, a third of contested custody cases include allegation of sexual abuse - the courts are aware of this ploy.

My message is "don't freak out" - this is a typical game of dirty pool.

The best response is to read about how to handle these things so that you 1) "don't make yourself suspicious", and 2) know the local bias of your court and get a strategy that has worked in other cases. In other words, figure out how the system works and work it- don't get lost in your indignation - no matter how much you deserve to feel the way you do.

How do people get a Order of Protection issued with no proof then, it is her word against mine, in the mean time, I am out of the house, out of clothes, food, money, important access to papers...  I am behind the 8 ball, and I am sure anyone is when this is allowed to be done in this manner.  I have done nothing wrong, of course we have disagreements, but all couples do.  She has fabricated stories to gain an advantage heading into court, custody, etc.   Now I am left scrambling fighting to see my child, whom I have not seen since 8:07am Wednesday the 24th, my court date is Wednesday, but what I read is freightening, I may have just five minutes to fight for access to my son.

What is sad, it is a no contact, no third party, if that weren't the case, at least my parents, my sister could reach out an ask her not to go this route...  

But the rationale side is pointless, I know I am in for an ugly fight, why?  Her mother did this to here, 37 years ago with her own father.

Now I am left wondering, where my son is today, how he has been, is he ok, who was he with when she worked, all these questions not being able to be asked makes it clear, this law, this ability is heinous and needs reform.  Trust me, I get it, it is needed. Them woman are truly abused, truly in fear need this, but if anyone where to spend time with us, the writing on the wall is clear...

So you say I need evidence, how can I pull her Orders cause I need to show my license.  She has no evidence, at least I have countless emails me attempting to solve the issues, trying to get us into counseling, talking about her aggression, etc...

She has never responded, well not the last 6 months.

Why go this route, can she be this evil to hurt me, hurt our child, all for what, to gain Sole Custody, which in turns crushes me.  She knows I am a wonderful father, every weekend of his life, I been with him, sun up to sun down while she works...   Weekdays the role is reversed...

It is a disgusting world...

This is a typical reaction and it is not the best one. You actually don't need to show the judge she has issues because he isn't judging who is the better human, he just gave her a temporary relief and convince him the more you are not a risk.

If you come in blasting that she is the bad one, the system will eat you.


Notice how the US president refuses to work within established protocols during his first 4 months in office*? The system is eating him up. Don't do the same. Your goal is to find out what you local court likes and give it to them.

Members here cab help.  

* Not a political statement - I'm only referring to established protocols - not policy or beliefs .

Skip thanks for responding...    So give me some advice.  I am well spoken, articulate and I can control my emotions.  I have my doubts about her.

The abuse statement is this: She claims I picked up my son, screamed in his face, shook him violently to the point he was scared, fearful then I slammed him on the couch.

Here is the truth: I was cooking dinner, he just threw the Tablet on the floor again, she sighed and asked me to discipline him, so I go pick him up eye to eye, I say NO, do not throw your moms tablet, he of course, the lips begins to quiver, I put him on the couch and ask him to count to 10.  I have always advised me wife, when disciplining, bring them to your eye level or go to theirs.

Other stuff I could careless, she has stated almost from the get go she does not want to be married.  She asked me to leave, I could not, my cousin did and got crushed with abandonment.  So I stayed and begged for counseling only to be told I would get the Counselor against her.  We also had moments where some odd reason, she would start crying for some odd reason, this was recent.  I think she knew what was coming and at times GUILT kicks in, but I find that hard, cause I see little to no empathy.

My lawyer said our focus is get the order removed, I have no interest in her at this stage, I just want to have my kid, Joint Custody.  I want him Thursday thru Sunday, which would allow her to max her income potential with what I give her.  If the order stays in place and I am served papers for divorce, lawyer said this then makes my case harder. 

Honestly, I just want to hold my boy, tell him I love him, Miss him.   I tear cause I can not believe this.

what is to expect in family court.  When I go in there, her accusations I assume means I will have a chance to defend myself.   Can My attorney at this stage go to hers BEFORE, and advise, Look, Brian has no arrest record, no prior abuse claims, nothing, he can provide many character witnesses which show him being heavily involved with children, etc.    Her past is vastly different.

SO I have been able to uncover one arrest of hers, she was arrested for Criminal Mischief in the 4th Degree, does not give me details, but I got the court Document.  I have made three copies and hopefully this stuff like this will help me and my lawyer to convince her to drop all of this and head to mediation rather courts...

Keep digging, more is probably out there, somewhere.  However, be careful not to stray into Private Detective world, they're trained, certified and bonded to do things we can't.  Probably part of the TRO is for you not to stalk or harass her or those around her.  So be careful not to go to 'her' places or ask the wrong people, 'her' advocates.  Probably sticking to the legal aspect with police reports, court records, etc should be okay.  Ask your lawyer what you can and can't do.  Did she live elsewhere in other townships, counties?  Check in those areas too.  Keep it to unemotional simple inquiries, best not to describe her as being bad, crazy or whatever.

Generally courts prefer to order alternate weekends.  It gives each parent time with the children for activities such as mini trips to visit family, amusement parks, camping and other multi-day activities.  It is almost universal except in cases where a parent works weekends such as firemen, police, doctors, nurses and... .possibly bartending?  Things to watch out for with an underhanded spouse:

• Being limited to a short weekend.  Ask for a long weekend, such as from EOD Friday to BOD Monday.  You can avoid personal encounters at exchanges (high risk of conflict) if you pick him up from daycare, school or sitter on Friday and then drop him off at daycare, school or sitter on Monday morning.  (My temp order gave me Friday PM to Monday PM.)
• Bring a chart or calendar, partly to visually depict the typical patterns and partly to list your journal or logs of activities.  She will claim "he always... ." but without specifics and that is generally considered hearsay and largely ignored.
• You may only get a half hour to present your response and get the details of a parenting schedule worked out.  That means a lot of what you want to present won't get addressed.  Decide with your lawyer what are the more urgent needs.  Put them in writing, if only for your notes for court, so important issues are handled at court and not skipped or forgotten.  Your lawyer may be inclined to 'wing it'.  That's often not a good strategy with someone who is probably emotionally compelling in her complaints and obstinately refuses to reason or be reasonable.
• Since this is a temp protective order, it won't last long.  Likely you'll be able to exclude your child from the adult conflict issues.  That seems to be a high priority for courts in general.  So understand that you may need to give priority to establishing that you're not a danger to your child, not with a history of parenting every evening and every weekend.
• Marriage vs Parenting... .Be aware, the marriage is ending, that's a foregone conclusion.  While you can say you regret it failed, beware of saying you want her back, the court may wonder if you really are a controller as she may have claimed, wanting her back under your control.  However, your parenting is not ending and your top priority is to get the best order possible.  (Okay, also to get the protective order undone as much as possible.)  Temp orders have been known to morph into final orders since the judge assumes the temp order must be working.  That's why you want to best temp order walking out of these hearings, of course what you want is not always what you get, but still you do your reasonable best.

It has to be that way in order to protect people who are actually in danger until the hearing and any investigation can take place.  Sadly, the law is often written in a way blind to how others can abuse it. 

I think ForeverDad and others on here have given sound advice:

• Gather ALL documentation you can
• Agree that BOTH of you should submit to substance abuse testing
• Be open with your own lawyer about her habits, her diagnosis, and her past behavior - the lawyer SHOULD have an idea what documentation you can look for the help prove your case, and/or be able to send in some requests for that information if it's not in your hands

We, here, can tell that she is acting our of BPD out of control emotions.  But she is using a child as a tool to make you feel pain, and that needs to be prevented if it can. 

One thing that saved us in our TRO hearings was knowing the law... .uBPDbm made claims for the TRO that didn't fall under the legal definition for domestic violence so the case got thrown out without even hearing either side's testimony. (Man was uBPDbm peeved off!). Read your state's law!

You could probably arrange to go back to your house with a police officer and get your things. Ask a lawyer about that.

The judges have seen this tactic before... .you're not the first father who suddenly turns violent just days before being served divorce papers (how convenient).

Be prepared to record encounters if BPDmom tries to entrap you into violating the restraining order.

This is really important.

It's also important to get the an exact copy of the complaint she filed.

Your defense is first and foremost that you did not technically commit offenses that would justify a RO (ie, you weren't where she said you where, you didn't do what she said, and/or she is making claims that are not meaningful). It is also important to suggest her alternative motive and here threat to do so and that she has done this before.

Avoid getting into "he said, she said details, or trying to prove she is mentally ill or got busted in college... .its too removed.

These hearings are short - you need to get just a few effective shots in.

My lawyer said, she been doing this for 15 years, I am scared, nervous and extremely sad... .  But I explained, we do not have many assets, in fact, I want my clothes, my auto, she can have everything else.  But lets cut this BS, we both do not need to go into debt, thousands of dollars to face a bitter divorce.  It is over!  Im not a threat like she claims, we will adamantly deny all allegations.  My lawyer said, she will negotiate.  But since I am ready, she will offer the route to remove it all, and begin to learn to co-parent and raise our kids.  We will be tied together for the rest of our lives, it is time to set aside the petty her attempt to get a leg up in custody or divorce.  I begged for counseling only to be told I would get the counselor against her.  So we are here.

It has been so long since I seen my boy.  She called my cousin to pick up the dog and told him to bring the dog back cause my son misses the dog.  No mention of me.

I PRAY my next relationship, I have learned enough to stay clear of BPD.  It is a very damaging aspect.

THank you all for your input, your advice...    I know the truth, so that is what I hope will guide me to my son.  I have many character letters, emails, past info so if we do go court, trial, it may no go as she thinks.

She has threatened me in the past, DO NOT WORRY, YOU WILL GET YOUR SON TWICE A MONTH, or DONT WORRY, CHILD SUPPORT AND ALIMONY WILL BE TAKEN AUTO.  Them are the sad threats...

Then she said this to me about 2 weeks ago, "You think I am a monster, I know you love him, he loves you, you are a good father, I would never try to take him away"

Also, like 10 days ago, she came, began to weep like a baby in my arms, but I could not get her to open up.  I am heading to a therapist today, I must speak and get past these chains that have been on me, my thoughts always go to help her, to try and help her see the issue, the abuse from her life, but if she does not want to, I can not force.  I am not gonna sit around and believe her reading the bible is enough,  IT IS NOT!

I have the order with me at all times, the police told me to do so.  JUST IN CASE there is an attempt at entrapment.  I have been holed up at the parents, not even thinking about going to a store, etc.

I have faced many things head on in my life, usually without fear!  I been to the streets of Baghdad by myself in 2003, I slept in a Nippa Hut in the Philippines, I have traveled all over the world, crashed bikes, been very sick.  Faced giants of men...    But you know what makes me terrified!

Facing what appears to be my soon to be ex-wife in Family court!  I am so nervous, so worried.  Why?  Cause I did nothing wrong, but the accusations against me are sad.  Mentally abused my wife, she claims I physically abused my 2 year old.  It has me angry at moments, knowing she caved into this BPD and presented me to be a monster.  Now I have a stay away her and my son.  I pray, I can see my boy soon.  It has been 171 hours since I last seen him, I know it doesn't seem like a lot.  But I was very active in his life, every day!  I put him to bed, I woke with him, if he woke in the night I attended to him, Weekend All day with me while the wife worked.

Now I face an uncertain future.  I went to a therapist last night.  Best advice I got from her was, that I have all of her failures on me, thus I project them, when in fact I likely did not fail at this marriage. 

I am asking her to remove everything, she knows it is a lie, my offer, I pay for entire mediation, contents she can have it all, I just want my clothes.  Join Custody.  I pray she takes this.  She may want to go her own "Hollywood divorce".  The therapist stated if she is smart or her lawyer is she will take it due to her past being in question, mine crystal clear.  God I hope so.  Doubtful I told her...  

Hi, Lost in Desert.

I read your story and saw so much of my own reflected in there. My STBuBPDxw has not to date accused me of abuse, but the household, the work, the care of your son, the abuse from father in law, the narcissist mother in law, the lack of dinners cooked for me ... .basically all of it is the same.

I am in process of divorce right now, and I want to encourage you to please not panic and rush to what you will accept v. what you want. That's what I did. I was so scared of losing everything, I immediately accepted a lesser custody. Now, I am fighting uphill to get to 50/50, which in retrospect, there was absolutely no reason to give that up. My xw came out proposing I see my sons every other weekend only, basically completely rewriting the history of how I spent every weekend and weeknight with them. Being out of the day to day FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt) of being with my xw, I can see how I jumped at something better than terrible.

All this to say, yes, your son is and should be your number 1 priority. But don't sell yourself short. I, too, was willing to throw everything my wife's way if she would just let me maintain contact with my sons. Now, not so much. I have learned that the imbalanced agenda in our marriage grows into an extremely imbalanced agenda in divorce. The only one who can stop that is me - not the lawyers, not the mediator, not the court. If I am not clear on what it is that I want and know that I should get, no one is going to advocate for me.

Don't rush to offer her everything, to pay for everything out of fear. Take a breath. Talk to your L. Ask questions of folks on this board. Your wife will take what you offer and keep asking and expecting more. It's your choice, but at some point, you have to find what you need and want. And of course, balance that with your child's welfare being central in all of your choices.

Let us know how it went. We are here to walk this journey with you.

Thank you, eerie how similar stories are.  Kalief Browder made a stand, I watched his documentary, he was arrested at age 16 for a crime he did not do, and stayed in jail for roughly three years trying to clear his name.

My point, I will not admit guilt to anything I did not do to gain even a crumb back.  I want 50/50, anything else I do not care about...

That is my goal.

Thank you for sharing, I am heading to court now, barely slept in 7 days, barely ate, I have a great support group at home, my sister mainly, and my employer is fully with me.  They are shocked, every time I earned something, I was always happy cause of my family reward.

My parents, old country mentality thinks she may pull it today, NOT A CHANCE...   Once the thought enters her mind, it is over and now she is out to crush me, using my kid at the tool to cause me pain. 

Im nervous, but well prepared if the judge is to ask me questions, I also have a female lawyer who is well known... .  and I been told, AMAZING, but she hopes to only have to rep me today, get us in mediation.  I already signed off on the lease, she can have it all, material things mean nothing to me...   My son means the world...

It is sad... .  honestly, but in reality, her mother did this when my wife was just 2 years old, her father predicted it and he is correct, it is happening to me now...    They are not close, I am shocked he has not called me yet, but honestly, he likely has no clue...

I will post in a bit...

For those of you in my situation, there is hope.  But there still needs to be great reform in our current law system in the USA with respect to Family Court and the process in which orders of protection are issued.  It is not fair, say for the man/woman to be at work and to simply be blindsided; removed from the home, the family, the children and that person can be left in the dark, literally!  Not able to speak to the other side makes any sort of compromise or conversation impossible.  I can see why and how people crack and HAVE to reach out to the other side.  I DID NOT.

Court was nerve racking, but I have an EXCELLENT attorney, in fact one of the best in the building.  The early stages of negotiation went back and forth, not settled, then we went into court.

Two extreme different views I am sure from the Judges View.  My wife acted out several times, I basically sobbed.  Her lawyer was even heard saying out loud calm down.  Plus the Clerk was rolling her eyes towards that side of the courtroom.  I believe the Judge sees thru this cloud of deceit that is against me. 

On my side, I am sobbing, in large part that I am there.  I always told my wife, do not throw our child into the Courts, then he must swim with sharks.  But her selfishness is so extreme she can't even put her child first!  SAD BUT TRUE, but know she is a good mom.   I was dressed like an insurance agent, business casual, dress shirt, etc.  My wife wore a Shirt with her arms exposed, hair down and tattoos up and down her arms being shown.  My lawyer 20 years experience, her lawyer just out of law school public defender.   Her lawyer actually had purple stripes in her hair.  At one point after I rejected what is called Facetime and Snapchat with my 2 year old, he finally said, enough, to the petitioner side, he said, PICK SOMEONE, this man appears to be a good man, works, been involved in his sons life daily.  PICK someone, they were scrambling, squabbling with each other trying to figure out an arrangement, not prepared, I WAS.  He then said, we usually come back in a few weeks, but something is here.  In fact, Petitioner please exit the room with assistance, he then turned to me and asked that I move outside, he wanted to speak to the lawyers ALONE.  I never looked to my wife during court, always ahead, NO MATTER WHAT, even though she was objecting to stuff.  She did not want my son at my parents home due to my brother, he was hooked on pills, but been in a treatment program and has been clean 5 years this March.  So I did not object, I just wanted to see my son.  Saturday and Sunday I get to.  I also rejected her own mother, but oddly I heard her say, "What is wrong with my mother"  Mind you, my wife would often wish her own mother dead, or hated even speaking to her, her mother was to protect my wife as a child and did the opposite.  My wifes abuse, sadness is part of what drew me in, I wanted to protect her, help her feel safe. 

BUT, the judge cleared the room and asked to speak to the lawyers ALONE.  Now I have to go get an assessment, but since I do not drink, do not do drugs, it is basically a mute point, it will cost me $200 which Stinks, but oh well. 

We go back Thursday, drug assessment is Monday.  I will be clean, cause I am.  SO I am not sure what is going to happen next.

I hope my wife gets this order removed, my son has been removed from it.  But for her to still claim that I am a threat to her and she does not want me around her job(I never been there) or the YMCA(never been there), Apartment(never going back) it means one thing!  My wife likely found a guy thru her job, mind you she is a barber.   So she is buying time.   Until I am out of the picture, she always claimed the chimes from her phone was from E-MAILS, I do not use a smart phone, so she plays me as dumb.  I don't know if she is physical yet, but I know it is At-least emotional cheating.  I have not even crossed that path REMOTELY.  I do not know for 100%, but I am a man.  When the woman pulls back almost all physical contact it spells trouble, the more I read of BPD it seems these people are truly using their beauty and looks to achieve WHAT they want.  Just like my wife befriending her Aunt again after not being part of the family for 10 years.  She NOW needs her to babysit.  The other reason I think my wife has someone, SHE DID NOT ASK me for money, When she could have, my lawyer found that odd, she could have gotten maintenance, emergency support and child support, I had 1500 in my pocket JUST IN CASE.  I told my lawyer and sister, YOU STILL do not get it, she has someone NEW in her life, maybe makes more than me, this shark is circling and she will bit soon, but maybe not until I am out of the picture.  But also, I am not the jealous type, I never snoop, never drive by, never stalk, I am 44, been around the world 5 times, it not my first rodeo, I am no slouch either, lil chubbier than I like.

So my wife is now nervous according to a family member, cause she now knows my LAWYER is NO JOKE!

As scary and stressful as this situation is, it sounds like you'll do ok.  The problem I can foresee is that even if the protection order is tossed out, your wife may continue with the false allegations which could land you back in court or even arrested.  Speaking from personal experience, the best advice I can offer you is to be prepared.  Have a place lined up where you can stay at least temporarily but on a moments notice.  Keep in mind whatever time you have at the matrimonial home may be your last.  As such collect everything important (documents, clothes, personal belongings, etc) and have them either stored offsite or at the very least make sure you take them with you if you're forced from the home.  Make a list and keep it with you.  It's hard to think straight and remember everything under high stress.  You may not get a second chance!  I can't stress that strongly enough.  It's difficult to play catch up when your spouse controls the contents and the access.  Police will NOT help you get your stuff (without a court order), they will keep the peace which means if your wife contests anything you want to take it stays put.

Being assertive and proactive is the best chance you have at coming out of this with the least amount of scars.

Thank you to everyone...   I am on a long road to recovery myself, to find myself again, to save money again, to gain my identity back.  The worst thing about court was this, she actually said when I rejected her mother as a Supervisor for my kid, "What is wrong with my mother"  that was the closest I came to losing my composure, but instead tears fell more due to the thought, HOW CAN SHE VIEW THIS RIGHT.  She hates her mom, but now she needs her, What the heck.  He mother has cause my wife pain since she was born, SINCE SHE WAS BORN.

Plus, she did not shed one tear in court, NOT ONE.  I pray the judge takes notice. 

My family is in the hate mode, but they do not understand her or the BPD.  I can not hate her, she is my kids mom, plus the abuse she has endured, it is sad and that is what made me want to protect her.  But in the end, once the baby came, the devalue of me began.  She does not need me in her eyes, she wants to do this alone, or with someone who has money.  Cause it is odd, to take me off the lease so fast, not ask for any money in court, etc...  

She thinks she can control court, but sadly, she has thrown our son into this mess, court I PRAY sees thru the BS.  Again, she acted out, I was calm, crying, but calm.  Just sad, to say I mentally and emotionally abused her, What the heck.  But to get the ORder, she had to say I was abusive to my kid.

These groups in family court, the advocacy groups are CORRUPT, the system needs to be changed.  Had the court done their home work, RUN A POLICE check, run a check in the states system to see if other orders were taken, take my name, run it in the system.  None of this is done.  NONE.  The law here is horrid.

Also, my heart breaks now, cause I know I will collapse in tears when I can hug him for the first time in 10 days, then after a few hours I will feel like dying when I have to leave him,  if he cries DADA DADA as I walk out, I will be crushed... .   I am now...   WHY WHY WHY.    But I can not talk to my wife, I can not reach out to her family or have my family reach out to her.

But the therapist I went an emergency session said it best.  Since I have put an ultimatum in for example, I was not going to resign the lease, get help.  She had to get me first.  She taught about the whole BLACK AND WHITE element in BPDs and how they can not see grey.  Also she said BPDs try to blow up the world they live in, including kids, their selfishness is so extreme even the wellness of a child can not stop them.  She ended on this, they are the hardest to live with, they are the hardest to break up with and they are the hardest to treat.

She thinks she is in control.  I am not going back!  Not a chance!  I have lived under the pressure, the isolation for so long, I must get my mind and body right again.

I forgive her now, but I can not forgive the fact she has thrown my child into this mess. 

I PRAY she realizes, she can keep it all, I do not care about material things, I can rebuild my life quick.  The judge has to toss her case out I pray Thursday. 

Today first visit supervised at my soon ex wifes aunts house...   I had a premonition at 4am, yes, I was up at 4 with anticipation, fear, anxiety to see my 2 year old boy for the first time in over 10 days.  SO I had my sister and her fiance meet me there. 

Guess what, the ex was there.  So I drove by, parked in the home down the street.  My sister jumped out of her car and walked over.  BPDW had the nerve to say, you can go have your brother come over.  My sister shot that down, "I can assure you, he will not look over here, he will not get out of that car while you are here, and YOU KNOW THIS.  YOU KNOW he can't be near you.  You got the order, he is afraid of you"  I love my sister dearly.

She pulled away, I pulled in.  Sad, to see my boy, he was distant at first, clearly confused, saddened. He was asking for mommy, which is expected.  After about 30 minutes he warmed up to me.

Crazy part, her father in another state did not know what has happened in the past two weeks, but he is not shocked, he is not an advocate, he calls her on the BS.  He also knows the rest of the family knows her master manipulative ways.

Worst, when I had to leave, my boy clinged to me, saying, Dada, Dada, Dada, Dada over and over, tears...   I will never forgive for her action.

But she is in trouble now, to invite me over, I will hand this info to my lawyer and I am sure the order will be tossed.  I want nothing to do with her, but he involved with my son.  She is damaged, so damaged, she can not see even the harm she causes to a 2 year old.

Next time (if she is there again) turn on your phone and record. Glad your sister was able to intervene this time but your stbx might also go after your sister.  You don't want to escalate things.  You might not be able to use the recording in court but it might get her to leave and it could protect you if things do escalate.

Panda39

Before, during and immediately after a supervised visit, have that recorder handy if not turned on for the duration.

Your STBX is probably just now realizing the reality of what the protection order means. She has effectively put you OUT of the way of being able to manipulate you. I could 99% guarantee she didn't think through the consequences when she filed the PO. She actually wants you to be another person to carry out her desires and needs, but now that won't be possible.

Also, having someone with you at the beginning of each visit would continue to be a good thing. There's a very low level of trust there.

Thanks... .  She also said, to my sister, you are not suppose to be here(control freak), but my sister was quick to interject, "his lawyer advised I come, to make sure this situation does not exist, we do not trust you, in fact, YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSE TO BE HERE"  My sister noticed she kept her Aviator glasses on, protecting her eyes from revealing her BS.  My sister says it bugs her she hides this way.  My sister said on her second visit, she smelled a fraud, cause she would not look in my sisters eyes.

So odd this BPD stuff, how they act.  My lawyer will use this interaction to try and get the Order removed calling her on the BS, then we will question her actions, to basically control the situation, every aspect.  But I do not need her any more, she has shown me nothing for years, I do not want to see her...   There is no more love...

Breaks my heart, I wanted nothing but my little family to last, but her mind can not foster, can not nurture...   BPD is fascinating to me.

This ought to be reported to the court, that she would give instructions for you to violate the order and risk the order's consequences.  It shows this is posturing and not fear.  Also, I am sure the court did not expect or intend for your stbEx to be present during your visits with your son.  With a high conflict protection case and an impending divorce, the parents need to have separate parenting time, truly separate, none of this I'll be nearby or I'll just monitor.


So similar to my case.  When our first protection orders were dismissed, so was the temp schedule.  She immediately blocked contact, turned out to be 3 months before we had the divorce case's initial hearing.  Magistrate wasn't shocked, just said "I'll fix that" and made another temp order where I again had alternate weekends.  She then said she had an out of town activity she wanted to take our preschooler on and wanted to cancel my weekend to the next one.  Magistrate only let her delay my reunion, starting the weekend on Sat 8 pm rather than Fri 6 pm.  (I was stunned and outraged, I was totally blocked for 3 months and he decided to split the difference, I got my reunion weekend but she got one of those days.)

Well, despite having only two days of a shortened weekend, we had a wonderful time.  When it was time to go he was shocked and refused.  I realized then that he thought he was now going to live with me, not mommy.  He sobbed and pleaded not go back to mommy.  He had only recently turned 4 years old.  He locked himself in his bedroom, once we got the door open and calmed him down a bit I carried him out to the minivan, he struggled valiantly to stop me putting him in.  I had to call my brother to drive while I set next to him.  He was crying to stay, after a few miles he turned away from me and stared out the window.  I imagine he felt so betrayed.  Fortunately he fell asleep by the time we got to the sheriff's office and the exchange wasn't as bad a s I feared.

My sister is awesome, she is well educated and will do a write up with exactly what took place, word for word.  Mind you, I was a good distance away, my windows up, did not look over, even though hearing my son cry nearly broke me...  

I am again up at 4am, with so much anticipation, fear, anxiety.  WHen I go to say good bye again, it will break my heart.  And I will be back in limbo, not talk, nothing until court Thursday.  Which I do not understand.  I have my Drug and Alcohol session tomorrow, which is funny, I literally do not drink, take pills for anything and I smoke herb once in a while.  If I was in a state were it was legal, I would consume something mainly to sleep.  But she feels it is the 1950s still and weed is associated with the devil.  To top it off, I am confident at my session tomorrow, i will piss clean and the session will end clearly showing I have one addiction, MY SON.

The fact she invited me over, is a sign, her mental make up is not sound.  I want to question her aspect of reality.  Question her mind.  Also, I have to go with police monday I am asking my sister to be with me, as I pick up my clothing.  Been a hard two weeks with respect to clothes, haha.  

My wife is very attractive, this plays into this whole BPD thing I believe.  Cause at her job, she can satisfy the ego stroking that is needed.  Our boy also helps her gain attention, he is a beautiful lil boy, BRIGHT blue eyes with his parents both being from the Mediterranean region.

It funny how she said I was the abusive one towards her mentally and emotionally, then it worst she say I abuse my son.  When I can give countless things she has done, on accident and on purpose.  My one that plays out in my head all the time, is when our son was about 1 years old, he had this goofy thing he would do to her, NOT ME, cause I know the process, if it takes 100 no's to get a point across, guess what, I have to tell my son 100 times not to do something.  So he was hitting her and laughing, trying to get her attention and he would stand on the couch for support.  He one time hit her, how hard can it be truly to get this reaction.  Her reaction was immediate, she pushed him away and down onto the couch.  I said, Dear, you are the adult here, he is two, but I am watching two toddlers here.

So if he annoys here, for example tossed the tablet on the floor again, she at times will not say NO, but instead she will make a loud sigh, and mutter something but not go to the boy and say no, I have told her, he would listen if you were consistent, my point she is not.

She loves dogs, so I have used them as an analogy.  German Shepard can learn a trick or a command sometimes as fast as the 2nd time being shown something, but a sheetzhu can take upwards of 70 attempts before that dog breed can learn.  But the key is to KEEP doing the same thing no matter what.  

Her mind is a trap, it does not allow her.  Now mind you, I am not bringing into the picture she is a bad mom, the neglect her mother did has caused her to be over the top mom.  For example at the aunts home yesterday, her aunt joke with me that she brought half the pantry.  

Also when i offer counseling, it was always rejected, she reads the bible is her therapy.  And she grew angry towards me, when after work, I did not want to jump into bible reading when I spent my previous 8 hours talking, reading, emailing, on insurance documents.  THE BPD who is drawn into the bible and uses that has a means to fortify things, is truly appalling.  

today is another visit.  You try to not watch the clock, but you do, you try to be as comfortable as you can, but you can not.  I have basically a stranger hanging around.  But her aunt was awesome, and like her father once told me.  My daughter did not speak to anyone in my family beside me for close to 10 years, they were so happy that I helped her walk back into their lives.  But he said, we know you are a good man, we know she is troubled.  See they all think she is just a master manipulator, but it runs much deeper.

Thanks and wish me luck, I likely will be sobbing again in my car, knowing my boy cries for his dada and worst, he clung to me...   He was so use to use together, now it is separate.  And I do not believe her for a second her aunt said that he has been told dada coming.  He is 2 years olds, not comprehension of time.  

Well another step done somewhat.  Since my wife claimed I am an angry person when I do not have marijuana, I had to go to a drug and alcohol assessment.  It was insulting honestly.  I have never done 95% of the crap this Counselor was asking me.  At first she asked why I was there and tearfully I explained it was due to a dirty trick my soon to be ex-wife has played on me.  Now mind you, I have used herb to help me sleep at times, but NEVER around her or my son.  It was always when they were asleep and it was not often as much as she believes.  So I was honest with the counselor, she asked if I drank, nope.  I do not go to bars, I do not do these other drugs that were asked of me.  She asked me a series of questions about weed, like how much in my 20s, I said not often, it would be a few times a year when I was around certain friends. My time was spent mostly in gyms and basketball and working, traveling.  In my 30s, I spent over 5 years in Middle East and once again, I did not drink or do any herb there.  She asked if it impacted my work, life, etc.  It was insulting.  Plus my two collateral's will speak to the counselor and tell them pretty much the same.  I had to pee in a cup, never been a fan of that ESPECIALLY with someone watching.  I will pee clean.  I felt it was better to be honest rather than lie.   Maybe it comes back to bite me, but should not, like I told my lawyer, this wife of mine thinks I am Bob Marley, I WISH.  haha.  So Thursday is my next court date, not sure what to expect on the second visit.  I received my clothes, the police office said it best, YOU DO NOT WANT TO LIVE WITH THAT FOR THE NEXT 18 Years.

Hardest part is at night.  I am grateful and thankful my parents are alive and give me the opportunity to stay here.  But I miss my kid so bad.  All of my family and friends find it so hard to believe my soon to be ex-wife has not reached out to anyone to let the family know my kid is doing well.  So disrespectful.   My sister during the encounter told her, my brother is heart broken he has shed many tears, her response was I cried often too.  Mind YOU not one tear during court and during our time, only time I seen her cry is when she was in a frantic state of mind. 

So what to expect second visit in court.  I want the Order removed, it is ridiculous she believes I am a threat, etc.  I have never been aggressive or harmed anyone in my life, especially a woman or child.

My lawyer said last week the judge asking to clear the court and speak to the lawyers is good for me, also the fact I shared with my 2 year old law guardian my concerns about his maternal grandmother still married to my ex wife step father, sexual abuser, I also brought out the fact she is BPD.  I am not sure what the court will do with this.  I hope I can get my son, I will not know until Thursday.  Everyone believes I have a solid case.  She has MANIPULATED her aunt onto her side, I am happy she loves my son, but it angers me someone else is raising my kid when it should be me.  Never forgive, never forget.

My best friend believes one day, when her beauty fades and she is alone with nobody left to manipulate, she will have her mind go to the one who loved her with all her flaws, me and it will be too late.

What is your thoughts about the second court date?  He removed my son first time, I think he will remove and hopefully ask us to go the mediator route, I have no assets to divide, she can have everything in the apartment.  I just want joint custody or full custody will be my battle plans when the divorce goes nasty, which i expect one the law guardian visits her and asks her about the thinks I shared, step dad sexual abuse and her BPD.

Remember, the role of this testing is to find information that can and will be used against you. The Counselor is not a friend or ally or a person trying to understand you - just a person looking for incriminating evidence. That is their job.

Smoking is not a huge deal in your state and your wife needs to convince the court that you  get intoxicated and that you do so while the child is entrusted in your care - but if you admit to using while the child id in the house, or test positive, you are getting her part way there. Then it becomes "he said, she said" and family court has it's biases.

I encourage you to talk this stuff through beforehand here or on another divorce/custody website or support group.

I noticed that you have reported being teary eyed, insulted, etc. in front or the judge and others. Don't count on it helping you or garnering sympathy.

Learn what will help you and what will hurt you and be careful.

In my wifes desperation to keep me from the kids, she uses them as tools.  They are tools without any regard to the damage she is causing to the children.  It is sad, maddening, sick, etc, etc.  But that is what she is doing.  The custody evaluator at the court said that my wife probably doesn't even realize what she is doing is hurting and damaging the kids.  She will not stop her behavior by knowing this, she will only stop if there are sanctions against her.  My wife uses anything which will achieve her goal despite the damage it will cause.  

I have found a lot of understanding of the dynamics and the pathology with Dr Craig Childress book Foundations.  That has been extremely helpful to understand the pathology when dealing with alienation.  He also has some good you tube videos.  

Sorry you have been experiencing this.  Yes my darkest moments have been when I have been kept away from my 7 children.  I totally understand that feeling...

I can't really suggest much help, but I lived through this slightly as the child.  I was a teenager, though, and know now that my dad used me as a tool to hurt my mother.

Both my parents have BPD, mom is on the more needy, constant victim side of the spectrum, dad is a sociopath.  I am 40 now, and still sorting through how wacky they were to live with. 

Their marriage degenerated the older I got, and by the time I was 14-15, there had been suicide attempts on mom's part, threats of a murder-suicide on dad's part, and dad tried to strangle her the last day we lived under the same roof as a family.  I intervened, and had to drag him off her, convinced I was going to be attacked next.

He surprised me by telling me to grab some clothes and my cat and get in the car.  I was terrified and did so.  I know it was crazy to get in the car with the person threatening murder, but Mom was goading him into killing her ("you're not a man!  you can't do it!", and I was mad at her for provoking him, if that makes any sense.  He was higher functioning, and I wanted to get away from that apartment.  We drove 18 hours south to my grandparents (who mad Dad all he is today) who I'd not met but once in my 15 years. 

Our state allows no-contest divorce, and Dad was able to prove that Mom was a substance abuser, and he enforced NC between us rigidly.  I was told she hated me for leaving her and never wanted to see me again.  She was told the same.  To give her a little credit, she followed us to our state, and lived often homeless while trying to reach me.  She found a sugar daddy (she is good at finding caretakers to replace me - that was and always will be my purpose as far as she is concerned) and got off the streets.  After Dad no longer had a use for me as a tool to hurt her, and a new wife#3 to placate, I got kicked out.  I was 19.  Mom found me a year later,  and I had to discover all over how much better I was without her in my life and had to painfully go NC on my own few time before I got where I am, NC for many years now.

Anyone using a child as a tool to manipulate others, to hurt, for sympathy, for money, is a sociopath in my opinion, with limited if any empathy for the child as a human being.  They are property.  They are a toy.  They are not individuals but enmeshed parts of the pwBPD who see them as an appendage.  And to the child, this is NORMAL.  I still don't fully know how weird things were living with them.  I see my friends having kids (I am childfree by choice because I am terrified of how bad a mother I would be) and only watching them can I see how weird it is to give your 5 years old an alarm clock to get herself up for kinder.  How strange it is to tell them their job is to take care of Mommy.  For Mommy to treat the kid like a stuffed toy or a blankie, just there for HER comfort, but incapable of offering the same to the child. 

All I can say is that while these proceedings are in progress they hurt, they are scary for those involved... .if you can ever get your kids even into a one-parent home with the non-pw-BPD... .it will help them greatly.  Even just living with Dad and being neglected was better than having both of them under the same roof. 

I agree to not disclose pot use or other things unless directed by your lawyer and to have your lawyer help draft appropriate responses as needed.  And I have to agree that tears may move some people but to not count on that as a big decider in court.  Please, be careful - this is the kind of "Scarlett Letter" that can follow you forever.

Ilseme


Thank you for sharing.  I hope my kids will see the unhealthy dynamic they are living in.  When did you feel that your mother was using you for that purpose ... .  as a tool?  Was it over time or was it a water shed moment.   I don't think my kids see it yet... .or I haven't see them 'get it' yet.  Their ages range from 17 -3

Really frightening, Iilseme, that I once wrote of my wife after S11  was born, what did you think when you wanted to have a baby - that it would be a doll, a toy to play with, something you need to complete you, not a child that would need you?

Those were some of the darkest times of my life, when she raged at a newborn for needing her.

No to hijack Lost's OP, (just wanted him to see that there CAN be a positive outcome from all this pain if he can get custody), but no, it was not an epiphany moment, but a slow light coming on.

I understood we had unusual circumstances in our house, but I believed the lie that "Mommy is just sick".  Mommy was/is addicted to barbiturates and likes to lie to Dr.s to get as many as possible and spend her days tanq-ed off her gourd while the child got herself up, fed, and to school, back, and started dinner, and hid bills from Daddy that would show Mommy was not paying them.

As I got older, I think I felt pangs of anger at how unfair things seemed at times, but I immediately felt guilty for those feelings, told myself they were wrong and not to have them or express them.  At most, I wrote them in a diary, which later, Dad photocopied and mailed out to the whole family to prove what a horrible child I was, and that I was a whore for writing about making out with my then BF at the age of 19. 

In about 2010 I think I realized I felt anger about things - I was just over 30 at that time.  It was not just a feeling of  "Yeah, I grew up with crazy ppl," but ANGER at them for subjecting me to not just overt abuse, but neglect.  The neglect is what really hurts.  I have had factual accounts of life in my head, but I disassociated from all emotions.  I could recite events pretty well as if they were in a movie about someone else.  Then, feelings started coming back, and I found myself crying about things like the picture day in 3rd grade when my arm was in a cast and mom remembered picture day (she was awake somehow as I left that day) and grabbed a random dress out of my closet and shoved it in my bag, with instructions to change before photos.  I tried to put on the dress in the girls' room, but my cast would not fit through the sleeve of the dress.  I was terrified to disobey but did not know what to do - how many 8-year-olds can figure out what to do?  Mom gave me instructions.  She is not here to see I can't get the dress on, and I don't want to go home and tell her and her have Dad whip me with his belt for disobedience.  So I was a mess when a teacher came looking for me.  I babbled something to her while keeping to the family taboo of never mentioning belts and hours of standing at attention while being yelled at, and she told me the photo won't even show below my chest and my blouse was pretty enough, and she combed my hair and got me cleaned up and got my photo taken.  And to this day I think I like that photo best because it shows ME, a kinda sad, confused kid, more accustomed to neglect or anger than a nice teacher helping me out.  I still cry when someone is nice to me just to be nice - it does not compute.       

I come to posts like these sometimes so people in these r/s that don't seem in a place o be repaired and saved with some validation or even DBT, so they can know that there are worse things for the kids than being in a single parent home.  Lost just needs to be careful about how he presents himself, and the comments about smoking weed could be alarming to an outsider and sued against him. 

Lost,

What's been going on the last two days?

The Dr. Childress recommendation is good.  He just posted this on his Facebook page.  It's a good summary of what you may be dealing with.


This Sunday I will be on Kristi Beck's show, Mommy Interrupted to answer all your questions.

https://www.facebook.com/mommyinterruptedradioshow/

If you haven't already sent your questions to Kristi, send them along.

The attachment-related pathology of "parental alienation" is created in the personality pathology of your ex-spouse.  Their personality pathology was created in their own childhood attachment trauma that led to their overwhelming feelings of core self-inadequacy.

The core beliefs of the narcissistic and borderline personality are that, "I am fundamentally inadequate as a person, and I will be rejected (abandoned) because of my inadequacy."

The narcissistic personality tries to ward off their deep and primal feelings of profound inner emptiness caused by their fundamental inadequacy-of-being by adopting a narcissistic veneer of grandiose superiority.  They devalue others to minimize the threat posed by rejection and to elevate themselves relative to the devalued other... ."I'm not inadequate; YOU are."

At their core, they are a fragile and inadequate little child.  They expand and roar to terrorize us because they are a frightened little child, a hurt and abused child who is terrified and alone and inadequate.

Puncture the narcissistic defense with criticism or rejection, and they collapse into the dark abyss of their core-self inadequacy, triggering a narcissistic rage in which they seek to restore their narcissistic defense against their profound inner emptiness, by making YOU the inadequate person who is being rejected.

Narcissistic personality: "I'm not the inadequate one, you are.  I'm not the rejected one, you are."

The borderline personality, on the other hand, is more psychologically exposed. The borderline personality does not have the narcissistic defense of grandiosity to ward off the inner emptiness of their core-self inadequacy.  The borderline personality feels the pain of their fundamental inadequacy constantly.  So they need constant - constant - reassurances of love from the attachment figure in order to ward off a collapse into the abyss of their inner emptiness and psychological fragmentation.

The borderline personality creates constant drama to acquire the continual attention and involvement of the attachment figure that's needed to ward off the collapse into the abyss of inner emptiness and psychological fragmentation.  Even minor failures by the attachment figure to provide the attention and involvement needed to ward off the collapse into the immensely painful abyss of inner emptiness and psychological fragmentation are met with a borderline rage; tantrums of venomous anger and depressive collapses into despair.

Life with the narcissist is hard. Their vacancy of inner substance creates an empty intimacy in the marriage, and their devaluing of others to support their narcissistic defense leads to the continual emotional and psychological abuse of their spouse as being inadequate.  Eventually, the normal-range spouse has had enough.  The normal-range spouse can no longer endure the profound emptiness of the relationship and the constant emotional and psychological abuse from the narcissistic spouse.

The narcissist thereby creates the very thing they most fear - rejection by the attachment figure ("I am fundamentally inadequate as a person, and I'm going to be rejected because of my inadequacy".

The rejection of the divorce triggers the collapse of the narcissistic personality into the abyss of their core-self inadequacy, and they then seek to restore their narcissistic defense (and get revenge on the "inadequate" attachment figure) by using the child as a weapon and a tool to make it the normal-range targeted parent who is the rejected and inadequate parent (person/(spouse)... ."I'm not the inadequate one, you are.  I'm not the rejected one, you are."

Similarly, the spouse of the borderline personality eventually becomes exhausted by the intense emotional neediness and constant drama created by the borderline spouse.  The borderline personality thereby also creates the very thing they fear - abandonment by the attachment figure because of the fundamental inadequacy of the borderline personality.

The borderline personality responds by taking sole possession of the coveted children, both as a symbol that the borderline parent is not inadequate but is instead the ideal, all-wonderful, adored and never-to-be-abandoned parent (person/(spouse), and also to engage the continual attention and involvement of the (abandoning) ex-spouse who can never fully divorce (abandon) the borderline spouse as long as the borderline parent has full possession of the children, and because of all the drama created surrounding custody and visitation with the children.  The continual drama created surrounding custody and visitation forever requires the constant focus of the ex-spouse on the borderline personality parent-spouse.

The borderline personality is a master at manipulation.  And the quickest way to achieve sole possession of the children - irrespective of court orders for child custody - it through an allegation of child abuse to CPS.  The mere allegation results in an investigation that immediately terminates the targeted parent's involvement with the children.  The borderline personality parent manipulates CPS to achieve immediate sole possession of the children. 

During the three to six months of CPS investigation, the borderline parent works their manipulative psychological control on the children, so that by the end of the CPS investigation the post-divorce "parental alienation" process is well under way.

In some (many) cases, the borderline parent will use the children to interfere with the new remarriage of the ex-spouse by having the children reject the new spouse (often with the allegation that the targeted parent isn't spending enough one-on-one time with the children, and that's why the children are rejecting the targeted parent).  This is designed to make the targeted parent choose between the new marriage and the children, thereby disrupting the bonding in the new marriage.

The narcissistic and borderline personalities (they are variants of the same core) are the products of childhood emotional and psychological abuse that created the core beliefs:  I am fundamentally inadequate as a person, and I will be rejected (abandoned) because of my inadequacy.  They are psychologically and emotionally abused children who are all grown up. 

Their love and bonding system - the attachment system - is damaged by the psychological trauma of their childhood. They are incapable of navigating the complexity of adult intimacy, because they are abused children all grown up.  They fail at intimacy, they are rejected and abandoned, and they collapse into the trauma of their abuse histories - their core self inadequacy and their defense against the abyss of their inner emptiness and despair.

They use the child and create the conflict as a cry for help;  ":)on't abandon me to the abyss of my profound inner emptiness."

The pathology of "parental alienation" represents the trans-generational transmission of attachment trauma from the childhood of the narcissistic/(borderline) parent to the current family relationships, mediated by the personalty pathology of the allied narcissistic/(borderline) parent that is itself a product of this parent's childhood attachment trauma.

This is an attachment-related pathology, requiring professional expertise in the attachment system.  This is a personality disorder related pathology, requiring professional expertise in the development and manifestation of personality disorder pathology in family relationships. This is a family relationship pathology, requiring professional expertise in family systems dynamics.  This is a trauma pathology, requiring professional expertise in the trans-generational transmission of developmental trauma.

Children and families experiencing "parental alienation" (AB-PA) represent a special population (a professional designation) who require specialized professional knowledge and expertise to competently assess, diagnose, and treat.

Failure to possess the necessary professional knowledge and expertise in the attachment system, personality disorder pathology, family systems therapy, and developmental trauma that is needed to competently assess, diagnose, and treat this special population of children and families would represent practice beyond the boundaries of professional competence in violation of Standard 2.01a of the APA ethics code.

Mental health professionals are not allowed to be incompetent.  Every ethics code for all mental health professionals, both in the U.S. and internationally, REQUIRES professional competence.

AB-PA returns us to the path of standard and established constructs and principles of professional psychology, to which ALL mental health professionals can be held accountable.

Craig Childress, Psy.D.
Clinical Psychologist, PSY 18857

This requirement for professional competence in the attachment system, personality disorder pathology, family systems therapy, and developmental trauma applies to Gardnerian PAS experts as well.  If Gardnerian PAS experts wish to continue to diagnose unicorns, that's fine.  Up to them.  But diagnosing unicorns does not absolve them from their professional obligation to be competent in real forms of pathology when assessing, diagnosing, and treating real forms of pathology.

Thank you to everyone for their advice, sharing personal experiences and educating me on elements of life with a BPD.  It is really fascinating in a negative sense honestly.  I am now entering a cruise control mindset.  Meaning, building my life back up slowly.  I joke with my sister, I have seen the sun more in the past three weeks than I had in my last three years of marriage.  Sad but true, I did walk the dog a couple times a day.  Court has gone steady, BPDW has now moved onto a family lawyer instead of a Public Defender.  That was expected after she learned who my lawyer was and basically have things slowly go my way.  Top Notch and family friend.  So our last court date, we offered a No Cause order, but then their side wanted me to agree to a Year of Supervised visits, that was rejected and was not even needed to be discussed with me.  Once my alcohol and drug screening comes back, then we proceed to step 2.  Joint custody, stay overs at my parents, until divorce is finalized and I buy a home.  Plus, her lawyer mentioned Child Custody(which she has already due to this Order of Protection), DV and Divorce.  My lawyer had to basically tell them, do you really want to go that route and have to be drawn into court several times a month for three different situations.  RETHINK that strategy.  Time will tell.  So, at this stage, what the EX was so concerned about last time in court, did not even come up this time in court.  She had mentioned my brother was a drug addict, parents enablers, etc.  But she did not know, yeah my brother did go down a dark path due to a back injury years ago, but he has been sober 5 years and takes part in a program which he has shined in.  Fascinating, but in reality, she HAS likely gotten tired due to  being a single mom.  She would always complain to me as soon as I walked in, she needed a break, and I happily took over tending to our son.  Her likes in life will be difficult cause she has to tend to our son.

She did exaggerate my income, so I had to agree to emergency child support for the next thirty days.  But I have all my commission statements and my salary info.  Plus I will bring last years W2s.  She is in a shock when the figure comes down, plus I want to MAKE sure the tax return, at least 30% is saved each year in a bond for his future.

I believe she is on her last straws trying to get me to crumble. I am stubborn as a mule, I will not call her, I will not email her, I will not try to speak to her thru a third party, etc. Like I told my lawyer, I have no intentions of ending up in jail due to her, NO MATTER WHAT.  I know I have done nothing wrong and I will stay the fight as long as needed. Sad, it does hurt at times that my soon to be ex, can simply one day say BOOM, I am done and not even try to ask me anything. It has been over three weeks since we spoke, I FIND THAT SO ODD SOMEONE CAN DO THIS to someone they supposedly loved.  I doubt she ever loved me. Not how I am doing, etc.  Like I learned, there is little to NO empathy inside her.  The ME First mentality is alive and strong.  She hides being a mirror of beauty and confidence.  But it does hurt that I can not even say a word to her, how can anyone do this is beyond my comprehension.  I just want to tell her, we do not have to try and make a "hollywood divorce", lets go to a mediator, we do not have assets to divide up, I have given you everything in the apartment.  Lets get over this quick, lets move onto co-parenting in a positive manner.  But I am unable to do this. I did tell my lawyer, how in the world am I suppose to get info to her now, like get your own auto insurance, call electric company switch it in your name, etc.

Court was predictable, she is on food stamps, and getting public assistance.  This has been her plan for a while.  So I handed over a check right then and there.  The Law Custodian for our son, added some great positive things about our son, to the extent, they did something right, he is energetic, happy and intelligent.  But he joking added that he played with play doh and of course the EX could not even control her outburst, she said out loud, I PROMISE I DO FEED HIM.  I just know, if a nasty divorce comes, my lawyer said we both likely will have to testify and that could be interesting.

SO now, she has this last element of control over me, NOW I can bring our son to my parents, under the supervision of either my sister or mom.  It is a pain in the ass, but I have to manage for a month, until my Assessment comes back.  I expect to be fine, I do not drink, do not do drugs, never have and I have smoked herb in my life, just not consistent enough to warrant me in a program.  Plus, with her not in my life, I have no urge. I will appeal immediately if that is the path they take, it was an emotional assessment, in large part due to the ODD occurrence my wife and counselor share the same unique name, VERY ODD.

Again, the odd behavior is how she can basically one day go to court, embellish and lie to get an order of protection and basically not say a word to me.  Now my first visit with my parents, she had to check in throughout the day, yet when she did this order, she did not have the heart to send a message to my sister or mom about our son.  I went ten days without knowing even a peep about his whereabouts, his life, etc.  HEART BREAKING. 

So, likely in three weeks, there will be a no cause order and I hope to have him over the weekends, spend the night with me.  He is an angel honestly.  I want to get to co-parent classes so we can benefit him during this stage.

So divorce court, do both sides take the stand?  I have an always will be truthful so easy to keep my side straight.  But her unstable mind will be shown.

TURKISH all I can say is WOW.  That is my ex to a T.  Her abuse began almost immediately, her own mother would leave her with strangers as a toddler, only to be found by her grandparents.  Her mother NEVER wanted to give up custody, even though she could not properly love her child.  Then she married a man who took the abuse to a physical level which has NEVER been addressed, thus this constant life of unstable acts.  Her family knows she is a manipulator, that is easy to pick up on.  But she has latched onto one aunt who is helping her, going to court with her to support her. 

So bad news came today!  The Counselor called and said I tested positive for THC in my urine.  She said something like 120 in my urine. I said that is impossible, it has been weeks since I smoked and the fact I was under so much pressure, I was taking Aleve, Advil daily due to not being able to sleep and thus causing me a great deal of Headaches and tension, plus my stomach is an issue, I began taking Prilosec again.  Funny thing, I did not even know these can cause a THC positive test in my urine.  One of my friends is a doctor, so I spoke to him.  He said I have to go there and discuss why I tested positive and thus request a second test.  Like I said, it has been three weeks since I last smoked herb.  My wife is using this to her advantage, mind you, she brought me home some from her job.

Now my lawyer does not seem as concerned as I am.  I had my first supervised visit with my mom/sister allowed for that.  Funny thing is, living under my ex wife control, I had no escape, so I did turn to herb due to me not being able to leave the house, exercise, play basketball etc. 

The counselor was very disrespectful, talking down to me.  As if I am lying.  I told her during my assessment, that I had smoked in my life, just not on a very big level.  But I am totally shocked she came back and said my number was high.

I even bought a drink from GNC, drank a ton of water and like I said, I have no urge to do it any more since I am not under her control any more, I am living, going outside, etc.

So what is some advice here, please and thank you.

I can only speak from Human Resources experience with drug-testing for new employees -- we pretty much know that it takes no smoking or ingesting for 2-3 weeks prior to a test to get a clean THC test.

I would encourage you to press for another test.

I will, cause I know for a fact there is no way!  I last smoked maybe may 20th with a friend!  I was not a heavy smoker, once at night to help sleep.  But this could crush me, even though my lawyer thinks other wise.

My friend said, do not take Aleve, Advil and do not take Prilosec the day of my test, which I did the other time I was tested.  I know I am over weight, but I have lost several pounds during this ordeal.  He claims there is evidence in the medical field that could cause me to test positive.  HE also advised that I request a blood test, since I have not smoked in roughly three weeks and I have no urge to since I am not around the soon to be EX Wife.

But now I have to go and "discuss" why I tested positive, I explained to the counselor, I do not understand how my urine tested so HIGH, she said the number was 120, their cut off was a 50.  Again, I find this odd.

I am not sure what to expect, but I am requesting potentially another Counselor, the one I sat with was young and appeared smug at times during my emotional time with her, WHY, cause her name was same as my wife.

THC can be detected in your system using a urine test for up to 12 weeks depending on the quantity as well as frequency of use.  It can be tested in hair, even longer.


I think it will help talking to members here before you do things... .if you knew the test could detect THC 12 weeks out it might have given you a reason to try and stall.


Your focus has been more on blaming your wife and showing that, indeed, she is the problem, rater than on learning how the system works and defending yourself. Be careful, you can get eaten up in family court. I mentioned this before.

My suggestion (you asked for tips) is to stop making excuses to the court and blaming your wife - let the attorney defend you - and you go the other direction  - improve yourself (courts like this).

1. Sign up for a single father parenting class and be a star student. You can have the teacher testify for you later. Don't broadcast this. Tell you attroney so he knows and can use it at the right time.

2. Stop all drugs completely. Don't ask for a retest until you know you are clean. The best way to do that is to get a private test first. When its negative, ask for a court test.

3. Start exercising and lose some weight. THC is stored in your fat cells - you can burn it out.  Just don't exercise in the days just prior to testing. Eat on those days.

4. Write out your story here and get members to help you with the way you explain things. Your explanation of how you disciplined the child could have worded better.

5. Be strong, contrite, respectful. Breaking down in court and blaming your wife, however sincere and true, might be seen as signs of emotional instability and immaturity. Don't do it.

Does this make sense?

I wouldn't say this.

They all trust the test results and the only thing that will help is a negative test right now. There is not a lot you can say to help yourself. You can say things to make matters worse, however. You already confessed a long history of smoking at some level in your other interview. You also said you needed it to sleep. If you blame  it on stress related to your wife, will that mean you will smoke when you have stress with your child?  See how this can be twisted against you?


It could be high because you are overweight. THC stores in the fat tissue. More tissue, more THC.

It isn't going to help to lay the positive test off on the Counselor... . 

Did they order a psych evaluation? Are you going through a psych evaluation?

No they did not skip, my lawyer thinks her side will not request that, cause she will pounce on that idea.  The reason I may ask for another counselor is the lady shares the same name as my wife and it was very emotional.  I could not believe, my wife does not have a unique first name.

I have stopped using for sure, as I mentioned, I have no desire to ease my stress.  My stress is much lower now. 

So I have to go and discuss with her why I tested positive, she was asking me to be honest.  I told her I was, if I wasn't I would have not admitted to any use.  But I told her I did use but not that frequently, only if my wife brought it home or if a friend stop by my apartment at night. 

Yeah, I am chubby, so I am sure this is part of the issue, I used to be fit, so I been walking again to get to my comfortable weight, then I am going back full time in the gym.

I know my steps, I will ask to take some courses, show up and shine in my classes.  I have until July 10 for my next court date, so I hope to be tested again before that date and I should pee clean. 

Im getting a basketball today to start shooting hoops, I always shed weight fastest doing that, so that is my goal. I was 160 4 years ago, married, now I am 190 range now, lost 20 pounds due to divorce.

SO what is the advice for my visit tomorrow to discuss my reasons for failing?

I told her I did not drink, did not do other drugs, but I first tried herb at age 21.  I had many times in my twenties and thirties where I went years without doing it.  She asked how often, I told her when I saw certain friends, maybe Cookouts, Bday Parties, etc.  I do not purchase.

So my lawyer is not as concerned, she says it is often in family court.

Why the PSY Eval will not be discussed, my lawyer believes my wife knows then she can request one on her.

I am worried this is going to impact me in this DV case.  I will volunteer to enter programs tomorrow and be a good student.  As I mentioned, I have no desire to do it any more.

Just some advice on the conversation tomorrow, thank you Skip.

LID,

Most of this doesn't matter. Tell us, how many times did you smoke in the last 12 weeks and on what dates, where, who with, and what were the circumstances. In which of those cases was you daughter present?  Members can help you fashion a response from that information. Drill down, stay on track.

What happened when you were 21 isn't really important other that to establish long term use which doesn't help you. Don't talk about it any more. Your story that you need it to sleep (a need) and you need it for stress (a need) and you only smoke when someone else has it (recreation), won't sound consistent or true.

She asked when I had my first drink, age 18 I grew up in wine country, but never been a drinker.

When did I try herb first time, I said age 21 when I working on building a race car with a few friends.

So the last twelve weeks, I have smoked usually on a Friday Night/ Saturday Night when my wife and child were asleep.  Then I would come in, then lay down on the couch and fall asleep.

She asked if I used in my twenties, I said not really, I went to school to be a Gym Teacher and I was really focused on fitness, eating right, maintaining my active life style. In my thirties she asked, I said not often, when I would go to say a BBQ and certain friends, parties, etc.  But I also played competitive basketball and I had a 5 year stint in the Middle East.  So I have never been honestly a heavy smoker, in fact I rather eat if I can, but that is not always an option.

It is my son.

You got high 24 times in the last 12 weeks? All solo events?
That doesn't tie to your earlier comment that you "maybe smoked with a friend in May" and "only when friends bring it".

This is how the counselor is going to read these answers.

Seriously, lay down the exact facts. We can't give you good advise on changing information.

Tighten this up!

Fyi... .tests using hair show THC to six months after use.

I believe CVs and Walgreens sell home testing kits as well.  They will prolly not be as accurate, but you can ask the pharmacist if you need to about how well they are supposed to work, or read reviews.  

I agree with solidifying your comments to your lawyer and to the counselor.  24 times?  12 times? Only a Friday OR a Saturday?  Both Days?  

Here are my concerns on that - so with a child in the house and a mentally unstable, unreliable wife, as the only rational adult present, able to take action in an emergency, you toked a bit to help you relax.  

See how that can read? Granted, my mother liked to take too many sleeping pills and so was not able to care for me and I had to fend for myself, and it's a miracle I am alive, frankly, so it's a bit of a rough spot for me, personally.  And I know far too much about marijuana since my H works with medical research, and it's actually nowhere near as harmless as people are lead to believe.  Not getting on the anti-weed soapbox, just some things you can read about its effects on adults and nearby children are alarming.

You need to be careful.  The idea that weed is harmless is not held by everyone, and it's not a good sign in family court's eyes.  I agree with the comment to not allow yourself to sound as if you are blaming everything on your wife, and work on getting your body to read clean.

I recall when my spouse responded to my divorce filing.  In addition to that response, the same day she filed a stalking/harassment complaint over in civil court.  (Yes, throwing as many spitballs at the chalkboard as she could to make as many stick as possible.)  Well, my lawyer said it was hard to predict what the judge there might do, my ex was a woman and mother so it could have been anywhere up to 5 years and even renewable.  So lawyer made a settlement where (1) no finding of guilt was clearly stated in the settlement, (2) preschooler son was excluded, (3) term was limited to several months (early December I guess so the holidays weren't impacted) and (4) the settlement was classified as one that could not be extended or renewed.

So if you do agree to take tests or classes, be sure that they are not a part of a 'plea deal' where you have to admit at least some level of guilt.  Pleading guilty can negatively impact you later on in your parenting goals, making parenting more of an uphill struggle.  It may be a fine point but one you need to make clear.  Also, as much as possible, try to get her to face the same requirements, to lessen the one sided advantage she has as the accuser.

I wouldn't bring up taking classes.

I would just quietly do it and tell your attorney once you start. Better that you took the initiative before anyone ordered it.

Skip, I would not say 24 times.  Plus, I do have a friend who would meet me at my apartment, we would chat and I would walk my dog at 10pm.  Sometimes he would leave me some for the following weekend.  I have a very demanding job during the week.   

I already am going to be forth coming as I was in the first screening, I was emotional and told her i last smoked either Late April or Early May, without looking at a calendar it was hard for me to get the date to be exact.  I last smoked May 19th to be exact.   I am not a heavy user by any stretch of the imagination.  I will request to take classes at the Clinic beginning this Friday evening.  That is a given since it came back positive.  My next court date is July 10th, so I am hoping to get on the track, burn some fat it is time any how, I usually am a fitness nut in my life.  In fact I am heading there now.

I am being as proactive as I can in all of this, the court recognized that in our last date.  The court does NOT recognize her as BPD yet, we have not gone to divorce court yet.  If that is where we are heading. GaGirl they do not test hair in NY.

I respect that you don't want to do this.

I do encourage you to sit down, decide when and where, so you know what you are talking about and you don't contradict yourself. It sounds like the counselor is questioning the credibility of your answers. Whatever yo say can and will be used against you - including inconsistencies which will suggest that yo are not being truthful.

This approach is not always fair, but it is how it works.

I can honestly say, from your answers here, there are inconsistencies that will be used against you. At one point you say you "maybe smoked" in May.  Then it was 2 days a week for the last 12 weeks. Then it was something in the middle. I'm not questioning your honesty, I'm just saying that the courts will seize on inconsistency as a way to say you are not being honest.

You want to put together an answer that is factual and consistent and makes sense in the broader scheme of things.

Good luck tomorrow.

Would the court see her providing you with weed as setting you up to look bad?  I guess it depends how long ago that was, also expect her to deny doing that so save any documentation of such events.

If she has been previously diagnosed with BPD then that ought to be helpful, though no one can promise how much.  Most of the time the courts focus on behaviors rather than seek a diagnosis, but a psych eval may indicate it.  More members here end up focusing on the poor behaviors, especially the poor (or lack of) parenting behaviors.  Generally courts don't care much about the blaming between adults, not unless it affect parenting.

Well I can see what you mean, but in all honesty, I was blindsided and I am still upset.  I wake up every morning at 4am, wondering why, how or when it all went wrong.  Plus, I am heartbroken that my wife, who I love dearly could so easily toss me aside as if I never existed.  We have not spoken since May 24th and this hurts me greatly, in fact just writing this makes me tear up.  Of course I now understand the whole BPD dynamic, the early stories in our relationship should have been red flags, instead it drew me in closer, made me want to protect her, help her feel safe, etc.  Then the talons were in me.  I could not escape, then I allowed myself to fall under her control in every facet.  So bad, my life ended up being work then home, and twice a month visiting with my parents.

She said my test came back 120 and I do not know what that means.  I did tell I am very fat considered my standards in life.  I told her I had smoked with a friend last in either Late April or Early May, looking at a calendar, I was able to back track my thoughts and zero in on the day, it was May 19th. During my session initially, I was crying, very upset cause at that time, I had yet to see my son, it was heart breaking and worrisome.  I was open with the counselor, I told her I had used it in the recent past as a sleep aide, my one buddy or wife would give me a little bit and I used it on the weekends only.  As I mentioned, my job is so demanding during the week, plus at night I would be with my child until 930 usually, then I would make my dinner around 930 to 10pm daily.

My time tomorrow will be clearer minded, I am getting past the heart ache of not having my wife around.  Like my sister says, when she has interacted with my wife, she is very nonchalant about things.

It is a very stressful environment, one that I have no experience in and it can be overwhelming.  I will ask to take part in a program and I will ask to be retested in Early July, my next court date is July 10th.  My goal is to shed 15lbs in the next three weeks and get back down to a respectful 185 then I can go back in the gym to get my weight back to the normal 165 to 175 range. 

I just walked 2 miles.  I should have been doing this from Day 1 of the order, but I did not.  I have to get a better grasp of my emotions, like my sister counselor said, I have to stop feeling like I am a failure, even though part of me feels this way, had I learned the ability to communicate better, based on her BPD, maybe I could have saved this marriage.  My lawyer also says, the fact I have several emails pleading with her, begging her to recognize the issues, trying to see if we could go to a Marriage Counselor, it was rejected each time, I WILL GET THE COUNSELOR against her.

So, i have my appointment tomorrow in the morning, if they ask, I will refuse, but my goal is to schedule my retest either Late June July 3rd. 

Intellectually, you know that nothing you could have done would have fixed her or saved the relationship.  While many marriages can be improved, her disorder made the marriage ultimately dysfunctional. 

Strange word that, dysfunctional.  Makes me remember the first time I heard about PDs.  I had called the local university's psychiatric desk and the man who answered said I lived just outside their county and so they couldn't do a home visit.  But then he added, "This sounds like a personality dysfunction."  That simple statement helped me to find out about Personality Disorders/Dysfunctions.  However that knowledge couldn't help me save the marriage.  She was no longer listening to me, nor by then anyone else.  (BPD is a disorder most evident/impacting to those closest to the pwBPD.  And our efforts are sabotaged by the pwBPD's emotional baggage of that close relationship.)  Our marriage imploded later that year.  I had to accept that.  If you haven't yet, read up on the 5 stages of grieving a relationship loss (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=138154.0;all).

*mod*

This thread reached its post limit.  Please see the continuation here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=311299.0;all