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So headed back today to the counselor, I explained that if you feel there are discrepancies, it is due in large part I was very emotional speaking to her and that it was hard for me to organize my thoughts.  But I told the truth just as I always have, Herb is not part of my daily life.  She asked me to pee in the cup again, I questioned it, why, but she said they want to see if the levels went down.  If I was positive last week, wont I be positive this week.  She also said my numbers demonstrated inconsistencies.  She said a 200ng person is a daily smoker, my number was 120ng.  I explained my friend who is a physician, I spoke to after him advised me how THC synthesizes in the body, I had no idea, and he said since I ws chubby  I also questioned her tactic in basically questioning my honesty.  She apologized and explained the job is difficult.  So she took some notes, we talked openly, she will review with her board to make any recommendation if any.  In the mean time, I am looking to begin parenting classes thru a Christian Organization.

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Did you take the test?
Did the advice here help you?
How do you think it went today?
What do you think she will conclude?

I think it went well, I handled it like I would a client.  She made me take the test again to see if the levels were diminishing. I explained, I been exercising and this does impact it.  So hopefully they can see my number go down, it would be awesome if it fell under their threshold.  Of course, the advice I have gotten on here is SO VALUABLE. I am still hurting, the pain is still there, cause I know I did not fail, but I feel her failures and honestly the most painful element, is how can she just bat an eyelash and push me out as if I was never there.  That is the part that hurts the most. 

I told the counselor, what is the point if I failed last week, I will likely fail today.  She said I asked for a retest and she pushed me to do it.  Problem is I been working out, not weightlifting yet, but walking, so I advised her this could impact my count.

I also pointed out I did not appreciate her questioning my honesty and I felt judged, she apologized and said it is not her intention to judge, instead to help.  I then raised the bar, if that is what you all deem, I am prepared to sit in with sessions, etc.  I also stayed strong with the notion, not everyone is the same, so please do not try to group me with a daily herb smoker.  She said the number for a daily smoker is 200, I did not question her.  I did explain, I spoke to my friend who is a physician and said people in the Drug Counseling industry have tough jobs, cause each person bodies metabolizes differently.  I also advised, in the time I have been separated from my wife, I have lost 20 pounds or so, she said then it should not be in my urine at that high count, I countered, but if I am burning fat, Like I am, it will be more prevalent in my urine.  I asked to take a future test, she objected.  Said right here and now. 

I think it was a professional conversation and she has to reach out to my collaterals and they both know me well, total of 54 years and I am only 44.  So they both will speak the truth and in line with what I been saying.  I told her, I am being truthful with you, herb has never been a big part of my life, so I do not have an idea when, how etc.  It only was happening the past few months and I told her I have no urge to do it.  She then asked about my old jobs, I told her I was once in the transportation industry and was tested monthly, never failed, she came back, was it cause you were skinny?  It made me made inside, I said, no, it cause it has not been part of my life daily, weekly or monthly activities I sought out.  I am a basketball junkies, workout warrior, that has been my life thru my 20s until age 38 when I had a knee injury.  I also advised, she can check my medical records, I have never tested positive for anything. 

SO my conclusion, I feel she is a recent grad, young in this profession and I feel she will likely recommend me for some treatment, especially since I am paying cash.  if anyone does not believe that plays a factor it does.

We shall see, I feel kinda upset, I went for a walk at the track last night, did 2 miles and my urine could reflect that, so we shall see.  Either way, I will head back, once a decision is made. 

You seem to be a very trusting person.

You are now in a situation that requires you to be less trusting of people you meet who purport to be helping you.

GA girl, you have a good read.  I have always been trusting of people, but going forward, I have to play poker with my hand close to my chest.

The evaluation came back inconclusive.  So what does that mean for me.  She didn't see a need to recommend me treatment.  I advised I been exercising and thus the count likely went up, before she even shared it with me, in fact she said it did to 193.  But she being a counselor, I found it odd, she had a hard time grasping when someone is exercising and losing weight, I have now lost 27 pounds, the urine will show more toxins as I burn fat.

She said I could go back later this month if I wanted to.  Which I plan on.  I am doing two miles a day after work, and thus trying to get back into shape, play basketball, be active again, instead of living under the EX Wife thumb. Work and then sitting home.

The test is detecting marijuana. Not exercise toxins. So her inability to grasp is because you are making a false claim.

It is true that if you have marijuana in your system and you are exercising, the marijuana levels go up a bit.

120 - 193 are significant levels. They are inconsistent with someone who smoked briefly one time last month to help with sleep.

Inconclusive means that it is not clear that you have a problematic drug habit - but that you are a user.

I really think it will help to drop this idea that exercise is falsely creating elevated test results and that you haven't smoked but once and that your partner is the reason you smoked.

Why.

Because, if this does not seem credible, everything else will be looked at as a possible lie - like did you shake the child and throw her down in a chair.

See what I mean?

Skip thanks. 

So I met with a Divorce Lawyer yesterday, since we do not have assets, retirement and I have given her the residence and all the belongings, there really isn't anything to fight over.  So why drag this out into the courts.  So the Child Support will be 15 to 17%. 

So my Family Court Lawyer, will develop a letter in our offer:  Remove all the stuff thus far entered, she has clearly shown there is no fear on her part of me.  Plus this was a tactic to get me out.  I accept that now.  By her asking me to take the baby from her in the home when I picked up my clothes police were present, from my first visit she insisting I get out of the car to come over to her and the baby.  My sister objected.  So we are asking for everything to be removed, the marriage is over.  Nothing to fight over.  I will pay my child support, NO QUESTION.  I also will offer to pay for mediation, nothing out of her pocket.  I am also seeking Joint Custody with him being with me Thursday Night thru Sunday Afternoon or evening.  My offer will also include that on Fridays, I will take him to her aunts home, so she can visit with him freely that day. 

My family lawyer will draft the letter and we will deliver to her lawyer, and pray she accepts it. Like my lawyer said, she is still in shock how the Order was issued in the first place, no name calling, no physical altercation. 

As for my evaluation, I think I will head back by the end of the month for another urinalysis. 

She did agree, that since I been losing weight, and exercising again my toxins will rise, but she could have insisted I join a program.  So she said I can come back at the end of the month for another screening, which I plan on doing.

I understand skip what you are saying.  I met my wife, I was 160lbs, 3% body fat and was an exercise, basketball nut.  Four years later, I am weighing 230lbs.  I did admit I had used, but it was on the weekends and not every weekend.  Thus why the inconclusive decision.  But now I am down to 201 and been walking 2 miles every night after work.  My friend who is a physician in Florida, said it is good, cause I am getting losing weight and burning fat.  So of course the stuff is being released in my urine and blood, it is stored in your liver for months. 

thanks skip for your insight.

what is your situation now? I could give some advice.

I took my drug evaluation.  There is no alcohol use in me, there is no drug use in me.  I have smoked herb but not often.  Im 44 and do not have the funds, nor the time to.  I used it as a sleep aid.

So I tested positive, and I requested another test and came back again.  But she gave me an inconclusive report, which my lawyer explained is not good or bad.  But it means I do not need so called treatment.  I am heading back at the end of the month to take another urinalysis.  I will piss clean cause I been losing weight, exercising again, working a lot.  Am I struggling to sleep, for sure.  But I do not have an urge to have herb.  Living with my wife was one of the hardest things in my life, I went home, then work, home then work, with little to no time away.  In fact the only time I got away was on the weekends taking my son to my parents.

So now, my lawyer in the DV aspect is trying to contact her lawyer and settle.  We hope to get a No Cause order, so my ex and I can begin to learn to co-parent and move past all of this.  I also hope to be able to call my son at night when he is there so I can say goodnight. Etc.  So we hope to settle, there is no retirement to split, no home to split, she has her car, I have my car.  I was removed the apartment and I signed off the lease, she kept all the belongings in the apartment.  So my lawyer hopes we can settle, meaning, there is nothing really to fight about, this is not a difficult divorce.  So lets settle, lets figure out joint custody arrangement, I can submit my financials for her child support.  Then I can begin to rebuild my life, so I am no longer at my parents home at age 44.

I am taking a Co Parenting class, I have my certificate of completion.  My lawyer likes that I was proactive in this, but I also wanted to learn. 

So it is a waiting game now, the court case moves slowly.  My lawyer thinks if we can get her to agree, maybe we do not have to wait until the next court date, we can file now to move past all of this.

That is my prayer.

What advice do you have.

Hope for the best, plan for the worst.

Typically the custody and parenting schedule are the hardest parts of a separation or divorce from a pwBPD.  Your lawyer may be thinking the pending allegations are the worst, but they may just be the first.  The entitlement is so high, as is pathological urge to punish and reject.  She also may be trying to make you look worse than her, hence the DV or child abuse claims.

Beware of being offered minimal parenting time and then your lawyer say, "Take it, we'll fix it later."  The problem is that pwBPD will delay and delay if it suits them.  Your lawyer may think it will get fixed with minimal delay, the reality is that if she has an agreement favorable for her then she will have every incentive not to gift you anything back.  My story, the court twice set me a standard dad's order with alternate weekends and an evening in between.  My lawyer said, "Shh, don't say anything, we'll fix it later."  Well later was at the end of the divorce nearly two years later.  He had estimated the divorce to be only 7-9 months, instead she delayed as much as she could and it turned out to be 23.5 months from date of filing to final decree.  And no relief along the way, court didn't change a thing, just moved us along to the next step.

Of course, your experience may be different.

Honestly, all of you have added so much value to my life, to my situation.  At this stage, the only thing that matters is that I get joint custody. I am not like a lot of fathers, who only want to see their child twice a month, every other weekend.  No Way.  I do not have other things I want to do.  I just want to spend time with my son.  So I will not settle.  I know what is fair, I know what is honestly in the best interest of the family, our son.  I do feel as if she has partly alienated me from my kid.  She is reaching out to my sister, giving me messages to do this or do that.  She also has reached out to my cousin so he can take the dog, because it was too much for her to tend to the child as well walk the dog twice a day, I knew that would happen.

So my lawyer in the DV aspect is very smart, very aware what we are doing.  The other side offered a No Cause Order and Supervised visits for a year, she did not have to even come back to me it was rejected.  My wife is smart and her mother is directing her how to proceed, how do I know this?  Her father and I are close, he lives in another state and we have spoken on the phone.  He can tell clearly his ex wife, my mother in law is behind this cause it MIRRORS what was done to him in 1981.  So I have to fight, if she wants to proceed this manner.  I also have a Divorce Lawyer waiting in the wings who has all my info, has all her info, and is ready to pounce.  She will bring out the past orders of protection vs various men, her arrest record and we will subpoena her mental health records and request an evaluation be done.  SO I hope my wife has a brain and realizes her past is cloudy and will not bode well.

I pray we do not go down this path.  But at this point, if she was willing to fabricate an order to get me out of the house and get her a leg up early on heading to Family Court, I do not trust anything.  Thus if we head to divorce or mediation, what is settled will be final, not altered.  Hence my thoughts for Joint Custody and I get him every weekend, we are going for Thursday Night thru Sunday, with me leaving him with her aunt so she can visit him freely on Fridays if she so chooses.

She is also moving at a snails pace to switch the bills in her name, so I am on the hook for them for now.

The thing is this isn't entirely up to you.  If you mediate your wife's wishes will be involved or if you go through the courts both sides will be heard and the judge will decide. Either way I think you need to have realistic expectations.  You should not go in expecting to automatically get everything you want the way you want, as messed up as she might be your stbxw is still your son's mother and does have rights just as you do. 



I would be careful here he is still her father and bringing him into this also puts you in the Drama Triangle which is not a healthy place to be.


Your stbxw is Triangulating here as well.

There seem to be a lot of other players involved here (upping the drama) so if this was me I would be very careful how much and with who I share information with.  You do not want to blow your own case by sharing something with someone who accidentally or on purpose decides to share it with your wife.

Think strategically, think long term, and keep your plans between you and your lawyer.

Panda39

Well, her lawyer has rejected a Mediation.  So my DV lawyer is looking into getting me a Lawyer who is great at settling quick, rather the Retainer and fight fight fight.  There is not much to settle here.  I had hoped for a mediation route, hence info is not public and we can sit and discuss the few items that have to be.  She countered that I would have my son Saturday Morning and Return him Sunday Night and have a 2 hour dinner visit on Thursdays.  This was rejected.  My wife works Saturdays, so why not give him to me Friday Night and then she can pick him up at my office Monday Morning and we are asking for a No Cause order for 6 months.  It ridiculous to think I have to settle for a NO Cause Order here.  But if this turns for the worst, I have a very aggressive lawyer, very skilled in TOUGH Divorces ready to pounce.  Plus, I have so much info my lawyer said she would be a fool to go down this path.  What you said, it was terrifies me.  Being that she is BPD, not really doing anything to help herself, with exception following her Grandparents idea that the Bible is great for you and that NOTHING IS WRONG WITH HER.  They live in denial.  They fault her mother for the problem.  When in reality, it is one giant pile of crap.  Her mother mentally and emotionally abused and abandoned her almost since birth. 

SO right now, I am not sure what to expect.  My DV lawyer is very good at negotiations, but my soon to be ex thinks "HOLLYWOOD" mindset, so she may take joy in a court case, it gives her that drama that she feeds off in her life.  I am a low key guy, simply love to work, then head home. 

I am so worried my son will adopt her lifestyle.  That is why I mentioned to my DV lawyer, the she basically took my soon away for almost 11 days and left me in the dark.  Knowing that, is a direct reflection of how dark her mind, heart and soul can be.  Vengeful personality.  Especially since I have lived in a constant state of hell with her. 

I mean one time, I noticed our grocery bill was sky high, I found her to be spending $25 a week alone on grapes!  I basically told her that is 100 a month and maybe try to buy fruit that is in season, I even went so far to make a chart outlining the best time of the year to buy fruit.  How did she respond?  By pretending to kick me in the face, saying something like F you, going into the bedroom and locking the door behind herself for several hours. I just sat there shocked at her behavior.  This is just another example in a long line of her erratic behavior.  I am for the bible, but her reading the bible, calms her mind, but she is still a restless soul, trying to control her angst, she fails.

I pray she comes to her senses, rethinks the strategy she has taken.  It bugs me this whole EX PARTE system that is in place.  She should have won an academy award to get a judge to grant her a NO CONTACT order with no documented acts of abuse, or name calling on my part.  I know how, she claimed I abused my son, anyone knows me, knows that is a total lie.

SO God knows what is to come.  I want to be over this, so I can rebuild my life.  My running joke in all of this, she left me with 47 Cents in my bank account, hahaha.  Sad but true.

You have to find your priority. If your child is your value, she will ruin it. Do not look for logic. BPD needs to use you as a toilet. She wants judgment! THE  judgment! I had the same problem with overspending. 30 purchases per day, for the total sum of all spends per months 6000$. When I asked her why she did this  , she started yelling that if I think she is  bad wife. The same scenario.
 What happened to her childhood? Abusive parents? Raped? Molested?

Kent start from page one, follow my messages.   This is what drew me in, my goal to protect her from harm, but in the end, she harmed me greater than anyone could.  By going this Ex Parte way, to get me out of the house, next day sign my name off the lease.  And we have not spoken since May 24th.  So it is almost a month, no contact, I will not break the order. 

She has suffered greatly most of her life, her grandparents believe it is a miracle she survived infancy.

Ok, been a minute since I been on here.  But again, I think this website has helped me more than anything, so I thank all of you again.

So I have taken the Co-Parenting Course already, aced the test and have my certificate.  I did this before the Referee in Family Court offered the idea.  I am very proactive in life, figured why stop at this, I need to learn as much as I can.

So my friend who is my Family Court Lawyer has been going back and forth with my wife(hate writing that she is my wife).  But any how.  At first, they wanted me to accept a one year No Cause Order with Supervised visits.  We rejected that in a NY Minute.  I have never hurt my child, never would, so I see no reason in Supervised Visits, it has been a nuisance for my mom and sister for the past month.  So I countered, I want my son, Thursday Night thru Sunday Night, with No Cause Order.  That was rejected.  They Countered with a Weekday Dinner visit, and I get my son only Saturday Morning to Sunday Night.  Mind you, my wife works Saturday Morning and she struggles to tend to him and get ready for work, Diva mentality.  We rejected that. Our Counter Offer and my final offer is: I want my boy Friday Night thru Sunday Night and a dinner visit during the week, no supervision, No Cause Order.  We are at this point. Court is next Monday, our 4th time since May 24th.  My lawyer has repeatedly advised this is an easy divorce, nothing to fight about, plus it is PLAIN as day, this EX PARTE was done with one purpose, GET ME OUT OF THE HOME.  So the BPDW can move on in her life.  My sister who picks up the baby, drops him off, noticed that every time, my EX is always on her phone.  She believes she is being recorded, who cares I advise, not allowed.  But I also suspect my Soon to be ExBPD has moved on, at the very least emotionally.

SO now here is the bombshell.  This past Sunday, my sister drops off my son with my wife.  The Wife decides to start talking, I feel it is based on fear and the fact she has met her match.  I am stubborn, I will not bend the knee and I will not accept anything but what is fair.  Plus, my lawyer has mentioned, we have a lot of momentum going. 

She makes comments like:
 •   Sister assures her, that my son cries when he leaves her, and cries when he leaves me but once they pull away, Sister and him are chatter boxes with each other. 
•   Sister shares with her, how I am always saying; "Mommy and Dada love you, and Mommy is at work, cutting hair", why we need to be able to communicate.  I want to be able to wish him a good night and I hope she realizes it is good for her to call him and speak with him on her work days like we used to.  Co-Parenting uses this analogy often, how important it is to be able to call and wish him a good night, etc.
•   Wife feels Friday to Sunday is too long for son to be without his Mother.  What about the father?  She thinks son should only be with me one night a week!  Disturbing to say the least.  She then threatens Sister to talk to me, to get him to agree to Saturday Morning to Sunday Afternoon and a day during the week or she will keep maintaining this drop and pick up arrangement with my sister, who lives 30 minutes away. MANIPULATION.  She mentions his primary residence will be with her.  My sister CAN NOT keep doing this.  WE NEED TO HAVE THE ABILITY for I to pick up my son and drop him off, so my poor sister can be done being used as a pawn in Wife's twisted world.
•   Wife explains to my sister, that a child needs his mom and SHE CAN NOT be away from him for four days.  Friday Night thru a Sunday Night is not to much to ask.  I am wanting to be part of my sons life, I care little about anything else at this stage.
•   Again, she mentions to Sister, "Talk to your brother, we are heading to court next Monday and a decision will be made".  Again, I hope referee  see's thru this BS and grants me joint custody without supervision.
•   Wife then goes on to explain to Sister, How I should appreciate what wife has allowed.  Wife mentions how some Orders of Protection the father does not get to see their child.  OF COURSE this is true, if an Order of Protection is done with truth and merit, not a tool to get the person out of their life.  Hence, she has used this before, this Ex parte aspect of courts.
•   Wife goes on to say I should be glad for what she has allowed.  That most men only get their children get every other weekend.  Wife added that a boy needs his mom, MY SISTER JUMPS IN AND SAYS, THEY ALSO NEED THEIR FATHER.  Wife adds that I have him every weekend and that she always told me, that she would never try to keep son away from me, HENCE I SUSPECT her alienation ways are setting in.  May, she sets in motion all of this and not one word is shared with my parents, my sister about son for over 10 days.  This is a tell-tale sign of wife Manipulation skills. 
•   She adds that soon, son will be in school and when that happens I will only get son every other weekend!  She has this idea, she can do whatever she wants with our son with no input from me.  Wife I believe is shooting to get son into a school program by September, even though I often begged her let us be his influence, we can afford to put him in a school setting when he is age 4, not 2.  My sister ignored this ignorant comment, at this point, my sister was wanting to get away.
•   She adds at the end, how she hopes my sister does not view her as being ___y.  She just wants what is best for the child and that we both need to put the baby needs first.  He is still little.  She then finishes up with another masked threat: "OTHERWISE WE HAVE TO KEEP DOING THIS BACK AND FORTH" 

One of the weapons an acting-out person will use is an assortment of FOG aspects... .Fear, Obligation, Guilt.  Seems she's using them all.  Fear of the current court case.  Obligation to conform to her view of what's best for the child.  Guilt that you or your sister would oppose her view of parenting.  Overall, she is trying to get you and your supporter to bend to her will, her determination to get what she wishes.  Control of parenting.  Obstruction of your parenting.  Sabotage of your parenting.

She will probably never see the light of reason and typical outcomes.  This is a time to work on the legal end, you can't convince her of anything, her emotional baggage is just too much for her to listen to you, so give the majority of your efforts to resolving things with those professionals who do recognize what is normal and can reason on what is reasonable.

Your sister should find a way to not discuss the case with your spouse.  As your relative she may not be permitted to speak beyond the very basics, as your stand-in it might be violating the rules of the current case.  I'm guessing it might be at her residence and she talks this before letting the child go?  How about trying a neutral exchange location, not her home turf?

Where are the exchanges?  I recall that my case was high conflict and during the divorce we exchanged at the local sheriff's offices.  Fortunately most hand-offs were done without extended talking.

High conflict isn't going to help - I would let the attorney do the talking and keep it all professional.

All the emotion aside... .

It sounds like you are arguing for 60/40. In your state this is the customary ruling:
https://www.custodyxchange.com/examples/schedules/60-40/

This gives you Wednesday night through Saturday afternoon.

You could also ask for 50/50. This is how it looks in your state:
https://www.custodyxchange.com/examples/schedules/50-50/

This gives you Wednesday night through Sunday afternoon.

I suggest that you continue to not focus on her, but continue to focus on your presentation of yourself to the court. The one question that will be needed to be answered is do you have a healthy and stable home to provide during your custody.

Are you ready for that?

Thanks Skip for the input.  I am staying at my Parents, big old traditional Greek home.  It is temporary.  But yes, it is a loving situation.  Plus I have a 12 year old Nephew there who adores my son, vice-versa.  The game plan is already set in motion, save money, but a home, once the divorce ink is dry. 

One thing I read: She always has to be the victim!  So that she is NEVER HELD ACCOUNTABLE in any aspect of her life. 

Skip I get what you say, but I am in a spider web of deceit.  My focus is now to personally grow, get pas this and provide what is best for my son. 

The Ex-Parte was done CLEARLY to get me out of the home, the allegations of abuse were levied to gain an advantage heading to Custody and potentially Divorce Proceedings.  But as my lawyer has pointed out, we have gained momentum at this stage.  Now, we sit and wait.

The fact the wife is only offering me ONE night is sad, shows her true colors.  Then she can turn around and say with a straight face, I AM NOT TRYING TO KEEP HIS SON FROM HIM!  What the F are you doing then.  I read in my coursework, Co-Parenting, the boy needs contact with his father, just as the girl needs contact with their mother. I just want is fair, I do want 50/50.  I think I am a great father, I have great patience and I am very consistent at parenting.  Like early on, my wife used to ask why does our son listen to me better.  I always said it is due to the fact, I never roll my eyes, I never sigh, I always give him the consistency with respect to praise or discipline.  I never waver, never claim to be tired.

We have not entered Divorce Proceedings yet, but I have a very, VERY aggressive lawyer who is great at bringing out truths in court.  This lawyer has reviewed everything and claims I have a very strong case.  I just want to move past all of this and do so in as good, positive manner as possible.

Lost,

Try not to put all your eggs in one basket. It sounds like you have your hopes very high that your upcoming court dates will rectify the injustice you currently feel - I bet you are going to protest and say not so, but that is how it reads to me. It's understandable to be angry - I'd be angry too if I couldn't see my child - but what folks here are suggesting is to put your well justified anger on the back burner, anticipate that the courts, just on recent evidence alone, may not see what a great father you are and may rule otherwise. And be ready emotionally to deal with that. If it's a better result, then great! But if, based on the drug tests, the RO and who knows what other stuff her lawyer is going to throw at you, the judge decides to maintain the current status quo or even place more limitations, can you accept that and move forward with making the next efforts necessary to work toward improved custody with your child? That is the mindset that you may need.

Believe me, my kids frequently tell me their mom is on the phone when they need her and want her, she's busy when I try to communicate stuff around the kids, and I believe I am a more consistent, more loving, more involved parent. But guess what? She has the greater percentage of custody, and she feels that she gifts me my time with my children and she has the right to make decisions without my involvement. And I have no desire to change her in the slightest. My only thought is toward being there for my sons, being consistent, documenting my time and all of the times xw asks me to take the kids on her parent time and eventually working toward equal or majority parenting time. Others here have warned, this is a marathon, not a sprint. Hang in there, take one step forward at a time, try not to expect too much but make use of what you have.

I haven't and thank you for the advice!  I expect the worst and hope for the best with respect to all of this.  Trust me, it has been an ugly 6 weeks.  My heart often hurts with wonder, how this woman could do this, make up lies, not speak to me and yet claim to be a Christian woman to anyone who listens.  She has admitted in court, that I am a great father.  So I just hope for the best.

I love being a father, I got into the game late, I am 44 now with a 2 year old.  So I have had the luxury of living a great life, been all over the world, played competitive basketball, workout warrior, but my highlight is when I can take them naps with my kid.  It is truly magical and a great experience.

I just keep praying and stay the course with truth.  But the system has shaken my beliefs, this whole Ex parte system feels like it is the 1800s.  I think it needs to be taken into context, who the info is coming from, there needs to be a tad bit more research before this Order is put out there.

The referee has seen her outbursts in court already.  If we do not settle, then trial is looming and my lawyer feels the pressure is too much for a person like her to handle.  We shall see.  But as pointed out, ALL of you have been truly a great help.

This BPD is fascinating in a negative sense, I truly do not hate my wife, I have no desire for hate.  What I do have is immense sadness for her, cause she can not see this for what it is.  She has to play the victim and thus never is held accountable.  Well like my lawyer said, I am stubborn and like people here advised, I will not bend the knee, I will stand until I feel what is fair.  My wife thinks I should get one night with my kid.  Like my lawyer said, they have seen drug addicts get custody of their children.  Here I am just wanting to be with my child consistently.

T&S made some good points here.  You want to be perceived as the person with solutions.  If all you have is complaints, that's all the courts and the professionals advising court will see.  Yes, there are lies and baseless claims there as well as some things for which you'll have to take ownership.  You can always ask for a review of your updated test results after another few months if things don't go as well as you wish now.  Be the problem solver, propose solutions.  Then you've done your best at this time and whether they utilize any of them is on them.  You've done what you could with the present circumstances.

My separated spouse made allegations too.  No one cared about me.  She made Threats of DV and she admitted it in municipal court.  She made unsubstantiated allegations against me in family court and no one paid me much attention.  In fact it took me a year and three tries in court to get access to my son's therapy records.  Turned out she was making allegations there too, I was improperly blocked but none of the professionals apologized.  Wasn't fair, but frankly court and the agencies are a judicial system, not a justice system.  Tough for sure but we've got to work with what we've got.

Near the end of our two year divorce this is what occurred between both lawyers and me (ex was in another room) just before we began our ordered settlement conference (that ended in about 5 minutes with her getting triggered and becoming threatening):

Also, how in the world is this WORLD FAIR, when my soon to be ex-wife is working today, BUT I HAVE NO IDEA who is with my son.  It makes me so angry and I feel the system is so flawed.  It bugs me at this very moment, knowing my wife is working, I have no idea who he is with, where he is, etc.  Not fair.  My wife feels she should have our son, due to the baby needs the mom more.  Well he is 2 1/2 years old.  He is not a baby and I want my son in my life.  She is shooting for me to have him only one night a week.  Not going to happen, I will not accept that, whatever I have to do, I WILL DO.

So mind boggling.

Still coaching patience, here. When you get to making a parent plan, you will address things like this by including right of first refusal clauses. Standard is anything over 4 hours care provided outside of parent requires providing other parent right of first refusal for care of child that day.

And more likely than not, when you reach that point, your ex will not notify you, even as you play by the rules. That is happening to me right now. My xw does not really understand that ROFR applies to her as well as me. But, I keep my cool, and keep working it through the collaborative team that I am in so that they can tell her she is violating our agreement, not me.

This isn't about fair and unfair. I really don't recommend making it so. It's understandable that you are in the midst of sorting this out still as your changes came about through an unexpected RO. But you want to be the problem solving, flexible, reliable and receptive parent in the eyes of the court. Railing at the system won't help your case. However, you can do that to your heart's content on the boards here. And for my part, I understand that you are angry that your son is with someone and you have no say. Bothers me too when my wife arranges for helpers. ROFR will be your ally, and you can use it more to your advantage when you show that she is the one violating the agreement, not you.

Hi.  Here is our counter offer regarding custody/visitation:
Currently, Sat 8:30 am - Sun 6:00 pm every week;
When child is three, one weekend a month, the father will have the child Fri 6:00 pm - Sun 6:00 pm week one, and Sat 8:30 am - Sun 6:00 pm; weeks two, three and four;
When child is four, the weekends alternate Fri 6:00 pm - Sun 6:00 pm, weeks one and three and Sat 8:30 am - Sun 6:00 pm, weeks two and four;
When child is five, the weekends with alternate Fri at 6:00 pm - Sun 6:00 pm ; mid week visit for dinner;


That was the offer given back to me. So safe to say, my soon to be EX Wife is going to now face the music.  I have tried very hard to play nice, but now as my DV Lawyer stated, it is time to take off my gloves get the divorce lawyer.

At age 5 your son is likely to be starting kindergarten or perhaps preschool before even that.  Wouldn't it make sense to go Friday PM to Monday AM when he begins school?  That way, except on Monday holidays, you can pick him up Friday from school or daycare and drop him off Monday at school or daycare.  That would enable fewer in-person encounters with her. :thought:

My county has a guidelines document.  Though not enforceable, it lists recommended schedules, one for children under 3 with frequent visits, ages 3 to early teens with either equal time (2-2-3 schedule) or longer alternate weekends, and older teens who may need even more of a single home base.

Moving so slowly to standard scheduled time is concerning to me.  However, you are getting time on each weekend, something most of us don't get.  What if she changes careers and wants to cancel the every weekend piece?

Our offer was fair, I am wanting to be part of my kids life.  I wanted him Friday Night until Sunday Night.  Which we felt was fair, instead she comes back with this offer.  Well, I rejected it immediately, in fact my lawyer did for me.  So now we have to meet with a Divorce lawyer, to group the DV case and the Divorce Case together.  The DV will be tossed out immediately due to the appearance the wife has done this to get me out of the home.  Now she is not being reasonable.

The Divorce lawyer I will have is WELL known for being aggressive in court, getting people to wilt and get orders removed.  We hope to have the Supervised visits removed on Monday so my poor sister does not have to drive 30 minutes one way to pick up my son, or my mom can have her weekends back to visit her sisters, go to Church.

My Ex Wife is not being reasonable and it is shocking to my lawyer currently she is going down this path.  She admits, she has little knowledge of BPD, where my Divorce Lawyer does.

My Divorce lawyer stated it will be a big mistake on the Ex-Wife part to not accept our custody offer, cause once in Court, we will then hammer out a 50-50 split. 

I am now angry.

When in doubt, get a BULLDOG of a lawyer.  At this stage, I had done what is honorable at this time.  I paid the bills, followed the Original Order of Protection, even though it was based not on truths and merits.  It has been a painful journey.  Today, the path took a different turn.

At Court, we caught her lawyer kind of in a lie.  MY NEW lawyer, basically advised we will be seeking to remove the case from the Family Court and moving it to Supreme Court for Divorce, Custody and Child Support.  My wife lawyer stated she filed on Friday.  My Lawyer jumped up and said, WRONG, I checked Friday, nothing was filed, but I did file today for Divorce.  My wife will be served today.  Our hope is now the pressure will begin to mount. 

So I now get my child every weekend, overnights and I get a dinner visit with him during the week.  We are no longer needing to have supervised visits. 

She tried to raise up other elements, but each time it was squashed.  Like the fact she claims I do not change my sons diaper often.  The past Saturday he arrived and had a diaper full of pop.  It was not the 15 minute ride that resulted in him having a rash, who knows how long he had the diaper on.  I KNEW she would try to play this card.  It was squashed.  She still trying to play the victim card. 

I have to do another evaluation, since the first came back inconclusive, which is fine, cause I am doing great.  I have no desire to have herb part of my life, since I am no longer under the constant barrage of pressure from my wife and her BPD.

I did feel bad, I can tell she is tired.  She did try to mention we can discuss bills via text, my lawyer squashed that, Bills will be discussed in Divorce Court, I am not to pay anything for her going forward.  July 31st, she will have a new residence and then I have no more bills in my name.

My new lawyer read all of my attempts, this and that.  It is sad, she is fully aware of BPD, said there is no cure, only Cognitive Behavior Help and if she does not seek help, her behaviors will continue to repeat.

So my advice to anyone going thru this, stay the course, stay positive and the truth will rise.  It may take time, but it will catch up.

Today, I feel much better, knowing I can finally have my boy over nights. 

Hi there!

I've been reading your story and I am sorry to hear of all the heartache that you have been going through.  It sounds like you have a great attorney who can help you now so that's awesome!

I just wanted to chime in on one thing which is the ROFR (Right of First Refusal) that others have mentioned.  I advise you to strongly consider whether or not you really want it for several reasons:
1 - most likely your ex wife will NOT follow it but will nail you to the cross about it every chance she gets and then try to use it to say you are a bad dad for not being available 24X7 to your son.
2 - It creates a TON of enmeshment especially if it kicks in after only four hours.  I don't know where you live but I live in a large city. So 4 hours isn't enough time to travel to/from and play 18 holes of golf.  Not saying you play golf or even want to but my point is... .do you really want to be required to report to your wife every time you have plans for more than four hours until your son is 18?  (If you ever want to date again, 4 hours including travel time doesn't allow for a very long date.)
3 - In the same vein as above, my husband has an irregular work schedule.  His parents (my stepdaughters' grandparents) live 3 hours away by plane.  So, with a 4 hour ROFR, I wouldn't be able to take my stepdaughters to see their grandparents unless my husband was able to be with us the whole time.  Yes, of course, he would come with us to see them but there have been a few occasions where it would have been handy if I could take the kids earlier due to cheaper flights and he (my husband) could come meet us a few hours later when he got off work. Unfortunately, due to 4 hour ROFR, we had to pass up these opportunities.


So just my thoughts but if you get equal time or even 60/40 split, better for your time to be your time and her time to be her time (Ie - no ROFR).  It's hard to not know where your child is but easier to accept that than dealing with a BPD Ex who is verbally abusive at every opportunity.  Less enmeshment equals less opportunity for her to abuse you.

Seems like I wanted to mention something else but I'm old and forgetful so I'll post it later if/when I remember.

Take care and good luck!
Doxie 

Im not sure about the ROFR, but I do not want certain people watching my son.   Mainly her mother and evil step father, well hell, both are evil.

So Yesterday she dropped my son off at my office and that was the first time we have spoken to one another since May 23rd.

I did not go to her window, I can see her messing with her phone, I am 100% she set it up to record our interaction as she has done so with my sister being the one picking up and dropping off my son for the past 6 weeks.

So I go to grab my son out of the vehicle, she leans back to say, 7pm you will return him right.  I simply respond Yes.  Of course I am nervous, she then asks me, "how are you doing"?  I respond short and direct but obviously showing a little emotion, it is all upsetting.  I say, "I am doing as good as I can"

These dinner visits are hard, he is only 2 1/2 so he is not fond of eating in a restaurant, etc.  He loves his Vegetables and pasta.  So I run to my parents, 15 minute drive then proceed to feed him in a rush, then head back to my wife apartment.

My sister follows me there.  I text her, I am here.  She comes out and I have my son at her door step.  She sees my sister and asks, "Why is your sister here"?  I said one word, :SECURITY", she claims that it is ok cause it is in the order now.  She also adds REALLY, like shocked I had someone with me.  She gives me a gift that my son had made in Church Group.  She then helps my son say Goodbye, see you laters and love you's.

So our first exchange was odd.  It almost like this is a game to her.  She thinks I can trust her, SHE CLAIMED I ABUSED MY SON.  It will be a long road for me to forgive and to trust again. 

It is early, but I know she was served the Divorce Docs from my side.

Ok it has been awhile, but this week we had court and well, so came a few shockers.

First of all, I completed a Drug and Alcohol Evaluation, as you have read, I had admitted to smoking pot in May, but none since.  So I completed the process and the clinic gave me a letter, which was presented in court that outlines I do not have an issue with marijuana nor do they deem me needing further assistance.  What is funny, my soon to be ex-wife insists that she be a collateral.  I declined, this woman has known me for less than 5 years and so far from my perspective, she has lied and embellished to better her stance vs me.  She is claiming I smoke pot morning, afternoon and night.  What is hilarious, I work in an office setting, so I have three ladies who all sit with me, near me and all would happily state the opposite!  It is just crazy.  My collaterals have known me a combined 58 years and I am only 44 years old.

So during court, my lawyer presented all sides this Document, her side went silent!  Until the judge asked my wife's lawyer for a statement.  All she could muster up and say, was the document did not disclose much just that I was a nice guy.  When it clearly states I do not have an issue with that substance.  I choose my child over anything this life can offer!  What is odd, I last smoked on a Friday night either May 19th or May 12 and as of August 4th, I was still testing positive.  Now, I am about 55lbs overweight in large part the marriage.  But how in the world is it still in my system is baffling!  But the blessing is my score in June and in August have shown decreasing levels.  But like the Clinician said, he has not seen this in 25 years.  But he sparked a fear in me, I need to see a doctor there could be underlining issues with my body.  Now I advised him, I have never been this overweight.  So that is a factor.

Also, what is noted, her side is seeking me to pay her lawyer fee, maintenance and her claim is during our marriage our arrangement was she would be a stay at home mom.  She went so far to call herself a homemaker; mind you, rarely cooked dinner, rarely cleaned the apartment, we had not slept together in nearly 2 years being married about 4.  Just sad!  Yet she carries her bible with her as if she is some TRUTH bearing soul at all times.   

She even tried to state I need to pay for Pre-School, the judge caught this, stated that he is only 2 1/2 years old, what Pre-School.  She attempted to say YMCA and the judge squashed that, saying he would not call the YMCA a Pre School to her side.  She also went for Sole Custody, Final Say in everything.  Just listening to her side, it was sad!  My mind is telling me one thing, the heart the other.  This is one major obstacle to overcome when involved with a BPD spouse.  Logic must overcome the feelings, emotions tied to the BPD Spouse.  She is of course now angry with me, our first exchange I could tell she is mad.  Her whole case vs me revolved around Marijuana.  Which is a joke.  I do not even drink, so what if I smoked a little herb from time to time to help myself relax and sleep, when her and my son was well asleep and I did it outside.

Any how, our case of course was adjourned, her side wants more clarity from the evaluation. 

This divorce should be easy and fast, instead my ex wife is trying to drag this out.  I could not help but think she basks in this light, she feels like it helps make her important and maybe she can win over the likes of the judge, etc. 

What was the hearing about? What decision was made?

Minor point: Marijuana will test positive for up to twelve weeks for a frequent user. Judge knows this. Attorneys, too.

Skip it was our first instance in Supreme Court in front of an actual judge.  We were finally able to see her side, with her paperwork and exactly what she was going for. 

1: Sole Custody
2: Primary Residence
3: Maintenance
4: Pay her lawyer fee
5: Final say in all matters with our son
6: That I am a raging pot head, morning, day and night.

So the judge was presented our paperwork from the Counselor, it was given to my wife's side.  he basically extended the Order of Protection while the case is unfolding.  My wifes side wants more clarity from the evaluation, which my lawyer and I are left wondering, since the letter was pretty clear.  We squashed my wives entire line of attack.  Mind you, she is playing off that she is this wonderful person, she was a homemaker, etc.  We are licking at our chops for our time to have the light finally shown on her character.

The Child Lawyer called and we had a nearly 2 hour conversation, interview.  One thing that really stuck out, is my wife wants me to pick up our son on Saturday Mornings at 7am, instead of 830am.  She is playing the card, ":)on't you want that extra hour with your son"!  I explained to the lawyer, this woman is using my son as a weapon to cause me harm.  I explained how I have spoken with her and advised does it not make more sense for me to get him Friday night, so he can wake up with me two mornings instead of just one?  Then you can have all the time you need to get ready for work both Saturday and Sunday.  The lawyer asked me why do you think she is not granting that?  I explained the whole BPD thing going on.  The lawyer agreed, she thinks it would make more sense for him to be with me Friday night.  At the end, she confirmed what I been saying all along.  I told her, I have not changed my story, I been honest from the get go.  I also added, if I for one second thought my wife was abusive to my son, do you think I would ever change my mind and say yeah she is good to go!  She has changed her stance more than once.  NOT IN A MILLION YEARS would I.  So why did she?  Why did she say in court that I am a good father.  I explained to the child's lawyer, this woman, my ex wife is using this whole platform to showcase she is a good person, she is a good mom, a good wife, etc.  The lawyer agreed, she said speaking with you, I can get the sense you are a good father, that you want an active role in your son's life.  My job it to recommend what I feel is best for your child.  She ended it by saying she does feel it makes more sense, easier on the boy for him to come with me after work on Fridays.

The Court in all honesty is a drag, I feel like it is all tied together to help generate as much income as possible.  In our example, our case should be handled rather quickly. 

My lawyer is attempted to locate her first husband, for he did opposite of me.  He instead of coming home, started going out to the bars and did not come home in a time manner.  She went after him claiming he was a Coke Head.  She also went after him in manners I do not need to repeat.  We also want to discuss in court her habit of getting orders of protection.  We want to raise the issue of why she is not close to her own mother, father, etc.  My wife is angry at me now.  I believe also, my lawyer mentioned in court, that she has to get a full time job.

It's natural to want to "get" her or "shine the light" on extreme BPDish behavior in court.  I've certainly felt that way before.

I think it is likely to be more productive to try to "assist" the court in making a good decision for the child.

So... .there is an allegation of drug use and some supporting test results.

Perhaps you can ask your lawyer if you "lean into" the problem and volunteer for drug monitoring (weekly... .bi-weekly)... would that help.

Perhaps have your lawyer put in for parenting or "custody" evaluations.

Perhaps have your lawyer ask for court ordered counseling for the child and perhaps court ordered joint parenting counseling for you and your stbex.

Courts like counseling and therapy.

Courts like records and openness.  Courts like people that are pushing for better welfare for the child, vice appearing to want to "win in court"  over their spouse. 

Over time, pwBPD will have issues with compliance and nons generally won't.

FF

I agree.

Focus on "this is why I'm a good parent". Show that your are "reasonable and more concerned about establishing respect and calm for the child than winning a "who sucks more" contest with your wife", and admit the drug use (rather than lay it off to body fat, or exercise, or eating the wrong food - no one is buying that) and prove that it is not abuse or addiction by submitting for regular testing and testing negative time after time. You are coming up on twelve weeks so you should go negative, soon.

Hey... .about the "arguments" about why drugs are still in your system.  If you are going to go down that road... .you need to, through your L, retain medical professionals to sort that kind of thing out.

There are... .from time to time, really weird circumstances, which can be scientifically proven (vice guessed at) as to why the levels stay high in YOUR body.

And... .there very well may be a good reason... .  I AM going to agree with Skip that this line of argument go either one of two ways.

1.  I've used more than I said... .and now that I'm on weekly monitoring, counseling... etc etc etc... .I'm going to stay away

or

2.  Prove out what is actually going on in your body.

I suppose if your never again test positive... .and that holds true over time... .that it could be an acceptable 3rd option, with regular testing.

Be wary of going down this line and make sure it is through your lawyer... .so it remains privileged.  Otherwise, you could embarrass yourself or worse.

I'll attempt to lighten the mood and share some personal experience.  I'm retired Navy and was in charge of the "pee program" for a long time in my commands.  We had a rigorous testing regime.

ONLY ONCE, did we find a valid reason for a positive... .in my 20 years.  A sailor forgot to put down he recently started ADHD medication... .and it triggered a positive.

OK... .truth is stranger than fiction... .

The most interesting claim... .that I thought was actually going to work, was from a female Sailor.  She swore (and seemed believable) that she NEVER smoked or used the drug (I wish I could remember the drug for sure). 

Anyway... through internet research she figured out that this drug was present in measurable quantities in semen.  Yeah... .I said it... .spooge. 

Her claim was that her civilian boyfriend was an exceptionally heavy user... .and she like to give head and... .     you can't make this up... .swallow.

Bless her heart... .   |iiii  Yeah... .I called all my fellow Naval Aviators with a "you're not going to believe it but... ." story.

Then... I got back to the serious business of actually adjudicating the claim.  Navy Commanding Officers are part of the legal process in the Navy and have to sit as "judges" for certain levels of things.

So... .I needed an expert and the Navy has those kinds of things.  PhD level scientists.  They said her argument had merit (and yes... .I never looked at her the same way again... .sorry... .I'm not THAT professional... .), yet... .the scientists wanted to actually do the science on this.

So... .they did some calculations and it turns out that yes... .a girl can get measurable levels of this in her system from spooge.  However, she couldn't get as much as she had in her system.

I kid you not, they figured out how much she would have had to swallow in order to get to the level she had in her system, then they consulted with medical doctors and figured out that no man produces that much... .you know... .fluid... .

Therefore, the vast majority of the drug in her system came from being a user and not from putting a smile on her boyfriends face.

Like I said... .you can't make this stuff up


FF

Wow, I think that I swallowed tops everything I've ever heard.  The typical Believe It Or Not one is the mother who claims the husband is not the father of her child.  It's spiteful but then it also means that if her claim is true then she was unfaithful.  Ak.  Of course, today the labs can compare DNA and prove whether the husband was father or not.

The result from court is to give you more time to get your lab results closer to normal.  That's good.  What is your parenting schedule like?  Is it relatively close to what a typical father is assigned?  Hopefully the court will see you're not a danger to your child and will have issued a relatively normal schedule even if not as much as you want.

My current schedule is the following:

Wednesday Dinner 5 to 7, but the wife tells me to bring him back at 745pm.

Saturday Morning 830am until Sunday 6pm. 

So she recently had the nerve to say this to me; ":)o you want to spend an extra hour with your son?  Then come pick him up at 7am on Saturday Morning"?  I declined, cause this benefits ONLY her, she needs two hours to get ready for work.  I advised he wakes up at 630am, goes to bed at 8pm, why not just agree to drop him off at my office at 5pm on Friday's so him and I can have two morning together in which we wake up together?  Her claim is she wants him to sleep in his own bed.  Well, I mentioned he will have two homes in the near future.  The Child Lawyer agreed with me, this offer makes no sense and she asked why would my wife say that?  Weapon, my kid is a weapon in her life and she knows it is one way to cause me harm.

There are not arguments why herb was found in my system, I said and admitted and have stuck to my story I smoked herb to help relax with a friend in Mid May.  Now my own personal concern is that it is still in my system, hence why I need to get a physical and make sure there are no underlying issues with my body.  I do notice my vision sometimes is blurry, dizzy spells, but I associate them with fatigue or aging.  But the counselor said I should have a physical.

My focus has and always will be the same.  I have no other desire but to be a great father and be heavily involved in my sons life.  Hence I will never accept my wifes wishes.  For example, final say in everything with him.  I have filed a Hippa Release, requesting info on him; progress reports and to make sure he is up to date with his vaccinations.

My lawyer said it best, there is not a lot to fight about here.  So her side must come to grips.  Her free ride is over.  She wants to be like her mother, is acting out just like her mother and hopes to win this case or I quit like what happened to her own parents.  Her father quit in the divorce and it happens to be his biggest regret in his life, cause he now knows and understands the pain and suffering his daughter, my wife endured.

So as for further evaluations, nope, we are not seeking them.  I have spent nearly $1000 out of pocket and these drug counselors are not the best of people.  They are very rude to be truthful, but I also understand with the opiates, cocaine and alcohol problem in this country their hands are tied.  Most of the clinics where I am at, YOU CAN NOT GET an appointment for months! 

So our next court date is in 3 weeks, my evaluation they want further details, so not sure what more they want.  The Counselor stated no further action is needed.  My lawyer said that was their game plan to go after me and claim I am a raging pot head, which is a contradiction in itself.  My wife has shown her hand, and soon the light will be set on her.  Multiple orders of protection, previous marriage ended with her claims he was a drug user, alienation of me and my son, alienation of her own family, manipulation and of course, we will bring into court her very own family and ask the tough questions.  Why are you not close to your mother?  Why do you not let your son go to your own mother and step fathers home?  Why did you not speak with your fathers side of the family for over 10 years?  My lawyer is very aggressive, but we are waiting our turn as she puts it.

Just a word of caution - aggressive lawyers are often about fueling the anger and getting the fees up. Centering lawyers tend to be more about getting the job done and steering away from the emotional tension of family court.


It will really help to drop this thinking (about what benefits her). Its natural to want to win and be vindicated. Unfortunately the family court system doesn't do this and people who try often pay a lot of money for nothing. I've seen many folks her very sorry after all the dust settles.


I really encourage you to let this go (the emotional battle). You will likely get Friday night in the end, anyway. Here's the deal, if the judge sees that the two of you can't compromise or work out little things for the benefit of the child, it will work against the person (s) doing it.

If you want Friday night, ask the judge to do it. Bring the child's attorney in to testify. Be all business.

Judges or magistrates prefer to be referees rather than adjudicators.  Settlements can't be appealed, objected or contested.  Trials take so much of the court's time that they prefer having a series of pre-trial hearings and then continuing again and again a few weeks or months later.  It's almost like they're hoping the parents will have a moment of insight and decide to Let Go the emotions and abysmally slow court pace and "work it out".  Well, our type of cases with obstructive or controlling spouses doesn't fit that scenario.

This is not to say we don't reach settlements sometimes.  In my divorce I had spent nearly two years fulfilling every step required by the court.  The first step after getting the temp order was mediation.  In our xPD cases mediation usually fails because the ex is still too entitled.  My mediation (with mediator) failed spectacularly, as well as the ordered settlement conference (with lawyers).  But I arrived for the eventual trial and wow I was greeted with the news she was ready to settle.  I found out later that her lawyer told her she would lose in the trial.  When it came down to The Defining Moment, she blinked.

The others are right.  You need solid strategies.  Being "right" doesn't mean as much as you imagine in court.  If you're expecting a huge declaration how good you are and how bad she is, you'll probably be let down.  Based on what judges order it is evident court believes declaring "winner" versus "loser" doesn't help much to reduce the conflict.  A truism I sometimes quote is:  The person behaving poorly seldom gets much in the way of consequences and the person behaving well seldom gets much in the way of credit.

This is not to say court totally ignores valid reasons for change, however my conclusion is that court prefers to make changes as small as possible.  And so we kept ending up back in court when each minimal change didn't resolve things.  So do the best you can, don't expect vindication, seek improvements.  We've notice court generally gives less concern to adult behavior complaints but does pay more attention to valid parenting behavior issues including obstruction of parenting.

In a couple years your son will be heading to pre-school or kindergarten.  (Maybe you have daycare currently?)  Anyway, it won't be long and he'll be attending school of some sort.  It will make exchanges much simpler if you do weekend exchanges after school on Fridays and back at school on Mondays.  Try to get the weekend schedule now as close to that as possible, don't wait until school is looming, it can take up to a year or more to get schedule changes ordered.  My typical time in court to get significant changes was about 17 months.

LiD,
Going to agree with Skip on this. You state that you are only interested in the welfare of your son. If BPDm is unstable presence in your son's life, then in his best interest, take any extra time that she offers you. It doesn't ONLY benefit her - it benefits your son, and probably you as well.

One very common experience on the boards here is that the BPD parent will, regardless of what the courts or parent plan state, often struggle with actually being responsible for the children during their custody time and will seek to off load that responsibility on to the nonBPD parent. Take it. Do it. Keep a record of that time like the extra 45 minutes for Wednesday dinner she requested to suit her life. Do all of that. And present that as precedent to the courts to establish that in fact, you are a reasonable parent, care about your son, and work toward solutions that benefit YOUR SON.

Or you can go the route you are going, contest, resist, seek vindication. More often than not, that approach often leads to higher conflict which can be a no win, harmful situation for your son. Put another way, if she is seeking to use your son as a weapon to harm you, will you resort to using your son as a weapon to harm her? Can that ever be the right answer?

Sorry to be blunt. I believe that you love your son. Try your best to keep him front and center in all of your communication, actions and thoughts.

Hey... .all of us here are on your side.  There is a lot of "fight" in you... .and that is a good thing.  Make no mistake about it, there is a big potential here for a big fight.

Frankly... .you need to get the "fight" in you under control and focus it.  Not every battle needs to be won... .or even fought. 

Literally... .I've turned tail and ran from military fights that I likely would have won. 

Fight smarter... .not harder.  Focus your energy on the center of gravity to this entire thing.  We don't know the center of gravity at the moment, but it is likely the mental and emotional stability of the mother.

Accusations aren't going to help this.  "Evaluations" and "shining the light" (over time) will show a better picture of the true character of both of you.  Having you "put yourself out there" to be evaluated and (potentially) having her "hiding" or "running" from them and the questions you raise about her... .will be very telling to the court.

Very very important that you react well to the light of day being shined on you.   She will react... .however she reacts. 

Back to my main point.  Need to get the "fight" in you under control




Hey man... .I'm throwing the Dad flag on this (football analogy... just in case you are not sports fan). 

You were offered a couple extra hours with your kid and the "fight" in you "won out" over the "dad" in you.

Bad move dude... .

Take some time to reflect on this... .




Seems reasonable to me.  Kids like familiar things.  Different things can bring anxiety.  This was one morning... .one night.

"Fighting smart" could have been to accept and venture "perhaps we do it this way for a few weeks and then discuss how junior is doing with this arrangement"

Make it about "junior"... .not about the fight.




The Child is a weapon with two handles on it... .  I'm interested in making sure your hand is NOT on those handles.  That will be very difficult when she grabs the handle and uses the kid as weapon.  Document... .make sure "evaluators" know this... .

Make sure it is "over obvious" that you are putting the kids needs ahead of yours...

Let your lawyer make that point and argument for you... .




Many reasons this needs to be figured out.  It is a "known unknown"... .hopefully you can make this a "known known"




Yes... .physical and yes to working with a family therapist so you can "show to the court" that you are taking steps to be the best Dad possible.


Sorry dude... .Dad flag... .again.

If that is your only desire... .explain again YOUR decision to not spend time with your kid... .when offered... on a Saturday morning.




Dad flag... .you can fill in the rest of my response...


Reasonable.  The "procedure" to handle scheduling medical appointments and medical decisions need to be crystal clear in your agreements.

 

Big mistake... .big




Very good questions to have answered by and evaluator and to be presented to the court.


Last thought:  Fortunately or unfortunately... .I've dealt with lots of lawyers.  The best ones are "grounded", but have lots of tools in their tool belt.  There are legal versions of "knives and shanks" that you definitely want to make sure your lawyer "can use", but more importantly that the lawyer has the wisdom of "when to" or "if" they will use.

Please don't "argue" with some of the posts that are on here.  My hope for you is time to reflect... to strategize... .

FF

And taking the extra time she offered ought to demonstrate to the court that by doing that she can't also say you're a bad or abusive dad.

I can see your thought that if she's willing to give up most of the Saturday morning time then maybe you can get the whole overnight.  Or refuse to have a longer evening, for what purpose, to make it an overnight?  Maybe it will work but what if it doesn't?  What if the court or your son's lawyer doesn't favor your "more or none" approach?

Maybe you can state your position, I will take the additional hour you offered but I will still seek Friday overnight.  Could that work?

Drugs.

Please don't be offended by this. We are your support group and sometime support is a glass of cold water.  *)

Everytime you repeat to the judge, and the evaluaters that the drug tests are wrong, then are thinking, this guy is not honest or humble and he thinks we're dumb. Being honest and humble and respecting the court and its service is really important.

There is a saying used by attorneys - "bad facts". It means that things are present that look worse than they are in the eyes of the court.

In your case, the bad facts are multiple, high scores on a drug test over time. Everyone believes the tests. They have heard every excuse in the past cases they are involved in - and the drug test are virtually foolproof - especially on multiple tests over time.

Every time you say the test are wrong, what the judge and the agents of the court hear is that you are not in denial, not credible, telling the truth, ego issues, etc. And by extension, they will apply this to others things that you say. For example, they judge may think, well if this guy can't deal with a drug test and get caught red handed, what is he going to do if his daughter has difficult medical situation - maybe I should give mom sole custody.

You don't want this, right?

As you say, they are making a really big deal out of the drugs. You are saying, they are lying and you only smoked on May 15. The judge has to decide who is telling the truth. Look at the choice he has.

The same goes with fighting over child issues. Judges wants the parents to check the baggage at the door and pay attention to the kid. The more fighting there is, the more he is likely to award one side more control. The mother already has a higher standing in the courts eyes - so be careful how you respond to her about anything (and do it by email so you have a record).

Right now, it sounds like the case is the equivalent of "my husbands drives recklessly and I think he will hurt the child" and she has a stack of speeding tickets.  You defense seems to be "no, she is a nut job" and "the radar detectors were broken".

Certainly follow your lawyer - but I would think a position for this is "yes I smoked pot for relaxation, probably not the best decision I've made,  but I don't need it and I've given it up - feel free to test me".  And now you have the stack of papers that support this (the future tests, and the rehabs evaluation).

Flip it!
 

I know I am not perfect and I have made mistakes and I own up to them.  For example, I am not denying my test results, the results speak for themselves.  I tested positive in early June and still in early August, but the number or the NG count has decreased so there is no suspicion. 

Trust me, I am not offended, I come from a Euro family, so this is all uncharted travel for me. 

So I take it all in, I learn and I try to get better.  Looking at it from the perspective on here, I should have taken the child, but my lawyer is pushing for Friday's and says the EX will give us Fridays very, very soon.  I have not said they were lying, I basically said that is baffles me it is somehow still in my system.  I have already made that claim as well, my choice is my son, over anything in this life, including herb, family, ANYTHING.  I just want to have an active role in my sons life and not one of them twice a month dads!

Part of my fight is that I am so disappointed I fell into this trap, I should have seen it coming.  Her uncle who is a client of mine, shared recently she is doing exactly what her mother did 37 years ago to his brother, her father.  Sad. 

The thing that concerns me is her anger, she is some reason very angry right now. My lawyer tends to believe her whole argument vs me was based on marijuana and when we have a professional dismiss this, it really throws a wrench in their entire game plan.  My two lawyers have stated that I have done everything asked of me and I have done it well.  I have shown respect to the courts, I have taken the CO Parent class before it was issued, I have taken the seriousness of my failed drug test, I also have not violated my order, I have continued to pay all the bills on time, her child support on time, submitted all my financial papers, etc. 

One thing I have learned about BPD, they have usually suffered greatly as children, so they take it to almost and OCD level to provide care for the child.  So I am not saying she is an unfit mother, or bad, etc.  I just know, she needs HER TIME.   The Child Lawyer is going to make that recommendation I get my son Friday after work, she asked what I wanted, I said, Friday night to Monday Morning.  Then as he transitions into school we can work out a very smooth transition process with limited interactions and it allows my wife to head back to her main money making job; BARTENDING. 

My two lawyers, the one I have now is very well known, the judge I noticed even mentioned her by first name basis where he mentioned a more formal aspect with my wifes lawyer, I take notes and pay attention to the judge.  Like I mentioned, it was odd, after my lawyer stated her legal jargon and handed everyone a copy of my evaluation, there was an uneasy silence for well over 10 minutes before he asked for a statement.  Which he squashed parts of it and then granted more info about my evaluation. 

I am confident in myself handling this pressure.  It is not easy, but I am handling it, saving money, etc.  Preparing to get my own place shortly after.  I just wish I could speak with my wife and try to settle this between us.  Instead of trying to milk me and the system. 

Like my lawyer said, she believes my wife is getting horrible advice, for starters it is just marijuana and I have never lost a job, been arrested, etc. 

I appreciate all of you taking time and helping me, it means a lot, as I stated, I am not perfect and I see the error in my ways, so thank you.

I don't think anyone is second guessing your decision for Saturday morning. What was second guessed was the reason for the decision. In the greater scheme of things, this incident won't matter. The suggestion is to get you to adjust your miindset.


I think you are missing the point here. This stuff is not intuitive. You case depends on you saying that they are lying that your are an intoxicated abusive father.

Someone has to be lying here.

The judge has to make that call.

Do you think when you say the drug test are high because of working out, body fat, etc., that you are helping or hurting your case/credibility?

Well the original order of protection stated that I was abusive towards my son, but the wife has admitted in court that I am a very good father.  The two child lawyers also stated the same and that based on what they have learned of my situation it likely is best for me to not be involved with this type of woman. 

The Child Lawyer I was interviewed with this week, she said each body metabolized differently and having extra weight and working out, the judge knows this does impact the levels in my body.  BUT as long as the levels show what has been shown in me, decreased greatly. 

My lawyer said so far during court, we have won our mini battles.  My wife is not looking good in certain elements, as if she is reaching.  The judge declined her notion that the Y represents a PRE School. 

We believe the judge and referees thus far have seen thru.  If I was such a bad person, or bad father, then why this and that.  Like I mentioned, if there was truth in abuse, never bend the knee.  I wouldn't! 

The Child guardian also said law is not fair, but it is just.  One thing that is clear, I have no contradicted myself, truth is always easier to notice. 

LiD,

Do you know if you will be testifying before the judge?

Or will your L be doing all the talking.

We go back early Sept, so my lawyer is hoping the case is settled by then, problem is I technically can not speak with my wife, only my kid.   But I have noticed her anger and she said she does not want to talk about it.

That means she knows her case is lost with my Evaluation proving I am not a drug abuser or need further action.  Or that my lawyer said to her, that she was not a homemaker and that it is time for her to either get two jobs or a full time job.

Again, as I told my lawyer, my story is the truth, I have no problems speaking, we have countless emails, stories, connections that will show a history from my wifes side that is unstable, previous arrests, previous orders used as a means of a tool, etc.  Manipulation, alienation, my lawyer said it best: I have never had a client in my 30 years as organized as you.  But I told her, I knew something was off, almost from the get go, thus why I saved my attempts to connect with my wife, via email, etc.   

My lawyer said her intention has been to get their side to have the judge focus on them, and she said he did just that.  he noticed she has reached for me to pay her legal fees, her gym membership, her maintenance, bills, etc...    Yet, her initial claim that I was abusive at this stage appears to be made up.  Also I have not violated my order and that I have done everything asked of me and then some.

Hey, LiD.

It sounds like you are doing the right things in court. I guess we all are just wanting you to have enough space/time to not react to your situation, but continue to calmly respond to it - easier said than done, particularly with the protective orders and your wife keeping you from seeing your son for a period of time.

I really do recommend always taking any extra time offered by your wife, unless it is not possible for you. In my own case, I have taken vacation days from work when I could not arrange child care on my wife's custody days that I assumed responsibility for, simply because: a) I want to spend time with my sons, and b) I want to demonstrate that I am a consistent reliable father in unassailable fashion. And when I have had to pay for child care on my wife's custody days where she has asked me to take the children, I never assert the costs to her. Why? Because those days are recorded on a calendar as my custody days, not hers. If I asked her to pay half the child care cost, do you think she would contest that I had custody on those days? Probably.  I want to establish the precedence that I am a competent, caring and flexible parent working toward solutions. And, this approach aligns with what is in the best interest of my sons.

I assure you, I would dearly love to point to my wife's parenting behaviors, her lack of availability for the children, her anger issues and her putting her own needs before theirs. But I don't. I just count on the fact that her habits of relying on me to take care of the children to relieve her of being around them too much will continue unabated, and I intend to record each and every incident so that I can let the calendar make the case without me having to use words that might appear as stirring up conflict. Case in point: xw has always hated the summer months because I work and there is no school, and she is "on" for the kids until I would get home from work. In this first summer of our separation, how many custody days do you think she requested that I take over from her? It's been around 15 - basically tilting our 39% / 61% arrangement to 56% / 44%. Can you see how this will be more compelling than anything that you can say in court?

It took me a long time to get a grasp on the mindset of domestic or family court, the judges, magistrates, lawyers, children's lawyers (Guardian ad Litems), etc.  Some aspects that I considered so important, so obvious, were not issues to the court, sometimes even being studiously ignored.  Their perspective didn't mesh or match our understanding of common sense.

For that reason it is good to have an experienced lawyer.  However, even many of those are so used to having to lead their mystified clients by the hand through the maze of court logic and procedures.  So it is good you have lawyers who will explain to you what they're doing and why.  They'll still try to do everything by the book, usually that means the case takes far longer than you think necessary.  That's not such a bad thing.  From the court's perspective, it is overworked and would prefer to have the parents get fed up waiting on the court and set aside their differences to work out their own settlement.  But with BPD in the mix, that's not likely to happen.  So as time passes, generally the BPD makes missteps.  In my case, just a few months before our trial, my then-stbEx raged at the pediatrician's staff (because they let me make an appointment) and they "withdrew services".  That made her look very, very bad, I mean, how often does a pediatrician withdraw services to a child?  She did it to herself.  I couldn't predict what would happen but I knew that eventually she might do something that would impact how the court saw her.

One comment, I noticed you mentioned the job she does best is bartender.  Be careful not to give a critical impression to court about that.  She is an adult and can choose her own lifestyle and work environment.  Court will just be content that she works and it's not illegal.  If that's what she wants to do, so be it.  Remember, court won't pay much attention to her adult behaviors, it's parenting behaviors that count.  "Parenting behaviors" does include whether she trying to block or unreasonably obstruct your parenting.

However, even some things I was sure would vindicate me were essentially ignored.  I recall when a couple months after I filed for divorce I finally had the temp order hearing.  The magistrate confirmed from her that she had not allowed me any in-person contact with my son for 3 entire months.  Was he aghast, shocked or determined to teach her not to ever do it again?  No, all he said was a mild "I'll fix that."  He had previously issued a parenting schedule when we had TPOs against each other, it had since ended.  That was when she decided to keep 'possession' of our preschooler and so I had been forced to file for divorce.  The magistrate merely made a new temp order similar to the prior one, that was all he did.  I didn't get make up parenting time.  She wasn't even lectured.  I couldn't believe there were no consequences.  The court decided a new temp order was all the consequences needed.  I just had to accept that and move on to the next steps.

What I'm saying is that this isn't the first time the court has faced cases like yours.  They won't overreact and you shouldn't either.  Accept that they may never lecture her, or give you make up time with your children, or whatever.  That is a perspective hard to adjust to but it may be one you'll have to learn.

Thanks everyone.  So let me add some more fuel to all of this.

So yesterday, she decides to swing by my office to drop my son off, which is preferred since I have several people working with me in my office.

So as I am taking my son out of his car seat, she opens the door to discussion about the previous week Court Date.  She mentioned that she thought we had an agreement based on custody and that I changed my mind.  I corrected her and stated, my side, we waited to hear from you, we did not, once court came into play, your lawyer basically hit us with the following: I pay her legal fee, I pay her maintenance, We can alternate claiming the child with taxes, She has final say in the child. 

I showed her my lawyer document as well as her side.  She was NOT EVEN aware the lawyer made the offer about the tax credit.  I went further to explain her lawyer has a very bad reputation as well as being very disorganized.  She admitted that her lawyer is very disorganized.  Her lawyer is trying to earn the entire retainer, this is clear as day! 

So I basically put it out there, I want this over.  You and I can settle this now.  She feels my son has a routine, so it is best I take him Saturday until Sunday.  But I insisted it would benefit him better to wake with me two days a week, vs just one.  She is hesitant on this.  I went further to explain, I know your Saturday Mornings are difficult to tend to him as well to get ready for your job, so the benefit would be all parties, MAINLY our son who would have my attention completely.  I also stated I will never give her final say in all things.  That is not even on the table for discussion.  Her thought is that she is his mommy and someone should have final say, I countered and stated NO, we are both the parent, his life is decided with both of our input, not just yours.  I agree to let her get the tax credit as long as she invests some of it into a 529 for his future.  She is so MONEY hungry, once she learned this, it was SOLELY her focus that she would never agree to alternating his credit for taxes.  I explained since you are currently a 1099 employee, it may benefit us to allow me to claim him, and thus I may be able to get us back more for him.  But she is adamantly against this.

SO I left it alone, I advised her to contact her lawyer, get on the same page at this woman, cause she had nothing from her lawyer.  Now is this truthful, I am not 100% but I have a good sense it was cause she was caught off guard.  I also shared with her my Co-Parenting Book so she can read and understand how the divorce affects a toddler.  He does not cry when leaving her, but he cries when I drop him off with her, it breaks my heart.

So I am going to email my lawyer today, and state I am willing to accept Custody as the following: Saturday Thru Sunday for now, and that Wednesday Dinner visits with the idea our relationship will become more fluid with respect to our shared time with our child.  AS long as she removes her other BS aspects:  The Order of Protection, the Fact I pay her legal fee, maintenance and in return she can claim the child each and every year.

We shall see.

 
I would caution you against having these discussions without lawyers and WITH your son being present.

These are adult discussions.

Perhaps: "That's important to me as well.  Send me your thoughts via email, let's come together now and focus on our son" 

Then... stop discussing it.

Email will help you slow down and ignore sideshows (like lawyer being disorganized) and focus on what matters to YOU and YOUR CHILD.

for instance... let your wife select her lawyers... .you aren't involved at all... .

   

FF

Well it is over!  Nobody wins in divorce and honestly this is bittersweet for me, since I do care about this woman, but in the end, my sanity and health far outweigh the weight of this type of relationship!  She needs help, and sadly at age 38 she feels she does not.  She feels Jesus Christ all she needs, but I have argued till I was blue, he is a tool not a means of fixing.  Nobody with the abuse she endured can walk this earth and be ok.  She is very beautiful, so she will go back to what she does best: Manipulation.  Shockingly, this past Saturday when I went to pick up my son, she was driving a Cadillac.  Now, the guy she was renting a room from, when we met, owns a small dealership which he sells autos.  So she didn't take long to look him up again.  But she is no longer my deal.  I have to do what is best for my son.

So for those who are entering court, stay the course, fight thru the emotions, fight thru the anger, the angst, the unknown, there is hope.

She went for the following:

To pay her legal fees: Judge rejected it.
To pay maintenance: Judge rejected it.
Sole Custody: Judge rejected it.
Final decision making with our son: Judge rejected it.
Another drug evaluation with her as collateral: Judge rejected it.
Child Tax Credit just her: Judge rejected it, we alternate.
I do have to pay for half of my paycheck I cleared a few days after she filed the Order of Protection.

My lawyer went to her lawyer and advised, you do not want this to go to trial.  Your client has a history, you do not want to come out.  Her lawyer tried to say nothing wrong with my ex wife, but my lawyer interrupted her and advised, trust me, there is stuff that you are not aware of.

See my lawyer thinks my wife did more than just manipulate men.  She went so far to accuse her of horrible things, I told my lawyer, I hope and pray she did not do them things, but in all honesty I have no idea, plus I tend to try and think positive and healthy.  Plus I do not want to taint the mental image of this woman any more than I have.

I also have to be mindful, my ex went so far to lie, and get an order based on false info.  My lawyer said background checks were ran, also they checked the date bases for crimes and other orders of protection, all of this likely played in the judges ruling.

I will maintain the same schedule for our son, but once I have my own residence it will be up to us parents to handle visits, etc.

I feel a sense of relief, but it was not easy getting here.

I'm glad you seem satisfied with the outcome of this round of court proceedings.

What does your lawyer see as the next steps?  The schedule?

FF

Schedule is in place, with the hope mom and dad can sort it out ourselves.  Like I mentioned to her, if she is tired, not feeling well, in the near future he can stay over with me on Sunday nights and she can pick our son up at my office on Mondays.

Yeah, I feel it was a fair deal towards me, honestly, I feel it was much better than I had anticipated.  I am sure she is very angry.  But that is her way.

So today I am kind of nervous how she will be with the exchange of our son.

I have asked a few text messages about bills to be moved into her name and have not received a response.  I also could tell in court, she was upset with the outcome.  But had she simply sought counseling or went thru with the counseling she was involved in, our life would be shared.  But honestly, being married to someone like that, this BPD, it is a very draining and life altering experience.  Sad.

I was asking about next steps with L and schedule with court and L.

Such as, trial schedule in a month.

I don't believe what just happened was "final"... was it?

FF

There is no more court dates.  The Divorce documents are being drawn up by my lawyer, I will sign and things are final.  As for the schedule of the child, it will remain in place.  Mainly due the fact I have had to stay at my parents, I did not want to offset them too much, but in the near future, when I have my own place.  Likely I will get my son on Friday nights heading into Sunday Night, maybe Monday Mornings.  Time will tell.

But yes, it is final. 

Be aware that she can make new allegations at any future time she gets triggered.  And the agencies will let her do it.  (I think it is a variation on the whistleblower principle, future allegations can't be blocked in case they might have a little truth in there somewhere.)

You may think this is Over.  Maybe it is, maybe it isn't.  Time will tell.  However, with her history of being litigious... .

Will you have to go back to court when you want the schedule modified for a schedule more favorable to you?  If I recall correctly you get every weekend now?  Be aware you may want the schedule tweaked when your child gets to school age.  Who decides where he attends school?  Will it be your school district, hers or not determined yet?

We make the decisions together; school, medical, main issues dealing with our son.  If we can not come to an agreement, then it is left up to an expert.  At this stage, no.  We should work out our own schedule when he starts school.  When he does, we may end up back in court if we can not come to a compromise!

Im not combative, so if her wealthy grandparents want to put him in a private school, fine by me.  But one thing I have fought is a 3 year old Pre School.  I rather he wait until 4 years old, let us the parents and family be involved in his daily life.  No reason to rush school.  He can accomplish the same fun activities at the YMCA as their class. 

I think she realizes, I am not a bad man, she did not win in court!  So why pursue, but I also know, I must be mindful of what she has done, what she tried and what she is capable of. 

I also pray, she can see some sense in all of this and eventually seek help.  As my lawyer pointed out to me, I have no idea how far in her past she took this manipulation of men.  I tend to stay positive, so not to think negative or dark.  I want to keep my opinion slightly positive, for the benefit she is our sons mom.

Part of me is sad, but I also have to guard my compassion.  It is what it is.  Now I must build my life again.

 
I would advise against any thinking of "she may have seen the light... ." etc etc.

Focus your thinking on boundaries and "enforceability".  Be aware she will likely be reasonable for a while, as she sorts out he recent "loss".

Given time she may twist it up and "blame" you... .with associated accusations.

Be ready... .be vigilant.

FF

It already happening.  I went to school to teach and I am a firm believer to allow a toddler to be a toddler, let school set in at age 4.  Not age 3.  So my EX would like to put our son in the YMCA Pre-Pre School Setting, which I am against.  I say, let him be a kid, play and teach more of our values and morals vs others.  Join groups at the Library or playgrounds or continue to use the YMCA kid play room set up, vs a 3 hour structured learning environment.  She then comes back at me calling me pathetic, cheap and saying I do not want to pay the $100 per month fee.

So I explain why, summarizing what I wrote above with brief details from a friend who has taught 15 years.

She then demands I take him and her shopping at an outlet mall.  She tells me his shoes are tight.  Mind you, I am at my parents house, I gave her ALL household items, so when I move into my own home, I am literally doing that empty handed.  Plus, I would like to get my son his own set up at my place, clothes, etc.  Shouldn't her child support she receives being used for that.

She is a very angry person.  She didn't say one word to me yesterday dropping off my son, picking him up, she had all these rules, put him in sweat pants, don't let him play outside, make sure he is wearing the hoodie, etc.   Make sure you feed him.  Lord help me, this woman will be a thorn in my side for many years.

I basically ignore her threats, insults, and simply tell her what the deal is, and good day.  I do not get into the whole, insult back and forth thing.  She tried to destroy me and take my son away and the court saw thru it.  Now I must learn how to handle the situation so she can control her emotional outbursts.

I would advise you to be a bit pragmatic about preschool.

Would him being in  preschool result in more or less time "under the influence" of a pwBPD?

Personal experience here.

Never in a million years would of I thought I would put my kids in preschool, when my wife is early childhood education degreed person.

Yet... D4 has been going for two years.  I don't tell me my the "real" reason I push for it... .but this child is better there... .than in the other situations we could offer now.

I say all this because I agree "in theory" with your statements about early childhood education.  Yet... .theory and pwBPD meet in odd ways... .

Again... .pragmatism is key.

FF

Thank you, I guess what appears to be logical to me, I must toss aside and think differently.  That will take some training.  It just odd, she tells me 1hr ago he needs shoes, then starts calling me all these names.  Mind you, she been getting child support at a higher amount than expected.  Her anger is baffling to me.

I have to read up on how to deal with this type of person, post divorce.

 
BIFF

www.highconflictinstitute.com/biff-responses/78-hci-articles/published-articles/87-responding-to-hostile-email

My ex stated she was going to home school.  I knew that was fraught with risks and dangers, I didn't want my child isolated from people in general and children especially.  (Our separation and divorce was awash in her "Me and My Child Against the World" perceptions.)  I feel most courts would probably see daycare and preschool as good ways for the children to socialize with other children their age.  Compared to the controlling, demanding and isolationist tendencies of many pwBPd (people with BPD), it is understandable that many here see some time spent with other kids as overall better than more time with pwBPD.

One danger to avoid is getting a blanket court order where you are told to pay for the ex's choices such as schooling.  Several years ago there was a member here who signed a parenting settlement where the father was to pay school expenses and mother made the decisions.  Sounds typical, right?  Father was figuring it would just be minimal and affordable annual public school fees.  Well, almost immediately mother enrolled their son into a private school and father was presented with a huge tuition bill.  Father said No, he stays in public school.  It went back to court and the court said what mother had done was legal and father had to pay the high tuition bills, despite being a hardship for him.

Similar reports about college expenses are reported here too, when our members are required to pay for those educational costs.  Of course the disordered parent is prone to make sure the children apply to private, expensive ivy league schools with inflated tuition.  One solution is to make sure any settlements include language that the parent's responsibility be capped at the equivalent amount needed for an inexpensive local college or university.

Do you see that we need to think ahead, sometimes years ahead, to avoid unexpected but predictable surprises?

It's probably baffling to her, too.

The judge in our case squashed that attempt by my EX.  The judge ruled any monies towards college would be done so on each person's own. Meaning, I save when I can, she save when she can towards his college education.  The arrangement now is this: Any school or medical or major decision with our son, we have to discuss and come to an agreement.  If we can not, the court stated that an expert would have to be used to issue a final say.

So she can not just decide to put him where she wants and stick me with the bill.  She must seek my input as well. The judge cut off her lawyer as she was attempting to argue for me to pay this, that and everything.  I have a meeting with my lawyer coming up, she is drawing up the divorce docs for me to sign.  SO I will ask questions, cause to me, there was not a whole lot of back and forth in court.  Now I do know background checks and law enforcement checks were done on both of us, so maybe stuff in there came out and helped him in his decision. 

My lawyer warned me, she will be coming out very angry soon towards me, she guessed within 72 hours.  She has dealt with BPD cases several times in her career and stated they are the worst people, in divorces.  So a matter of fact, my wife mentioned yesterday via text that I did not contribute anything towards my sons school or bought him a new pair of sneakers.  What is odd, she can introduce this claim to me, like he started school yesterday and in the next message begin to insult me that I did not contribute or buy him new sneakers.  Even though I KNEW nothing about his enrollment at the YMCA.  So strange! 

Sorry livednlearned, I do not think she has the emotional intelligence to comprehend that she even has anger or it registers that she has anger.  My last message to her was to leave me be, stop insulting me, stop saying this and that. 

I have to learn the BIFF method and stick to it.  It hard due to the way she attempts to drag me into her world with her insults.  But I am strong and I can stand in her storm!