BPDFamily.com

I received some texts from my soon to be ex. I'm not worried about the content of what she's referring to because I've consulted my L about it. My goal here is to see what the community thinks about whether to respond at all and if I should, what to say. I've already explained once about the tax return and what was agreed between us. I've hidden the one name mentioned. She's referring to the person who owns the house that she chose to live in when she left 2 with the kids. It belongs to her ex-stepfather (her mother's third husband).

Here are the texts from her:

"Why is it that you won't answer me about the tax refund?  What do you suppose the right thing to do is? After all the debt was paid with the 401k money, you shouldn't be having such a hard as I hear you are."

"I am entitled to half. You were deceiving as to how much you received. What is the right thing to do?"

"You should also be aware that xxxxx is putting the house on the market to sell come the first of the year.
Sure I'll have some kind of work in the mean time but certainly not enough to afford our own place. You'll have to come up with something. Maybe move into your moms house."

"I also know that legally still being married to you, I am entitled to know where the 401k monies went. If it wasn't used for the agreed purpose, it could cause you some grief. As well as the tax refund. I don't want to but your not doing right."

"Make it right."

The 401k money she is referring to was a loan that was agreed upon in writing where we both received money to pay bills, etc. I've never missed a payment to her and never hid a penny from her (income and marital assets). Any and all feedback is appreciated.

It was time for me to get a (new) used car.  We were still married, the implosions was still a few months away.  We both went to see and get the car on the weekend.  She didn't want to leave our car to deal with the paperwork.  But she knew we didn't have enough money and would have to borrow.  So I applied for a loan from my 401(k).  All she had to do was sign the spousal consent paper.  One signature.  She flat out refused.

No real reason, just contrary because she'd been peeved at me wanting her to join me in marital counseling, my parenting, etc.  Well, our son had recently turned 3yo and she'd always said that was the age her abuser stepfather got together with her mother.  I figure that's when she started intensely reliving her child hood fears through our son's life.

So I had to go get a loan at the last minute from our mortgage bank at a higher rate with interest paid to the bank and not back into the 401(k).  The car dealer was upset with her, I was peeved at her.  I had to open a checking account so I decided it was time to deposit my paychecks there.  Oh did she howl when she found out but I held firm.

The sabotage didn't make sense, it didn't just impede ME, it hurt US, but that didn't matter to her.  By that summer she had long since stopped reasoning or listening to reasoning from me.

You know her blaming and blame shifting doesn't make sense.  But explaining things over and over won't make a difference to someone who isn't really listening.

I'm guessing she won't or doesn't realize that when $$$ are withdrawn from a traditional retirement account, some of the money has to be held back to pay the taxes.  Or you would get back less of a refund to offset the tax due.

If you've explained the answer before, it's pointless to rehash it over and over.  As has been noted here, negative engagement is not productive.  Likely she desires to continue the complaining just to complain or engage in disputes with you.

If you've discussed this before, no need to keep fanning the flames.  As a general policy you only have to respond if there's new information to consider or some matter dealing with parenting (if there are minor children).  If it has been discussed in a prior written communication then you may decide to reference that prior communication's content that she should review.

Is the explanation part of discovery made for the divorce? If so, direct her to her lawyer to clarify matters. All of what she is saying and asking is a plot to get you to give her more money.

ForeverDad - Thank you for the input. The only "new" part of her texts that we haven't already discussed is her not having a place to stay. The tax return and the 401k loan have already been discussed or at least I responded once to each. My parents recently purchased a house but have not sold their old house and aren't in a need to right away. Ex is either referring to me moving into their house and she move into mine or she wants me to ask my parents to allow her, her mother and our children to move into my parent's house. I think I'll simply tell her that she is welcome to ask my parents about renting their house as it is their decision whether to let her or not and if yes, how much.
It's an interesting perspective about your ex reliving her past through one of your children. We have a bunch of kids and all but one are girls. It's a possibility that one or more are at the age that she was when experiencing childhood trauma. I do know that our D13 is the same age that her mother and stepfather married. The same one that is telling them that they have to move out.

Gagrl - The rest of the story regarding the divorce is as follows: She filed in October 2015 in the state in which we had lived in for 3.5 years even though she had moved back to our home state three months prior to filing. I eventually moved back to our home state a few months after filing to be near my children. We both ended up dropping the case in GA earlier this year. I suggested trying to work out details of settlement as much as possible before filing in our home state to save $$ on lawyers. This didn't work but I tried offering anyway. I met with a L two weeks ago to discuss filing in this state and shared the details above along with others. I paid the retainer last week and will meet again later this week to put final touches before actual filing. Ex does not know that I'm filing now. You are right in your statement but we're not actually in an active divorce case at this time and weren't at the time of the tax return and 401k loan being done.

How about this:

Her:
You:


Then send the papers  :)

But realistically... .this sounds like a person who is scared she's losing control and instead of being assertive and direct to get her needs met, she is using fear and obligation and guilt (and bullying) to bait you into rescue-save-fix mode.


It takes a while to clear your head during a divorce and recognize these moves when they're happening. And then a bit more time to settle into a pattern of responding that is healthy for you. It sounds like you are off to a good start, checking in with your lawyer and getting feedback from friends here before responding.  |iiii

If there are no legal advantages to responding, might be wise to let these texts go.

Unless you are concerned it will tip your hand and you want to file first? Meaning, by not responding it makes her suspicious.

My ex was a lawyer and would say all kinds of things to scare me. All of it was nonsense.

I wasted a lot of time fretting about that nonsense.

(Also, probably not a good idea to make it easier for her to stay in your parent's house... .)

Frankly I'd just ignore the whole thing. Its just a way of dragging you back into a quagmire of discussion. Ignore ignore ignore.