BPDFamily.com

Almost one month ago (after a huge fight ending with me having a panic attack) I decided to finally write down my situation here and get some idea. Like I explained in that post I have anxiety disorder and depression, almost one year ago I witnessed my sibling's suicide and that changed me as a person, mentally.

I cut my ties with my very close friend with BPD. We both agreed because of her and my situation. I can't help her with my own problems, believe me I tried so hard. And told her that she is not helping me either. At the end we agreed and said our goodbyes.

Just because I know her personality and I know how she will change her mind I went NC, not even a day after she texted me saying she was going to change, she said that we won't have fights again etc.

I do want to end this because its killing me inside and I am no good for her. I'm not planning to text back. Am I doing the right thing? It feels right but I feel guilty because I'm causing her pain? Do you guys think she will be over it? What should I do?

Thank you, I'm still trying figure out how this place works please excuse me if I don't/can't answer!

Hi MelanieMe,

I have depression and an anxiety disorder too, I can completely relate with panic attacks, they're not fun and depression is tough.


What do you mean by that? That you're no good for her?

Mutt, thank you for answering me!

 
I mean, I would love to stay and help her get through it or be there for her. But sometimes I feel like I don't have any feeling inside me and for example when she wanted to be loved I couldn't give it to her because I felt that way (even though I love her so much). It was about me, sometimes my brain stops working and if it happens when she has her crisis everything is f--ked up afterwards. Me being like that affected her in a bad way.

I don't know if Im blaming myself for this but other times (when I'm fully myself -with feelings and such-) even though it was hard for me, I kinda handled it. I gave her what she wanted to ask.


Also Update/

I had to reply to her texts because she started to disturb my sister and created an Instagram account to reach me and her.
She tells me that she can't do it with out me, I'm the only one she has. Also she says that she is in hospital (with her family) and if we don't talk she won't be okay. So she want another chance.
Also she kinda mentioned she started to get some help, like a therapy.

I feel very bad.
But also feel so good because I feel free.
My anxiety is driving me crazy with hundreds of theories that might happen if I don't do anything to help her but I just try to hold myself. When I calm my thoughts I feel very relieved.
Ugh I don't know what to do.

A pwBPD need someone that's caretaker someone that fixes things for them, I think that what you might trying to say is that you probably didn't feel anything inside of you because you couldn't, you were emotionally exausted from all of the crises . As caretakers we tend to overlook our feelings and needs and we worry about what other people feel and tend to their needs at our expense. My point is that we over extend ourselves and may feel drained physically and emotionally. What do you think?


I talked about self care, self care is really important to manage anxiety. I work out 6 days a week to manage and stay ahead of depression and anxiety, you don't have to work out 6 days a week. What do you for self care?

Hi MelanieMe,

I'm so sorry to hear about the suicide.  This is undoubtedly a life changing experience and deeply traumatic for you.  I really feel for you.  Did you know your friend before this happened?  How long have you been friends for?

It's very unfair of her to put so much pressure on you to take care of her needs after what you have been through and are suffering as a result.  I'm glad that you are presently feeling some relief from giving yourself space away from that.  You know best about what sort of demands she makes and how frequently.  Does the behaviour at the moment regards hospital and not being OK without you fit the usual routine?  If so, let yourself off the hook as you've seen this play out before and know how it ends.  Perhaps breaking the cycle with her will actually motivate her to seek solutions to her own issues for herself.  Let's hope that genuinely does include some therapy, as this will not only benefit her but all those that care about her also. 

Mutt asks some good questions, so I'll look forward to seeing your further posts and can assure you that we will be here to support you in doing what is right for you.

Love and light x

Yes, that's what I exactly did. I care about people more than myself to be honest, I think it's my personality. In my entire life I avoided to say 'no' to people because of their feelings.


I care so much about self care, I care about my health and I can say that I am very spiritual. I started to do the things that I had to left when we were still talking. I do yoga every single morning, I started to spend time with the people around me. But one thing that is very helpful for me is yoga and I'm so glad that I'm back at it again.



Hi, thank you for answering!

Yes she was there when it happened, it happened almost a year ago. We've been friends for 2 years. But such a FULL 2 year. We talked every single day not lying, every single day for 2 years. We had a really close friendship. If you look at our conversations, you would think that we were in a relationship. I truly don't know if she liked me because we were always joking about relationships AND I tend to joke about romantic things because I'm aromantic, I don't feel any romantic feelings towards any person. But I don't know what she felt.


Yes it is something that she would do and say.

I really hope so, she was always so negative about getting better but maybe this will help her seek help.