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I'm having a bad day. I'm grieving. I hate this man and yet I miss him. I thought, since I met him in my 50s, I'd die with him. Now I feel like I'm facing the last third of my life alone, and I hate it.

I'm not like he is. I can't set up sites on Ashley Madison and ask some stranger to have sex with me. I want someone who loves me. I want to love that person back. I want to go the grocery store and pick up their favorite food. I want to ask them how their day went. I want to tell them how my day went. I want to tell funny stories about the people in line.

I want a partner. I want someone to travel with. For 10 years, I asked my H to go places with me. I asked him to go to the movies, to dinner, to take a train trip, and now he's on Ashley Madison looking for a woman to travel with. What the heck?

And why am I letting a man like that hurt me? Why am I grieving such an a***ole?

Hi toomanydogs,

A lot of recognition here, in brief, I had a relationship with s.o. with BPD traits for 1,5 yrs, and in NC now since 5 months, and still recovering. I have also been following him online, and found he replaced me quickly. He couldn't travel because of his anxiety disorder, but recently I saw a picture of him on holiday with the new replacement, although it wasn't very far from home, it is tough to swallow knowing he didn't make any efforts to go on holiday with me. However, I know this new woman won't be a cure to all of his problems, I am sure this is what he is thinking right now, I got to know him really well, and in those first honeymoon months, he will be still displaying accommodating, selfless and generous behavior. Just because he is totally convinced this woman will save him. I know what will happen next, no matter who the person of interest is, he had many girlfriends before me and there will be more after.

All in all, keep faith in yourself, people don't change like that, he is just on his best behavior right now, and the cycle will repeat itself, no matter who he will meet next.

Why are you on ashley madison? lmao.

I know it is not funny and I know the hurt and I am sorry for everything you are going through.

Following the ex online is not good. I think you know that. It keeps you attached to them.

Having had the same feelings that you are both going through, I get it. Some days I want to know.
But why? To what end? Do we want to see them succeed or fail?

The real question is, why do we care? What they have done, cannot be undone. What they have done to you. Nobody deserves that. Nobody!

She does not deserve a second of my thoughts.

I have had the same fears, thinking I will never be happy again. Thinking that was my one shot at happiness for the rest of my life.
But I realized something.
I did not deserve to be treated that way. I am actually a very awesome person. They did not deserve me.

Now I look at that fateful day when it all came crashing down as the best day of my life. If I saw her again I would thank her for leaving me.
Of course I still have anger and resentment for what she did. But in the end, she set me free. I am happy and I know exactly what I don't want out of life and I know exactly what I will not tolerate anymore.
She did me a favor.

After I posted that, a process server was at my house attempting to serve me papers from H initiating a divorce.
I don't have an attorney, so I will wait to get the papers until I do have someone representing me.
I believe that I will be better off without him because I have been taking care of him for 10 years. I thought I was "special" and what he'd done to others he wouldn't do to me.
I was wrong.
I was really wrong.
I am now left with grief and hope that we can just move this forward quickly.

TMD

Hi TMD,

Grief is a very individual thing.   I don't think any two people grieve the same way, or for the same amount of time.    Grief is unique.

Grief takes what it takes.    I think that these relationships we find ourselves in, have an additional aspect of grief.   In that we are often grieving a relationship that wasn't healthy for us.  I've heard people say that they are grieving the relationship they hoped to have, or thought they were having.

This can be complicated or complex grief.

I know you were expecting the divorce papers.   You knew this was coming.   Still, it's been my experience that even knowing something was coming doesn't mitigate the feelings when it arrives.   

are you taking steps to protect yourself financially? legally?   divorce from disordered people usually entails a lot of conflict.

'ducks

Hi Ducks,
What I've told people here is that I'm grieving what I thought I had, and I knew that I was primarily a caregiver, but I thought I had a good understanding of the relationship. Turns out I was wrong.  I still think, in the long run, I will be better off without him; however, I'm still grieving.
Go figure.
Yeah. It really didn't mitigate the impact at all. :/

Because of the divorce proceedings 9 years ago, I'm really gun shy regarding attorneys so I don't have one yet.
I'm looking for someone who will keep the drama down. I found one online who used the be a counselor and has certification in alternative resolution.I will call her on Monday. She may or may not be a good fit. I'll know once I talk with her.
Regarding taking steps to protect myself financially: Technically, I'm protected by a prenup. Nine years ago, his family, who are trustees of the trust H and I live on, fought me the entire way. It was an unmitigated disaster.
I am hoping, and slightly hopeful, that no one from his family will fight me. I am not wanting drama. Not at all.
However, if it devolves into chaos, if H is wanting court to be the opportunity where he can lie about me, I do have copies of what I consider threatening emails. I have the video he shot and so on, so I'd be able to fight back.
A fight is not what I want. I want to move on.
And thank you for the reply to my other post. I did stretch out, it does help the breathing.
PTSD isn't a whole lot of fun.
Thank you, Ducks!
TMD