BPDFamily.com

Hi, not sure what to say here.  My husband was recently diagnosed with BPD.  We started dating when I was 18 and have been married over 20 years.  We have 4 beautiful children.  He's gone through many years of therapy and been diagnosed with OCD, panic disorders, anxiety and depression.  I'm finally realizing over the last year that he is extremely verbally and emotionally abusive to me, which i somehow have thought is my fault over the years.  I'm finally starting to realize it's not, but still have a lot of troubles blaming myself and taking responsibility for everything.  I feel like I'm waking up and am having a real issue with realizing that I'm maybe not that bad of a person.  I have a good job and have paid all of our bills for at least 15 years.  He hates my job and always wants me to quit it.  He says if I love him I would quit my job, but he has no income to support our family.  I've supported him in paying for numerous graduate degrees that he has wanted to pursue.  He quits them all as soon as he is successful.  He is very smart and is always the best at anything he tries, but seems to hate achieving his goals somehow.  He's threatened to kill himself multiple times.  Recently he started hitting himself violently whenever I disagree with him.  He started doing it in front of our children.  Now our oldest is afraid his dad is going to kill himself whenever he doesn't see him for a few hours.   I reassure him that he will not and that he is going to great doctors to help him and that his dad loves him very much.  Last week my husband started DBT and the kids and I are all in therapy now too.  Right after starting DBT, he stated that he had evidence that I was cheating on him (not true--never even kissed another man once we started dating over 20 years ago), and when I said no, he was begging me to say that I had been because that would make everything make sense.  I'm just completely exhausted and trying to figure out the right path forward to minimize negative impact on my children who adore their father.  He is both the best father/husband and then very extremely not.  The swings are really hard to deal with.

Often what those with BPD will do is project their own shortcomings on to those closest to them. Have you considered that he might be cheating on you? From what I have read online(no personal experience here) is that when someone with or without BPD accuses a partner of cheating they are guilty themselves. I have read that when people with BPD cheat, they do it because they feel like they will be cheated on sooner or later, because they feel they are not worthy of true love. Educating your children on BPD now might help them further down the road with their own mental understanding of their father. I hope things are improving with the DBT sessions?

~CottonClouds

Interesting and that's really sad.  I haven't seen signs of him cheating and he isn't the best at hiding anything, so I feel like I would be aware.  That being said, I'm also realizing that my internal barometer is obviously off.  And it may be that he really wants and is tempted to cheat and so is accusing me of doing so. 

As to DT, I have seen more progress over the few weeks he has been going then I have seen in his years and years of other types of therapy, which is hopeful, but still a long path forward.  I think it's overwhelming for him (and all of us) right now.  He has recently told his family of his diagnosis which I think is a huge step, especially given how private he is. 

He is vacillating between blaming himself for everything and then 20 minutes later blaming me for everything including "giving him BPD". 

I do have the kiddos in therapy now too to try to help them understand what is going on more. 

Hi takingabreath,

*welcome* I'm sorry that you are going through so much with your H. Many of us know the frustrations and fears that come with living with a pwBPD. I'm so glad to hear that he is in therapy. One common theme I've heard is that once a pwBPD starts DBT that for a brief period things start to get a little worse, but then things begin to get better. If BPD is a new diagnosis for him, he may be having a lot of difficulty accepting that he has a mental illness. This may be causing him to feel a lot of shame and embarassment. It's easier to blame you for giving him BPD than to admit that something is wrong with him.

I'm also glad to hear that you are in counseling for yourself. This will really help you build up your self esteem that has been deteriorated by years of verbal abuse.

As for the accusations of cheating, how have you responded to it? Many of us tend to begin saying things like, "I love you. I would never do that." And no matter what we say, nothing can convince them otherwise. We have a workshop on  How To Handle a Jealous Partner  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=78324.0) This might help you come up with some new ideas on how to respond to your H's accusations. Accusations of cheating do not mean that your H has cheated. He may be feeling inadequate in some way and believes that because of his inadequacy that you wouldn't want to be with him and would prefer to be with someone else instead.

We have a lot of other great workshops on the right side of the page that can help you begin to communicate better with your H. Just changing the way you respond to him can change hte way he responds to you.

Will you share your thoughts on the Jealous Partner link or any of the other workshops you may have had time to look at that you think could help you?

Hi takingabreath, let me join Tattered Heart in welcoming you!  I met my wife when we were teenagers as well, and we've been together over 20 years, so I understand where you're coming from on that.  It can be hard to figure out what's real when BPD is in the mix and you've been each other's main points of reference for so long.  I can understand how you might not be sure if you're a good person, and how much the verbal and emotional abuse can hurt.

You are a good person.  Four wonderful kids don't just happen.  You've given everything you've had to make that happen, both your hard work and your gifts as a person, while also supporting the family.  Let yourself feel good about that.  You are a hero!

That is also fantastic that your husband and your kids are in therapy.  That can be a hard goal to achieve, so I'm happy you have that going for you!

I agree with Tattered Heart.  Trust your gut on what you think he might or might not do.  Him accusing you of cheating likely just reflects his fear that you'll abandon him.  If you've made it this far, you've undoubtedly learned that pwBPD say things that might not make sense in our logical world, but are related to how they are feeling, and we have to catch ourselves and try not to overreact or take them too personally.

This is a good place.  I'd encourage you to become a regular.  Bring us issues you'd like to work on, or questions you have.  As a 20 year veteran with four children, you have a wealth of experience that can immediately be helpful to others, so read others' threads and post on them, especially if you see something that strikes a chord with you based on your wealth of experience.

We are glad you've come to this community!

Wentworth

I was also considering that as a possibility, that he feels the urge to cheat. Those with BPD can often feel guilty for thinking something and not actually doing it. If you find out he does have an urge to cheat, it is out of his own insecurity and desire for validation, and it has nothing to do with his relationship with you.   

I think your kids being in therapy is a great start. I am happy the DBT is helping more than previous therapy. 

Thank you all for your kind words.  Made me start crying.  For some reason whenever anyone says something nice to me I burst into tears.  I don't really cry otherwise.  Probably not a great sign that kindness makes me cry and attacks make me unfeeling and distant. 

Starting therapy myself now has definitely made me aware of why some of that is.  I was raised by a narcissistic father and co-dependent mother and I have always felt mainly responsible for raising and my little brothers and sisters alive.  Soo, I clearly have my own issues to work through as well. 

Right now my biggest worries are on minimizing negative impacts on our children.  I feel like therapy is a good first step, but I also feel like I need help in setting appropriate boundaries for my husband re his behavior towards the kids. 

What do you all do when you feel like your BPD spouse is being too hostile/reactive towards the children?  I've recently noticed a significant increase in my husband's BPD behavior towards our oldest son (he's 13) which is a large reason for me initiating and pushing my BPD husband towards serious therapy.  If there is a certain workshop or thread that helps on that vein, I'd love to be pointed in that direction. 

Thank you all and really appreciate your taking the time to write.  I feel like I'm waking up (slowly) which is traumatic but also empowering.

We have the co-parenting board where you might be able to find some information on children in a BPD home. Most of the posts may not completely apply to your situation as I believe it has to do with co-parenting after a divorce. At the same time, the parents on that board are trying to learn ways to help their children learn how to interact with their BPD parent.

Another option might be to use our workshops and try to translate it into something your kids can use.

Not a bad sign at all.  It totally makes sense, and I believe a lot of us have had that reaction.  Happened to me just the other day.  You spend so much time with your "game face" on, especially when raising kids, just a little bit of kindness can open the floodgates.  Let it happen.

Employing boundaries is a skill you can learn, practice, and get good at.  Start with this link:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

Randi Krieger's "The Essential Family Guide" covers boundaries, and you can read more here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=94125.20

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368

Two very important things about boundaries -- the consequence of a boundary is something *you* do.  So you control it.  Something like leaving the room if someone is using foul language.  You are not attempting to impose your will on them.  And the consequence should be naturally related to the transgression -- like when sand gets in your eye, and the eye blinks to get rid of the sand (you don't scratch your back when you get sand in your eye).

How about taking a look at that first link and coming up with a first boundary to identify and enforce.  Let us know what it is, what the corresponding value and consequence are?  You might get some good advice here, then can let us know how it goes.

This is a toughie!  We may have a value that as "good parents," both of us should "speak with one voice" towards our children.  Our BPD spouse may even throw this at us when we try to intervene.  Talk about values with him.  See if you can agree on how to interact with the kids.  If you can get buy-in, you can ask him how you can help (perhaps with gentle reminders, or distractions when he is getting into it with one of the kids).  As therapy progresses, you may see an opening that you hadn't seen before.

Consensus is helpful with boundaries, but not required.  You do not need agreement or permission.  You may sometimes need to act independently.  Just make sure you are acting with a cool head (a "wise mind" and not emotionally.  It helps greatly if you're following a boundary plan you've laid out for yourself already.  Direct confrontation is usually not successful, but if you're the mother of four kids, you already know this!  If your husband is being too harsh with your son, you might ask your son to come help you with something in the other room.  Or you might step in, ask your son to go to the other room and do something for you (or get that homework started, or whatever).  You may even have a talk with your son at some point to work through options with him.

I was concerned about something similar with my wife and D12, and in fact this was one of the things that drove me to take more drastic action to change things in my home.  As the opposite gender parent, I can supply love and affirmation my daughters need, but worried about the behavior they might learn from my wife, the same gender role model.  One of the things I did was to have a talk with D12 about her mom's behavior.  I didn't want to come across as judgemental of her mother or undermine my daughter's image of what a great mom she can in fact be.  Here's what I said -- "I know things at home have been pretty bumpy lately.  You may have watched the grownups and realized that some of the behaviors you see are good, and others don't work out so well.  Trust your instincts if something is happening that doesn't seem right.  Try not to take it personally.  When we grow up, we tend to do the same thing as our parents on some things, and the exact opposite on others.  I think you're going to make some good decisions -- watch Mom and Dad, and decide for yourself, in what ways you want to be just like us, and in what ways you might want to do the opposite."

I hope what I said will be helpful, but I can't rely on a 12 year old to get things right all the time, especially when the bad behaviors can be pervasive, so I'm trying to take an active role.

One of my favorite authors is John Gottman.  You might be interested in reading this book:
"Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child: The Heart of Parenting"

Yes, it is.  You are doing a great job.  I am in awe that you have gotten the entire family into therapy.  That is an amazing accomplishment, and reason for hope.  Well done!

Back to boundaries, can you tell us about a time with your son and husband that you wish had gone better?

Wentworth

Hi takingabreath, it's been a while, how are things going with you?

WW