Thank you all for your kind words. Made me start crying. For some reason whenever anyone says something nice to me I burst into tears. I don't really cry otherwise. Probably not a great sign that kindness makes me cry and attacks make me unfeeling and distant.
Not a bad sign at all. It totally makes sense, and I believe a lot of us have had that reaction. Happened to me just the other day. You spend so much time with your "game face" on, especially when raising kids, just a little bit of kindness can open the floodgates. Let it happen.
Right now my biggest worries are on minimizing negative impacts on our children. I feel like therapy is a good first step, but I also feel like I need help in setting appropriate boundaries for my husband re his behavior towards the kids.
Employing boundaries is a skill you can learn, practice, and get good at. Start with this link:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundariesRandi Krieger's "The Essential Family Guide" covers boundaries, and you can read more here:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=94125.20https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368Two very important things about boundaries -- the consequence of a boundary is something *you* do. So you control it. Something like leaving the room if someone is using foul language. You are not attempting to impose your will on them. And the consequence should be naturally related to the transgression -- like when sand gets in your eye, and the eye blinks to get rid of the sand (you don't scratch your back when you get sand in your eye).
How about taking a look at that first link and coming up with a first boundary to identify and enforce. Let us know what it is, what the corresponding value and consequence are? You might get some good advice here, then can let us know how it goes.
What do you all do when you feel like your BPD spouse is being too hostile/reactive towards the children? I've recently noticed a significant increase in my husband's BPD behavior towards our oldest son (he's 13) which is a large reason for me initiating and pushing my BPD husband towards serious therapy. If there is a certain workshop or thread that helps on that vein, I'd love to be pointed in that direction.
This is a toughie! We may have a value that as "good parents," both of us should "speak with one voice" towards our children. Our BPD spouse may even throw this at us when we try to intervene. Talk about values with him. See if you can agree on how to interact with the kids. If you can get buy-in, you can ask him how you can help (perhaps with gentle reminders, or distractions when he is getting into it with one of the kids). As therapy progresses, you may see an opening that you hadn't seen before.
Consensus is helpful with boundaries, but not required. You do not need agreement or permission. You may sometimes need to act independently. Just make sure you are acting with a cool head (a "wise mind" and not emotionally. It helps greatly if you're following a boundary plan you've laid out for yourself already. Direct confrontation is usually not successful, but if you're the mother of four kids, you already know this! If your husband is being too harsh with your son, you might ask your son to come help you with something in the other room. Or you might step in, ask your son to go to the other room and do something for you (or get that homework started, or whatever). You may even have a talk with your son at some point to work through options with him.
I was concerned about something similar with my wife and D12, and in fact this was one of the things that drove me to take more drastic action to change things in my home. As the opposite gender parent, I can supply love and affirmation my daughters need, but worried about the behavior they might learn from my wife, the same gender role model. One of the things I did was to have a talk with D12 about her mom's behavior. I didn't want to come across as judgemental of her mother or undermine my daughter's image of what a great mom she can in fact be. Here's what I said -- "I know things at home have been pretty bumpy lately. You may have watched the grownups and realized that some of the behaviors you see are good, and others don't work out so well. Trust your instincts if something is happening that doesn't seem right. Try not to take it personally. When we grow up, we tend to do the same thing as our parents on some things, and the exact opposite on others. I think you're going to make some good decisions -- watch Mom and Dad, and decide for yourself, in what ways you want to be just like us, and in what ways you might want to do the opposite."
I hope what I said will be helpful, but I can't rely on a 12 year old to get things right all the time, especially when the bad behaviors can be pervasive, so I'm trying to take an active role.
One of my favorite authors is John Gottman. You might be interested in reading this book:
"Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child: The Heart of Parenting"
I feel like I'm waking up (slowly) which is traumatic but also empowering.
Yes, it is. You are doing a great job. I am in awe that you have gotten the entire family into therapy. That is an amazing accomplishment, and reason for hope. Well done!
Back to boundaries, can you tell us about a time with your son and husband that you wish had gone better?
Wentworth