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I decided that I need to dedicated a thread to encouragement.  I'm fighting the inner voice telling me to recoil and return to the cycle of abuse my H is use too.  I decided to really make an effort to change my approach, reactions, responses, and emotional state of mind.  My H has been picking up on my change of pace and let's just say, has not been taking it well at all.

Now he thinks I'm showing my true colors.  When in fact, I haven't been doing response B when he does action A.

He's currently in a state of severe deregulation.  We aren't legally married.  He's throwing out saying that he's changed his mind and we aren't getting married.  Blames the complete fall of his motorcycle club on me.   Says he's been telling me for a long time that he's unhappy,  if I keep ignoring him like I have been than he will get to a point where he doesn't care anymore, saying how I'm using psycho therapy on him, my statements about not engaging, waiting till things calm down,  that's not how he does things, I think I can do whatever I want, how I'm going to end up abandoning them like his mother, I ignore our oldest.   I could keep going, but think get the picture.

I have another ongoing post that is really helping me.  "He's choosing not to participate in the relationship".   The replies I have been getting have greatly helped.  This is geared towards getting positive reinforcement.   The metaphor pushing that soda machine button harder and harder, expecting the same results is definitely taking place.  I'm actively breaking the cycles and it is definitely getting alot worse before it will hopefully get better.

Hey, Frankee, have you read about Extinction Bursts (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0)?

When we start to establish boundaries and change behaviors, the other person can get thrown off balance because of the unexpected behaviors. This can cause them to dysregulate and act out - much like you are describing. It is important to make sure that you don't give him intermittent support.

Take a look at the link and let us know if you think it fits your situation.

I have actually been hearing that a lot in response to my other posts I have been making.  It actually does sound a lot like what I am experiencing. 

This part "When our partner doesn’t get the expected response (reinforcement by us) it may scare or anger them and they may try harder to  engage us using threats, violence, destruction, intimidation, name calling, belittling, promises of withholding necessary things, retaliation, or any other painful thing they can think of to get us to engage.   This escalation is know as an extinction burst."  Is my current situation.  He had an episode yesterday that one for the books.  He tried each point in the rage.  I didn't engage.  I was calm, told him in a firm voice to stop accusing, blaming, and threatening me.  He screamed no a few times and I repeated a couple times.   

It is definitely getting worse.  Hopefully the "it will get better" will follow.

As you know, this is new behavior that he's seeing from you. He will try to push you to crack and revert back to your old ways and that will reward him.

Have you thought about developing some sort of plan for when he pushes you harder than you care to deal with and you're about to crack? Having a plan in place will make it far easier because you won't be scrambling trying to figure out what your next move is in the heat of the moment.

He has made comments about now I'm showing my true colors and he doesn't like this "new" me.  I took a first step yesterday I have never done was actually contacted the national abuse hotline.  I found their online chat and talked to someone.  They provide support, local resource contact information, and tips on how to stay safe if I couldn't leave.  It's been in the back of my mind since then.  It's been really hard making these changes, especially since he has been fighting and pushing me every step of the way.  I have been getting blamed a lot.  Threatened.  I saw him today.  I became ill at work and he brought me a change of pants because I threw up on mine.  He acted like nothing was wrong.  Completely normal.  It was a little unsettling, but a little reassuring at the same time. 

When he's raging and you calmly tell him to stop, how do you do it? Do you tell him that you are getting emotional, but you are interested in what he has to say and you'll happily talk to him about it later?

There are several key things to doing it this way. First, you are conveying to him that you're interested in him and what he has to say. Second, you are telling him that you are getting emotionally aroused (defensive, angry, annoyed, etc.) without placing any blame on him. It is done in the form of SET.