Becoming Stronger

[peacebringer]

Hello,

I have been married 6 years to my husband, but together for more than 10. We have two sons together--a 4 year old and a 1 year old. I have been feeling very unhappy and confused in my marriage for a long time, and I would say I started feeling this way about a year after the birth of our first son.

My parents divorced when I was 18 and I am an adult child of an alcoholic and narcissistic father. I have been through some emotional trauma that always seems to hover over my life, but who doesn't have crap from their childhood that they have to deal with, right?

For the longest time, I felt like I have not deserved happiness--that all of my problems were the result of my inability to cope or manage everything going on. I have felt broken and like I am never quite enough for those around me. I am a people pleaser and always think about what it is like from someone else's perspective. I don't trust my own emotions or judgement, and often get very confused about what is real. I always put my husband and kids before myself and I feel empty, like I have nothing left that is true to me... .whoever that is.

I saw a therapist when I was struggling after the birth of our first son, but that left me feeling more messed up than I felt going in. A lot of time was spent processing feelings and events, but I did not gain any useful insight or skills. After the birth of our second son, a lot of my frustrations and feelings of unhappiness intensified. I figured I was just having a difficult time adjusting or coping to the added stressors in my life. Of course, the problem must be me. I started to see a new therapist who I like much better. I have also started taking prozac and have begun journaling again. She has slowly opened my eyes to a new perception of what is going on around me and why I might be feeling the way I do. Over the course of our work, she has helped me find ways to be more assertive and direct with others. I have started to learn that I should not feel guilty about a lot of things I have been feeling guilty about. I have learned that it is not just my responsibility to hold everything together. As I have learned these things, I feel like a fog is slowly lifting. I find that I have a strength and voice inside of me that I was too afraid to show.

I find that I tailor my decisions and actions based on the predicted reactions of my husband. I have found that everything I do is driven by his approval or disapproval. As I have learned these things about myself, the relationship with my husband has deteriorated to a point thatI do not feel I can come back from. Things have been done and said that change how I see him as a person. As I have started to drift further away, he is clamping down even harder--trying not to lose the one thing he holds most dear, which is me, and thus the boys too. I feel like I am just his most prized possession. Everything that has been going on in our relationship is not healthy or normal, but I have been desensitized to it because of my own upbringing. I don't know what a healthy marriage is supposed to look like, and so I have just shrugged it all of as it being something all married couples go through, or that it is my fault because I am such a messed up person from my childhood.

I figure, if he isn't physically hurting me, then I should just be able to tough it out. I need to grow a thicker skin. In the last month, I have had my mom, my sister, my 2 best friends, my therapist, and then a marriage counselor all tell me that what he is doing is a form of abuse. Domestic violence is not just physical--it is emotional, verbal, and sexual too. I have a safety bag packed for myself and the boys. I have people around me who know what is going on and have offered their homes and support when I need it. If this story was being told to me by a friend, I would tell her the abuse is so obvious. But, when it comes to me, and my life, and my husband, I just can't seem to reconcile that is what is going on.

I am not sure that he has BPD, as he has never been formally diagnosed. My therapist is the one who recently posed the question just to help me feel validated and to give me a frame of reference for what I have been feeling. Once I started to learn about BPD, everything started to click into place. My husband, in his rational state of mind, knows that something is wrong with his perception of reality and the way he reacts. He understands (to a limited extent) the pain that his words and actions have caused me. He says he learns more and more about himself every time we fight. Every time we fight, I build my wall higher and higher. His anger, accusations, and irrational behaviors are becoming increasingly unpredictable. I say that I do not think he would every physically hurt me, but he has come very close. I do not feel safe in this relationship and it makes me incredibly sad to think about the example I am setting for my boys.

I have made an appointment with a family law attorney simply to explore my options. I can't help but feel guilty that I am taking this step and already planning out what a separation might look like. I feel guilty that I am going to ruin his life. It is hard for me to put my own emotions and needs first, and it feels uncomfortable and foreign. BPD, if that is what it is for him, is such a confusing thing for the other person in the relationship. I am not sure that I can continue on my journey of becoming happier and healthier while staying in this relationship. I am a problem solver, but this is not a problem I can fix. I cannot fix him. I am not sure I can even stay in this relationship and support him on his own journey without losing myself in the process. For the first time, I feel a little stronger, and I feel like another, happier version of myself is possible. His fear of abandonment (by me) is his biggest trigger. How can I safely exit this relationship and maintain a co-parenting relationship with somebody who has BPD traits?

I can't help but feel like I am giving up on him and on us. What about our vows--through better or for worse, through sickness and in health? Does anybody every truly know they are making the right decision 100%?

I didn't think I would end up typing this much. I am tired of hiding in the dark. I want to be in the light. Even if it is with strangers, I figure sharing my story and hearing others' will help me find my way. Thanks for listening.

 
PeaceBringer

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi PeaceBringer and Welcome 

It is great that you found us and are reaching out for support.  You are in the right place, as many members will understand your situation and be able to help and guide you with the benefit of their own experience.  The information on this site is also grounded in fact so you can rely upon it to give you good perspective.  I'd suggest taking a good look at the articles and lessons as they have proven extremely valuable to myself and countless others.

Well done on sharing your story in this way.  It is a really positive step, as are your others you've talked about in your post, towards taking care of yourself and that is so important.  I'm so sorry to hear that you don't feel safe and I'm glad you are prepared with somewhere to go if you need to.  I suffered domestic abuse which did become violent with my ex partner and it means a lot to me that you are safe and remain that way.  Aside from your therapist and friends, family and now us, have you also spoken to a DV advocate?  This was a turning point for myself as they helped me to devise a safety plan and were extremely supportive with all the other impacts in my life.  I'd encourage you to speak to someone in your local area who is used to dealing with these types of situations who can help you.  We also have a document here which you may find helpful in the meantime, Safety First.  I hope it proves useful to you.

For the immediate situation, I'm going to advise that you post on the Improving board, where you can get advice on how best to manage your day to day interaction with your husband, making your family life easier and hopefully reduce some of the tension. 

You're not alone with this.  We understand and are here for you.

Love and light x

   

[AskingWhy]

Peacebringer, first of all, welcome and please accept some virtual hugs.  Thank you for sharing your situation.

Coming to the awareness that one has been abused is a hard admission to make.  I am glad you have an escape plan and the support of a therapist and your family members.

You have seen how your childhood plays into your choice of H and also how you relate to your spouse.  This is very common, and many on this board can relate--including myself.  When you don't understand what is "normal" as a child, you grow up with a very skewed idea of what is normal.  This often leads to a state of codependence in the spouse of the pwBPD. 

You are now also aware that your husband is likely a pwBPD.  Seeing the diagnostic criteria in a book or on a Web site is like having the sunlight of realization open your eyes.  Suddenly, everything makes sense:  the rages and mood swings, the control issues, and the "black and white" thinking.

Please continue your self-care, therapy and relying on your support systems.  Wedding vows are important and honorable, but all bets are off when you are abused in any capacity.  Please read the link posted by Harley Quinn.

Don't hesitate to come back for more advice.  And please keep us updated.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi PeaceBringer, aside from a few details (I am a man, alcoholic father = BPD mother), you have more or less written my life, and I'm sure the life of many on here. I believe I can understand a lot of the pain you have been through and are going through.

I thought us discovering my wife had BPD would be an instantaneous salvation and she would change very fast and everything would get better. But instead life has become a daily hell. I have to face that I can no longer rely on the person I love to take care of our children or herself and I have to start making worst case plans. I never know what I will be up against each day and I am facing the strong possibility of what you are facing now since there has already been violence to me and my children (physical and emotional), for long enough that I am ashamed to admit I looked the other way. She is trying and often ashamed herself but I don't know how committed she is.        

Like Harley Quinn said, you have taken a positive and courageous step and are taking care of yourself. I know it may be a long road to happy life for both of us. But I am trying to find joy in the small things. And every day I take a step forward I feel like I recover a little piece of myself I lost, and a little strength.

I hope this is helpful for you and that you find the support you need here to get you through this. Hang in there!  

[peacebringer]

Thank you all for your support and validation. I find myself coming back here to seek affirmation for what I am thinking and feeling. It is also helping me to put into words what I have struggled with for so long to identify.

My husband had another episode this past Friday. It seemed to come out of nowhere, as most of his rages, paranoia, and accusations do. However, each time it happens, I can see the trigger(s) more clearly. The threat of losing me is his biggest trigger. He has had an episode the past 3 Fridays in a row. Is this cyclical nature of his moods and emotions a coincidence, or is that something that is often seen in BP?

I am struggling to figure out what I should do when I feel these moods and emotions creeping in. I have learned the hard way that trying to explain, refute, argue, reason, etc. are all futile efforts. Now, I just try to disengage by simply not saying anything or walking away if I can. However, this latest episode happened in the car and I found myself not being able or wanting to even talk to him about what the issue was he was harping on. He started to drive erratically and my fear escalated and I demanded that he stop the car and let me out. He said I was being dramatic, defensive and unreasonable and would not stop the car. Thankfully, we were in the neighborhood when this happened and we arrived home just a few minutes later.

For so many reasons, it is a futile effort to engage in these conversations with him. It is impossible for me to challenge a perception of reality that isn't real. We have such different viewpoints on issues that keep coming up and I am starting to think it is because he disassociates and experiences something completely different.

What can I do in these situations to keep things from escalating and also keep myself safe? It seems my method of shutting down or disengaging escalates his emotions and behaviors just the same.

[Meili]

Hello peacebringer,

I remember how frustrating it was when I was trying to figure out what triggered my x and how to keep things from escalating. I had to learn new communication skills to stop the bleeding. These skills included listening with empathy, validating the valid, and not JADE'ing (justifying, arguing, defending, and explaining). There are others, but those were the first steps.

As you've figured out, JADE'ing only makes things worse. People who have dysregulated (are emotionally aroused) tend not to think logically. So, trying to convince them to see things differently is, as you said, futile.

Also, because one of the hallmarks of BPD is an intense fear of abandonment, your ignoring him or walking away probably add to his already heightened emotions if not done in a loving and caring manner.

Of course, there are times when it is necessary for your own protection to just walk away. I don't think that anyone would fault you for wanting to get out of the car when he is driving dangerously.

Is there something about weekends that might make him scared or worried? Is he at home and you have to work or anything like that? Is the Friday thing new, or has it been like that for more than just the past three weeks?

[Frankee]

For the longest time, I felt like I have not deserved happiness--that all of my problems were the result of my inability to cope or manage everything going on. I have felt broken and like I am never quite enough for those around me. I am a people pleaser and always think about what it is like from someone else's perspective. I don't trust my own emotions or judgement, and often get very confused about what is real. I always put my husband and kids before myself and I feel empty, like I have nothing left that is true to me... .whoever that is.

I have started to learn that I should not feel guilty about a lot of things I have been feeling guilty about. I have learned that it is not just my responsibility to hold everything together. As I have learned these things, I feel like a fog is slowly lifting. I find that I have a strength and voice inside of me that I was too afraid to show.

I find that I tailor my decisions and actions based on the predicted reactions of my husband. I have found that everything I do is driven by his approval or disapproval.

Your post made me almost feel like it was myself talking.  The things you are going through, the two boys, becoming stronger, the steps and process you are making.  I am constantly being told that I'm the woman, it's my job to run the house, take care of the kids, clean, etc.  I don't mind doing those things because I want to.  But I do want breaks and help at times, which he doesn't give.  Only his brother helps with that.  Then my H says he does everything.  It doesn't stop there though.  He makes me responsible for the bills, balancing the bank account, keeping track of what he spends when he doesn't tell me, buying items needed for the kids, dogs, house, but he gets angry when I just spend money without talking to him first.  It's a nasty cycle I'm working on changing.

As I have started to drift further away, he is clamping down even harder--trying not to lose the one thing he holds most dear, which is me, and thus the boys too. I feel like I am just his most prized possession.

Everything that has been going on in our relationship is not healthy or normal.

I need to grow a thicker skin.

Domestic violence is not just physical--it is emotional, verbal, and sexual too.

My husband, in his rational state of mind, knows that something is wrong with his perception of reality and the way he reacts. He understands (to a limited extent) the pain that his words and actions have caused me. He says he learns more and more about himself every time we fight. 

It got so bad yesterday that I reached out to the national abuse online chat.  They provided links to local resources.  Talked to me, reassured me that it wasn't my fault and that what I was experiencing wasn't healthy or normal.  I cried... really hard.  The amount of compassion and support they provided was something I hadn't had in a very long time.  I use to tell myself the same thing.  Need to be stronger, grow a thicker skin to his verbal and emotional attacks.  He had a very horrible childhood and upbringing, so I sympathized.  Tried to understand why he is the way he is.  Tried to prove I wasn't like his mother that abandoned him.  Tried to show him that not everyone leaves.  All this trying... I've lost myself.  I took on all the abuse and said that he's just struggling.  I'm slowly getting back my confidence and inner voice that he has managed to silence for a long time.

His anger, accusations, and irrational behaviors are becoming increasingly unpredictable. I say that I do not think he would every physically hurt me, but he has come very close. I do not feel safe in this relationship and it makes me incredibly sad to think about the example I am setting for my boys.

I am a problem solver, but this is not a problem I can fix. I cannot fix him.

His fear of abandonment (by me) is his biggest trigger.

I too am a problem solver.  I thought for a long time if I just did this and that differently, I could fix him.  I see that is not the truth.  His actions, words, abuse, all of it is not my fault.  I do not deserve any of it.  He's managed to crush me so small that he had control for a very long time.  After finding this forum and reaching out, I am gaining knowledge and confidence that I have the power to break the cycles.  He can see the changes.  He doesn't understand and I feel doesn't really know what's happening.  He can just tell that the conditioned responses he's use to when he rages or threatens, are not working.  He's losing control and he's not taking it very well.

[Harley Quinn]

We have such different viewpoints on issues that keep coming up and I am starting to think it is because he disassociates and experiences something completely different.

What can I do in these situations to keep things from escalating and also keep myself safe? It seems my method of shutting down or disengaging escalates his emotions and behaviors just the same.

Hi peacebringer,

How are things going since you last posted?  Hoping you are feeling safe and have decided to get some support in place from a DV advocate.  I will happily go through with you aspects of my own safety plan if that is helpful to you otherwise.  Looking forward to hearing how you are doing.

Love and light x

[Adastra]

Your story feels very similar to mine. I left about 8 months ago, and while it's been difficult with my ex the hard parts are NOTHING in comparison to what I was living with on a day-to-day basis. My kids (7 and 2) are also doing really well. I have felt so much more even, clear-sighted, light, and happy. Just wanted to share that there's a light at the end of the tunnel.