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My replacement posted a picture of the two of them in bed together, with the caption after 8.5 years of being best friends, things finally happened. She has her hand over his and the photo is focused on the engagement ring that I gave her and she refused to return. It seems they are engaged with MY engagement ring. I feel so betrayed and used. What am I to make of this? She says she loves me, but I push her away.  Is she living out a fantasy that she is marrying me, or is she just a <insert word that isn't allowed>?

Wow, Dazed_n_confused, that's got to be a super tough one to work through!   


I wonder what her definition of 'love' would be. Do you have any idea? There seems to be some distortion of reality going on. I can certainly see why you feel used.

Where do you see yourself in this relationship now? Is it definitely over according to your thoughts?

Wools

I have no idea what she thinks love is anymore. I am so confused, I go back and forth with all the mixed signals, and it's hard to cut through all the lies to figure what is real. I will say that she looks like she's being held hostage in the picture. Her eyes look dead, they don't have the twinkle that they have when she's with me. It's almost as if she really does love me, but she knows she's screwed up with me so bad that she can never fix it, and she needs a clean slate even if she's forcing herself to be with someone she doesn't want. Still, I'm 99% just done with her. I'm done trying, but if she contacted me and did some serious apologizing, came clean about everything, and agreed on a serious action plan to improve communication and show me the respect that I show her, then I would consider it. That's not going to happen though, she can't handle all that. Actually, he is probably going to call the FBI and say I'm harassing them. He lives in the same metro area as me, and she lives on the other side of the country. She has been staying at his house since Wednesday, and I think she's going home tomorrow. I commented on his Instagram post that it's my ring. I also text her, and told her to send the ring back or I'm going to file a lawsuit.

Hi dazed_n_confused  

It can induce anger when a partner refuses to return an engagement ring. Me too, I know a little bit of what this feels like.

It seems like you're getting the pangs of betrayal. I understand that you bought it, you gave it to her with the expectation of marriage, and she didn't return it after the relationship ended. So of course, you feel those pangs of betrayal.

Before you consider this next part, I encourage you to practice some radical acceptance (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=89910.0).

The point here is not an I-told-you-so. Not at all. I was--in some ways--the person in your position. The point is that an intimate relationship has reciprocal elements built in. What you do affects the other person, and vice versa. What you do affects you, via this idea.

One way to look at this is under the text. You (call yourself person "M5" became romantically involved with her (call this person "F1" while she is still in a formal relationship with someone else (call the husband "M4". In doing so, you conveyed to her that you're correspondingly okay with being treated to the standard she is treating the man she is in a formal relationship with. By doing so, under the text, you can be seen to forfeit the corresponding right to rely on the obligations of the rules of the formal relationship.

To simplify:

• The way you act toward her promotes that F1 is not obligated to M4 by fidelity, even with the condition of marriage.
• So why should F1 be obligated to M5 by fidelity?

But so what? I'd like to support Woolspinner2000's suggestion to you;
Afterward, please do answer; where do you see yourself right now, with or without this relationship? I'd contend that it's going to be much easier for you to go this way than to try to act on your current feelings of injustice.

I hope you grow toward peace.

I had resigned myself to never getting the ring back. I wasn't even angry about it really, I just wanted it back as a sign that she was truly done with me. Seeing it being used as their engagement ring though is a different story. I thought it was just going to sit in a box as a reminder of me. Instead the symbol of our love is being used to symbolize their love. That angers and hurts me deeply. I don't think I can allow that. I really need to sue to get it back, and then be done with her.

I'll read that radical acceptance thread tomorrow, thanks. I'm too uspet right now to focus.

The thing is, I did not accept that kind of behavior. I initially rejected her advances in part because she was married. She convinced me that they were only married on paper, for the kids, and that he didn't care if she dated. She actually told me that she had been faithful for the last seven years while he refused to even kiss her, but it was time to move on. It was all lies of course, but I didn't know it until I was hooked.

Sure. Read it when you can.  :)

I picked out something from the thread that will help you today.

Based upon how she is treating you,  I'd agree that what she told you was all lies, or mostly (to be generous). This is complicated,  with multiple drama triangles overlapping.  Where do you see yourself going here? You can only control what's in your court.  She's asserting that she can do whatever she wants as an independent entity.  You are an independent entity also.