BPDFamily.com

Hello.

I am so pleased I have come across this site. I have been in complete turmoil and suffering from PTSD after getting out of a physically violent relationship with my BPD partner (although he doesn't accept this diagnosis). We only just broke up. I ended it as i couldnt take the emotional and physical violence anymore. I love him very, very much and in our happy times i have never been happier in my life. I have many good memories that i struggle to move on from. The words that have been used to hurt me and the deeply personal things i have opened up about from my past have been used against me and these circle around my head day in and day out. He has no support and i do feel a sense of responsibility and guilt from walking away with no contact a week ago but now he has got in touch. I am nervous even posting this up to be honest.

I miss him terribly and hope that we could have got some support maybe to get us through it but things just got so bad.

What do i do. Do i reply? Do i reach out? how can i love and support him if i am afraid.

Any advice greatly appreciated.

Thank you x

I am so sorry that you are struggling so deeply with this. I know how difficult it can be to reconcile the good times with the horrible times. You are not alone here. There are many powerful lessons on the boards that helped me find some peace over time. You are not alone. Keep reading and keep writing. We are walking this journey with you.

Are you safe firegirl?

I echo this: your safety and health must be a top priority at this moment! Take care, try to get some rest, reach out to supportive family and friends, take deep breaths.

Turkish: I am safe now yes. I have been unsafe and in some very frightening situations throughout our relationship but i don't feel under threat. Only from myself in that i care so deeply I don't know if i am able to stay away and the cycle may repeat.

Hope2727: Thank you for your support. This site is amazing and so strange how so many have been through very similar situations. If only people were more educated in mental health perhaps we would be more prepared to deal with these things before they happen. So much damage and hurt  It feels like there is very little support in the real world.

Kaboodle: Thank you. I am very lucky that I have a good support network but its horrible people knowing what i have been through when i hid it away for so long. You feel judged and I know people would react badly if i get back in touch with him. I just want to tell him i care, that i love him. If i only i cold just do that.

Hi firegirl 

I too was so pleased that I came across this site. Discovering a lot of the same stories with people here helped me a lot.

Yes, having had a physically violent partner and without knowing what BPD was at the time, me too--I was in a lot of turmoil.

I understand this. I ended things partly because of the physical violence. It was a strange feeling to love someone physically violent, I get that. I think I still "loved" her when she struck me. It often doesn't make sense.

I would cautiously advise you to keep distance. At any point of a rage, try to remove yourself from his mix. I think this is doing our part to not put ourselves in a position of where violence is present. Make a solid plan to leave the area the next time there is a violence, before you see him. If for whatever reason you find yourself where he's using violence, you could go to a friend's place, a relative's place, or go to your own home.

Having come out of situations like this, I want to give you a strong reason to do this. If you hang around or fail to put distance between the two of you when he gets violent, it seems that the pwBPD learns that you're willing to tolerate it. I think they get more brazen and take you less seriously. So doing this distance thing well will help you heaps.

In the long run, I do think it's a problem that's a bit too complex for the non to handle, and the T of the pwBPD is in a better position to do something about it.  So don't try to be his therapist. I tried a bit of this myself and tried to do a quick management plan for the violence without a T's advice--and it didn't turn out well for me. Don't assume love or being a partner automatically gives you years of professional therapy experience--it isn't how it works.

If you find yourself in these feelings, something proactive you can do is find help for yourself first. I had the fortune of getting the help of a P--just getting his support (I'd lost a lot of support from people by then)--even though your partner is the pwBPD--it could help you heaps. It helped me a lot. I highly recommend it.

Good luck. I hope you find peace.  :)