Hi firegirl
I am so pleased I have come across this site.
I too was so pleased that I came across this site. Discovering a lot of the same stories with people here helped me a lot.
I have been in complete turmoil and suffering from PTSD after getting out of a physically violent relationship with my BPD partner (although he doesn't accept this diagnosis).
Yes, having had a physically violent partner and without knowing what BPD was at the time, me too--I was in a lot of turmoil.
I ended it as i couldnt take the emotional and physical violence anymore. I love him very, very much and in our happy times i have never been happier in my life.
I understand this. I ended things partly because of the physical violence. It was a strange feeling to love someone physically violent, I get that. I think I still "loved" her when she struck me. It often doesn't make sense.
Do i reply? Do i reach out? how can i love and support him if i am afraid.
I would cautiously advise you to keep distance. At any point of a rage, try to remove yourself from his mix. I think this is doing our part to not put ourselves in a position of where violence is present. Make a solid plan to leave the area the next time there is a violence, before you see him. If for whatever reason you find yourself where he's using violence, you could go to a friend's place, a relative's place, or go to your own home.
Having come out of situations like this, I want to give you a strong reason to do this. If you hang around or fail to put distance between the two of you when he gets violent, it seems that the pwBPD learns that you're willing to tolerate it. I think they get more brazen and take you less seriously. So doing this distance thing well will help you heaps.
In the long run, I do think it's a problem that's a bit too complex for the non to handle, and the T of the pwBPD is in a better position to do something about it. So don't try to be his therapist. I tried a bit of this myself and tried to do a quick management plan for the violence without a T's advice--and it didn't turn out well for me. Don't assume love or being a partner automatically gives you years of professional therapy experience--it isn't how it works.
I miss him terribly and hope that we could have got some support maybe to get us through it but things just got so bad.
If you find yourself in these feelings, something proactive you can do is find help for yourself first. I had the fortune of getting the help of a P--just getting his support (I'd lost a lot of support from people by then)--even though your partner is the pwBPD--it could help you heaps. It helped me a lot. I highly recommend it.
Good luck. I hope you find peace.
