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So yesterday my ex and I (we've been dating again now for about one and a half month) had a really nice day out. We went for a long hike out on the countryside, had a drink somewhere and in the evening had dinner in a restaurant and watched a movie at his place.

I had decided for myself that yesterday was the day that I was going to ask him how he thinks things are going and tell him about the fact that I'm having a hard time that things are so undefined between us. All day I couldn't find the right moment, but when we were laying in bed with the lights out I asked him about it.

Luckily he reacted very calmly and understanding and didn't get angry or annoyed or anything, which was nice. But the answers he gave weren't nice at all. He said that he thought things we're going fine (or good, I don't really remember which of the two he used) at the moment, but that he wasn't ready to label what we had. He said he wasn't ready for the commitment that came with a relationship yet. And that he first wanted to see how things would be in the upcoming weeks, when he'll be a lot busier. He said that his head was still was very full and that was why he didn't really feel the need for a relationship. I asked him a few more questions and his answers pretty much showed me that if it were up to him he'd rather stay in this dating limbo for as long as possible and that being in a relationship with me again wasn't really his goals.

This hurts. You want the person you're dating to really like you and to want to be around you and to not have this many doubts about whether or not he wants to be with you. It makes me extremely insecure. He said he understood that I was feeling that way (I didn't use the word insecure though, because it's a bit of a  red-flag for him).

I just don't know to what extent I should go along with his needs. Should I stay in this limbo for longer just because I don't want him out of my life and I love being around him? Or should I protect myself from hurting even more, because the chances that this will actually turn into a relationship again seem to be very slim. I want a relationship, I don't want this weird in-between thing. So should I be strong and say to him "if you don't want a relationship than there won't be anything at all"? Or should I wait and see what happens? I don't know if I'm strong enough to do either of those things. Please help!

Hi blooming,

This is very painful stuff! My first thought is to remember this could be happening with any guy - not just one with BPD. It is certainly hard when one person is ready for commitment and the other is not. I can relate to how you feel... .After a month and half of good times, and with a past history, it is understandable that you are ready for some definition of things: where is this going?

I guess the question becomes how much longer can you be in his limbo state?

What is he about to be busy with?

with compassion, pearl.

True, this isn't a BPD thing necessarily. But he is my BPD guy and I talk about my relationship with him here and this is something I'm really struggling with now, so I hope it isn't a problem.

I talked about it with my parents and friends and they all say that I should cut it off. It seems like he doesn't want a relationship and won't want one in the (near) future. Not with me anyway. It really seems like he is using me, because he can't be alone (he has a history of doing these kind of things too). Everything is going according to his rules and he doesn't want to listen to my needs. He doesn't want more commitent so there won't be any. I don't hink I should go along with this. I think if I stay longer that it will only hurt more in the end. Because he'll probably just find someone new at some point and dump me because he doesn't need my company and affection anymore. He really hasn't said anything about wanting to be with me or something. Staying with him is really bad for my confidence. It hurts so much giving everything to someone who doesn't want to give in return and who is just enjoying the attention, it seems.

I don't know if I'm strong enough to actually let him go though. I just love him so much and I love being around him and spending time with him and laying in his arms. At the moment things are going pretty well between us and it just feels weird to throw that away.

But I really think that if I tell him that if he doesn't want a relationship (in the near future) that we are through, that he will just shrug his shoulders and say fine. I really think he doesn't care. I'm so scared about having that conversation. I'm so scared of cutting him off. I really really really don't know what to do and what the right decision is.

He is going to be busy with uni by the way, he has exams coming up and he's starting a new internship next week.

Hi bloom

What I read is you guys are spending quality time together
  Actions speak.

I can get myself all worked up around words.

(What is our r/s? )  that is a pressure question; anything regarding us, me and you  the future, whst has me puttinv pressure on.  What is up w me.?

I am just going with:  how does it feel to me to be w him.

No one else except me is going to describe my reality, does that make sense?

From what am learning about pwBPD, their feelings=facts.  Knowing that, I can relax a bit.

I can do a lot of excellent self care.  The better place i am in, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, physically, the bigger the space I can allow for my people. 

I don't need them to say or do anything... .

I can love them for who they authentically are.

It's a wonderful place for me to be.  It requires me to be at the top of my game, which often I fall short... .

They fall short... .we all do.

Patience and gentleness,

juju

Hi Juju! As always, I love your mentality and the way you are living life. I really wish I could be this relaxed in the situation I'm in, but unfortunately I don't think I can.

It just hurts too much knowing that a relationship with me is not something he's thinking about. He doesn't like me in that way anymore, I think. I'm just a filler now, someone to fill the holes because he doesn't want to be alone. Why would I put so much energy in someone that doesn't want to be with me?

His actions show he wants you in his life. He gave you a key to his place remember? I know its hard to find a common ground and see where you stand in the relationship. Once second you feel out of this world, then the next you feel like a brown spotted banana that nobody wants to eat.  It seems like words of "commitment" scare him. Its normal for people to fear putting a title on things, because those titles can be stripped at any moment. And BPD have a fear of abandoment as well. A lot of people believe that once you put a title on something, the dynamics change and the relationship changes. Perhaps, he's scared that once you guys become "official" it would change and he loves what is going on atm.

My expwBPD and I, never made our relationship official. I asked her out a few times and she said no. I was hurt, but her actions were showing me she was my girlfriend. we were monogomous. she would get jealous if i even sat with another girl, and say things like "i know we arent together so you can do what you want but please tell me if u find a new girl so i can move on". She was afraid of titles because it could be stripped any moment. Without a title meant less pressure for her. Also meant she couldn't keep "ending the relationship" every time we argued. I knew what we were even though we didnt have the title. She would take jabs saying "its not like we are in a relationship anyway" when she wanted to make me feel less. Now since we are broken up, she has been calling me her ex boyfriend on her social media when she barely called me her boyfriend during the relationship.

Hope this brings some aid to your situation.

Sorry if my reply was confusing! Of course you can talk about your BPD partner here - that’s exactly what this place is for! :) Not a problem!  I just mean anyone can have commitment issues. 

I would just suggest if his lack of commitment is this upsetting for you now, imagine it in the next months and year for you.  If you are sure this would be his reaction to you: “he will just shrug his shoulders and say fine” then he’s honestly no one to be that exited over/attached to in my opinion. But what you’ve written is focused on you and your needs. He’s not meeting them. Why can’t you let him go? 

Hi bloom

I agree w crywolf.  There is something about commitment w pwBPD.

I am not asking you anything you can't do.

Get real with the fact that your bf has a serious mental illness.  My s.o. is on disability because of BPD.

I wish I had factored the s.m.i. in to our relationship. Only now, 10 yrs later, am I learning about BPD.  He is so high functioning... .

It's about me being mindful.  It's all good.  Enjoy the good.  Take what you like, leave the rest!

I go to al anon.  I am codependent.  

You are beautiful, loving, kind.  Find out what has me needing this person I love to say x,y,z, in order for me to feel good... .?

I can call I trusted friend and vent, ask them to listen.

Bloom.  Here is the main thing for you to get:

My job(your job)  is to Bring myself, happy, whole, complete, to all my relationships!

When I notice my attitude sucks whenever I am w my s.o., it's a Key For Me, my work needs to begin on me.  What has my attitude to be sucky?

It's ok, you are doing great.

All of this is just my opinion.  You can agree, disagree, anything in between.

Am just sharing my truth.

Take what you like and leave the rest.

With fondness,
juju

But commitment didn't use to scare him, that's what confuses me. When we got together the first time he was very quick with wanting to make our relationship official and letting him meet his family. So it's not like he's not able to do that. It's just that he for some reason has decided not to right now. I am just so scared that he's using me, only to discard me as soon as he has found someone better.

Bloom.

You are great.

Listen, something in me has me get into--
why is he doing This.? He used to do That.

What I forget, is, it's ME noticing this stuff.

No one else.  Whatever I Focus On, Enlarges... .

When I find out that i have control over my thought and actions.

My attitude determines my reality.

My good friend, my trusted friend, who knows my story, sometimes I have to ask her what is going on w me and my s.o.

I am too close, my attitude is too invested, I am radar on steroids, looking at him and his actions!

If i can relax, be my self, turn off my radar.

Breathe in and out.

let my life unfold.

Anytime is say "yes, but... ."

That's my ego messing me up.

Relax.  Live.  Love.

He hasn't messaged me all day. He clearly doesn't give me any priority. I have decided that the next time I'll see him  I will tell him that I can't go on like this. I really feel like he is using me, being purely opportunistic and thinking only of himself and his own needs. I really think that as soon as he'll find someone he likes more he'll dump me. I am not okay with that. I need to put myself first now. Being with someone who isn't sure if he likes me enough and who wants to keep his options open is not good for me. It's bringing me down. He makes me feel so insecure and worthless with the way he is currently treating me. And I don't think that's the way that someone you're dating with should make you feel.

It's still so difficult to let him go though. I just love him so much still. The idea of cutting him off is extremely painful to me.

I feel your pain Blooming. No one wants to be an option or second best. I have been in your position. I am currently working on telling myself im "first best" and radiating out that energy. My ex wanted to be "just friends" and i said no. It hurt me but i had to enforce my boundary of relationship or nothing. this hurt her ego, and ive been hurting for 4 months now missing her wondering if she'll come back.

No matter the decision, follow your heart.
"The strongest negotiation position, is being able to walk away and mean it"

Hey

I get it.

Why can't you play cool.

No one is going to act the way I want.

Me accepting them, exactly the way they ARE,

That is my job.


Whatever you decide, I support you.


My point, do not cut your options.


Did you read the four agreements?


W love,

juju

No, I didn't actually! What are they?

It's a valuable book



Go get that book,  read it, and we will talk again, my friend!

Yes I think I need to enforce that boundary too, but I'm already hurting just thinking about it. I just don't understand why his feelings towards me have changed so much.

So much of your post reminds me of earlier times with my pwBPD traits. We would spend time together, get what I thought was close, I'd pluck up the courage to ask what were we... .and he'd either run a mile, or give a non-committal reply that made me feel as if I was just someone he was passing time with until someone better came along, and we'd break contact. It went on for years. We finally got together seriously only after I suddenly needed surgery and I happened to be staying with him for a few weeks at the time as I was moving house. I honestly think if something dramatic hadn't happened we'd still be in that cycle.
Only you know if he's worth waiting for. You family and friends will probably think he isn't because they want what they think is best for you and they don't want to see you hurt. But if when you're together he feels like the right fit for you, and you are aware of how he is and feel you can live around that and be happy- then you have to accept that's it's going to be hard work and it'll take time. My pwBPD traits once ended everything by text and cut me out of his life for a whole year, only to get back in touch as if nothing had happened and offered no explanation. Sometimes I think he did it to protect himself from getting too close, other times to protect me (he is very aware of how his behavior affects others). Neither of us were aware of his BPD diagnosis then, he was only diagnosed with anxiety and depression at that time.
Think carefully about your future and the life you want. Would you like kids, would he be able to support you emotionally when life throws you or is it always going to be all about him and his needs? You might not mind that too much now, but in years to come, especially if you had a family, it can be draining and soul destroying to realise that you can't always rely on your SO when you need to. And they can't help it, it's the way that they are, and you know going in so you can't expect otherwise. And if you have kids it's hard-working you can't just walk out if they're treating you badly, there are small people who are watching and listening who need you both. You can only hope your SO try their best to be there for you and your family. Do you really think he's worth it? If you do, then enjoy the good times you spend together and hope he'll commit. Or do you deserve more than he can give? Yes walking away hurts, but it might hurt a lot more and for a lot longer if you keep seeing him. You might just be getting over him and he'll reappear in your life- will you be strong enough to not get sucked back in? I'm married many years now and I'm currently worn out and exhausted, despite knowing I mean the world to him. But I'm willing to keep at it, learn tools from here and persevere. Will you feel like that in 10/15 years time? Think long and hard about what life you want, and I wish you love, strength and luck.

Thank you for your reply Madonnafan! Your story sounds very similar to my current situation. The difference is though, that he has committed himself to me for about a year already. We ended that relationship at the end of october last year. In the time in between we have tried again 2 times for a very short time (about 2 weeks) and now one time for a longer time (for already one and a half months or something).

I think tonight (when I'll probably see him again) I will tell him how I'm feeling. I will say that I'm having a lot of doubts about whether we need to continue with this or not, because we want such different things. I will say that he makes me feel like he doesn't really like me and that I'm just a filler to prevent him from being alone and that I'll be dumped as soon as someone better comes along. And if that's the case, than what the heck are we doing? I will say that if he just wants to casually date someone, that I'm not the right girl for that, because of our history together. I just can't look at him casually. I will say that I don't really understand why he's so scared of committing himself to me? Is he scared that I'll just throw all my problems at him or demand to see eachother at least 4 times a week? Because that won't be the case. I just need this commitment to make sure that he likes me enough and that I can trust him. Because how can I learn to trust him again if he wants to stay in this vague situation? To me that's all red flags that he's looking for someone better. And the step to a relationship doesn't have to happen now-now, but he has pretty much said that he doesn't want a relationship with me ever. And if that's the case, then it just needs to end. I won't keep waiting for him and waiting on him like I'm some kind of lap-dog, while he gives nothing in return. I just need to understand his intentions.

So when I've said those things, we'll see how he reacts and what he does. I think it'll be over after I have said that, because I think I'm really right about him not liking me enough anymore and me just being someone to fill the void while he is lonely. It's going to be extremely hard, because I love being around him and if it were up to me things would have gone a lot differently, but I really need to protect myself now.

Hi blooming,

Whatever the outcome, we're here to "listen".  I think you are building up a lot of strength and the ability to determine what you need in life.  Even if this guy is not in a place to appreciate all you can offer know that you are a worthwhile person who deserves to feel good in your relationships with others.

Hi isilme,

Thank you so much, that's very sweet of you! Making this decision is extremely hard, but I try to be strong and convince myself that I deserve more than this. This is quite difficult for me since I have very low self esteem.

Unfortunately my ex was ill yesterday, so I didn't think that would be the right time to have the conversation with him. I did visit him to bring him some dinner, since he wasn't really able to leave his bed. He appreciated the gesture I think, thanked me and said that was sweet of me and hugged and kissed me. It felt different to me though, kind of hollow? I just don't understand how he can kiss me and things like that if he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me, that he's fine with this playing pretend and that he thinks I'm fine with it too.

I will see him on wednesday, so I'll bring it up with him then. Part of me still hopes that he'll convince me to stay with him and that he'll say that he does really like me and wants to be with me. But I don't think he will.

Blooming

You are in a hard place.

Really no one can tell you what to do.

For me, I have to go w actions... .if I journal, that helps me see what actions, how i was feeling,how did that date go?  Some things I write on the calendar, like, he called at 8:15pm.

That does not necessarily mean inaction, like, he didn't do X, that must mean Y.

From reading your posts, I looks to me like you are not managing your emotions.

Do you have the book loving someone w BPD?

She talks about managing your emotions.

juju

No I don't have any books on BPD!

And you are maybe right, but I just don't see how it's worthwile to be with someone who doesn't want anything more from me than just casual dating and who's just using me because he doesn't want to be alone. So I need to know if that's the case or not. If it's not, things will be different.

The push-pull is an unfortunate part of BPD. This is how they regulate themselves. It can really knock you off balance... .so try to find your center. The lovey-dovey stuff is great... .until they rip it away! In the center, you don't need it as much. You take the hand-holding when offered, you don't worry about its meaning too much when it isn't. I can see this is eating at you... .the not knowing is unbearable. When I pushed for answers, his words and explanations only made me feel worse. I had to stop putting so much importance on how he feels about me. It changed so frequently anyway. Confusing times.

With a healthy man, this may be normal commitment-phobia stuff. With BPD, it's likely fears of engulfment and abandonment. I was so sure at one time that my guy could go on his merry way like I never mattered. But I was wrong. It wasn't about me at all. It was his poor coping skills, mixed up mind and emotions. What I saw as selfish and cruel behavior was actually his self-preservation. Better to keep me at bay than let me in too close... .but that changed over time.

I know you are hurting and want things defined. I'm afraid the more he says, the more confused you will be. Feeling stuck in limbo can lead to drastic measures. Don't jump off that cliff just yet. Slow your thoughts, calm your feelings. You have choices... .you can cut off contact, go thru the pain, heal, come out the other side (without him). OR you can enjoy being with him without knowing what will happen, commit to the work ahead and see where it goes (with him) ... .this requires some inner healing, patience, understanding, practicing the tools. It's up to you. 

He has a history of cheating though and I really don't want him to do that. And currently he's putting in so little effort it's ridiculous. He doesn't message me all day, never initiates contact anymore. I need a little more than that. He used to be able to do it just fine, when we were in a relationship. So where did all of that go? It just seems like he doesn't care about me as much anymore. And if he doesn't care, then I'm bound to get hurt.

You saw him march 31, and Apr 1 (?)
If i am reading your timeline correctly.


Worst case, if it was me, I would back up.  Do whatever non actions he is doing.

Instead of getting frustrated, making things mean x,y,z.  I am in my head. Nothing good comes out of me being in my head.

Don't talk yourself in to anything, I say that because you care about him, he is honest w you about what he wants now... .communication is good.

Find 5 things you enjoy about him, write those down in your journal.

1.  He isn't clingy.

You do the rest!

Keep adding 5 a day, read them every day.

You just need a community who has experience, whom you believe in.  We are here for you.!

The other thing is, when my life revolves around pwBPD, it adds pressure to the r/s. Energetically, it adds negative energy, you know?
And I don't feel good about myself when I obsess about him.

Maybe you could volunteer somewhere once a week, it makes me feel so good doing that... .
A homeless shelter, somewhere where I can see others and feel compassion, and share a different way of life.  Or take clothes you no longer wear to a women's shelter.  Offer something that would only take an hour even.  Giving of my time, it does something to me, I am not the same.

And if nothing else works, pause.

Nothing that you have shared needs to be decided today. Or tomorrow.

You could actually pick a random date in May, may 18, write on that day, am I ready to make a decision?  Do I need to? 

Do you have a calendar.  Get one.

If you want to.

with caring,

juju

Ahhh... .can you elaborate on this history? Has he cheated on you, or on his exes in the past? are you worried that if he started seeing someone else, technically he isn't cheating since you aren't "together"? That makes sense. This would bother me, too. You may want a boundary of no physical contact, until you are sure?

He has cheated on two out of three of his exes, maybe more, but that's all I know of. He even cheated on one of his exes (which was then his gf) with another one of his exes, for over half a year. He hasn't cheated on me (as far as I know). He would kind of be cheating since we agreed on dating exclusively, right?

Timeline is almost correct, I saw him March 30 the whole day and then March 31 only in the morning when we woke up. I also saw him for about an hour April 2 to bring him dinner when he was ill.

What do you mean, you would back up? You mean not message him as long as he doesn't message me?

And it is true that he has been honest with me about what he wants, but that means he has kind of said that what he wants isn't me. So if that's the case, why would I stay with him?

I already do quite a lot besides my uBPD ex! I study, I volunteer at the local music venue, I exercise regularly, I am a member of a rowing association, I work at an ice cream parlour, I joined a few committees... .But despite all of these things he is still on my mind pretty much all of the time. I'm checking my phone all day, hoping he sent a message already and being disappointed when he hasn't.

Hey Blooming 

It sounds like you have a lot going on outside your life with your pwBPD! I am the same, I have a lot of hobbies, however my partner/ex is always on my mind. When he pops up in your mind, ask yourself "oh there he is again, why am i thinking about him?" "oh i must miss him" etc
accept it and then try to get back into ur activities

At this moment, I think you may want to back away from your partner and give some space so he can miss you. make him realize he is what you want. it shows he does care about and loves you. And inconsistency sucks, but sadly it comes with BPD.

How would you advice to back away from him? How should I bring that to him?

I have decided that maybe I don't want to cut him off completely, beause it just feels a bit too radical. This is against the advice of all of my friends and family though, so I'm not really sure if it's the right thing.

I do need to know whether he likes me enough for a relationship or not though. If I'm really just someone to pass the time with until he finds someone he likes more and dumps me, then that's just not a place I want to be in. Then it just needs to end.

But if he says that he does like me, but that he isn't sure if he wants to be in a relationship now because he's so busy, than maybe that would be different. We could talk about what scares him about a relationship and I could maybe help him with that. He says he doesn't want the commitment, but I'm curious to hear what kind of commitment that is, beause if we're exclusive already then that wouldn't really change.

Any advice on what would be the best approach to have the conversation I mentioned in my reply above with him? I don't want to say the wrong things.

Hi B

Just be present.

When I am taking really good self care (what have I done for self care, today, yesterday, the day before that)
It doesn't matter what they say, don't say etc.

I can take pressure off of them.  They don't owe me a thing, and that feels Great!

Friends and family are unreliable I have found.  They are invested in me feeling 'better'.  Get rid of whomever is hurting me.  They only know what I tell them.

I need a trusted friend, whom I share everything w.

She knows i just need her to listen... .I need to vent... .I don't need her advice.

i see your ego may be running you.  It tries to run me, all the time!

Whenever I am in the mode "I have to do this, I have to ask this question, I have to etc, etc.

Especially if it's urgent.  My ego operates in urgent mode... .
That is my flag that i am headed for a rabbit hole... .

It's not me.  My ego isn't my true self.

All of these things direct me to slow down.  Find out what is really going on w me... ?

Blooming, I see how much you hurting. I read most of your posts and earlier threats and you've been struggeling for a long time, without much change.

When I brought up my issue with my BPD female friend, who I like very much, it was clearly recommended to avoid more cotact to to cut her off completely (by specialists and non specialists on BPD).
Now after almost a year with push and pull, no contact, little contact, silent treatment, no answers, no discussion I clearly see they were right.

BPD people have hard times talking about their issues, if that's possible at all, mostly not possible. Asking for a commitment might not work.

My friend, who is not my gf, doesn't answer my text messages or answers very late, like two days.

I'm getting very close to the decision to finally get her out of my life and my thoughts, which is very hard - I know.

I plan to get a new phone number along with a new contcat, which I need anyway. In that case, she won't be able to contact me, at least not on my cell.

There is soemthing else to consider. Even if he could commit to a closer relationship with you, like a romantic rs, keep in mind, he'll still be a BPD and you'll have to expect everything that you are afriad of and don't want. That normally does not change without a long term and successful therapy.

I wish you strenght and much luck.

I think you answered this (or he did) in your first post:


I would be careful talking about what's in his full head... .unless you can get out of your own head... .to listen and validate what he is saying. He has concerns, fears, etc. Give him support, understanding. You have concerns, fears. Get your support and understanding here, or with a therapist or trusted friend. pwBPD aren't very good at reciprocating. They're terrible at giving us the assurances WE need! We have to assure ourselves that whatever happens, we'll be ok. We don't have BPD. We're fine!  :)

Try to relax and BE YOURSELF - the kind, caring, wonderful person you are! He likes that girl (you)! That's the girl he wants to see, the one who has a key to his place!

See if you can let go of the need to know where you're headed right now. You'll know in time. Try to clear the negative thoughts and fears. You are fretting over things he hasn't even done yet, and may never do. I am guilty of doing the same - studying the past, worrying about the future. Neither is helpful to my own mental health. Why suffer over things from the past that I can't change, or a future that hasn't even happened yet?  As Juju said... ."just be present".

Yes, it's been 5 months since we first broke up, so 5 months of these struggles now already. Such a long time.

He is not diagnosed BPD though, so maybe he just has traits and we could work it out better. But I know you're right, we probably won't have a very happy future together. It's just so hard to let him go. Well, let's just see how the conversation goes tonight. I really hope he's open for an actual conversation and wants to explain his feelings and how he wants things to continue. I hope he'll be honest, so that I can make my decision based on that.

But I just need to know if, when I wait to see how things go when he's busier again, there will be a chance he wants to be together. I don't want to continue with this if he doesn't see any future for us and I'm just someone to keep him from being lonely and to give him company until he finds someone he likes better.

I don't have a key to his place anymore by the way. I gave that back when he came back from holiday. I asked if he wanted it back and he said that it was fine if I kept it but that he didn't really see the need of it (which is true, we never had eachother's keys while we were in a committed relationship either).

I'll try to be more present, but I need to at least know that we're still exclusive.

And this is fair.

One caution... .when I asked mine anything about our "status" during a limbo phase... .I got "well I don't know what the future holds. I could meet someone. You could meet someone." Ugh. What I heard was "you'll do for now".  That's the problem - you may still not get the answer you crave, which is "of course! I only want to be with you forever and ever."  Once I let go of the long term outcome and expecting him to assure me, things fell into place naturally.

It’s over

Hey Blooming,

Would you like to tell us more on what happened?

Sending you best wishes.

I'm so sorry, Blooming. Hope you're ok.

    

  I'm sorry. 

I'm sorry too, it sucks big time. But I really think it'll be better in the end. Although it doesn't feel like that right now of course.

So yesterday was nice at first, we cooked together and went to get an ice cream and drank wine together and talked. I felt very reluctant about starting the conversation, but I knew I needed to do it because it's just the only thing that's been on my mind since friday and I couldn't sleep because of it.

At least it was a good conversation. He didn't get angry or try to cut me off and really tried to give me the answers I needed. His life is just too full for a relationship at the moment. His head is too full to have to think of me too. He didn't want the commitment of having to message me or having to see me or having to visit my parents or having too make decisions together with me. He doesn't have space in his head to think further ahead than a week, so there's no space for me either. And he had doubts about me too, it wasn't just about whether or not about he has space in his life/head for a relationship but also if he wanted to even have a relationship with me. He said things like "I'm not going to convince you to go on with this, because I don't want to hurt you" and "Why don't you just put yourself first?" and "I just hope that you can walk away now without crying a single tear" (that's when I said "Okay, then I'll do that" and I left), so in the end he actually helped me to make the decision to walk away from this.

Because at some point in the conversation I had almost made the decision to go through with it and to see how things would go the upcoming three weeks if he got even more busy.

But he didn't want to fight for me at all, he really didn't care about whether or not I walked away. I think he realised that this situation wasn't good for me, only good for him. And I think he knew that there was zero chance of him really wanting to be with me again, so that he couldn't ask me to stay for longer because we wanted such different things.

It's probably better this way. He doesn't want me anymore, not like he used to. I need to accept that. I need to put myself first, just like he told me to do yesterday.

It hurts though, it hurts that he can let me go so easily.

Blooming,

I’m so sorry. I know you’re heartbroken because you put everything into him and this isn’t how you wanted it to work out.

I’ve been following your story, and I admired how well you have handled it.  Even more so now. You knew what you wanted from him,  you stated it, and you left with integrity on your own terms.  It may not feel good right now, but you’ll come to appreciate—in time—how this ended for you.

Many of us never get that final conversation.  In my case, she told me she still loved me the last time we met (the words came out and she immediately clasped her hand to her mouth as if she was surprised that she uttered it.). I think it would have been easier for me to know she didn’t.

The next few days and possibly weeks will be very difficult for you.  You’re an active woman—keep being that.  Take care of yourself.

Keep posting if you feel up to it.  We all share your pain and are pulling for you to get through this.

Best,
Stixx

Thank you for your sweet message Stixx,

Sometimes I felt like I was making the wrong decision doing this because of what some people on this site told me. But I can't ignore my own feelings, I can't pretend that I'm fine with this situation when I'm not. It's probably not a good trait that I couldn't be more relaxed in this situation, but I just needed security and trust. This situation was eating me up. And why would I stay in a situation of which I'm 99% certain that it won't have a happy ending? If I would've continued like this he probably would have ended it in a few weeks time. I don't think there was any way this could have worked.

I don't really feel like I left with integrity and on my own terms though. I feel like he kind of convinced me to leave during that conversation. Because at one point I proposed to go through with this for a few weeks to see how things would work out if he was busier, but then he asked me why I didn't just put myself first. It kind of sucks that it feels like he was the one who made the decision and not me. I wish I could've been stronger in that aspect and stood my ground more and be stronger. But I guess that wasn't realistic because I wasn't sure about this decision and I still hoped that he would convince me to do otherwise. He just didn't.

Yes I know the upcoming weeks will be hard, just like it was hard the last three times, when he broke up with me. It feels a little different now too, more definitive. I really don't think he'll come back again. That makes it even harder.

With love,
Blooming

B

So sorry for what you are going thru.

It takes a strong person, you are, and you can take it one day at a time.

I told you that i support your choice, whatever you choose.

After all the ups/downs I have been going through,
I see that caring support is precious to me.  No one here judges me, just support and guide me through the next thing.

This community is solid and here for you.

juju

Blooming, I'm very sorry about this end, at the same time, not knowing you, I'm very proud of you.
You handled the situation very well, don't be angry on yourself that you didn't actively made that decision.

This moment, this decision was in the air as long as I've read your posts. I do well understand how difficult it can be to give up hope for a better relationship.

And yes, the next weeks will be difficult for you, but we're all here to listen and support you!

I'm in a simular situation to end a friendship, which was not intimate, but had everything in it that is so typical for BPD.
I'll cut off contact next week when I get my new cell phone number, I don't even want to know if she'll text me or call - I won't be there anymore.

Today, after having read so much on this board in the past weeks, and that I've written about it myself, I know why I met this woman and what happened emotionally and phsycholgically with me.

Fortunately, I'm in a good position, being married to a wonderful, caring and healthy woman, now together since 29 years, two great sons. I never had an affair, this particular woman came into my heart deeply, due to my own childhood trauma, that was hard to get to and to understand myself.

However I also struggle with the good times with her, the love bombing and how wonderful it felt.
it is what people like to say: "If things are too good to be true, they aren't true".

My wife, my family is my past and my future.

I would like to suggest to you, if not already done, be active and do nice activities and see your friends and family, they will help you through this also.

Best wishes

Hi Blooming, I hope you're ok. I assume you spoke with him and it didn't go well? You needed to know, and if it's really over be good to yourself, it sounds like you gave it your all. Give yourself time to mourne the loss, and someday you'll be ready to move on.

Hi B

just checking on you.

You have a community here.

You are a kind loving lady, be gentle with yourself.

So much w our loved ones w PBD is like a mystery novel.

And who knows how the story ends?

juju

Thank you so much for checking on me Juju, that's very sweet of you. I notice that being on this site is a bit hard for me now, because it makes me doubt my decisions. So many people here are doing everything to have their pwBPD back in their life and to have what I had. But I don't think I'd ever be certain about a decision this big. It's never easy to let someone go who you love so very much. I saw a quote yesterday though, which very much resonated with me "Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option". That's very much what it felt like for me. I just wasn't happy in the situation, it made me so extremely anxious and nervous and prevented me from living my life in so many ways. He just didn't want to make any compromises, he only thought of himself and what was the best situation for him, he said as much to me. A relationship shouldn't work like that. Someone needs to make you feel happy and good about yourself and like he enjoys spending time with you and talking with you. It was so very different from what it used to be like.

It's hard though, because I know that all of this is mostly because he's not doing well and is stuck inside his head an very stressed about his study, which prevents him from having space in my head for me. He's scared that I'll be an extra stress factor in his life and when we call it a relationship it won't be as fun as it was.

I also feel like I failed, because he has had previous relationships which lasted longer than ours (although our relationship was the longest consecutive relationship he had, in previous relationships the first break up was earlier). So it makes me feel like I failed him and us and like I'm not good enough. Of course, the situation then was different. He wasn't as stressed as he is now and had more time for a relationship, I think.

But he'll probably find someone new, even though he says he doesn't have time or energy for that. He's so charming and attractive, he doesn't really need to put a lot of energy in finding someone. That hurts a lot. The idea of it working out with someone else while it didn't with me.

Blooming,

You didn't fail. You made the right decision for yourself. That takes strength and courage. Staying with him under the circumstances he was offering didn't match your values. This is exactly when we are supposed to have boundaries, to protect ourselves and our values. You weren't obliged to stand by him at a cost to your own well-being. I hope that now you can find the peace and happiness you deserve. 

Wishing you all the best!

Jessica is correct - you DID NOT fail.

You both have different priorities.  You want a relationship where you don't have to guess where you stand.  He wants something casual, where he can see someone or not and it won't matter.  You want exclusivity.  He wants to feel he can date around as his moods take him.

There are lots of reasons people who like each other just don't mesh well enough to stay together.  It's totally okay to like someone but realize they are not a good fit as a partner, and you want a partner, not a (going to be crude here) f**k buddy. 

You deserve someone who does not feel it's a burden to respond when you send a message, someone who can help you through tough times as much as you try to help them.  Someone who does not say things like "your problems are just too much for me, but let's hang out or sleep together when I feel like it." 

He will likely in the short run continue to date around, and you will likely (if your circle of friends is still the same people) learn about it.  This is NOT a rejection of you as a person, it is him avoiding the responsibility that comes with the kind of relationship you deserve.  And with BPD, he's likely to go on a LOT of "first dates" as he looks for someone to replace the emotional supply he got from you, and as others learn more about him, they run away.

Continue to take your time, heal, be honest with what you want.  Your gut instincts seem to be getting stronger and better able to tell you what you need to do to keep yourself from really deep hurt in the long run, even if it means some hurt right now.  Keep listening to them, they seem to be steering you towards a healthier future :)

     Keep

Blooming,  I know how you feel.  I think you made the right decision.  It’s tough knowing that you could still have a “kind of” relationship with him, but it will all be on his terms.  You deserve better than that.

I know that I could drive over to my ex’s house right now and we could probably spend a great day together.  But that’s all it would be for her.  As soon I as left, I’d be out of her mind.  I don’t want bits and pieces.

Stay strong.  Wishing you peace of mind.

Stixx

It’s not like he wanted to date around though, he was very much agreeing on the fact that we were exclusive, that wasn’t a question for him. That’s why I don’t understand. It was pretty much a relationship already. We were exclusive, we saw eachother 3 times a week, we were having a Good time. I just don’t understand what was so difficult for him. Because in my eyes there would not have been a big difference between what we had and a relationship.

Blooming,
Me and my ex were the same. We were exclusive. But she didnt want the title. Maybe it scared her. Maybe have the title "ex" was too much. Maybe making it official, meant it could hurt much more when it ends? Same dynamics with my partner. She put me first, we hung out, talked 24/7. She was my better half. Yet she didnt want to be official, and it made me wonder if she was just with me for a good time until someone new came along? Was she just using me? Did she not see a future with me that after 3 years she couldnt commit? It made me feel very insecure of myself. Looking back now she did love me and what we had was real. However, with BPD. its different and they are afraid of commitment and titles too more than us. My ex would never call me her boyfriend. But looking back a week or two on her blog, she called me her ex-boyfriend finally when she was talking about me. So who knows?

I send you virtual hugs

But my ex did call me his girlfriend for a year, so that makes it even weirder that he didn’t want to anymore now, right? It’s just hard.