He isn't ready for a relationship now, should I wait for him? Help

[blooming]

Any advice on what would be the best approach to have the conversation I mentioned in my reply above with him? I don't want to say the wrong things.

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[juju2]

Hi B

Just be present.

When I am taking really good self care (what have I done for self care, today, yesterday, the day before that)
It doesn't matter what they say, don't say etc.

I can take pressure off of them.  They don't owe me a thing, and that feels Great!

Friends and family are unreliable I have found.  They are invested in me feeling 'better'.  Get rid of whomever is hurting me.  They only know what I tell them.

I need a trusted friend, whom I share everything w.

She knows i just need her to listen... .I need to vent... .I don't need her advice.

i see your ego may be running you.  It tries to run me, all the time!

Whenever I am in the mode "I have to do this, I have to ask this question, I have to etc, etc.

Especially if it's urgent.  My ego operates in urgent mode... .
That is my flag that i am headed for a rabbit hole... .

It's not me.  My ego isn't my true self.

All of these things direct me to slow down.  Find out what is really going on w me... ?

[MyBPD_friend]

Blooming, I see how much you hurting. I read most of your posts and earlier threats and you've been struggeling for a long time, without much change.

When I brought up my issue with my BPD female friend, who I like very much, it was clearly recommended to avoid more cotact to to cut her off completely (by specialists and non specialists on BPD).
Now after almost a year with push and pull, no contact, little contact, silent treatment, no answers, no discussion I clearly see they were right.

BPD people have hard times talking about their issues, if that's possible at all, mostly not possible. Asking for a commitment might not work.

My friend, who is not my gf, doesn't answer my text messages or answers very late, like two days.

I'm getting very close to the decision to finally get her out of my life and my thoughts, which is very hard - I know.

I plan to get a new phone number along with a new contcat, which I need anyway. In that case, she won't be able to contact me, at least not on my cell.

There is soemthing else to consider. Even if he could commit to a closer relationship with you, like a romantic rs, keep in mind, he'll still be a BPD and you'll have to expect everything that you are afriad of and don't want. That normally does not change without a long term and successful therapy.

I wish you strenght and much luck.

[Jessica84]

But if he says that he does like me, but that he isn't sure if he wants to be in a relationship now because he's so busy, than maybe that would be different. 

I think you answered this (or he did) in your first post:

He said that he thought things we're going fine (or good, I don't really remember which of the two he used) at the moment, but that he wasn't ready to label what we had. He said he wasn't ready for the commitment that came with a relationship yet. And that he first wanted to see how things would be in the upcoming weeks, when he'll be a lot busier. He said that his head was still was very full and that was why he didn't really feel the need for a relationship.

I would be careful talking about what's in his full head... .unless you can get out of your own head... .to listen and validate what he is saying. He has concerns, fears, etc. Give him support, understanding. You have concerns, fears. Get your support and understanding here, or with a therapist or trusted friend. pwBPD aren't very good at reciprocating. They're terrible at giving us the assurances WE need! We have to assure ourselves that whatever happens, we'll be ok. We don't have BPD. We're fine! 

Try to relax and BE YOURSELF - the kind, caring, wonderful person you are! He likes that girl (you)! That's the girl he wants to see, the one who has a key to his place!

See if you can let go of the need to know where you're headed right now. You'll know in time. Try to clear the negative thoughts and fears. You are fretting over things he hasn't even done yet, and may never do. I am guilty of doing the same - studying the past, worrying about the future. Neither is helpful to my own mental health. Why suffer over things from the past that I can't change, or a future that hasn't even happened yet?  As Juju said... ."just be present".

[blooming]

Blooming, I see how much you hurting. I read most of your posts and earlier threats and you've been struggeling for a long time, without much change.

When I brought up my issue with my BPD female friend, who I like very much, it was clearly recommended to avoid more cotact to to cut her off completely (by specialists and non specialists on BPD).
Now after almost a year with push and pull, no contact, little contact, silent treatment, no answers, no discussion I clearly see they were right.

BPD people have hard times talking about their issues, if that's possible at all, mostly not possible. Asking for a commitment might not work.

My friend, who is not my gf, doesn't answer my text messages or answers very late, like two days.

I'm getting very close to the decision to finally get her out of my life and my thoughts, which is very hard - I know.

I plan to get a new phone number along with a new contcat, which I need anyway. In that case, she won't be able to contact me, at least not on my cell.

There is soemthing else to consider. Even if he could commit to a closer relationship with you, like a romantic rs, keep in mind, he'll still be a BPD and you'll have to expect everything that you are afriad of and don't want. That normally does not change without a long term and successful therapy.

I wish you strenght and much luck.

Yes, it's been 5 months since we first broke up, so 5 months of these struggles now already. Such a long time.

He is not diagnosed BPD though, so maybe he just has traits and we could work it out better. But I know you're right, we probably won't have a very happy future together. It's just so hard to let him go. Well, let's just see how the conversation goes tonight. I really hope he's open for an actual conversation and wants to explain his feelings and how he wants things to continue. I hope he'll be honest, so that I can make my decision based on that.

[blooming]

I think you answered this (or he did) in your first post:

I would be careful talking about what's in his full head... .unless you can get out of your own head... .to listen and validate what he is saying. He has concerns, fears, etc. Give him support, understanding. You have concerns, fears. Get your support and understanding here, or with a therapist or trusted friend. pwBPD aren't very good at reciprocating. They're terrible at giving us the assurances WE need! We have to assure ourselves that whatever happens, we'll be ok. We don't have BPD. We're fine! 

Try to relax and BE YOURSELF - the kind, caring, wonderful person you are! He likes that girl (you)! That's the girl he wants to see, the one who has a key to his place!

See if you can let go of the need to know where you're headed right now. You'll know in time. Try to clear the negative thoughts and fears. You are fretting over things he hasn't even done yet, and may never do. I am guilty of doing the same - studying the past, worrying about the future. Neither is helpful to my own mental health. Why suffer over things from the past that I can't change, or a future that hasn't even happened yet?  As Juju said... ."just be present".

But I just need to know if, when I wait to see how things go when he's busier again, there will be a chance he wants to be together. I don't want to continue with this if he doesn't see any future for us and I'm just someone to keep him from being lonely and to give him company until he finds someone he likes better.

I don't have a key to his place anymore by the way. I gave that back when he came back from holiday. I asked if he wanted it back and he said that it was fine if I kept it but that he didn't really see the need of it (which is true, we never had eachother's keys while we were in a committed relationship either).

I'll try to be more present, but I need to at least know that we're still exclusive.

[Jessica84]

I'll try to be more present, but I need to at least know that we're still exclusive.

And this is fair.

One caution... .when I asked mine anything about our "status" during a limbo phase... .I got "well I don't know what the future holds. I could meet someone. You could meet someone." Ugh. What I heard was "you'll do for now".  That's the problem - you may still not get the answer you crave, which is "of course! I only want to be with you forever and ever."  Once I let go of the long term outcome and expecting him to assure me, things fell into place naturally.

[blooming]

It’s over

[CryWolf]

Hey Blooming,

Would you like to tell us more on what happened?

Sending you best wishes.

[Jessica84]

I'm so sorry, Blooming. Hope you're ok.

    

[isilme]

  I'm sorry. 

[blooming]

I'm sorry too, it sucks big time. But I really think it'll be better in the end. Although it doesn't feel like that right now of course.

So yesterday was nice at first, we cooked together and went to get an ice cream and drank wine together and talked. I felt very reluctant about starting the conversation, but I knew I needed to do it because it's just the only thing that's been on my mind since friday and I couldn't sleep because of it.

At least it was a good conversation. He didn't get angry or try to cut me off and really tried to give me the answers I needed. His life is just too full for a relationship at the moment. His head is too full to have to think of me too. He didn't want the commitment of having to message me or having to see me or having to visit my parents or having too make decisions together with me. He doesn't have space in his head to think further ahead than a week, so there's no space for me either. And he had doubts about me too, it wasn't just about whether or not about he has space in his life/head for a relationship but also if he wanted to even have a relationship with me. He said things like "I'm not going to convince you to go on with this, because I don't want to hurt you" and "Why don't you just put yourself first?" and "I just hope that you can walk away now without crying a single tear" (that's when I said "Okay, then I'll do that" and I left), so in the end he actually helped me to make the decision to walk away from this.

Because at some point in the conversation I had almost made the decision to go through with it and to see how things would go the upcoming three weeks if he got even more busy.

But he didn't want to fight for me at all, he really didn't care about whether or not I walked away. I think he realised that this situation wasn't good for me, only good for him. And I think he knew that there was zero chance of him really wanting to be with me again, so that he couldn't ask me to stay for longer because we wanted such different things.

It's probably better this way. He doesn't want me anymore, not like he used to. I need to accept that. I need to put myself first, just like he told me to do yesterday.

It hurts though, it hurts that he can let me go so easily.

[stixx44]

Blooming,

I’m so sorry. I know you’re heartbroken because you put everything into him and this isn’t how you wanted it to work out.

I’ve been following your story, and I admired how well you have handled it.  Even more so now. You knew what you wanted from him,  you stated it, and you left with integrity on your own terms.  It may not feel good right now, but you’ll come to appreciate—in time—how this ended for you.

Many of us never get that final conversation.  In my case, she told me she still loved me the last time we met (the words came out and she immediately clasped her hand to her mouth as if she was surprised that she uttered it.). I think it would have been easier for me to know she didn’t.

The next few days and possibly weeks will be very difficult for you.  You’re an active woman—keep being that.  Take care of yourself.

Keep posting if you feel up to it.  We all share your pain and are pulling for you to get through this.

Best,
Stixx

[blooming]

Blooming,

I’m so sorry. I know you’re heartbroken because you put everything into him and this isn’t how you wanted it to work out.

I’ve been following your story, and I admired how well you have handled it.  Even more so now. You knew what you wanted from him,  you stated it, and you left with integrity on your own terms.  It may not feel good right now, but you’ll come to appreciate—in time—how this ended for you.

Many of us never get that final conversation.  In my case, she told me she still loved me the last time we met (the words came out and she immediately clasped her hand to her mouth as if she was surprised that she uttered it.). I think it would have been easier for me to know she didn’t.

The next few days and possibly weeks will be very difficult for you.  You’re an active woman—keep being that.  Take care of yourself.

Keep posting if you feel up to it.  We all share your pain and are pulling for you to get through this.

Best,
Stixx

Thank you for your sweet message Stixx,

Sometimes I felt like I was making the wrong decision doing this because of what some people on this site told me. But I can't ignore my own feelings, I can't pretend that I'm fine with this situation when I'm not. It's probably not a good trait that I couldn't be more relaxed in this situation, but I just needed security and trust. This situation was eating me up. And why would I stay in a situation of which I'm 99% certain that it won't have a happy ending? If I would've continued like this he probably would have ended it in a few weeks time. I don't think there was any way this could have worked.

I don't really feel like I left with integrity and on my own terms though. I feel like he kind of convinced me to leave during that conversation. Because at one point I proposed to go through with this for a few weeks to see how things would work out if he was busier, but then he asked me why I didn't just put myself first. It kind of sucks that it feels like he was the one who made the decision and not me. I wish I could've been stronger in that aspect and stood my ground more and be stronger. But I guess that wasn't realistic because I wasn't sure about this decision and I still hoped that he would convince me to do otherwise. He just didn't.

Yes I know the upcoming weeks will be hard, just like it was hard the last three times, when he broke up with me. It feels a little different now too, more definitive. I really don't think he'll come back again. That makes it even harder.

With love,
Blooming

[juju2]

B

So sorry for what you are going thru.

It takes a strong person, you are, and you can take it one day at a time.

I told you that i support your choice, whatever you choose.

After all the ups/downs I have been going through,
I see that caring support is precious to me.  No one here judges me, just support and guide me through the next thing.

This community is solid and here for you.

juju

[MyBPD_friend]

Blooming, I'm very sorry about this end, at the same time, not knowing you, I'm very proud of you.
You handled the situation very well, don't be angry on yourself that you didn't actively made that decision.

This moment, this decision was in the air as long as I've read your posts. I do well understand how difficult it can be to give up hope for a better relationship.

And yes, the next weeks will be difficult for you, but we're all here to listen and support you!

I'm in a simular situation to end a friendship, which was not intimate, but had everything in it that is so typical for BPD.
I'll cut off contact next week when I get my new cell phone number, I don't even want to know if she'll text me or call - I won't be there anymore.

Today, after having read so much on this board in the past weeks, and that I've written about it myself, I know why I met this woman and what happened emotionally and phsycholgically with me.

Fortunately, I'm in a good position, being married to a wonderful, caring and healthy woman, now together since 29 years, two great sons. I never had an affair, this particular woman came into my heart deeply, due to my own childhood trauma, that was hard to get to and to understand myself.

However I also struggle with the good times with her, the love bombing and how wonderful it felt.
it is what people like to say: "If things are too good to be true, they aren't true".

My wife, my family is my past and my future.

I would like to suggest to you, if not already done, be active and do nice activities and see your friends and family, they will help you through this also.

Best wishes

[madonnafan]

Hi Blooming, I hope you're ok. I assume you spoke with him and it didn't go well? You needed to know, and if it's really over be good to yourself, it sounds like you gave it your all. Give yourself time to mourne the loss, and someday you'll be ready to move on.

[juju2]

Hi B

just checking on you.

You have a community here.

You are a kind loving lady, be gentle with yourself.

So much w our loved ones w PBD is like a mystery novel.

And who knows how the story ends?

juju

[blooming]

Hi B

just checking on you.

You have a community here.

You are a kind loving lady, be gentle with yourself.

So much w our loved ones w PBD is like a mystery novel.

And who knows how the story ends?

juju

Thank you so much for checking on me Juju, that's very sweet of you. I notice that being on this site is a bit hard for me now, because it makes me doubt my decisions. So many people here are doing everything to have their pwBPD back in their life and to have what I had. But I don't think I'd ever be certain about a decision this big. It's never easy to let someone go who you love so very much. I saw a quote yesterday though, which very much resonated with me "Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option". That's very much what it felt like for me. I just wasn't happy in the situation, it made me so extremely anxious and nervous and prevented me from living my life in so many ways. He just didn't want to make any compromises, he only thought of himself and what was the best situation for him, he said as much to me. A relationship shouldn't work like that. Someone needs to make you feel happy and good about yourself and like he enjoys spending time with you and talking with you. It was so very different from what it used to be like.

It's hard though, because I know that all of this is mostly because he's not doing well and is stuck inside his head an very stressed about his study, which prevents him from having space in my head for me. He's scared that I'll be an extra stress factor in his life and when we call it a relationship it won't be as fun as it was.

I also feel like I failed, because he has had previous relationships which lasted longer than ours (although our relationship was the longest consecutive relationship he had, in previous relationships the first break up was earlier). So it makes me feel like I failed him and us and like I'm not good enough. Of course, the situation then was different. He wasn't as stressed as he is now and had more time for a relationship, I think.

But he'll probably find someone new, even though he says he doesn't have time or energy for that. He's so charming and attractive, he doesn't really need to put a lot of energy in finding someone. That hurts a lot. The idea of it working out with someone else while it didn't with me.

[Jessica84]

Blooming,

You didn't fail. You made the right decision for yourself. That takes strength and courage. Staying with him under the circumstances he was offering didn't match your values. This is exactly when we are supposed to have boundaries, to protect ourselves and our values. You weren't obliged to stand by him at a cost to your own well-being. I hope that now you can find the peace and happiness you deserve. 

Wishing you all the best!

[isilme]

Jessica is correct - you DID NOT fail.

You both have different priorities.  You want a relationship where you don't have to guess where you stand.  He wants something casual, where he can see someone or not and it won't matter.  You want exclusivity.  He wants to feel he can date around as his moods take him.

There are lots of reasons people who like each other just don't mesh well enough to stay together.  It's totally okay to like someone but realize they are not a good fit as a partner, and you want a partner, not a (going to be crude here) f**k buddy. 

You deserve someone who does not feel it's a burden to respond when you send a message, someone who can help you through tough times as much as you try to help them.  Someone who does not say things like "your problems are just too much for me, but let's hang out or sleep together when I feel like it." 

He will likely in the short run continue to date around, and you will likely (if your circle of friends is still the same people) learn about it.  This is NOT a rejection of you as a person, it is him avoiding the responsibility that comes with the kind of relationship you deserve.  And with BPD, he's likely to go on a LOT of "first dates" as he looks for someone to replace the emotional supply he got from you, and as others learn more about him, they run away.

Continue to take your time, heal, be honest with what you want.  Your gut instincts seem to be getting stronger and better able to tell you what you need to do to keep yourself from really deep hurt in the long run, even if it means some hurt right now.  Keep listening to them, they seem to be steering you towards a healthier future

     Keep

[stixx44]

Blooming,  I know how you feel.  I think you made the right decision.  It’s tough knowing that you could still have a “kind of” relationship with him, but it will all be on his terms.  You deserve better than that.

I know that I could drive over to my ex’s house right now and we could probably spend a great day together.  But that’s all it would be for her.  As soon I as left, I’d be out of her mind.  I don’t want bits and pieces.

Stay strong.  Wishing you peace of mind.

Stixx

[blooming]

Jessica is correct - you DID NOT fail.

You both have different priorities.  You want a relationship where you don't have to guess where you stand.  He wants something casual, where he can see someone or not and it won't matter.  You want exclusivity.  He wants to feel he can date around as his moods take him.

There are lots of reasons people who like each other just don't mesh well enough to stay together.  It's totally okay to like someone but realize they are not a good fit as a partner, and you want a partner, not a (going to be crude here) f**k buddy.  

You deserve someone who does not feel it's a burden to respond when you send a message, someone who can help you through tough times as much as you try to help them.  Someone who does not say things like "your problems are just too much for me, but let's hang out or sleep together when I feel like it."  

He will likely in the short run continue to date around, and you will likely (if your circle of friends is still the same people) learn about it.  This is NOT a rejection of you as a person, it is him avoiding the responsibility that comes with the kind of relationship you deserve.  And with BPD, he's likely to go on a LOT of "first dates" as he looks for someone to replace the emotional supply he got from you, and as others learn more about him, they run away.

Continue to take your time, heal, be honest with what you want.  Your gut instincts seem to be getting stronger and better able to tell you what you need to do to keep yourself from really deep hurt in the long run, even if it means some hurt right now.  Keep listening to them, they seem to be steering you towards a healthier future

     Keep

It’s not like he wanted to date around though, he was very much agreeing on the fact that we were exclusive, that wasn’t a question for him. That’s why I don’t understand. It was pretty much a relationship already. We were exclusive, we saw eachother 3 times a week, we were having a Good time. I just don’t understand what was so difficult for him. Because in my eyes there would not have been a big difference between what we had and a relationship.

[CryWolf]

It’s not like he wanted to date around though, he was very much agreeing on the fact that we were exclusive, that wasn’t a question for him. That’s why I don’t understand. It was pretty much a relationship already. We were exclusive, we saw eachother 3 times a week, we were having a Good time. I just don’t understand what was so difficult for him. Because in my eyes there would not have been a big difference between what we had and a relationship.

Blooming,
Me and my ex were the same. We were exclusive. But she didnt want the title. Maybe it scared her. Maybe have the title "ex" was too much. Maybe making it official, meant it could hurt much more when it ends? Same dynamics with my partner. She put me first, we hung out, talked 24/7. She was my better half. Yet she didnt want to be official, and it made me wonder if she was just with me for a good time until someone new came along? Was she just using me? Did she not see a future with me that after 3 years she couldnt commit? It made me feel very insecure of myself. Looking back now she did love me and what we had was real. However, with BPD. its different and they are afraid of commitment and titles too more than us. My ex would never call me her boyfriend. But looking back a week or two on her blog, she called me her ex-boyfriend finally when she was talking about me. So who knows?

I send you virtual hugs

[blooming]

Blooming,
Me and my ex were the same. We were exclusive. But she didnt want the title. Maybe it scared her. Maybe have the title "ex" was too much. Maybe making it official, meant it could hurt much more when it ends? Same dynamics with my partner. She put me first, we hung out, talked 24/7. She was my better half. Yet she didnt want to be official, and it made me wonder if she was just with me for a good time until someone new came along? Was she just using me? Did she not see a future with me that after 3 years she couldnt commit? It made me feel very insecure of myself. Looking back now she did love me and what we had was real. However, with BPD. its different and they are afraid of commitment and titles too more than us. My ex would never call me her boyfriend. But looking back a week or two on her blog, she called me her ex-boyfriend finally when she was talking about me. So who knows?

I send you virtual hugs

But my ex did call me his girlfriend for a year, so that makes it even weirder that he didn’t want to anymore now, right? It’s just hard.