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Hi Again

Ive been going back and forth with my BPD gf, and the latest is that I am on the fence. Not a week went by that she would break it off. I finally got to the point on which I let it rip. I just vent out my frustration of a year in one night. I had tried every recommended form of communication without consistent results, and this particular night I had my fill. I left, and next day, when my jets had cooled off a bit, I let her know I still loved her, and that if she decided to get help, I was there.

I contacted her a few times over the days, trying to reassure her this was not I am abandoning you situation, but it got old real quick of getting bashed over the head each and every-time. As usual, the ":)o not contact me ever again, I eradicated you from my life" broken record was played. So, I did just that. I let all of it go.

Now, a month later, out of the blues, she sends me a picture of us together. I decided not to do a thing. Two days later, being that yesterday, I received another picture of a town we went to on our first months together. Here is the catch, it is via watsapp. She blocked me, even some days before I finally blew, and now, she connects, send me the pics, and blocks the app again.

At this time I am not sure what to do. Acknowledge that I received them by posting a pic of us together and another from the same town? Just saying, "Hi," or just wait until she finally actually writes something? I know this can be just a, "I feel lonely all of the sudden," and means nothing, or a re engagement maneuver. I am concerned that if I engage before she actually writes anything all I will achieve is giving her a chance to feel empowered, and allow her to go into that, "I got you" mentality BPDs are famous for, or if this her way of wanting for me to take a step towards, "It is true, he is not abandoning me," and wanting to give this another try. I know that I am asking for some degree of fortune telling here, nevertheless, I figure someone must have experience with this kind of situation.  

We went together to a therapy session, and I have kept on going. Lots of changes had happened on my side of the street. I am clearer on what I want. I would like to give us an opportunity, if some kind of commitment on her part comes with it. If not, even though I would not prefer it, I can do no contact. I will not go back to how things were without having at least a glimmer of hope that some steps are taken towards making changes for the better.

 

Hi GD39,


This is typical black and white thinking another way of saying this could be Im really upset right now and need my space instead of saying things that are so final. It depends on what you want, you didn’t mention what where the big issues that made her react that way so I’m just speculating I think that she’s just putting her feelers out she probably feels ashamed for the things that she’s done / said hence reblocking you on Whatsapp

im with Mutt here. sometime after my ex broke up, i received a facebook friend request that was retracted a couple of hours later. some months later, she did it again.

its a feeler, but shes feeling very vulnerable and possibly afraid of being rejected.

unfortunately, theres not a lot you can do with that, if shes going to send it and then block you. i suspect if you went out of your way to ask her "whats up", it would catch her off guard and not go well.

how long is she taking to block you after she sends these pictures? depending on your answer, i think either of these:


are appropriate.

Thanks for your replies guys!

"It depends on what you want, you didn’t mention what where the big issues that made her react that way"

We were supposed to start living together during the weekends as a "practice run," before deciding to make it full time. Doing so implicated that both had to move to another town midway between our current homes. This is when taking time to be together it started to get harder and harder. What I want? For us to move forward with the plan.

so I’m just speculating I think that she’s just putting her feelers out she probably feels ashamed for the things that she’s done / said hence reblocking you on Whatsapp

Not too sure about that. It has been a frequent punishment tactic.

Its a feeler, but shes feeling very vulnerable and possibly afraid of being rejected.

Ill bite then. So, if I ignore the messages, most likely it will be interpreted as rejection?


Unfortunately, there's not a lot you can do with that, if shes going to send it and then block you. i suspect if you went out of your way to ask her "whats up", it would catch her off guard and not go well.

How long is she taking to block you after she sends these pictures? depending on your answer, i think either of these:

I couldnt tell on the first one, because I didnt notice it had come in until hours later. As for the last one, it just happened I was having dinner, and it appeared to me she stayed for about an hour. She was used for me to answer he messages immediately. I took it as she waited for a bit trying to see if I would react.

Acknowledge that I received them by posting a pic of us together and another from the same town? Just saying, "Hi,"

I will then move ahead with that plan. I appreciate the support. Ill let you guys how it goes. It just occured to me that yes, its what I really want to do. To let her know I'm still around. I am liberating myself of the outcome. If she keeps on trying to make contact great, if she goes underground  again for who knows how long, I will not stress over it. Most likely she will show up again.

So many possibilities of why the picture of the getaway.  The kids are in Spring Break this week. One thing that is coming up as well is her daughter's, and that was the occasion for our first get away. The last thing that popped in my mind as well, is that we were using the phone messenger, but pics were not going through, so we had to use watsapp  for that. Her actions have been purposeful, so yes, the feelers might be a possibility.

Well guys, and update as promised. I did replied with pics in watsapp, and let her know via messenger that they were there. She replied to the messenger stating she had seen them. Obviously in private mode, because I didn't see that she had received them. Still trying to figure out what was the deal. It just happened that we had a chat through watsapp and she did not block me after it was done, however, I dont know if that is gonna hold. Many times she would just leave a conversation without closure, meaning, no see you later or something of the sort. That said, I decided to cut off while I was ahead. Have yet to read her last messages, and might wait a couple of days to reply, just as she did. While we were online she kept on playing with adding pics on her profile, just to settle to the one she had originally with her daughter. Again, cant tell what is the deal. If you guys have an idea, please let me know. Is easier to see from the outside. Here I thought I was all so on solid ground, and came to realize that little interaction with her shook me to the core. Bottom line, I yet love her, and miss her deeply. Nevertheless, one of her pics clearly depicted she is back to her destructive ways. I wonder if that is why she has contacted me.  Please HELP.

I know how it feels to wonder "what the heck" are they thinking? Trying to find answers or what any of their actions mean.  Its self torture my friend. I have been torturing myself until this moment to just have an "idc" attitude towards her. My exBPD pushed me away after i tried to plead for her after the breakup. finally stopped. then she started plastering all over her blog about me and lies to get my attention or how she sees me. started posting male classmates names under pics and videos she posted. saying how much she loves them when she never really said that about anyone. sees me on campus and runs away or when walks past me turns her head and smiles. I go crazy what this means. why when i stop the attention and chasing she tries different tactics.

Hear you brother. I know is an exercise in futility. Today I am feeling a bit stronger. I read her messages and it was a follow up on the previous ones. Very casual stuff. Lets see how it goes. Still unblocked, though.

GD39,

Hey man... .offhand I don't think I've posted in your threads before.  Looking forward to knowing more about your story.  If I have posted and forgotten... .apologies... .I'm on the tail end of some kind of inner ear infection... thing... .I'm still not nearly my best.

So... .after skimming this post... .I have some very general things to say and I would ask that you reflect on them.

What future do I see as a reasonable outcome with girl... .knowing that I know up to this point? 

What are some things she and only she can do, without which, that future isn't going to happen?

What are some things that I and only I can do, without which, that future isn't going to happen?

What is my life like right now?

What will my life be like after i get to that "reasonable outcome" that I talked about above?

What will my life look like if I do my part... .we "almost" get there after a year of hard work... .and then the relationship remains ambiguous?

Take some time... .think about this.

Yes... .I have very very specific reasons for asking what I have asked... .I'll reveal more after reading your answers.

FF

So... .|iiii  for working through these questions in therapy.

I completely understand how difficult they can be.

So... .you have been together for how many years?

Finances together?  property together?

Kids together?  (just making sure).

One of the questions in life that you should have the answer to... .  "Where am I at?"  "Where am I going?"

Then... figure out where important relationships may fit in those answers.  Then figure out if there are relationships that just don't fit in those plans and should be deliberately excluded.

So... .is it correct to say that you are putting your life on hold and chasing this girl because you "love her"?

I'm making the decisions I make because... .

Almost there... .:)

FF

So... .you have been together for how many years? One, going on two.

Finances together?  property together? No. We had planned on moving together twice.

Kids together?  (just making sure). No, but she has younger children, so they would be part of the household if that happens.

One of the questions in life that you should have the answer to... .  "Where am I at?"  "Where am I going?" Where am I at, is where I am at. No thoughts, or speculations. All I want at this time is to keep the job I have. I have done contracts all across the nation, and I am tired of the traveling. I finally found a place I like, and the contract is for renewal consideration soon. Hope it goes well. Where am I going? That is not clear. All depends on what happens with the contract. I would like to buy a house where I am at currently. 

Then... figure out where important relationships may fit in those answers.  Then figure out if there are relationships that just don't fit in those plans and should be deliberately excluded. Probably ours would fit nowhere since she wants what she wants, when she wants it, and how she wants it. One day she says lets move together, sometimes even the same day, is like if it was not discussed, or she goes and does something that puts everything on hold ONCE AGAIN.

So... .is it correct to say that you are putting your life on hold and chasing this girl because you "love her"? My life is not on hold by any means. I am going out with several ladies, and have been doing some self-care that I have neglected by spending my time and money with her. I am not chasing her. I let go, and now she is the one coming into the picture. It has risen A LOT of emotions! I was fine letting go, now, I am aching again for her companionship.

I'm making the decisions I make because... .I like her company when we are good, I enjoy being with her, I adore our sex life, our conversations are like no other. In the meantime, I am looking for alternatives in filling the time that I was spending with her. Right now I am playing it cool by not contacting her immediately. That is huge for me.

Almost there... .grin

FF

Well, apparently, the new tactic is working. Previously, I would answer his messages almost immediately. Now, I am leaving the exact time she takes from one reply to another. We text on Sunday, and since she waited day and a half to send her reply, I did the same. While doing so, she text again yesterday. I replied today. I have to reverse some of the behaviors she got used to if we are going to make this work, if this is her attempt to engage me again. Nevertheless, I don't want this to become a tit for tat. On the contrary, it would be great if we could treat each other with consideration. Thoughts?

This is very wise on your part!

In fact... .I might urge you to tack a little extra time on there.  Much better to have the "slightly interested" in hearing from you... .than "slightly annoyed" or worse that you are pestering them.

I would bet that over time, as you understand their emotional cycles much better, that you can tweak this again in ways that are helpful to emotional stability of the relationship.

Again... .very very wise of you and very good that you can step back and understand the impact of YOUR decisions on the relationship.

FF

Hey... .I'm very glad you are in T and it has helped you clarify what you want. 

I would hope that in T you have developed the "reasons" why you continue to pursue this relationship, given all that you know about it.

I'm glad you are pursuing other relationships and your life isn't on hold. 

So... .tell me what you romantic relationships look like in a  year... .where are you driving this?

FF

I agree with Formflier. Very wise to step back. I do this during the push and pull cycles. If he pushes, I pull back. If he pulls, I stand steady so as not to be lured in by his charm. Best way I know to stay "grounded". 

Sounds like she's dipping her toes in to test the waters. Just don't make it feel like a "game". If she senses that, it won't go well. Feel free to mix it up! Take varying amounts of time to reply. This lets her know you're interested, but not desperate.

Since you aren't in a "relationship" with her, you don't have to act as if you are (by responding immediately). For that matter, even if you were in a r/s with her, you don't have to respond as fast as she'd like.

Mine panicked yesterday when I didn't answer the phone. He called 3 calls in a row. Once he reached me, he blasted me with "Thank God!" Told me his mind started racing about what he could've done to upset me so bad, couldn't think of anything, then got mad and demanded to know WHY I was so upset? Lordy! All I said was "Hello".  :)  He called before 7am. I was still asleep. I had the sleepy voice so he calmed down, relieved to know I wasn't avoiding him. Point is... .we have lives. We are not at their beck and call.

First of all, thanks to the both of you for your input. Honestly, its scary for me the path I am taking. Scary because I want to play my cards right, and also, because what if I am successful in revamping the relationship and it just is a repeat of many of the members experience, that is a recycle, and the relationship ends even worse than before.


This is very wise on your part! Thanks. I really needed that pat in the back.

I would bet that over time, as you understand their emotional cycles much better, that you can tweak this again in ways that are helpful to emotional stability of the relationship. I haven't been able to see cycles. She can change her mind multiple times a day. It appears that when her finances are in shambles, or when we discuss about living together, she starts the down hill streak. When we are together by ourselves, for the most part everything is great. I sure would like for other members to help me on how to identify cycles.

Again... .very very wise of you and very good that you can step back and understand the impact of YOUR decisions on the relationship. Not really sure what that is just yet. The only thing I have seen that impacts her from me is if I say no when enforcing boundaries or my reaction in regards on how she spends money.

I would hope that in T you have developed the "reasons" why you continue to pursue this relationship, given all that you know about it. Recently I discovered that my mom most likely had BPD.

I'm glad you are pursuing other relationships and your life isn't on hold. So... .tell me what you romantic relationships look like in a  year... .where are you driving this? So far, none is panning out.

I agree with Formflier. Very wise to step back. I do this during the push and pull cycles. If he pushes, I pull back. If he pulls, I stand steady so as not to be lured in by his charm. Best way I know to stay "grounded". Could you offer examples on what does it look like. She replied a few hours later the message I sent as a response to her last one. She didn't most likely before that because she didn't have internet connection. Her phone has been acting crazy for some time, and I refused to purchase her another. Reasons are a story for another day. The response was funny, but by this time I am getting antsy trying to figure out what are her intentions. The first message she sent this time around was a picture of us together. I am sort of debating on asking her if it is that she wants to talk about it, just missed "us," or what is going on. Probably, it is not the time, but I would like for one of you guys that might have gone through this what is the best next step. I am not planning to reply to her last message until Friday since it is her daughter's birthday. I planning on sending an e-card and a picture of where we celebrated it last year.

Sounds like she's dipping her toes in to test the waters. Just don't make it feel like a "game". If she senses that, it won't go well. Feel free to mix it up! Take varying amounts of time to reply. This lets her know you're interested, but not desperate. That is the point. To me, the whole thing is a game in which I am a complete novice since I haven't EVER done anything like this.

Mine panicked yesterday when I didn't answer the phone. He called 3 calls in a row. Once he reached me, he blasted me with "Thank God!" Told me his mind started racing about what he could've done to upset me so bad, couldn't think of anything, then got mad and demanded to know WHY I was so upset? Lordy! All I said was "Hello".  grin  He called before 7am. I was still asleep. I had the sleepy voice so he calmed down, relieved to know I wasn't avoiding him. Point is... .we have lives. We are not at their beck and call. This kind of desperation is not her. Maybe Ive been the recipient of something like this five times or so, but not in that intensity. If anything, she is more likely to withdraw than pursue. Most of the time I did the pursuing, and then she would tell me the hell it was, occasionally, to be separated, i.e. how alone she was, if I knew how she cried I wouldn't have left... .etc. The other side of that is, she doesn't remember the horrible things she had done or said prior until I finally break and need a breather.

If I remember right... .you were making a deliberate decision to take more time to consider your response.

2 advantages.

1.  It gives you time to think it through... .so something healthy and helpful comes out of your mouth (or keyboard)

2.  It allows your partner time to calm and collect themselves... .increasing the likelihood they will "hear" what you actually have to say.

Broad statement:  most pwBPD likely have a need to "immediately fix" whatever emotional thing is going on.  "Slowing things down" is a good thing for just about any pwBPD"

FF

I can't speak for her, but I have a similar experience... .after a breakup, my BPDbf sent me a picture of me. So I replied with one of him. Then nothing. No response back from him. Then a few hours later, "hope you are well". I had NO idea what to make of any of this! So I left it alone. Next morning, I got "Hope you have a good day". So I replied "You too". Totally nothing, random texts. Soon after, he worked up the nerve to call me. We were talking again.

The random photo and meaningless texts were his way of reopening the line of communication. There is a degree of shame/embarrassment with BPD... .as you call it... ."pride". In my case, a sudden breakup was usually an impulsive decision, and one he regretted once he calmed down and realized what he had done. Knowing this, and not wanting to add to his shame, I didn't rub it in his face. I didn't talk about our r/s, or what caused the breakup. I kept it light, moved forward, vowed to do better communicating in the future. Baby steps until we were back on track.

If you are usually the pursuer, she the withdrawer... .and now the roles are changing, that's good. You are both evolving. It is possible the r/s can evolve as well and maybe NOT end in disaster.  :)

... .after a breakup, my BPDbf sent me a picture of me. So I replied with one of him... .Then a few hours later, "hope you are well". I had NO idea what to make of any of this! So I left it alone. Next morning, I got "Hope you have a good day". So I replied "You too"... .random texts... .We were talking again.

The random photo and meaningless texts were his way of reopening the line of communication. There is a degree of shame/embarrassment with BPD... .as you call it... ."pride"... .Knowing this, and not wanting to add to his shame, I didn't rub it in his face. I didn't talk about our r/s, or what caused the breakup. I kept it light, moved forward, vowed to do better communicating in the future. Baby steps until we were back on track.

If you are usually the pursuer, she the withdrawer... .and now the roles are changing, that's good. You are both evolving. It is possible the r/s can evolve as well and maybe NOT end in disaster.  :)



Well, here I am again! Did not think it was going to be this soon. Its amazing how similar they are. Isnt it?

THANKS FOR YOUR INPUT. It was really helpful to what end up transpiring this morning. It started the day with a "hey" on her part. As I stated, I waited an hour to reply. Even though she was not online, it appears she was waiting. First thing she wrote was that she was coming to her hometown on Saturday. I asked about her tooth (she needs to get an extraction), and told her I was going to her town on Saturday as well. She stated she might or not, but she wants to go to extract the tooth "even though it was not bothering much." I figured she was really trying hard to let me know she wanted for us to connect, so, I threw her a bone. I wrote that I was a bit confused with her messages, and I would want for her to clarify (putting it on her court as recommended here), if she was comfortable doing so, but that I couldn't talk about it until later today since I was busy. Truth is I wanted to get some input from you guys before taking the next step.

Next I wrote that" if I knew her at least a bit, it appears to me that she is feeling something that is keeping inside." There is some background story, but that is for another day.

Anyway, she replied immediately, "like what."

I am planning on my next interaction to first state that it has been brought to my attention that sometimes I just focus on the words, and not in the feelings behind them (another background story to this too), and clarify her feelings, as recommended here, for her by stating, that I believe that the picture was her way of saying that she missed us, or something like it, and that her letting me know she was coming to town was her way of saying she wanted to reconnect. Then I was planning on just stating that if that was right, I was open to do so.

What I found out is that I was shaking as a leaf, and my body temperature has been going up and down my spine ever since our interaction this morning. For some reason fear is the feeling most prevalent. I am trying to do the mindfulness, with some level of success. Let go of the outcome, you fear her rejection? The loosing her for not playing my card right? If it works, how can I state in a way that she might "hear" that things are not going to be the same? How to present the ways in which things are not going to be the same? And all sort of crazy thoughts and feelings. In one hand, I want to do this, on the other, I want to run the other way. When all is said and done, I rather do the first.

Help again guys!

i think this is a good approach.

id keep it light and be upbeat. trying to discuss her intentions with her may make her feel analyzed or cornered. could backfire big time.

if you want to connect/meet up, take the lead, set a date, make it happen.

I agree. I think I would've said something more along the lines of "hey I'll be in town too. Wanna grab a bite?"  Casual. If he said no, then "ok". If he said maybe, "ok, maybe we can talk about it later". If he said sure, take it from there... .

I wouldn't go into how we are going to solve our r/s problems or ask him why he's sending me pictures or tell him why I think he is. This would go south fast. (I know because I've done all this!) Too heavy for him. He was reaching out, but I (unknowingly) kept smacking him down with guilt/shame, which reaffirmed his decision to stay apart.  What did I know?  So... .I learned to keep it casual. See where things went first. No point in trying to figure out how to fix our issues if there isn't a r/s... .right? It's so easy to get ahead of ourselves. I've blown many good opportunities. So I take it one step at a time. Reconnecting means getting used to each other again. Trusting we won't get hurt. It's hard on both sides. Takes some focus... .and patience.

Hey jessica84

How long did it take your partner to reach out after the breakup?

About a month give or take. I sent a nonchalant message, and bottom line, she decided to stay in the city shes at for now. And its her daughter's birthday today. More to that, I told her we could get together if she wanted when she comes back, and basically stated that she didn't know when she was coming, but that yes, she wanted for us to get together. She tried for me to tell her what I missed about her, and got out of the conversation by telling her she could start, and she said, I miss you... .so I answered the same. I was not going to fall into that rabbit hole. However, it was one of the longest interactions we had had in quite a while.

 |iiii you did very well!

I can't relate to NC. I imagine it is painful, fully feeling the loss, the void. But this is also where you get strength, and time to process, grieve, heal.

Mine could never make it a full week without finding some reason to reach out. Even if I tried to ignore, I'd give in eventually. He made it hard to detach or heal from a breakup. Also a little crazymaking when one day we were broken up, the next day he's inviting me to a movie like it never happened. When I'd act confused, he'd tell me to stop living in the past... .the day before is the "past"? They may be able to turn it on/off like a switch, but it takes some of us a little longer to process things.

There are different levels of BPD torture... I mean post-breakup contact... .30 days, 6 months, years, 8 hours... . 

Thanks for the kudos. I would give my right arm for her to be the chasing kind. She is very detached. I am very surprised she even looked for me. For the first time, she invited me on her own to a family gathering. We are going out tomorrow and staying together for then night at a hotel. I am terrified.

Yes... Mine would break up with me, but then text me the day with bringing food at my work, or asking me if I was hungry. Or saying 'goodmorning" and I would still be mad and couldnt internalize what just happened.

Usually the breakups she would text the day or two. or I would cave in. Longest was a month. She deletes my number so it makes it impossible to contact me for her, so I would. 4 months now which is the torture.

keep us posted. let us know how it goes.

Well, it was one of the best weekends we had had together. We talked quite a bit, and she was able to give me an insight on BPD thinking that I have never pictured. You can read all you want, but is not until you have that Ahah! moment, that things start to make sense. Here a couple of tidbits that might help others, and that is why Im sharing. There was a menu in the room, and she pointed at it, and she said, "It is like that. I am in a 1000 pieces, and I want for everything to go right. One piece is you, another my family, another the kids, and I cant make them all right." That was when I understood about the over sensitivity that all readings stated, but I couldnt get, because I thought many of her actions lacked empathy towards me. I figured is she being overwhelmed.

Second tidbit: She asked, "Where does anger happen?" Being a "realistic man" as I consider myself, I pointed to my head. She said, "It happens here, here, and here," while pointing to her stomach, heart, and head. Right there she asked me about something that is disturbing to me, and asked, what did I feel about it... .she is smart... .she set the whole thing up perfectly to make her point. So I kept silent for a bit, thought, and started so say that I was going to get back to her on that... .and that was where I got tremendous insight from her... ."That is my point. You think, and then talk." Here I tried to explain that I do so, because I dont want to say things that I might regret... .and here is when I came to understand about... .do not take things personal when they attack you... ."I dont want it that way. When you think is not the real thing. I want for you to tell me how exactly feels at the moment. That is what I want for you to understand from me. When I am angry I will tell you, I want to get it out, and all I want from you is to listen to me. I will calm, and then I will come back to you."

Third insight... ."When I do something, all I want to hear from you is that you support me. Example, when I wanted to dye my hair, and I asked you about it, you said that you liked me just as I was. Why couldnt you support me?" I had to ask at that moment what she meant. "All I want is for you to tell me that you support what I need to do in order to feel that I am beautiful, a thing I need to do to feel good about myself, when I am feeling ugly."

Well, she eventually stated that she was very happy with me at a time, but that everything changed when I jumped into another relation. What she tends to forget about that part of the story is that we had discussed living together several times, and every time she would find a way to sabotage it, and that she had left me for the umpteenth time. Eventually, that relationship collapsed, because I couldnt get her out of my mind, and told her that. This is when things got finally into a course that made me believe that there might be a chance of reviving this, but, I know that was at that moment. Who knows if she follows through. Here was her input... ."What you dont get is that you replaced me. That was my spot, my position in your life, and you gave it to another." I interjected, to no avail, to let her know that was not the case, but figured I was JADING, and quit, and asked her to continue... .and here is when my jaw dropped... ."I love you, and I want to forgive you. I really do. I try so hard, but I am not able to put it to rest. At the start I thought it was all her, then I saw that you were guilty to, and I am trying to let it go in order to have something with you. YOU KNOW WHAT, I HAVE TO TALK TO THE THERAPIST TO GET SOME GUIDANCE ON HOW TO DO IT." For all the rejection I have received from her, it all made sense. I got to know that the fact that she wants to work on it means 10000 times more than what the average bear would mean by that. She said she will come to the town that is closest to us, and asked for me to approach the T for an appointment. Now all it takes is wait and see if she actually does that.

I had to ask if the purpose was to see if this could be solved, if she wanted to see our relationship prosper, and with the final goal of moving in together. She actually answered yes, that it was going to take her time, but that was what she really wanted.   

In conclusion, she stated that she had a very happy weekend, and that she had felt very loved. She did a couple of things for me that she hadn't done before, so I would like to believe that she actually has some deep set feelings for me, that are clouded by the BPD hell. Hopefully, I will be able to be of the ones that post a successful relationship story after all.

Thank you guys for your support!

it sounds like you are actively listening, with empathy. it can be amazing how much we learn, how much our partners really do communicate when we hear them.

you did well. what are your next steps?

 |iiii I'm so glad you had a nice weekend and are getting all this insight - straight from the source!

I've had a few light bulb moments myself... .helps to get out of own way and start hearing what they are saying, not how we are taking it (usually personally). Keep it up!

I was waiting a couple of days before answering. I don't know. I am sort of trying to push the issue since she is already postponing going to the therapist. Yesterday I was soo frustrated. We started chatting and the back and forth, accusations, and all the good jazz that they can bring to the table was a bit overwhelming. I end up just agreeing with her that she will let me know when, but the fact is I dont think I want to wait to much, because her follow through in most things regarding to me is not a priority, even though in her view, it is. I decided not to do ANY contact from now on until if or when she decides to do so. I am so fed up of the victim mentality, and entitlement. I am not sure how to take some of the things she told me yesterday, but I will share with you guys later. I just cant today since I am very emotional. For starters, I sent her some pictures of our weekend, and asked her about what we had agreed. She ignored the latter, and came up with that by looking at the pictures she was now more motivated to get braces. Well, in the morning her phone was busy, asked for her to pick up, she said she was busy and would let me know when she could talk. Few minutes later she texts, I tell her I would call her, she says no because she was driving. I asked if it wasnt harder to text, her explanation, she was on a stop. That was quite a long stop! I am so pissed about calling her and getting a message that she is on the phone, but barely talks with me! I texted during the day, and in the afternoon she replied letting me know that she couldnt communicate with me because she was not feeling well, and the oh so common excuse, that she is busy with the kids. ALL DAY EVERY DAY? Come on! Well, she ended up texting for quite a while, and one of the first things was if I was going to get her braces. I stated about how her interest flows that way, and that was the break point for her. How I dont help her... .yada... .yada... .I spent about 600 during the weekend, and of course that is not considered. Well, from that was that she could do it on her own... .and so on... .basically stating that being / living with me was not an option... .

Once I calmed down I tried to translate that in normal speech, and i think that was her way of saying that she is scared of not being able to do it, and scared of depending on me as well, but she does not see the circumstances that brought us here. Dont know what to do. In the end she stated that if I could wait fine, and if not that we tried. TRIED WHAT! I am always left waiting. I am so angry today that all I want is to tell her to fxxk off. But I keep on repeating to myself the phrase I learned here, ":)ont make it worse."

And here I said I was not going to write about it. ;-)... .there is in a nutshell the story. Of course there is more to it, but that is all I could let out for now.

Thanks. TRYING! As you can see by my previous post. It is driving me up the wall

Translation: I want to feel heard. Validate my feelings, I will calm down faster.


Translation: I don't feel heard. Validate my feelings.

From a woman's perspective, we often feel less than attractive. Some go to extremes to look their best. We compare ourselves to photoshopped magazine covers of models. Women pluck eyebrows, suffer wax pain, tan/burn skin, wear shoes that hurt... .    All to look "beautiful".

For a pwBPD, multiply the sucky feelings by 100.

She FEELS ugly, she FEELS the need to change her appearance. Her FEELINGS aren't wrong. Is she ugly? I doubt it! But does she FEEL ugly? Telling her she isn't is invalidating, that what she feels is wrong. Triggering. You don't have to agree with her--> "Yep, you look ugly". <-- definitely don't do that! 

Think of SET--> "Sure honey, I'm sorry you don't like your hair as it is, but I'm sure the new color will look great. (Sympathy/Support). Sucks to not feel at your best (Empathy). You will always be beautiful to me" (Truth). In your own words, of course... Does this make sense? These are the type of validating responses that can help keep the pot from boiling over.

she may be putting the brakes on. thats okay. this was until very recently a "do not contact me ever again" situation. going from 0-60 could blow things up.

id dial it back a bit.

Sure does... .I really need to practice, but it seems that I am quite unsuccessful. I actually writing this with tears on my eyes. I feel so frustrated that I just dont find the key.

You are right. I have to do so. So no contact until she does is fine?

i think its less about not contacting her, and more about seeing where the relationship is (and where its headed, or not) and having realistic expectations.

contact is only one component of that. i wouldnt go the other way on this, and do the "let her come to me" approach. id dial back the nature of the contact (lot of fighting, lot of JADEing), and perhaps the frequency of it, and id keep it light and upbeat, and not push for anything.

I was letting some time go by just to evaluate my response, and what is going on. Well, she postponed the therapist visit for a MONTH, as usual, everything else has priority over me, and no, I cannot keep it as not pushing for anything, because the issue is she has lied to me so many times, set up goals that never are achieved, promises broken over and over, that I just believe this was a thing of the moment and nothing is going to happen. I waited for over a year for us to live together, and THREE times whenever we were supposedly moving towards that she would RADICALLY change plans like moving to a new apartment without making part of the decision. I am feeling that this is more of the same, yes we will go to therapy, no next week, week after next, next month, and I keep on holding on to the words when the actions are saying the total opposite. HELPPPP! I am at my wits end! I am ready to just tell her to fxxk off, because the pain is too real, and there is no glimmer of her showing any consideration to my feelings. First it was one "thing I did," now more accusations are coming forth.

is her seeing a therapist a condition of getting back together, for you?

Hi GD39!

It's been a while for me... .I read your posts and things always seem to sound so familiar on these boards... .

Let me begin by saying that I feel for you. And I would like to share what I have learned over the past few years and several experiences: although I have learned and know a lot, I still seem to don't know a thing. Please be aware that this is true for even the most experienced or wisest among us.

These boards can help you somewhat balance and fine tune your behaviour. They can help you blow off some steam. Vent. But they DO NOT provide you with a guide to get your partner/family member/loved one/friend/etc. back (or back 'to normal'.

What did the 'don't contact me again'/'splitting black'-thing mean? Well... .it sure as hell meant a lot more than just that in all of my experiences. But what does it mean exactly in each particular case? No one knows. Not even the pwBPD will know. We only have theories.
The only thing I do know is that emotions and feelings are definitely there to trigger such a response. Just compare your own last post here. Your wording suddenly has become a little more harsh... .a clear sign that it DOES affect you and you DO care. It's the same the other way around. And that what makes it SO freaking hard. You know there still is this connection somewhere, but you just cannot seem to make it work.

So try to make it work by 'remaining light-hearted'? Yeah... .that's great for a while... .on a superficial level. But whenever the connection deepens again, those old unresolved feelings/issues/whatever will re-emerge. The fear of engulfment, fear of abandonment, the sense of self, the 'whatever-seems-to-be-the-basis-of-the-behaviour' will trigger at some point. And it will be fun and games all over again.

So try and resolve things by taking a more serious approach/talking? Yeah, you could be careful not to JADE and carefully try to move the conversation in the desired direction... .but for several reasons discussed on these boards, you never seem to reach real and genuine closure.

Imho opinion it probably still isn't completely hopeless, but we all seem stuck between a rock and a hard place. Nothing really seems to work, but the hope that it could all be fine eventually, keeps us involved.

As for your question, Once Removed, the answer is yes.