Girlfriend told me to stop contact, I did. She is now re-engaging. What to do?

[Jessica84]

  I'm so glad you had a nice weekend and are getting all this insight - straight from the source!

I've had a few light bulb moments myself... .helps to get out of own way and start hearing what they are saying, not how we are taking it (usually personally). Keep it up!

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[GD39]

it sounds like you are actively listening, with empathy. it can be amazing how much we learn, how much our partners really do communicate when we hear them.

you did well. what are your next steps?

I was waiting a couple of days before answering. I don't know. I am sort of trying to push the issue since she is already postponing going to the therapist. Yesterday I was soo frustrated. We started chatting and the back and forth, accusations, and all the good jazz that they can bring to the table was a bit overwhelming. I end up just agreeing with her that she will let me know when, but the fact is I dont think I want to wait to much, because her follow through in most things regarding to me is not a priority, even though in her view, it is. I decided not to do ANY contact from now on until if or when she decides to do so. I am so fed up of the victim mentality, and entitlement. I am not sure how to take some of the things she told me yesterday, but I will share with you guys later. I just cant today since I am very emotional. For starters, I sent her some pictures of our weekend, and asked her about what we had agreed. She ignored the latter, and came up with that by looking at the pictures she was now more motivated to get braces. Well, in the morning her phone was busy, asked for her to pick up, she said she was busy and would let me know when she could talk. Few minutes later she texts, I tell her I would call her, she says no because she was driving. I asked if it wasnt harder to text, her explanation, she was on a stop. That was quite a long stop! I am so pissed about calling her and getting a message that she is on the phone, but barely talks with me! I texted during the day, and in the afternoon she replied letting me know that she couldnt communicate with me because she was not feeling well, and the oh so common excuse, that she is busy with the kids. ALL DAY EVERY DAY? Come on! Well, she ended up texting for quite a while, and one of the first things was if I was going to get her braces. I stated about how her interest flows that way, and that was the break point for her. How I dont help her... .yada... .yada... .I spent about 600 during the weekend, and of course that is not considered. Well, from that was that she could do it on her own... .and so on... .basically stating that being / living with me was not an option... .

Once I calmed down I tried to translate that in normal speech, and i think that was her way of saying that she is scared of not being able to do it, and scared of depending on me as well, but she does not see the circumstances that brought us here. Dont know what to do. In the end she stated that if I could wait fine, and if not that we tried. TRIED WHAT! I am always left waiting. I am so angry today that all I want is to tell her to fxxk off. But I keep on repeating to myself the phrase I learned here, ":)ont make it worse."

And here I said I was not going to write about it. ;-)... .there is in a nutshell the story. Of course there is more to it, but that is all I could let out for now.

[GD39]

I'm so glad you had a nice weekend and are getting all this insight - straight from the source!

I've had a few light bulb moments myself... .helps to get out of own way and start hearing what they are saying, not how we are taking it (usually personally). Keep it up!

Thanks. TRYING! As you can see by my previous post. It is driving me up the wall

[Jessica84]

When I am angry I will tell you, I want to get it out, and all I want from you is to listen to me. I will calm, and then I will come back to you."

Translation: I want to feel heard. Validate my feelings, I will calm down faster.

Third insight... ."When I do something, all I want to hear from you is that you support me. Example, when I wanted to dye my hair, and I asked you about it, you said that you liked me just as I was. Why couldnt you support me?" I had to ask at that moment what she meant. "All I want is for you to tell me that you support what I need to do in order to feel that I am beautiful, a thing I need to do to feel good about myself, when I am feeling ugly."

Translation: I don't feel heard. Validate my feelings.

From a woman's perspective, we often feel less than attractive. Some go to extremes to look their best. We compare ourselves to photoshopped magazine covers of models. Women pluck eyebrows, suffer wax pain, tan/burn skin, wear shoes that hurt... .    All to look "beautiful".

For a pwBPD, multiply the sucky feelings by 100.

She FEELS ugly, she FEELS the need to change her appearance. Her FEELINGS aren't wrong. Is she ugly? I doubt it! But does she FEEL ugly? Telling her she isn't is invalidating, that what she feels is wrong. Triggering. You don't have to agree with her--> "Yep, you look ugly". <-- definitely don't do that! 

Think of SET--> "Sure honey, I'm sorry you don't like your hair as it is, but I'm sure the new color will look great. (Sympathy/Support). Sucks to not feel at your best (Empathy). You will always be beautiful to me" (Truth). In your own words, of course... Does this make sense? These are the type of validating responses that can help keep the pot from boiling over.

[once removed]

she may be putting the brakes on. thats okay. this was until very recently a "do not contact me ever again" situation. going from 0-60 could blow things up.

id dial it back a bit.

[GD39]

Think of SET--> "Sure honey, I'm sorry you don't like your hair as it is, but I'm sure the new color will look great. (Sympathy/Support). Sucks to not feel at your best (Empathy). You will always be beautiful to me" (Truth). In your own words, of course... Does this make sense? These are the type of validating responses that can help keep the pot from boiling over.

Sure does... .I really need to practice, but it seems that I am quite unsuccessful. I actually writing this with tears on my eyes. I feel so frustrated that I just dont find the key.

[GD39]

she may be putting the brakes on. thats okay. this was until very recently a "do not contact me ever again" situation. going from 0-60 could blow things up.

id dial it back a bit.

You are right. I have to do so. So no contact until she does is fine?

[once removed]

i think its less about not contacting her, and more about seeing where the relationship is (and where its headed, or not) and having realistic expectations.

contact is only one component of that. i wouldnt go the other way on this, and do the "let her come to me" approach. id dial back the nature of the contact (lot of fighting, lot of JADEing), and perhaps the frequency of it, and id keep it light and upbeat, and not push for anything.

[GD39]

i think its less about not contacting her, and more about seeing where the relationship is (and where its headed, or not) and having realistic expectations.

contact is only one component of that. i wouldnt go the other way on this, and do the "let her come to me" approach. id dial back the nature of the contact (lot of fighting, lot of JADEing), and perhaps the frequency of it, and id keep it light and upbeat, and not push for anything.

I was letting some time go by just to evaluate my response, and what is going on. Well, she postponed the therapist visit for a MONTH, as usual, everything else has priority over me, and no, I cannot keep it as not pushing for anything, because the issue is she has lied to me so many times, set up goals that never are achieved, promises broken over and over, that I just believe this was a thing of the moment and nothing is going to happen. I waited for over a year for us to live together, and THREE times whenever we were supposedly moving towards that she would RADICALLY change plans like moving to a new apartment without making part of the decision. I am feeling that this is more of the same, yes we will go to therapy, no next week, week after next, next month, and I keep on holding on to the words when the actions are saying the total opposite. HELPPPP! I am at my wits end! I am ready to just tell her to fxxk off, because the pain is too real, and there is no glimmer of her showing any consideration to my feelings. First it was one "thing I did," now more accusations are coming forth.

[once removed]

is her seeing a therapist a condition of getting back together, for you?

[EdR]

Hi GD39!

It's been a while for me... .I read your posts and things always seem to sound so familiar on these boards... .

Let me begin by saying that I feel for you. And I would like to share what I have learned over the past few years and several experiences: although I have learned and know a lot, I still seem to don't know a thing. Please be aware that this is true for even the most experienced or wisest among us.

These boards can help you somewhat balance and fine tune your behaviour. They can help you blow off some steam. Vent. But they DO NOT provide you with a guide to get your partner/family member/loved one/friend/etc. back (or back 'to normal'.

What did the 'don't contact me again'/'splitting black'-thing mean? Well... .it sure as hell meant a lot more than just that in all of my experiences. But what does it mean exactly in each particular case? No one knows. Not even the pwBPD will know. We only have theories.
The only thing I do know is that emotions and feelings are definitely there to trigger such a response. Just compare your own last post here. Your wording suddenly has become a little more harsh... .a clear sign that it DOES affect you and you DO care. It's the same the other way around. And that what makes it SO freaking hard. You know there still is this connection somewhere, but you just cannot seem to make it work.

So try to make it work by 'remaining light-hearted'? Yeah... .that's great for a while... .on a superficial level. But whenever the connection deepens again, those old unresolved feelings/issues/whatever will re-emerge. The fear of engulfment, fear of abandonment, the sense of self, the 'whatever-seems-to-be-the-basis-of-the-behaviour' will trigger at some point. And it will be fun and games all over again.

So try and resolve things by taking a more serious approach/talking? Yeah, you could be careful not to JADE and carefully try to move the conversation in the desired direction... .but for several reasons discussed on these boards, you never seem to reach real and genuine closure.

Imho opinion it probably still isn't completely hopeless, but we all seem stuck between a rock and a hard place. Nothing really seems to work, but the hope that it could all be fine eventually, keeps us involved.

[GD39]

As for your question, Once Removed, the answer is yes.

Hi GD39!

These boards can help you somewhat balance and fine tune your behaviour. They can help you blow off some steam. Vent. But they DO NOT provide you with a guide to get your partner/family member/loved one/friend/etc. back (or back 'to normal'. I have never expected a guide. I was venting, and wanted some input, because I am at the last of my rope.

The only thing I do know is that emotions and feelings are definitely there to trigger such a response. Just compare your own last post here. Your wording suddenly has become a little more harsh... .a clear sign that it DOES affect you and you DO care. It's the same the other way around. And that what makes it SO freaking hard. You know there still is this connection somewhere, but you just cannot seem to make it work. Well, I severed it today. The last straw happened yesterday. I finally sent a message in which I told her that it was time for her to show with actions, not words, that she really means that she wants to move forward, and that if she didnt do a thing in regards to make the appointment I was not able to continue. This was triggered on me, because I was seeing the old patterns emerging. She asks for money, and if things dont go exactly as she wants, I receive the brunt. "You didnt sent the money, I dont trust you... .yada, yada" I sent an amount and then tells me I should had rounded it to the nearest hundred" (even though I have sent double of what she asked for... .and so on. I just couldnt take it anymore. We are not in a relationship, she is not taking any steps to move it forward other than promises, and in the past, it is seldom that they come to pass. I cant put  myself on another month on this torture just to get in the end what has happened until now... .NOTHING. EVERY SINGLE time since we started communicatimg something negative comes up. Today it was all about me abandoning her. The message all it read was that I couldnt go on like this, that she had to make some clear cut effort to make me believe she was serious, that until then, I was removing myself from the equation, and that if and when she was ready, she could let me know. Here is the secret that I was keeping. She moved to the other city, and has become an escort. She doesnt get that every week that keeps on going that way, the less I can accept or tolerate the situation. Here she is escorting, and yet, wants from my money? I feel like a client, since she stated, after telling me she was coming to the area twice, "something else" comes up. Today her argument was that she needed to do a "couple of things" before coming over. She never shares what are "those things," and I just feel used. Having me hanging around. Cant do it! Not a single time my feeling or emotions are important. Is all about her, and BPD or not, its not a life that I want for myself. She leaves me all the time, and now is me that leaves her as her reality goes. 

So try to make it work by 'remaining light-hearted'? Yeah... .that's great for a while... .on a superficial level. But whenever the connection deepens again, those old unresolved feelings/issues/whatever will re-emerge. The fear of engulfment, fear of abandonment, the sense of self, the 'whatever-seems-to-be-the-basis-of-the-behaviour' will trigger at some point. And it will be fun and games all over again. And I found your last statement funny. Her fear of engulfment, expressed today, "I havent changed. I want things my way." Nothing further than the truth. If I ask for something, I cant get.

So try and resolve things by taking a more serious approach/talking? Yeah, you could be careful not to JADE and carefully try to move the conversation in the desired direction... .but for several reasons discussed on these boards, you never seem to reach real and genuine closure. I did, and all I got was the victim mentality. To leave her alone to heal (she was the one to approach). that I always leave her (I said that I couldnt keep on doing things the same way, which I dont, but no changes come from her side of the street. I have to be the one doing all the work, and again, BPD or not, its not equitable or fair. I could do 70 / 30, but no 99 / 1. And to top it all off, feeling alone all the time. Someone by my side that has no respect for my time, effort, money, feelings, not for me.

Imho opinion it probably still isn't completely hopeless, but we all seem stuck between a rock and a hard place. Nothing really seems to work, but the hope that it could all be fine eventually, keeps us involved.

All she did was to give me her victim spiel. Heard it, lived it, no more. I have more a feeling of relief than sadness. I just gave up on hope. She it not worth the price.

Thanks for your replies