BPDFamily.com

Hi, many thanks for reading my post.

For context I dated my exwBPD for a year. It has been 7 months since she broke up with me. Saying she didn't see a future for us. The breakup has been really tough and until now it's still a daily and constant thought. She was texting her ex during our relationship and that cut deep, I felt very betrayed. I am loyal almost to a fault. Although I know I'm better off without her and have been keeping strict no contact. She reached out a few times in the beginning but I kept it short. Today is my birthday and I started out hoping she wouldn't reach out because I wouldn't know how to reply. She hasn't but now I find myself wanting that validation. In general I just want her to come back and say that although we can't be together I was atleast great to her or valuable or something. Or that our relationship wasn't just a waste of time. I literally tried everything to make the relationship work and all I got for it was an emotional affair and my whole world shattered. Why do I still year for her. I'm sure she's on to the next man as we speak and I don't cross her mind.

I'm losing hope on love because everywhere I turn people are breaking up or cheating on eachother. I feel like it's impossible to find a caring, loyal, honest person who will love me truly for me, flaws and all and not just discard me at the drop of a hat. I honestly feel like I'll have to stay alone forever because people seem so self centered these days and are just in it to get what they can and leave. Maybe I'm just old fashioned. My nativity has definitely been shattered. Sorry for the rant but I'm hoping for some insight and help with this. Has anyone ever felt the same and how did you get through it. I feel like I will be stuck in this state forever and nothing will change. It's been the hardest 7 months of my life.

 

Welcome!

Am sorry you are going thru this.

It's not easy.  There is so much to learn here, when or if you want to, there is so much.

The thing that helps me is that there are caring people here who will reach out and share their experience, strength, and hope.

My situation is am separated from s.o. who is dx BPD, and he is untreated, we are still seeing eachother, going very slow.  During our whole 10 years, I didn't realize how much his illness was affecting our relationship... .

I can't change the past.

Keep reading here, keep posting, let us know more about your situation.

Am learning as much as I can here, every day.

With hope, help, and healing

juju

Welcome, heffen!

*welcome*

Let me join juju6860 in welcoming you here to bpdfamily, and wish for you as much help and support as I have received.  It's clear you have a lot in common with many of us here. This is a community where we help each other, so I'm sure if you keep posting and reading you will find it helpful. It helps to know that you are far from alone.

Thank you for sharing with us what you have thus far:


It is extremely difficult to detach from someone who suffers from BPD as the level of enmeshment involved in such a relationship is more entangled than a relationship between a Non and a Non. I am so sorry you are left feeling like this, however, I'm glad to hear that you have reached out to us, as that will be key to your healing. Believe me when I say this: We understand.

Do you have access to a therapist? If not, one can help you re-frame your emotional landscape into something more manageable, so that you are able to process this stuff safely. In my case, as soon as my wife left me (for the fourth time), I called a therapist. A month later, I joined this site and started participating in the tools, lessons, and discussions. I also make sure to get adequate rest, sleep, and exercise. I'm feeling better every day because I keep doing what works (re-read this paragraph!). :thought: You can start to feel better, too, and I sure hope this is the case.

We're glad you're here. I believe you will be greatly comforted by the support to be found here and the fact that we really understand what you are going through. We've all been there to varying degrees. Take care of yourself. We will look out for future posts from you.

Keep writing, keep processing, keep learning!


-Speck

Hi Heffen sorry to hear your story and I sympathize with you.That weird feeling of wanting her to communicate with you ,if you read some of my posts I’m in the same boat.However I feel even dumber because I left her and I still would like her to communicate to me(how pathetic is that huh).I believe we both think like this because it would mean the relationship meant something to them is they did.My exGF BPD cheated on me with her ex so don’t feel too bad about the texting part although yeah it hurts like a son of a b$&@ .These people have serious issues and require constant attention to feel validated and to fill the void they have in their lives.They are unfortunately not honest or sincere and no matter how much you love them it only gets worse ... .just remember it’s NOT ABOUT YOU! Never was so don’t feel cheap,don’t feel bad ,don’t take blame and the other ex she’s texting will fail as well they all do.

Hi Shawn lam.

Thanks for your reply its really helpful and insight. It's interesting to see how similar experience are with BPDSOs. I'll make sure to read ur posts. I do find myself looking for that validation or closure from her that the relationship was meaningful. Doubt it would help though. Sorry that you were cheated on. Mine promised me she never cheated but I have my suspicions. Most of her friends are cheaters and there were moments in the relationship where I believed she did. But I can't focus on that thought, it hurts too much and is crazy making. It does hurt like hell tho. It's hard to not blame myself, my self esteem had taken a huge blow but I'm working on reframing it that it wasn't about me. I keep thinking she'll be better with the next although I've read they just leave a wake of damaged relationships and people and that is the reality. Anyway thanks for your help and wish you all the best with your process.

Hey Shawnlam. Also wanted to say do not feel dumb for breaking up and choosing urself first. Something inside you knew you couldn't continue and had to get out. Just keep in mind what would the future be like. What if you were married and she just left you or cheated on you multiple times. Or the years of emotional abuse. If it's any consolation I forgot to mention I broke with my ex the first time. And I think our situations are similar. We had to break up with them because of something they did. Something that crossed the line or overstepped our boundaries. We didn't just leave them for no reason. We literally had to save ourselves and that takes a lot of strength & courage. Some people just stay and get used. Stay no contact, I know how difficult it can be. I'm 7 months in but like Ive read in ur posts, if for whatever reason she comes back it'll make me different to the harem of guys she keeps on the back burner. Believe me you'll appear much sexier and more mature and stronger than all those losers who are begging for more treatment. But also at the same time like my therapist keeps reminding me these are people with a real, proper mental illness that takes year to resolve with a lot of hard therapy. My ex was in therapy before but she ran away when it got tough. So they may never make it out the other side ok. Either way life is way too short to wait for them and it's a process but now we're free to find someone healthy and when we're stronger share our new awesomeness with them. We deserve better than lies, cheating and being blamed for everything.

Hello again, heffen:

Just checking in with you. How are things going today?


-Speck

Hey Speck. Thanks so much for checking in. Thanks for your first reply as well it was really helpful and gave me a lot of guidelines as to how to go forward. Today things haven't been so great. To be honest they haven't for some time. Find myself sleeping all day. Don't go to the gym anymore. Only leave to get food. Luckily I have been seeing a therapist but I'm thinking of finding another one. It's almost as if I go there just to talk but I feel like I'm not getting anything practical from her. It still helps a bit though. Im also going to see my local GP on Monday to start on meds. I'm really hoping they start to work because mentally since the breakup I've been through so much that I sometimes feel like I either can't go on any longer feeling like this or this will be my life forever. It's really discouraging. Also due to the breakup I have distracted myself from a lot of friends because I don't want to run into my ex. We have the same friend group and it'd be too painful to bump into her with her new date/ boyfriend and I'm just not ready for that.

Sorry for the rant but that's where I am right now. Thanks again for reaching out.

Hello there, heffen:

Thanks for sharing. It seems that you are having the toughest time. I am so sorry that, but I'm glad you're still engaging with us. We help and support each other here, and that's what you should expect.

Please forgive me as I paraphrase your over-all feelings below:


The vast majority of what you have shared with us is known as anhedonia, the inability to feel joy, which is a hallmark of depression.

No, you're not going to feel this way forever. Not at all. I know that you fear that you are, but from what you've described, it sounds like you are situationally depressed. There are a lot of moving parts related to why you feel this way, but you, friend, have been through quite an enormous psychological blow. For one thing, you're processing a painful breakup on top of feeling very isolated from your circle of friends. It's completely understandable that you feel the way you do.

I'm glad you have access to a therapist as this will be key in your healing. If you feel that you need to change therapists, I would champion your effort to do so. I think you would benefit from talking to a someone who absolutely "gets" you whereby you can forge a really awesome therapeutic bond.

Also, I'm glad you're seeing a local GP soon so that you can benefit from medication to help lift your spirits, even for a short while, so that you can focus on healthy processing. Although you may still feel depressed until the meds hit therapeutic efficacy (usually 2-3 weeks), the meds will help to keep the lows from being debilitating. In other words, hopefully, no more Saturdays spent in bed.

I've been right where you are now, and it sucks. For now, friend, keep doing what works. There is hope and a brighter future ahead. You are not alone.

Keep writing if it helps. We're open 24/7.


-Speck

Hi Speck.

Thank you so much for your kind words and affirmations. It's really helpful to know that I'm not alone and there's others who can relate to what I'm going through.

Thanks for pointing out anhedonia. I'll research online more about it. I'm new to a lot of the terms. The mind is a powerful thing and sometimes it can make you feel as if you're going to die. But other times I have glimpses of hope for a better future. You are very astute and I agree that I have been through a lot psychologically. I know I was probably depressed before I ever met her or at least very unhappy with my life trajectory in general. Than the idolization and love bombing felt so uplifting. Only for it to crash and burn. And thus I also had to cut off a lot of those mutual friends for self preservation. Quick question, is that the wrong move. Should I just link up with them to keep that sense of community and not isolate? Although seeing her would just be too much for me at the same time, I'm just not over her and fear either mistreatment, getting my heart crushed cause she's moved on or being charmed for another round. Im literally consciously choosing to not see her because I know this is not your normal run of the mill situation/ breakup. I don't know what to expect as I have no knowledge of BPD breakups.

As for my therapist I've give it a few more sessions before I reach out to another one because they're usually fully booked. As for the meds I'm really hopeful about them. I've never been on meds due to stigmas and tab and thus I don't know what to expect but at this point I have tried everything in my power and can't shake these feelings. Yeah hopefully no more Saturdays spent in bed. Can't wait!

Thanks again for your insights. You've been extremely helpful and empathetic.

Have been through the same, post-break up. I decided to rebuild friendships completely out with the social circles we were in. I really couldnt manage for the same reasons you say, that I didnt want to even be indirectly involved, was too much to deal with.

What you said that you were depressed before you met her, the intensty of the relationship uplifted your mood, well i can only imagine the downfall this time is likely to be worse than before you met?

I dont feel too depressed, but I do get some days like what you mention. i can only emphasise that besides medication and therapy, exercise and eating well have really helped me. I didnt want to dwell and anguish or feel a victim by the ending of this relationship so I do push myself to take time away from thinking about it (which is important) but still ensure i make progress towards my own future and setting goals to aim for. im fortunate to have made new friends too, which have been helpful, it is easy to self isolate when depressed but this can sometimes make things a lot worse. Good luck shaking off the blues but at the same time remember that the depression is also there for a reason, in my own mindset I see it as a signal that something isnt right and action is needed.

Hi, heffen:


This is a good question. I, myself, tend to isolate when I'm wounded. It helps me to just regroup. In your case, when you're up for it, what about seeking different friendships, different alliances than the group of friends you have now. Widen your circle a bit. Meetup.com is a great way to find like-minded peeps in your area that share your passions and interests. Do you like tinkering on robots? There's probably a Meetup group in your area. Do you like vintage photography? Again, Meetup. Just a thought... .:thought:

I hear that you do not wish to run into your ex and this is perfectly understandable. I don't want to run into mine, either. Widening our social circles helps with this and also helps us to cope by distracting us from our agony and rumination.

I have to remind myself daily that I'm not alone. And... .it helps me not to be.

As Cromwell so astutely mentioned, when you are feeling better, perhaps you can start partaking in intentional exercise again (going to the gym). As you most likely know, the benefits of being physically fit have been scientifically proven to positively affect our emotional/mental outlook.

Step by step, we heal.


-Speck

Cromwell,

Cheers for your response. It's comforting to know that I'm taking the right action in distancing myself because sometimes I feel guilt for whatever reason like it's the wrong thing but I know I need to take care of myself right now.

Yeah the idolizing was heavy and thus the drop from it has really added to my depression. Good news tho just got onto meds today so keen to see how that goes. Going to start gym in and exercising again slowly. Starting with basketball, hopefully I'll stick to it. I know I need to take time from thinking about everything and that I will survive and be OK if I don't but it's hard to be honest but taking it step by step. Hopefully setting goals and doing things for my future will help.

I agree that action is needed and I'm trying my best so hopefully things will get better slowly.

Thanks again.

Hey speck.

I agree that seeking new friendships will be of great help. It feels super hard to do at the moment but Im looking forward to it. Had looked into meetup.com. It's look cool. Also wanna start Jiu Jitsu class.

Guys also random question?

I've been having this thought that somehow my exBPD is going to be better with the next man. She got back into therapy when we were together. I was in therapy which inspired her to do the same after 3 years. Anyway I have these thoughts that she will get better, totally forget about me and then give herself fully and healthily to someone else. It's a painful thought for me especially cause I wanna get to a place where I could care less what she's doing but still find myself attached.

Thanks.

Your post made me smile a little heffen, im sure many of us can relate to this one. But I smiled because it reminded me of a saying we have here and I once relayed it to my ex when she kept making big plans of moving away to find happiness, she was always unsettled. I told her "wherever you go, you take yourself with you"

Its just a saying, but ive seen it through life to mean more than moving yourself geographically.

She is fundamentally, suffering from this condition that is not going to go away overnight - far from it. realistically its going to be years of very hard work.
 
Before she even begins to make any progress, (a huge assumption here that she will engage and cooperate in therapy) she will at the core, the same person that was with you but now with someone else, who will have to endure the good and the bad as best as they can in the meantime.

Maybe it might help if you take a step beyond that to an even scarier prospect. Lets imagine that it wasnt just a fantasy, but you found out it was true.

Ill answer from my own point of view of how id feel; the time i spent with my ex, was my unique relationship with that particular person at that stage of their own life development. I liked them and stayed with them up until a point, but when I did, I stayed with her as much for the reasons of her having the condition subconsciously she had as much as for the other side of her. It was one complete package. Just as there was something about me fulfilling her needs that kept her interested. Take away these factors and id safely say that there wouldnt have been that huge attracation in the first place and the R/S that endured, if I wasnt in some way a rescuer type and she didnt feel the need to feel a benefit from it. Now lets look at your prediction, and assume it will become true, in so far as she fully recovers from BPD.

Who is to say that once she got to that stage (which by the way, the odds realistically are highly stacked against) that she will see this person she is with in the same light that once attracted her in the first place?

The same as how I see my ex in a much different way, as time has went on, from those feelings I had that were so powerful in the honeymoon period and punctuated throughout. Not only can people change and develop through time, but our perceptions of people can as well.

Heffren -

Identical!   It's as if I were reading my own words when you wrote this post --- all of it.

I don't miss the anger and the constant blaming - but I do miss companionship and believing you have someone who is in your corner... .someone.    But I don't miss "the person" --- I miss the possibility.   

I often think about how much I hate starting over... .being on my own... .possibly being by myself into old age.   But let's be honest... .with my exBPD, I was alone then too.    I'm plodding ahead in hope of more. 

Hey Cromwell you make some very valid points. Points that bring things into perspective a lot. I guess it's just fears and my thoughts telling me she's happier and better with someone else than she was with me. I feel like even if she didn't have BPD that'd be a tough pill to swallow if you still had feelings for that person.

I feel like I am getting there very slowly though. I would be lying if I said there wasn't some part of me that still yearns for the loving moments we had. And that in a way they were some of the best moments I've had in a relationship because they were. It was so intense. I guess I'm just afraid of what's to come. And potentially not finding something similar or better. That's where I feel stuck. As I've said before I'm still attached to her and I want nothing more than to truly break the attachment so that I wouldn't feel anything even if I saw her with someone else. But for now that's not the case.

All that being said it's been all too easy for me to forget all the crap she also put me through and I think I need to be more conscious of that as well.

As always thanks for your help.

Hey tlc.
Firstly I've read some of your past posts and you are an inspiration honestly. You're compassionate and very insightful. Thank you for reaching out. It's interesting how similar either our experiences were or our feelings after the fact.

Hopefully things are getting better for you. I know that feeling of not necessarily missing the person but the potential of them. I haven't seen an image of my ex in 7 months. Just because it'd be too painful but I obviously still remember her and won't forget her but yeah sometimes I think I do miss her as well.

I definitely don't miss the anger, blaming, push pull, constantly trying to figure out her feelings, walking on eggshells only to be stonewalled whenever I tried to resolve anything. I don't miss being sworn at and the temper tantrums or random tears out of nowhere.

I like you also hate starting over. Never really been Mr. Casanova or into random meaningless hookups. So I guess I'm scared of settling for worse in the future or being afraid of being alone forever. That being said noone knows what the future holds and I don't want to give up on the idea of being with the one that truly loves me. As corny and fairytale as it's sounds.

Hi Heffen thats really great, pleased to hear. By the way, dont let anyone suggest that you have to feel bad about yearning for this person or remembering the loving moments you had, its just to not let these emotions sway your decision makings, which they can easily do.

If theres one thing I can say overall, do not feel bad about this relationship ending, dont take anything that was hurtful done against you personally. I did both these things until after a long time researching realised that I was trying to measure and compare myself to the normal relationships I had, you cant compare when it comes to BPD, very often the "right" thing to do normally is completely dangerous in a BPD relationship.

I get the vibes that your in a bit of an upbeat move, good for you and here for you whenever you need support, advice or just someone to talk to, I generally find I can relate to most things on here. Enjoy basketball, from what ive read, exercise of about 1 hour a day is just as effective as any anti depressant on the market.

oh and in my experience with PDs, you dont have to over think or be jealous that they are with someone else, its all just new novelty for them, it lasts 5 minutes until they show their true colours with them. they get a high surge of energy but its the low points that come back too soon and thats when the impulsivity, sabotaging, mind games and drama/chaos manufacturing starts again. Im so happy to have a quiet life back and dont miss the andrenaline kick one bit. Although I did for a long time miss it, so i fully understand.

Cromwell 

... .By the way, dont let anyone suggest that you have to feel bad about yearning for this person or remembering the loving moments you had, its just to not let these emotions sway your decision makings, which they can easily do.

Great reminder!

Heffren


The very best thing about finding this board is not just seeing so many identical things and thoughts and advise  that really help,  it really is seeing so many like-minded and kind people who still tried so hard even when they deserved more ... .and even when we've been kicked around... .  we can still have hope.   Fairytale or not -- we deserve it and I know there will be better days for both of us.          

Hello, heffen:

I just wanted to comment on your recent post:


I know, friend. It is extremely difficult to detach from someone who suffers from BPD as the level of enmeshment involved in such a relationship is more entangled than a relationship between a Non and a Non. It may take longer than you would ever think possible to get over your ex, but if you keep working on YOUR path, it will get easier with time.

Step by step, we heal.


-Speck

Hey guys.

So firstly thanks for all your replies. Sorry I haven't been on here in a while and didn't get back to you but I valued all your inputs. As a little update I've been doing better, started on meds and have been finding things a lot more manageable. Actually been able to focus on things other than her and the relationship/breakup.

That being said I remember I had said I was distancing myself from our mutual friend group. Well one of my buddies is leaving to go work in another country and he's gonna have a farewell party. I was approached by his brother and so I accepted the invite for this Sunday. Then later I was added to a group and noticed my BPDex is also in the contact list thus she's also been invited.

I don't know what to do. As I had already said yes and don't want to not go because she's there but at the same time I feel like it may open up wounds to see her there or have any interaction with her. I'm obviously not over her and I'm still processing a lot but I feel like I'm getting there. But I'm still very ambivalent and is seeing her possibly on Sunday going to hurt me? Because logically I know things won't work with her even if I went there and she was like I miss you, I love you, I want you back. Which I doubt... .But then I feel like seeing her either with someone else or even with no care and just indifference towards me will also hurt. I don't know what to expect but I feel like I have to go, to kind of prove to myself that I can get through to the next stage of my process and can't keep running away because she'll be somewhere.

I don't know I guess I'm just confused by it all...

Hi Heffen,

That's a tough decision for you.  What I'd ask is how much is it likely to impact you if any of those scenarios happens? 

If you were to rate it on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being indifference to seeing her and 10 being a major setback and a whole heap of pain to go through (again), do you think you could allow yourself to sit back and allow yourself to imagine each as if it were real and judge your feelings? 

Whilst proving something to yourself is valiant, as someone myself who does that to herself and often self sabotages in the process, I'd be hesitant to test yourself like that if it's too soon for you.  It's OK to protect yourself and make alternative plans to celebrate with your friend if necessary to keep yourself on track with your healing.  Carefully weigh up the pros and cons.  You have time.

Love and light x 

Hi HQ.

To be totally honest I feel in this moment seeing her would be an 8 on the scale of 1-10. In terms of just seeing her and what that may cause after. I'm sure it would cause more and more thoughts and feelings and potentially reopen wounds and more importantly wants. Also I'm sure if I saw her there with her new boyfriend it'd be totally devastating. I don't even know what her she's seeing anyone but I am willing to bet she is. It's been 7 months since the breakup.

So yeah im still nowhere near indifference at all. In fact I've only been feeling back to normal in the last 1-2 months or so. I'm still very ambivalent because when we broke up she started seeing a therapist but I'm not sure she's still in therapy or whether it's dbt even. I feel stuck because I know how I felt during and after the relationship. It was a total emotional roller-coaster and exhausting. And I'm still not totally sure why we broke up. She just said we were incompatible and didn't see a future.

Logically I know if this was a normal relationship I could try have closure or get to a place of peace but I also sometimes think what if she gets help can we rekindle things. It's just very confusing and I've been ruminating for so long on it but getting better and better. And I honestly don't know if it's true love I feel for her at this point. I do know that I still find her insanely attractive and have never had a connection with someone the way I did with her. At the time when things were good I believed I could've married her. I was very much in love with her or believe I was. But she would push pull, she would swear at me. Say I'm selfish, say she's tired of my insecurity only to find out she was texting a guy she was casually having sex with before we met throughout our relationship. The last time I saw a message from her to him she was telling him she misses him. And that our relationship sucked. A friend of this guys girlfriend even contacted me to tell me she was cheating on me with him. I told her and she promised she didn't and never would. She was just looking for attention. I was actually about to break up with her for the second time because of this situation with the other guy. But I didn't because she fell pregnant at the same time and we were not ready to have a baby so I supported her through the abortion and she gave me the silent treatment the whole time and left as soon as she felt better then disappeared for a few days and then broke up with me before I could break it off a few days after.

Anyway sorry for the rant but where I am in my process I feel like I'm getting there but there are moments where I do miss her or at least the version of her I fell in love with in the beginning. And no contact is starting to seem very scary because when I stared it I was angry with her and was looking to make her come back. And she did reach out but I replied briefly as she was angry then she sent a text that was the same text she sent when she was interested in me right at the beginning. This was 5 months into no contact so I know it wasn't a mistake. I didn't reply because it was basically a sorry I was trying to call someone else type thing but that's exactly how we hooked up. I didn't respond but I'm scared. She hasn't reached out since and I'm scared she's just done with me. Moved on and I didnt mean anything. Dunno why that hurts to consider. I just know I can't go through it all again as well just for her to leave me again. I'm just scared of losing her forever or never talking to her ever again. And deep down I know I can't just be friends but she's done things that may possibly never be able to go back and just forgive. Maybe I'm putting too much value on myself but she wasn't respecting me or the relationship and what will it say if I take her back? And yet noone gets to see that side and she's kept all the so called friends and now I have to make separate plan or miss out.

So sorry this is so long and all over the place I just really needed to get it off my shoulders. Thanks for reading and your insight as always. Blessings.

Oh and last thing sometimes I feel guilty for the no contact. Have never been no contact with anyone before this situation and at times I feel like it's the silent treatment and manipulative but I know the affect a she can have on me emotionally and no contact helps from me getting hurt potentially. Idk sometimes I just feel crazy and maybe like she doesn't have BPD and what I've done has lost her forever and pushed her so far away. That she thinks that I'm mad at her or trying to punish her. Idk... .

Never apologise for getting things out here.  That's what we're here for and it's good that you have taken the opportunity to let off some steam.  I can totally relate to the thoughts around her getting better and then things would work.  For the first month after I left my ex I asked out loud for the universe to make him better and send him back to me.  

Holding onto hope holds us back though and at some point we must accept reality for what it is.  She is not currently better in all likelihood and you cannot spend your life waiting in case it happens.  In the end I let go and began to heal.  Who knows what the future may bring, but right now we have the present.  The best way to use that present is to work on ourselves and create a life of our choosing, so that if some distant day in the future she comes back to you - recovered or not - you are in a stronger (which is attractive) place, emotionally healthy and on top of your game enough to have perspective and make healthy decisions based on what you see before you.

8/10 is a high rating for pain and damage to healing.  I'm glad you were able to assess this.  What then does this inform you to do?  It sounds as though you started no contact with dubious intent.  Would you say that you now regret that decision or have come to realise that despite your initial reason for it, you can see the benefit in your being able to start to move forwards?  How is the rumination these days?

Love and light x  

Guilt was also my companion for a long time for various reasons, but NC is not about your ex.  It is for you to take space and time away from the triggers and to take care of your own needs for the sake of healing.  :)on't beat yourself up.  Here's a reminder of why we use NC:

The key elements of "No Contact" are


to get the partner out of your day-to-day life,
to stop thinking in terms of a relationship,
to take them out of your vision of the future,
to stop wondering about how they are perceiving everything you are doing, and
to stop obsessing with how they are reacting (or not reacting) or what they are doing.

These are the simple objectives of "No Contact". You may need to remind yourself every day of what you are trying to do. It takes focus and determination to do this - at a time when you probably just want to sit down and cry. Just keep reminding yourself that it takes great strength and determination to be emotionally healthy.

The above is taken from THIS ARTICLE (https://bpdfamily.com/content/no-contact-right-way-wrong-way)

Heffen, have you read our article on Surviving a BPD breakup?  It contains the 10 beliefs that can keep you stuck.  If you've not yet seen this, I believe you'll find it helpful and I'd be really interested to hear if you feel any of these would apply to you.  I think I can safely say that all of us have held some if not all of these beliefs at one point or another and I've referred to this article more than any other in my own detaching.  You can find it HERE (https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality).  When we can identify what is holding us back from detaching, then we can actively focus on changing that.  I don't believe you valued yourself too highly.  You valued yourself highly enough to want more than what you were getting.  Those instincts are rarely far wrong.

Love and light x

Amen --- well said... .and I would dare guess that many of us feel the same way.   The things that the article say are very true and telling.   I experienced a lot of what you have been through --- they don't feel the same way about "us".   It's all about them and their survival... .at ANY (or anyone's) expense.   It feels like a no win situation --- stay in it and continue the pain cycle that (if we were honest) was bad enough to make you go no contact.    Staying away is maybe worse because it is hard to start over when you want the person that you fell in love with to be there --- but I'm not sure that person ever really existed... .or existed in what could have stayed a normal and healthy relationship.   BUT... .staying away gives you the chance of finding a normal and healthy relationship in your future... .  staying more than likely does not.   

Hey HQ.

I totally agree that holding onto hope in whatever form holds us back. And yet I think the hope is one of if not the hardest thing to let go of. The present is actually the only thing I have control over, and I'm not there but I know I want to create something amazing for myself and meet someone really special. Also wouldn't hurt to make her regret losing me.  :) but actually as I say that it wouldn't really bring me any happiness. Would never rub a new relationship in her face. And as u said, being in a stronger place, on top of my game it the most attractive position to be in and that's one of my biggest goals. Not for her but for me.

As for my pain rating it informs me that I still have a lot of work to do but I'm also proud of how far I've come regardless. At the worst points it been totally shattering. Being honest I did start no contact dubiously. Fueled by all the online dating coaches who say use NC to get them to miss you and contact you and don't falter or it's begging. And it seemed to work, she reached out. But even before that I came to realize the truth that it actually was more for me, for me to heal. To distance myself so I can get better. I would say that it has aided me immensely in moving on because continued communication with her and "friendship" would've been to painful and held me back. The rumination is getting much beeter, it's reducing every day and I've had moments where she doesn't even cross my mind for large portions of the day.

Many thanks for your advice and peace and light as always.

Thank for this. It really clears up a lot of the emotions I was feeling and I'll have to use it a reminder whenever I feel like back tracking until it just becomes my reality. I did read the 10 beliefs article and found a few of them a bit hard to accept but I guess that's part of accepting reality. It doesn't sugar coat things tho which I a good thing.

Amen sister.

It is all about their survival. Every man for himself. Always felt like I was damned if I did or didn't. I agree that staying away is harder especially when all you want is that person you fell in love with in the beginning so much. It feels like having the rug pulled out from u to realize that they never truly existed and what u have now is the true reality of that person. But part of true love is accepting someone or a situation truly for what it is and not changing it. Which is hard when someone has faults and bad behaviors that u wish they'd realize and change... .

Hey guys so quick update... .

Didn't end up going for the farewell as hard as I found it to stay away I sent the message that I couldn't make it. And the universe chose to bless me as well. My sister, her husband and my nephew and niece wound up coming on a short holiday close to where I live. So I flew down and its been amazing just to have my people around me who love me unconditionally.

Don't think I've been as present as I have this weekend in a while. That being said I knew I'd be getting whatsapp posts at some point from the event and dreaded seeing her in them. That being said they came and I saw. And strangely the emotional charge and immense anxiety I usually from just seeing her picture werent present. At least nowhere near before. It was almost just like seeing a picture of someone that I used to know. Or someone who used to be so important to me but now isn't. Don't know how to put it.

Anyway I did have a feeling of fomo and genuinely wished I could've been there but I wouldn't trade it for the time I've had with my family. Anyway as I looked at her I Baca me fixated on the fact that I just felt like she wasn't happy. Like her smile in the pictures and videos looks forced. Idk it's like I could just see through it and I honestly did see pain behind it. I even had to look at em a few times. Anyway still realized I obviously find her attractive. She looked very pretty but somethings kinda changed. It's weird and I don't know if it'll last but yeah that's where I am right now.

Oh and I don't know if I mentioned that after we broke up she became beasties with my ex before her. Literally the girl I dated before her. She didn't really even hang out with her now apparently they're besties. In a way they're very similar and I'm happy for their friendship if it's real but I just find it weird. Won't lie I thought how boss would it be if I showed up there like a boss. Super confident, had an amazing time and wasn't phased by my two exs sitting right there and owned the night. Maybe one day. Anyway just wanted to share that. Gonna try fall back asleep but ever since I logged on I've felt peaceful. First time in a while. I just feel good. My niece n nephew are slumbering in my room and I'm just tranquil.

Blessings... .

Heffren --

Phenomenal!   You may not see it that way, but that was a huge step... .and the ability to step back and analyze how YOU feel and how YOU felt about the situation.   I'm no expert -- but I think that your ability to be as honest as you just were in that post is a really big deal.   

We seem to get into this trap about how our actions may make them feel... .but being able to first put your feelings, future and emotions at the center of your actions... .  I am happy for you as I think it's a big step to start thinking that way instead of how you likely had.   

You know how you get into bad habits... .that's how I feel about the relationships we develop and continue to be the lashing post for BPD SOs.   You have to break your bad habit (putting a person who doesn't deserve to be put first, first) gives them something they don't expect (you not caring about how they feel), and they don't know how to react to that.   To me (my opinion only) their mental illness is all about survival and using the people around them (not so unlike a used car salesman) to make sure that their lives are neat, happy and intact.    What they don't know is that the illness they have (untreated) never allows them to really feel satiated and able to see a relationship for what it really is... .any relationship... good or bad.    They are on to the next.    My personal opinion about her becoming besties with your "ex" is for that reason.   There is no reason for her to befriend your ex.   If she was "normal", that would be the last person she'd have time for.   But the manipulators that they are --- it's all staged for a purpose -- to make you feel uncomfortable because you dared to say "enough".    Rock on!       

Hey all.

Hope you've been well and finding daily peace in each of your journeys.

I just had something I wanted to share and get your input on. So since the last time I was on here I have really made a lot of progress on just feeling more at peace with my breakup and all the rumination. I really resolved a lot of the emotions I had within me and started feeling better and focusing on myself more.

But the universe works in mysterious ways. Just as I'd been on this streak of feeling great... .Tonight I leave a very productive business meeting where I felt like I achieved a lot and to celebrate myself and my business partner decided to go grab a beer before heading home. For context there's a pub we frequent that's our go to but we decided to go somewhere else for a change. On the way there for some reason my buddy ends up still going to our usual place and he's like "we're here already let's just have one beer and then move on to the next place." Anyway we walk in everything is as it usually is. Then once I'm inside I realize that my ex's car is parked across the street. Then I peek outside and see the top of her head. I totally didn't see her as I was walking in. My buddy played piano as I chatted to some people I knew but I won't lie I was nervous she'd come in at some point. Anyway we hang out for a little bit and decide it's time to leave.

I didn't want to run into her realizing she was there so I asked my friend to pick me up from around the corner. He went to get the car and I left through the other door where I wouldn't have seen her. I crossed the street and he picked me up.

As we're driving he's like ":)ude... .Wasn't ur ex outside.?" and that confirmed it for me. It was definitely her. Anyway here's my thing, that place is a place where I used to frequent before we dated. If anything I took her there a few times. I just find it interesting that she all of a sudden has drinks there especially if she didn't want to bump into me. Maybe I'm reading too much into it because we have a mutual friend who goes there from time to time who I think she was with, not sure. I honestly didn't see anyone.

Anyway as I was leaving my buddy told me he saw her walking in but I was already on my way out the other door. I don't even know what I wanna ask I guess I just wanted to say that the interaction even though I didn't see her has brought up a lot of thoughts and emotions for me. Like should I have talked to her? Should I have shown her I was OK even though I wasn't and haven't been for some time? I don't want to undermine or rub anyone the wrong way by sounding like I'm backtracking or anything. I'm just being honest that I thought it would've been nice to see her or reconnect with her again in some way. I thought to myself maybe she saw me and will contact me in the next few days. But on the other hand I remember all the bad that we went through and reality sets in. I want to stay strong and stay on my path but a part of me still longs for her as bad as that sounds.

I realized I still have a fondness for her. Although I have no idea whether those feelings are mutual. In a perfect world we'd still be together but this is where the universe is taking me right now. I guess I still have a long way to go, I'm not as over her as I thought I was. I really did love this girl. Maybe it wasn't love but I'm learning everyday how to cope and manage this.

Anyway I just wanted to share and hopefully get some insight and advice on my situation. Tha KS for reading... .

Hey guys.

So I need some help. As I mentioned above I narrowly missed running into my ex. I find myself backtracking and struggling with a lot of thoughts.

I keep feeling like she left me because I wasn't good enough or I did something to turn her off me or I could've done better. Literally feel like everything I look at I can say I failed or wasn't perfect in some way. I'm battling with did she ever even love me. And I'm scared, I'm scared of what the future has in store for me because the more time passes the more I realize that it's truly over and yet I'm still stuck here while she's probably moved on and is with someone else.

And that there is literally no room in her heart for me. During the relationship I constantly felt like I didn't know what i was even doing and that I needed to try different things to keep her. Maybe that's where I went wrong. But she had changed and it was an emotional Rollercoaster and I didn't know what was coming next at any point.

I struggle with the fact that someone who has been into me more than anyone ever just changed and that all disappeared. Now she could care less. And if this person who was so about me. Who I feel I had the most connection to, the best sex. If she doesn't want me then who will? How can I even look at another girl when my mind is still on her? I'm so mad that I'm still here and don't give a cap about her because I still do. And it just hurts, it's been months and all I want is to move on and be happy but the universe keeps bringing me back to it just when I feel I'm better.

I've literally overthought every outcome. Including thoughts of what if she gets better and we get back together, or more recently what if she'll be better with someone else and they get married and she's the happiest and most fulfilled she's ever been. Wish I didn't care enough to wish her well and be happy for that but I still feel like why wasn't it me. I really tried my best with her but I feel like it didn't even make a dent to her and that she didn't love me and the time I invested was just a waste and had no impact at all. Because she's moved on so easily.

I just don't know what to do anymore. My mind starts to idealize her and wants her back just when I feel I'm getting there and she was special but I know I have to be strong and move on. I just keep going in circles. I don't know what my lesson is to learn from this. Especially if we're never getting back together again ever. Feels painful to say that but if I'm truly honest in the back of my mind somewhere hidden I had kept hope of her coming back and us living happily ever after.

This relationship has really shaken my perceptions on relationships in general. Realized there's so much I have to learn but I don't know what my lesson is anymore, feel like I am so incompetent. And I'm terrified because if I don't learn the lesson I don't want to ever go thru this again. I barely made it through this time. I've never been through anything like this... .

Sorry for the negativity I just needed to get this off my chest. Been up all night and I've really been struggling with this.

Hi Heffen,
The topic title alone, made me tear up. I read through the thread and think the journey and progress you've made in your life is beautiful. I hope you took up jui jitsu. Breakups are a lot like losing a loved one, because  there's a loss of having that bond in your life. And I think it's difficult because in a breakup the person is still out there for you to see. Whereas with death it's permanent and life has a way of forcing you to move forward. One of my favorite quotes is from Watchmen "The grimy parts, just keep getting brighter" Meaning the darker memories over time we tend to romanticize and idealize. It's easy to forget the bad. (I'm really guilty of this and working on it) Try making a list of all the negatives about her. I have one for my SO, I'm having difficulty detaching too. Don't beat yourself up about loving her. BPD people are complicated. There's a lot to love about them, it's just that there's a lot of other stuff that comes with them too.


I feel the same way. I'm not sure what is normal anymore or what the expectations would be in a healthy relationship. Remember that you learned how to date once, you can learn again. Don't think that because this one didn't work out that you are a failure or not good enough. The fact that you are worried about thinking of another girl before starting a new relationship shows that you are one of the good ones. Maybe if you decide to date again, don't search for relationship but work towards having positive experiences with people. Even if it's a friendly dinner date. Have a good dinner, share laughs with a nice person. Create new and happy memories.

At the end of the day what is it you hope for most? What do you want from her?

Heffen, I'm sorry that you're wrestling with these thoughts and feelings.  Letting go of hope is so tough and most of us can relate to that.  Eggfry has made some thoughtful suggestions and asked some really good questions.  What need do you think she filled for you?  How did you feel when you were together and how do you feel at the prospect of not being with her again?  In other words, what is it that you feel you are losing by not having her in your life?  In our Lessons (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=37613.msg347360#msg347360), we talk about acknowledging our feelings:

When we're dealing with a major loss or strong attachment, we begin our healing by acknowledging and working with our feelings. The feelings that are the stickiest aspects of attachment are:

the excited desire we feel when we want something,
the anxiety we feel about losing it, and
the sense of hopelessness that can arise when we fail to achieve it.

Acknowledgment doesn't just mean recognizing that we want something badly or that we're feeling loss. When you want something, feel how you want it—find the wanting feeling in your body.

Remember when you were feeling cocky about a victory and you beat your chest and said, "Me, me, me!"

Rather than pushing away the anxiety and fear of losing what you care about, let it come up and breathe into it the same way. And when you're experiencing the hopelessness of actual loss, allow it in.

Let yourself cry.

Do you think you've allowed yourself to move through this stage?

Then we explore the feelings further, observing them and beginning to understand what they are telling us.  What do you think your feelings might be indicating to you?  Is what she provided you with something that you can find ways to achieve for yourself?

We're here for you and will walk with you on this journey 

Love and light x

Hi all.

Just wanted to firstly say thanks to anyone who's taken time to reply to my posts. It has been super helpful and although I don't always reply back just wanted to let you know that it has been impactful.

I'm going to cut to the chase. I've been feeling really overwhelmed lately and just need to get this out. Hopefully someone can help me or shed some light on my situation.

So I had been feeling better just in general but a lot of things have kinda taken a tumble in my life and so I feel like I'm back to square one. I stopped going to therapy although I still utilize my university counselor for free. My therapist wasn't the best and I couldn't afford her rates in the end. My insurance wouldn't cover it. So I just stopped going. I also stopped going to class and then it became aca me this big thing and I couldn't go back for fear in general. So now basically I'm going to fail this year, again might I add. I'm tired of disappointing my family. They've really don't their best but I don't know how much more slack they'll give me. I truly never meant to hurt them but sometimes I just feel like I don't know what to do with my life/ myself/ my future.

Anyway I had traveled recently and I missed some days off my depression meds so maybe it has something to do with it. Anyway my dad's memorial of his passing was two weeks ago and I thought my ex would contact me because she knows it's a tough day for me but not a peep. Not a message, nada. If I'm honest and this is in no way to undermine anyone else's journey or look for backlash I'm just trying to resolve what's going on in my life. If I'm honest I still yearn for contact from her. In essence I still yearn for her. It's been so difficult to move on from her. It's been 9 months and still I struggle to disconnect.

Basically my thoughts keep going to the why. Why did she leave? Why hasn't she come back. And I've read so much literature with so many conflicting opinions I don't know which way is up anymore. Some schools of thought say that if you truly love someone you want them to be happy even if that's not with you.

And then I ask myself why didn't she want to be with me. And I look at my life and I already hate myself and feel I'm not good enough already, even before this and I can point to a million reasons. I'm old af and still in school. I have no job, no money, no prospects on the horizon. Why would anyone want me?

And then I think that it's been so long she's definitely moved on. She's definitely found the perfect guy for her. A provided, successful, ambitious, rich, good looking, great in the sack. Basically better than me in every way. That's how my mind thinks so thus she's gone forever. And the rejection eats me up inside because looking back although I know it wasn't working but I was willing to work at things. The only time I wanted to leave was because of her bad behavior. Writing that down I'm like why would I want someone who treated me badly or behaved badly. Maybe I want an illusion or the idea of who I think/ thought she was.

Anyway so then the rejection comes back to me. That I wasn't good enough, that I didn't do enough or should've done more. Because if I was perfect for her she would've never left. But maybe it's the way I am, I hate later hearing my partner has been miserable with me. I always try my best to give my partner what they need. Make them happy. Maybe I'm a people pleaser and that's not attractive.

Anyway looking back I can see where I played a part in our demise. I was always afraid to lose her. I made her way too much of a priority in my life. I was jealous. I was probably needy. I wasn't confident or felt like I deserved her. Although she gave me clear signs that all of this was to the contrary but that's besides the point. I'm owning those parts of me and working on them.

I guess what hurts is that I loved her more than she loved me. And it feels like it was all a lie. When she told me she loved me and would marry me. I feel like I had my time wasted and was taken advantage of by someone who never had any intention of doing any of the things they said. I'd be lying if I said I never saw us not working out. There were so many red flags for me in the beginning. But I pushed them aside. And then I fell in love. And she made me feel more alive than I ever have. And now I'm slowly realizing that that all meant nothing and she's really gone for good. Never ever coming back. But yet I can never forget that time we spent, the things we did. The things she told me. What I told her... .But with my luck she has... .My mind tells me that she's totally moved on. Some other guy now is the apple of her eye and he gets to have everything I failed at or was supposed to have. He's her focus of attention now. And I think to myself why does it hurt because if and when I move on I'd be doing the same to her. She won't be the focus anymore and I actually want that. Maybe it's my ego. I guess I find it hard to just delete or erase people like they didn't really matter.

Anyway long story short this experience really cut me deep. And I think to myself that even if she was happy for me I wouldn't want it. Because it'd be like we'll I didn't want you but I'm so happy you found someone in the end. And I'm like u don't deserve to be/feel happy for me or have any kinda say in my life because you were the one who destroyed me.

Sorry for the convoluted rant. I really had to get this off my chest. It's been eating away at me and still is and I need to heal it. Any help with be greatly appreciated.

Hi Heffen

ive speed read through this, what crops up as the main issue is self esteem issues and I see the same get repeated over and over in many other threads. A feeling of not being good enough but often, no specifics, just a general feeling.

I think its worthwhile to try and pinpoint specifics of what you feel about yourself that led to a belief of not being "good enough" for your ex. The end of the relationship could have been for factors that arent even related to this and often we can beat ourselves up over something that has became exaggerated.

Lastly, it is also important to realise how these insecurities were allowed to manifest themselves during the relationship. Ive had my own insecurities in relationships, but my partners have never made me feel them, ive felt at ease and comfortable just the way I was. In regards to my ex, she had a critical nature of others in general stemming from her own insecurities. I realise looking back that I could have worked myself to the point of whatever her ideals were and the goalposts would just be changed, ironically, I have the feeling that the reason we have finally broken apart was because I did change myself for the better and without sounding aloof or arrogant, there are signs there that I became "too good" for her as opposed to being deficient. It took a lot of reflection to start to come to these insights, I recommend you dig a bit deeper into the specifics of where that thought comes from rather than generalise it. Once you do, there is the scope to make changes of things that can be changed.

Hi Cromwell,

Thanks so much for your reply.

Yeah my self esteem is at an all time low right now. I agree with tmyou that it's would be good to get specific and if you'll humor me here's where i feel it stems from in regards to my ex. I just felt like I couldn't do right by her. I was damned if I did and didn't. She would say she needed space and I'd feel her pulling away but when I did give her space she would want to be all over me the next moment. So I was never sure what she needed to feel comfortable. I was kinda walking in eggshells about that and would try act cool about it but was fearful she was just going to lose interest. I never pursued but I felt like I was in a catch 22.

Another time she told me she is allergic to weakness because her mom was very unstable and almost like a child. I think her mom had BPD as well so she needed someone who was always strong and had a hold on their ___. I felt like I couldn't be that person because as stated before my self esteem hasn't been there. And lastly she wanted to be married by now with a kid or two. Financially I'm nowhere near ready to have a family and that's something I'm embarrassed about. I'm 31 this year and that brings a lot of shame to me.

So in my view I sometimes feel like I failed her. Like I wasn't man enough or didn't step up to the plate. I guess that's where I feel a lot of my shame and grief and unworthiness. She broke up with the guy before me for many of those reasons. He was unemployed, not driven and eventually their relationship just fell apart. When we started dating she'd confide in me about it a lot. She even compared us early on and I told her I'm not him im a totally different person. In a way did she manifest me again and see a dead end like she did with her ex? That's something that had always been on my mind.

Regardless of this relationship I just have a hard time figuring out my life and my role as a man in general. What's right, what's wrong. What's society's expectations on me and this breakup has just magnified that in my mind and made me feel inadequate. I literally look at all facets and can somehow find a reason for why I failed or am not good enough and it's destroying me but I don't know how to get out or even what reality kind of is anymore. Not to be over dramatic. I just feel overwhelmed, like what's the point anymore?

Oh and about insecurities I guess I've always had a strong fear of rejection/ abandonment by my partner. Ie they would leave me for someone better. My ex would always tell me about her previous lovers and escapades and they were fine when we just fooling around. I guess the nail in the coffin was her texting the other guy during our relationship and telling him she misses him and all this other stuff. And that our relationship sucked. I know she didn't choose to work on us and if she was truly that miserable then why didn't she say so? Or maybe we were just way too incompatible. And as irrational as I know it sounds I still put that on me. That I wasn't good enough, that I wasn't exciting enough for her. That I did something to sway her attention from me. Idk I just want to be someone's ideal one day and I invested so much and I never wanna hear my partner is unhappy or quietly not feeling amazing about us.

So I guess the act of her texting dude made me more insecure. And I was ready to leave her because of it. She just couldn't communicate and I told her it was unacceptable to me that she's chatting to dude she used to sleep with and she said it wasnt a problem but she can understand where I'm coming from but never changed. She still kept texting him and then dumped me at the end of it all. And yet I'm the one left screwed up while from what I've heard she's OK and doing well... .

Sorry went off on a rant but just being as honest as possible. Really need all the help I can get.

Hi Heffen

my advice is that in any relationship not just BPD, since you have no idea what the person you want to be with wants you to be (from your post: "someones ideal" you might aswell just be yourself.

Since your last relationship with a pwBPD doesnt know themselves who they are, let alone what they expect from you, it isnt realistic in my mind to generate too much talk of self doubt that you couldnt be the person that was "good enough". These feelings are just heightened by having the goal posts shifted so many times, I can fully understand and relate as to how you have ended confused.

As for that feeling at 31, its normal, its a good sign. You are just having an inner urge that you want to achieve more in life.

You have just came out of your 20s, It is not an unusual feeling at all, rather than fear that impulse, see it as something to work with, you have a long life still ahead to strive towards your goals. With regards to marriage, look at the divorce rate, a representation of how many people got together without having had gained suitable experience of selecting partners that had the right rapport. You have the opportunity to date and gain experience now, to find a partner that you have the right rapport with. You found out she had qualities you didnt like, these were not behaviours you forced her to do, they were things she did herself and displeased you. Recognise that and emphasize that your expectations were not met if you want to judge yourself as not having met hers. View it from both sides.

You did your best, you were yourself, regardless of what any faults you believe exist that stop you finding someone who will appreciate you for who you are, it is a wrong self sabotaging belief, and nothing more. My advice is to identity the things youd like to improve on, use that impulse you feel as a positive and keep dating regardless of where you are at now. Go for women you want not who you feel you deserve, all they can say is no.

the most important thing about rejection, which is inevitable when you are going through relationships, is to accept it as an occupational hazard of the goal of finding the right person and above all not to reject yourself.

Hey Cromwell.

Thanks for this I've read it a couple times over. It really hit home. You're right I did my best at the time. I really did but it's a situation that's beyond just me.

I guess I'm realizing that my anxiety really stems from fear. Fear of losing her, fear that she is the best I can do and that I'll be stuck because of it. Fear of what the future holds. For now I don't even want to date because as unbelievable as it may sound I'm still not over her and have some unresolved issues. It's just hard and I know it will take time. I guess the hardest part is letting her go because in this situation no matter how hard I try I feel it will end badly for me. And I adore her but I can't risk another breakup or my sanity. And in a way I feel like I owed her more somehow, like I could've done better or helped more or been understanding but I had no clue what I was dealing with. And I'm still learning more and more about BPD. Again it's just hard to let go and walk into the unknown.

I definitely wouldn't want to put someone else through something with me when I still have feelings for her. Whatever they may be but it's hard because it can get lonely sometimes and I yearn to have a partner I guess.

Anyway only time will tell, I need to come to grips that's its time to properly move on. The great lessons I've learned from this though is that I have become a lot more emotionally strong, it's taught me to love myself more. Be more objective when choosing a partner and not just go for whoever is around just because we like eachother. I don't regret it because I did get to experience amazing things and an amazing love with her but the reality is time for hope has ended and it'd time to move on.

Thanks again for your kind words. Who knows I might be back here soon backtracking but at least I know what I need to do.

What steps can you take for yourself heffen that are positive for you right now?  It sounds like there are some things you'd like to change in your life for yourself, and doing things for yourself is the best reason - not to meet someone else's expectations or wishes but to fulfil our own.  What's happening with your studies?
  Sometimes we become fixed on thinking about another person because it feels harder to look at our own stuff.  Do you have support from your counsellor still?  If so how is that going?

Love and light x

Hey Harley,

There are tons of steps I can take for myself that are positive. And I know I need to do them for my sanity but it's difficult. I've never really been great at making new friends. Or starting new activities. But I want to. I guess I've gotten used to the pain and sitting in it and trying to fine comb through every single detail that getting out of this state almost feel more painful and scary than being in it.

But yeah there's definitely loads of things I'd like to change in my life and to cut myself some slack I have been doing some positive things but I still feel empty. Maybe it's the coming back to my room every day and just the feelings that this space brings.

Anyway I'm rambling. My studies unfortunately are taking a hit and that's also causing me a lot of stress cause it's just compounding and feels like the hole is getting deeper. I basically didn't attend any classes last semester so when I get off holidays gonna have to face the music.

As for my counselor yeah I still go for sessions and I'm still on meds. It's going good it just takes a long time to get through things with her. One session a week is definitely not enough. But we've built a rapport and she knows where I'm coming from and has been very helpful. Just haven't been able to see her cause her dad is ill. So hanging in there until our next session.

Lastly I think what's been the most difficult is that my life literally changed after this breakup. How I felt about myself, my friend group, my studies. A lot of things were affected and I guess it just going to take time to feel normal again.

Anyway thanks for reading and sorry it was so long and all over the place.

Don't apologise heffen.  We all come here to offload and can be long and all over the place.  We get it.  A lot of stuff comes with a breakup like this.  As you get a little further out you will probably find that you are grateful for the opportunity to almost hit reset on your life.  Now you have the opportunity to make it look the way you would like it to be and to focus fully on that.  I know it can be hard to motivate yourself when you are stuck in a slump.  Trust me.  However no matter how small, you really have to make yourself take one of the steps.  And then another and another.  Slowly but surely they add up and whether you realise it or not, you'll be moving forwards.  Rome wasn't built in a day.  It takes time and effort to make changes. 

So my challenge to you is what will you do (and commit to do) today that you've been putting off?  It could be a phonecall to enquire about an interest group in your area.  Or a trip to the library to see what is going on that you can get involved in locally to meet new people and do something you enjoy.  It could be to engage in a hobby you've let fall by the wayside or to reconnect with friends for a coffee or just a chat.  If being alone in your room is the trigger for the thoughts, get outside and go for a walk.  Smile at passers by.  Whether you feel like it or not.  Sometimes we just have to do these things to get the ball rolling and the wellbeing feelings come later.  What will it be?

Love and light x

Ur absolutely right HQ. Very wise words I cant thank you enough. I'm learning albeit very slowly that perspective is everything. And although I'm not where I once was in a way as you said I got to hit the reset button and now have the chance to create what I want. Also I got to realize the people who are my true friends. Had a large friend group and although that was comfortable the real ones are the ones who stuck around. And I'm very grateful for the few real ones.

I also have been helping and partnering with my other buddy who recently launched a company and have been make some extra money from that and meeting new people and had some great experiences. While I was home I was so healthy and got my whole family healthy. And most of all I'm grateful for people like you, Cromwell, literally everyone on here who took the time to help out and share experiences.

So to answer your question, what am I going to do. Well what I can do right now is clean my room. Its been a hot mess . Just took a shower, feel great and clean and I've got some illustrations to do for a client for next week. Oh and go outside for a walk to get some groceries. It's not much but it's a start. And I think that's what I need to really own. That where I'm at in general it not much but just to be OK with it and grateful for all the things that I do have and how far I've come so far.

Thanks again... .

That's a great start!   |iiii You're absolutely right that it's those who truly care about us who stick around when things shift in our lives and I'm pleased that you've been able to do some work with one of your remaining friends.  Try to take a moment every day to think of all the positives right now and gradually build upon these.  You'll develop momentum in no time with that outlook!  Keep us posted on how things are going and check out others' threads.  It's also good for perspective to see how others are doing in the various stages and a good feeling to share from your own experience.

Love and light x 

I feel that love is a myth at the moment because I am currently detaching from somebody I had an affair with for years and I feel hurt and betrayed. In my case the intoxication of the sex and her apparent emotional fragility drew me in as we are attracted to our emotional equals.

The problem is that human beings are fallible, unreliable, unpredictable and many of us are damaged. As painful as this is we must not lose hope as there is a world out there full of wonderful people who are also looking for a committed r/s with somebody reliable. You just have to find them.

However, before you do that, look to yourself and examine why you were drawn to a woman who was disordered. In my case a beautiful unavailable damsel in distress who seems like she needs rescuing but in fact doesn’t, draws me in every time. I am beginning to understand the reasons for this. I seek validation, love, adoration and reliability. Sadly that is just not possible with a person with BPD or BPD traits, especially as I have my own abandonment issues. It is so easy to get drawn into a push/pull cycle without being able to get off the spinning wheel of dysfunction. Keep coming here and keep posting.