I feel like giving up on love, life and being happy in general

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi, many thanks for reading my post.

For context I dated my exwBPD for a year. It has been 7 months since she broke up with me. Saying she didn't see a future for us. The breakup has been really tough and until now it's still a daily and constant thought. She was texting her ex during our relationship and that cut deep, I felt very betrayed. I am loyal almost to a fault. Although I know I'm better off without her and have been keeping strict no contact. She reached out a few times in the beginning but I kept it short. Today is my birthday and I started out hoping she wouldn't reach out because I wouldn't know how to reply. She hasn't but now I find myself wanting that validation. In general I just want her to come back and say that although we can't be together I was atleast great to her or valuable or something. Or that our relationship wasn't just a waste of time. I literally tried everything to make the relationship work and all I got for it was an emotional affair and my whole world shattered. Why do I still year for her. I'm sure she's on to the next man as we speak and I don't cross her mind.

I'm losing hope on love because everywhere I turn people are breaking up or cheating on eachother. I feel like it's impossible to find a caring, loyal, honest person who will love me truly for me, flaws and all and not just discard me at the drop of a hat. I honestly feel like I'll have to stay alone forever because people seem so self centered these days and are just in it to get what they can and leave. Maybe I'm just old fashioned. My nativity has definitely been shattered. Sorry for the rant but I'm hoping for some insight and help with this. Has anyone ever felt the same and how did you get through it. I feel like I will be stuck in this state forever and nothing will change. It's been the hardest 7 months of my life.

[heffen]

Hi, many thanks for reading my post.

For context I dated my exwBPD for a year. It has been 7 months since she broke up with me. Saying she didn't see a future for us. The breakup has been really tough and until now it's still a daily and constant thought. She was texting her ex during our relationship and that cut deep, I felt very betrayed. I am loyal almost to a fault. Although I know I'm better off without her and have been keeping strict no contact. She reached out a few times in the beginning but I kept it short. Today is my birthday and I started out hoping she wouldn't reach out because I wouldn't know how to reply. She hasn't but now I find myself wanting that validation. In general I just want her to come back and say that although we can't be together I was atleast great to her or valuable or something. Or that our relationship wasn't just a waste of time. I literally tried everything to make the relationship work and all I got for it was an emotional affair and my whole world shattered. Why do I still year for her. I'm sure she's on to the next man as we speak and I don't cross her mind.

I'm losing hope on love because everywhere I turn people are breaking up or cheating on eachother. I feel like it's impossible to find a caring, loyal, honest person who will love me truly for me, flaws and all and not just discard me at the drop of a hat. I honestly feel like I'll have to stay alone forever because people seem so self centered these days and are just in it to get what they can and leave. Maybe I'm just old fashioned. My nativity has definitely been shattered. Sorry for the rant but I'm hoping for some insight and help with this. Has anyone ever felt the same and how did you get through it. I feel like I will be stuck in this state forever and nothing will change. It's been the hardest 7 months of my life.

[juju2]

 

Welcome!

Am sorry you are going thru this.

It's not easy.  There is so much to learn here, when or if you want to, there is so much.

The thing that helps me is that there are caring people here who will reach out and share their experience, strength, and hope.

My situation is am separated from s.o. who is dx BPD, and he is untreated, we are still seeing eachother, going very slow.  During our whole 10 years, I didn't realize how much his illness was affecting our relationship... .

I can't change the past.

Keep reading here, keep posting, let us know more about your situation.

Am learning as much as I can here, every day.

With hope, help, and healing

juju

[Speck]

Welcome, heffen!



Let me join juju6860 in welcoming you here to bpdfamily, and wish for you as much help and support as I have received.  It's clear you have a lot in common with many of us here. This is a community where we help each other, so I'm sure if you keep posting and reading you will find it helpful. It helps to know that you are far from alone.

Thank you for sharing with us what you have thus far:

Has anyone ever felt the same and how did you get through it. I feel like I will be stuck in this state forever and nothing will change. It's been the hardest 7 months of my life.

It is extremely difficult to detach from someone who suffers from BPD as the level of enmeshment involved in such a relationship is more entangled than a relationship between a Non and a Non. I am so sorry you are left feeling like this, however, I'm glad to hear that you have reached out to us, as that will be key to your healing. Believe me when I say this: We understand.

Do you have access to a therapist? If not, one can help you re-frame your emotional landscape into something more manageable, so that you are able to process this stuff safely. In my case, as soon as my wife left me (for the fourth time), I called a therapist. A month later, I joined this site and started participating in the tools, lessons, and discussions. I also make sure to get adequate rest, sleep, and exercise. I'm feeling better every day because I keep doing what works (re-read this paragraph!). You can start to feel better, too, and I sure hope this is the case.

We're glad you're here. I believe you will be greatly comforted by the support to be found here and the fact that we really understand what you are going through. We've all been there to varying degrees. Take care of yourself. We will look out for future posts from you.

Keep writing, keep processing, keep learning!


-Speck

[Shawnlam]

Hi Heffen sorry to hear your story and I sympathize with you.That weird feeling of wanting her to communicate with you ,if you read some of my posts I’m in the same boat.However I feel even dumber because I left her and I still would like her to communicate to me(how pathetic is that huh).I believe we both think like this because it would mean the relationship meant something to them is they did.My exGF BPD cheated on me with her ex so don’t feel too bad about the texting part although yeah it hurts like a son of a b$& .These people have serious issues and require constant attention to feel validated and to fill the void they have in their lives.They are unfortunately not honest or sincere and no matter how much you love them it only gets worse ... .just remember it’s NOT ABOUT YOU! Never was so don’t feel cheap,don’t feel bad ,don’t take blame and the other ex she’s texting will fail as well they all do.

[heffen]

Hi Shawn lam.

Thanks for your reply its really helpful and insight. It's interesting to see how similar experience are with BPDSOs. I'll make sure to read ur posts. I do find myself looking for that validation or closure from her that the relationship was meaningful. Doubt it would help though. Sorry that you were cheated on. Mine promised me she never cheated but I have my suspicions. Most of her friends are cheaters and there were moments in the relationship where I believed she did. But I can't focus on that thought, it hurts too much and is crazy making. It does hurt like hell tho. It's hard to not blame myself, my self esteem had taken a huge blow but I'm working on reframing it that it wasn't about me. I keep thinking she'll be better with the next although I've read they just leave a wake of damaged relationships and people and that is the reality. Anyway thanks for your help and wish you all the best with your process.

Hi Heffen sorry to hear your story and I sympathize with you.That weird feeling of wanting her to communicate with you ,if you read some of my posts I’m in the same boat.However I feel even dumber because I left her and I still would like her to communicate to me(how pathetic is that huh).I believe we both think like this because it would mean the relationship meant something to them is they did.My exGF BPD cheated on me with her ex so don’t feel too bad about the texting part although yeah it hurts like a son of a b$& .These people have serious issues and require constant attention to feel validated and to fill the void they have in their lives.They are unfortunately not honest or sincere and no matter how much you love them it only gets worse ... .just remember it’s NOT ABOUT YOU! Never was so don’t feel cheap,don’t feel bad ,don’t take blame and the other ex she’s texting will fail as well they all do.

[heffen]

However I feel even dumber because I left her and I still would like her to communicate to me(how pathetic is that huh).

Hey Shawnlam. Also wanted to say do not feel dumb for breaking up and choosing urself first. Something inside you knew you couldn't continue and had to get out. Just keep in mind what would the future be like. What if you were married and she just left you or cheated on you multiple times. Or the years of emotional abuse. If it's any consolation I forgot to mention I broke with my ex the first time. And I think our situations are similar. We had to break up with them because of something they did. Something that crossed the line or overstepped our boundaries. We didn't just leave them for no reason. We literally had to save ourselves and that takes a lot of strength & courage. Some people just stay and get used. Stay no contact, I know how difficult it can be. I'm 7 months in but like Ive read in ur posts, if for whatever reason she comes back it'll make me different to the harem of guys she keeps on the back burner. Believe me you'll appear much sexier and more mature and stronger than all those losers who are begging for more treatment. But also at the same time like my therapist keeps reminding me these are people with a real, proper mental illness that takes year to resolve with a lot of hard therapy. My ex was in therapy before but she ran away when it got tough. So they may never make it out the other side ok. Either way life is way too short to wait for them and it's a process but now we're free to find someone healthy and when we're stronger share our new awesomeness with them. We deserve better than lies, cheating and being blamed for everything.

[Speck]

Hello again, heffen:

Just checking in with you. How are things going today?


-Speck

[heffen]

Hello again, heffen:

Just checking in with you. How are things going today?


-Speck

Hey Speck. Thanks so much for checking in. Thanks for your first reply as well it was really helpful and gave me a lot of guidelines as to how to go forward. Today things haven't been so great. To be honest they haven't for some time. Find myself sleeping all day. Don't go to the gym anymore. Only leave to get food. Luckily I have been seeing a therapist but I'm thinking of finding another one. It's almost as if I go there just to talk but I feel like I'm not getting anything practical from her. It still helps a bit though. Im also going to see my local GP on Monday to start on meds. I'm really hoping they start to work because mentally since the breakup I've been through so much that I sometimes feel like I either can't go on any longer feeling like this or this will be my life forever. It's really discouraging. Also due to the breakup I have distracted myself from a lot of friends because I don't want to run into my ex. We have the same friend group and it'd be too painful to bump into her with her new date/ boyfriend and I'm just not ready for that.

Sorry for the rant but that's where I am right now. Thanks again for reaching out.

[Speck]

Hello there, heffen:

Thanks for sharing. It seems that you are having the toughest time. I am so sorry that, but I'm glad you're still engaging with us. We help and support each other here, and that's what you should expect.

Please forgive me as I paraphrase your over-all feelings below:

• Today things haven't been so great.
• To be honest they haven't for some time.
• Find myself sleeping all day.
• Don't go to the gym anymore.
• Only leave to get food.
• Distracted myself from a lot of friends.

The vast majority of what you have shared with us is known as anhedonia, the inability to feel joy, which is a hallmark of depression.

No, you're not going to feel this way forever. Not at all. I know that you fear that you are, but from what you've described, it sounds like you are situationally depressed. There are a lot of moving parts related to why you feel this way, but you, friend, have been through quite an enormous psychological blow. For one thing, you're processing a painful breakup on top of feeling very isolated from your circle of friends. It's completely understandable that you feel the way you do.

I'm glad you have access to a therapist as this will be key in your healing. If you feel that you need to change therapists, I would champion your effort to do so. I think you would benefit from talking to a someone who absolutely "gets" you whereby you can forge a really awesome therapeutic bond.

Also, I'm glad you're seeing a local GP soon so that you can benefit from medication to help lift your spirits, even for a short while, so that you can focus on healthy processing. Although you may still feel depressed until the meds hit therapeutic efficacy (usually 2-3 weeks), the meds will help to keep the lows from being debilitating. In other words, hopefully, no more Saturdays spent in bed.

I've been right where you are now, and it sucks. For now, friend, keep doing what works. There is hope and a brighter future ahead. You are not alone.

Keep writing if it helps. We're open 24/7.


-Speck

[heffen]

I've been right where you are now, and it sucks. For now, friend, keep doing what works. There is hope and a brighter future ahead. You are not alone.

-Speck

Hi Speck.

Thank you so much for your kind words and affirmations. It's really helpful to know that I'm not alone and there's others who can relate to what I'm going through.

Thanks for pointing out anhedonia. I'll research online more about it. I'm new to a lot of the terms. The mind is a powerful thing and sometimes it can make you feel as if you're going to die. But other times I have glimpses of hope for a better future. You are very astute and I agree that I have been through a lot psychologically. I know I was probably depressed before I ever met her or at least very unhappy with my life trajectory in general. Than the idolization and love bombing felt so uplifting. Only for it to crash and burn. And thus I also had to cut off a lot of those mutual friends for self preservation. Quick question, is that the wrong move. Should I just link up with them to keep that sense of community and not isolate? Although seeing her would just be too much for me at the same time, I'm just not over her and fear either mistreatment, getting my heart crushed cause she's moved on or being charmed for another round. Im literally consciously choosing to not see her because I know this is not your normal run of the mill situation/ breakup. I don't know what to expect as I have no knowledge of BPD breakups.

As for my therapist I've give it a few more sessions before I reach out to another one because they're usually fully booked. As for the meds I'm really hopeful about them. I've never been on meds due to stigmas and tab and thus I don't know what to expect but at this point I have tried everything in my power and can't shake these feelings. Yeah hopefully no more Saturdays spent in bed. Can't wait!

Thanks again for your insights. You've been extremely helpful and empathetic.

[Cromwell]

Have been through the same, post-break up. I decided to rebuild friendships completely out with the social circles we were in. I really couldnt manage for the same reasons you say, that I didnt want to even be indirectly involved, was too much to deal with.

What you said that you were depressed before you met her, the intensty of the relationship uplifted your mood, well i can only imagine the downfall this time is likely to be worse than before you met?

I dont feel too depressed, but I do get some days like what you mention. i can only emphasise that besides medication and therapy, exercise and eating well have really helped me. I didnt want to dwell and anguish or feel a victim by the ending of this relationship so I do push myself to take time away from thinking about it (which is important) but still ensure i make progress towards my own future and setting goals to aim for. im fortunate to have made new friends too, which have been helpful, it is easy to self isolate when depressed but this can sometimes make things a lot worse. Good luck shaking off the blues but at the same time remember that the depression is also there for a reason, in my own mindset I see it as a signal that something isnt right and action is needed.

[Speck]

Hi, heffen:

And thus I also had to cut off a lot of those mutual friends for self preservation. Quick question, is that the wrong move. Should I just link up with them to keep that sense of community and not isolate?

This is a good question. I, myself, tend to isolate when I'm wounded. It helps me to just regroup. In your case, when you're up for it, what about seeking different friendships, different alliances than the group of friends you have now. Widen your circle a bit. Meetup.com is a great way to find like-minded peeps in your area that share your passions and interests. Do you like tinkering on robots? There's probably a Meetup group in your area. Do you like vintage photography? Again, Meetup. Just a thought... .

I hear that you do not wish to run into your ex and this is perfectly understandable. I don't want to run into mine, either. Widening our social circles helps with this and also helps us to cope by distracting us from our agony and rumination.

I have to remind myself daily that I'm not alone. And... .it helps me not to be.

As Cromwell so astutely mentioned, when you are feeling better, perhaps you can start partaking in intentional exercise again (going to the gym). As you most likely know, the benefits of being physically fit have been scientifically proven to positively affect our emotional/mental outlook.

Step by step, we heal.


-Speck

[heffen]

Have been through the same, post-break up. I decided to rebuild friendships completely out with the social circles we were in. I really couldnt manage for the same reasons you say, that I didnt want to even be indirectly involved, was too much to deal with.

What you said that you were depressed before you met her, the intensty of the relationship uplifted your mood, well i can only imagine the downfall this time is likely to be worse than before you met?

I dont feel too depressed, but I do get some days like what you mention. i can only emphasise that besides medication and therapy, exercise and eating well have really helped me. I didnt want to dwell and anguish or feel a victim by the ending of this relationship so I do push myself to take time away from thinking about it (which is important) but still ensure i make progress towards my own future and setting goals to aim for. im fortunate to have made new friends too, which have been helpful, it is easy to self isolate when depressed but this can sometimes make things a lot worse. Good luck shaking off the blues but at the same time remember that the depression is also there for a reason, in my own mindset I see it as a signal that something isnt right and action is needed.

Cromwell,

Cheers for your response. It's comforting to know that I'm taking the right action in distancing myself because sometimes I feel guilt for whatever reason like it's the wrong thing but I know I need to take care of myself right now.

Yeah the idolizing was heavy and thus the drop from it has really added to my depression. Good news tho just got onto meds today so keen to see how that goes. Going to start gym in and exercising again slowly. Starting with basketball, hopefully I'll stick to it. I know I need to take time from thinking about everything and that I will survive and be OK if I don't but it's hard to be honest but taking it step by step. Hopefully setting goals and doing things for my future will help.

I agree that action is needed and I'm trying my best so hopefully things will get better slowly.

Thanks again.

[heffen]

Hi, heffen:

This is a good question. I, myself, tend to isolate when I'm wounded. It helps me to just regroup. In your case, when you're up for it, what about seeking different friendships, different alliances than the group of friends you have now. Widen your circle a bit. Meetup.com is a great way to find like-minded peeps in your area that share your passions and interests. Do you like tinkering on robots? There's probably a Meetup group in your area. Do you like vintage photography? Again, Meetup. Just a thought... .

I hear that you do not wish to run into your ex and this is perfectly understandable. I don't want to run into mine, either. Widening our social circles helps with this and also helps us to cope by distracting us from our agony and rumination.

I have to remind myself daily that I'm not alone. And... .it helps me not to be.

As Cromwell so astutely mentioned, when you are feeling better, perhaps you can start partaking in intentional exercise again (going to the gym). As you most likely know, the benefits of being physically fit have been scientifically proven to positively affect our emotional/mental outlook.

Step by step, we heal.


-Speck

Hey speck.

I agree that seeking new friendships will be of great help. It feels super hard to do at the moment but Im looking forward to it. Had looked into meetup.com. It's look cool. Also wanna start Jiu Jitsu class.

[heffen]

Guys also random question?

I've been having this thought that somehow my exBPD is going to be better with the next man. She got back into therapy when we were together. I was in therapy which inspired her to do the same after 3 years. Anyway I have these thoughts that she will get better, totally forget about me and then give herself fully and healthily to someone else. It's a painful thought for me especially cause I wanna get to a place where I could care less what she's doing but still find myself attached.

Thanks.

[Cromwell]

Guys also random question?

I've been having this thought that somehow my exBPD is going to be better with the next man. She got back into therapy when we were together. I was in therapy which inspired her to do the same after 3 years. Anyway I have these thoughts that she will get better, totally forget about me and then give herself fully and healthily to someone else. It's a painful thought for me especially cause I wanna get to a place where I could care less what she's doing but still find myself attached.

Thanks.

Your post made me smile a little heffen, im sure many of us can relate to this one. But I smiled because it reminded me of a saying we have here and I once relayed it to my ex when she kept making big plans of moving away to find happiness, she was always unsettled. I told her "wherever you go, you take yourself with you"

Its just a saying, but ive seen it through life to mean more than moving yourself geographically.

She is fundamentally, suffering from this condition that is not going to go away overnight - far from it. realistically its going to be years of very hard work.
 
Before she even begins to make any progress, (a huge assumption here that she will engage and cooperate in therapy) she will at the core, the same person that was with you but now with someone else, who will have to endure the good and the bad as best as they can in the meantime.

Maybe it might help if you take a step beyond that to an even scarier prospect. Lets imagine that it wasnt just a fantasy, but you found out it was true.

Ill answer from my own point of view of how id feel; the time i spent with my ex, was my unique relationship with that particular person at that stage of their own life development. I liked them and stayed with them up until a point, but when I did, I stayed with her as much for the reasons of her having the condition subconsciously she had as much as for the other side of her. It was one complete package. Just as there was something about me fulfilling her needs that kept her interested. Take away these factors and id safely say that there wouldnt have been that huge attracation in the first place and the R/S that endured, if I wasnt in some way a rescuer type and she didnt feel the need to feel a benefit from it. Now lets look at your prediction, and assume it will become true, in so far as she fully recovers from BPD.

Who is to say that once she got to that stage (which by the way, the odds realistically are highly stacked against) that she will see this person she is with in the same light that once attracted her in the first place?

The same as how I see my ex in a much different way, as time has went on, from those feelings I had that were so powerful in the honeymoon period and punctuated throughout. Not only can people change and develop through time, but our perceptions of people can as well.

[tlc232]

Heffren -

Identical!   It's as if I were reading my own words when you wrote this post --- all of it.

I don't miss the anger and the constant blaming - but I do miss companionship and believing you have someone who is in your corner... .someone.    But I don't miss "the person" --- I miss the possibility.   

I often think about how much I hate starting over... .being on my own... .possibly being by myself into old age.   But let's be honest... .with my exBPD, I was alone then too.    I'm plodding ahead in hope of more. 

[heffen]

She is fundamentally, suffering from this condition that is not going to go away overnight - far from it. realistically its going to be years of very hard work.

Hey Cromwell you make some very valid points. Points that bring things into perspective a lot. I guess it's just fears and my thoughts telling me she's happier and better with someone else than she was with me. I feel like even if she didn't have BPD that'd be a tough pill to swallow if you still had feelings for that person.

I feel like I am getting there very slowly though. I would be lying if I said there wasn't some part of me that still yearns for the loving moments we had. And that in a way they were some of the best moments I've had in a relationship because they were. It was so intense. I guess I'm just afraid of what's to come. And potentially not finding something similar or better. That's where I feel stuck. As I've said before I'm still attached to her and I want nothing more than to truly break the attachment so that I wouldn't feel anything even if I saw her with someone else. But for now that's not the case.

All that being said it's been all too easy for me to forget all the crap she also put me through and I think I need to be more conscious of that as well.

As always thanks for your help.

[heffen]

Heffren -

Identical!   It's as if I were reading my own words when you wrote this post --- all of it.

I don't miss the anger and the constant blaming - but I do miss companionship and believing you have someone who is in your corner... .someone.    But I don't miss "the person" --- I miss the possibility.   

I often think about how much I hate starting over... .being on my own... .possibly being by myself into old age.   But let's be honest... .with my exBPD, I was alone then too.    I'm plodding ahead in hope of more. 

Hey tlc.
Firstly I've read some of your past posts and you are an inspiration honestly. You're compassionate and very insightful. Thank you for reaching out. It's interesting how similar either our experiences were or our feelings after the fact.

Hopefully things are getting better for you. I know that feeling of not necessarily missing the person but the potential of them. I haven't seen an image of my ex in 7 months. Just because it'd be too painful but I obviously still remember her and won't forget her but yeah sometimes I think I do miss her as well.

I definitely don't miss the anger, blaming, push pull, constantly trying to figure out her feelings, walking on eggshells only to be stonewalled whenever I tried to resolve anything. I don't miss being sworn at and the temper tantrums or random tears out of nowhere.

I like you also hate starting over. Never really been Mr. Casanova or into random meaningless hookups. So I guess I'm scared of settling for worse in the future or being afraid of being alone forever. That being said noone knows what the future holds and I don't want to give up on the idea of being with the one that truly loves me. As corny and fairytale as it's sounds.

[Cromwell]

Hey Cromwell you make some very valid points. Points that bring things into perspective a lot. I guess it's just fears and my thoughts telling me she's happier and better with someone else than she was with me. I feel like even if she didn't have BPD that'd be a tough pill to swallow if you still had feelings for that person.

I feel like I am getting there very slowly though. I would be lying if I said there wasn't some part of me that still yearns for the loving moments we had. And that in a way they were some of the best moments I've had in a relationship because they were. It was so intense. I guess I'm just afraid of what's to come. And potentially not finding something similar or better. That's where I feel stuck. As I've said before I'm still attached to her and I want nothing more than to truly break the attachment so that I wouldn't feel anything even if I saw her with someone else. But for now that's not the case.

All that being said it's been all too easy for me to forget all the crap she also put me through and I think I need to be more conscious of that as well.

As always thanks for your help.

Hi Heffen thats really great, pleased to hear. By the way, dont let anyone suggest that you have to feel bad about yearning for this person or remembering the loving moments you had, its just to not let these emotions sway your decision makings, which they can easily do.

If theres one thing I can say overall, do not feel bad about this relationship ending, dont take anything that was hurtful done against you personally. I did both these things until after a long time researching realised that I was trying to measure and compare myself to the normal relationships I had, you cant compare when it comes to BPD, very often the "right" thing to do normally is completely dangerous in a BPD relationship.

I get the vibes that your in a bit of an upbeat move, good for you and here for you whenever you need support, advice or just someone to talk to, I generally find I can relate to most things on here. Enjoy basketball, from what ive read, exercise of about 1 hour a day is just as effective as any anti depressant on the market.

[Cromwell]

oh and in my experience with PDs, you dont have to over think or be jealous that they are with someone else, its all just new novelty for them, it lasts 5 minutes until they show their true colours with them. they get a high surge of energy but its the low points that come back too soon and thats when the impulsivity, sabotaging, mind games and drama/chaos manufacturing starts again. Im so happy to have a quiet life back and dont miss the andrenaline kick one bit. Although I did for a long time miss it, so i fully understand.

[tlc232]

Cromwell 

... .By the way, dont let anyone suggest that you have to feel bad about yearning for this person or remembering the loving moments you had, its just to not let these emotions sway your decision makings, which they can easily do.

Great reminder!

Heffren

Firstly I've read some of your past posts and you are an inspiration honestly. You're compassionate and very insightful. Thank you for reaching out. It's interesting how similar either our experiences were or our feelings after the fact.

Hopefully things are getting better for you. I know that feeling of not necessarily missing the person but the potential of them. I haven't seen an image of my ex in 7 months. Just because it'd be too painful but I obviously still remember her and won't forget her but yeah sometimes I think I do miss her as well.

I definitely don't miss the anger, blaming, push pull, constantly trying to figure out her feelings, walking on eggshells only to be stonewalled whenever I tried to resolve anything. I don't miss being sworn at and the temper tantrums or random tears out of nowhere.

I like you also hate starting over. Never really been Mr. Casanova or into random meaningless hookups. So I guess I'm scared of settling for worse in the future or being afraid of being alone forever. That being said noone knows what the future holds and I don't want to give up on the idea of being with the one that truly loves me. As corny and fairytale as it's sounds.

The very best thing about finding this board is not just seeing so many identical things and thoughts and advise  that really help,  it really is seeing so many like-minded and kind people who still tried so hard even when they deserved more ... .and even when we've been kicked around... .  we can still have hope.   Fairytale or not -- we deserve it and I know there will be better days for both of us.          

[Speck]

Hello, heffen:

I just wanted to comment on your recent post:

I guess I'm just afraid of what's to come. And potentially not finding something similar or better. That's where I feel stuck. As I've said before I'm still attached to her and I want nothing more than to truly break the attachment so that I wouldn't feel anything even if I saw her with someone else. But for now that's not the case.

I know, friend. It is extremely difficult to detach from someone who suffers from BPD as the level of enmeshment involved in such a relationship is more entangled than a relationship between a Non and a Non. It may take longer than you would ever think possible to get over your ex, but if you keep working on YOUR path, it will get easier with time.

Step by step, we heal.


-Speck

[heffen]

Hey guys.

So firstly thanks for all your replies. Sorry I haven't been on here in a while and didn't get back to you but I valued all your inputs. As a little update I've been doing better, started on meds and have been finding things a lot more manageable. Actually been able to focus on things other than her and the relationship/breakup.

That being said I remember I had said I was distancing myself from our mutual friend group. Well one of my buddies is leaving to go work in another country and he's gonna have a farewell party. I was approached by his brother and so I accepted the invite for this Sunday. Then later I was added to a group and noticed my BPDex is also in the contact list thus she's also been invited.

I don't know what to do. As I had already said yes and don't want to not go because she's there but at the same time I feel like it may open up wounds to see her there or have any interaction with her. I'm obviously not over her and I'm still processing a lot but I feel like I'm getting there. But I'm still very ambivalent and is seeing her possibly on Sunday going to hurt me? Because logically I know things won't work with her even if I went there and she was like I miss you, I love you, I want you back. Which I doubt... .But then I feel like seeing her either with someone else or even with no care and just indifference towards me will also hurt. I don't know what to expect but I feel like I have to go, to kind of prove to myself that I can get through to the next stage of my process and can't keep running away because she'll be somewhere.

I don't know I guess I'm just confused by it all...

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Heffen,

That's a tough decision for you.  What I'd ask is how much is it likely to impact you if any of those scenarios happens? 

If you were to rate it on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being indifference to seeing her and 10 being a major setback and a whole heap of pain to go through (again), do you think you could allow yourself to sit back and allow yourself to imagine each as if it were real and judge your feelings? 

Whilst proving something to yourself is valiant, as someone myself who does that to herself and often self sabotages in the process, I'd be hesitant to test yourself like that if it's too soon for you.  It's OK to protect yourself and make alternative plans to celebrate with your friend if necessary to keep yourself on track with your healing.  Carefully weigh up the pros and cons.  You have time.

Love and light x 

[heffen]

Hi Heffen,

That's a tough decision for you.  What I'd ask is how much is it likely to impact you if any of those scenarios happens?  

If you were to rate it on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being indifference to seeing her and 10 being a major setback and a whole heap of pain to go through (again), do you think you could allow yourself to sit back and allow yourself to imagine each as if it were real and judge your feelings?  

Whilst proving something to yourself is valiant, as someone myself who does that to herself and often self sabotages in the process, I'd be hesitant to test yourself like that if it's too soon for you.  It's OK to protect yourself and make alternative plans to celebrate with your friend if necessary to keep yourself on track with your healing.  Carefully weigh up the pros and cons.  You have time.

Love and light x  

Hi HQ.

To be totally honest I feel in this moment seeing her would be an 8 on the scale of 1-10. In terms of just seeing her and what that may cause after. I'm sure it would cause more and more thoughts and feelings and potentially reopen wounds and more importantly wants. Also I'm sure if I saw her there with her new boyfriend it'd be totally devastating. I don't even know what her she's seeing anyone but I am willing to bet she is. It's been 7 months since the breakup.

So yeah im still nowhere near indifference at all. In fact I've only been feeling back to normal in the last 1-2 months or so. I'm still very ambivalent because when we broke up she started seeing a therapist but I'm not sure she's still in therapy or whether it's dbt even. I feel stuck because I know how I felt during and after the relationship. It was a total emotional roller-coaster and exhausting. And I'm still not totally sure why we broke up. She just said we were incompatible and didn't see a future.

Logically I know if this was a normal relationship I could try have closure or get to a place of peace but I also sometimes think what if she gets help can we rekindle things. It's just very confusing and I've been ruminating for so long on it but getting better and better. And I honestly don't know if it's true love I feel for her at this point. I do know that I still find her insanely attractive and have never had a connection with someone the way I did with her. At the time when things were good I believed I could've married her. I was very much in love with her or believe I was. But she would push pull, she would swear at me. Say I'm selfish, say she's tired of my insecurity only to find out she was texting a guy she was casually having sex with before we met throughout our relationship. The last time I saw a message from her to him she was telling him she misses him. And that our relationship sucked. A friend of this guys girlfriend even contacted me to tell me she was cheating on me with him. I told her and she promised she didn't and never would. She was just looking for attention. I was actually about to break up with her for the second time because of this situation with the other guy. But I didn't because she fell pregnant at the same time and we were not ready to have a baby so I supported her through the abortion and she gave me the silent treatment the whole time and left as soon as she felt better then disappeared for a few days and then broke up with me before I could break it off a few days after.

Anyway sorry for the rant but where I am in my process I feel like I'm getting there but there are moments where I do miss her or at least the version of her I fell in love with in the beginning. And no contact is starting to seem very scary because when I stared it I was angry with her and was looking to make her come back. And she did reach out but I replied briefly as she was angry then she sent a text that was the same text she sent when she was interested in me right at the beginning. This was 5 months into no contact so I know it wasn't a mistake. I didn't reply because it was basically a sorry I was trying to call someone else type thing but that's exactly how we hooked up. I didn't respond but I'm scared. She hasn't reached out since and I'm scared she's just done with me. Moved on and I didnt mean anything. Dunno why that hurts to consider. I just know I can't go through it all again as well just for her to leave me again. I'm just scared of losing her forever or never talking to her ever again. And deep down I know I can't just be friends but she's done things that may possibly never be able to go back and just forgive. Maybe I'm putting too much value on myself but she wasn't respecting me or the relationship and what will it say if I take her back? And yet noone gets to see that side and she's kept all the so called friends and now I have to make separate plan or miss out.

So sorry this is so long and all over the place I just really needed to get it off my shoulders. Thanks for reading and your insight as always. Blessings.

[heffen]

Oh and last thing sometimes I feel guilty for the no contact. Have never been no contact with anyone before this situation and at times I feel like it's the silent treatment and manipulative but I know the affect a she can have on me emotionally and no contact helps from me getting hurt potentially. Idk sometimes I just feel crazy and maybe like she doesn't have BPD and what I've done has lost her forever and pushed her so far away. That she thinks that I'm mad at her or trying to punish her. Idk... .

[Harley Quinn]

Never apologise for getting things out here.  That's what we're here for and it's good that you have taken the opportunity to let off some steam.  I can totally relate to the thoughts around her getting better and then things would work.  For the first month after I left my ex I asked out loud for the universe to make him better and send him back to me.  

Holding onto hope holds us back though and at some point we must accept reality for what it is.  She is not currently better in all likelihood and you cannot spend your life waiting in case it happens.  In the end I let go and began to heal.  Who knows what the future may bring, but right now we have the present.  The best way to use that present is to work on ourselves and create a life of our choosing, so that if some distant day in the future she comes back to you - recovered or not - you are in a stronger (which is attractive) place, emotionally healthy and on top of your game enough to have perspective and make healthy decisions based on what you see before you.

8/10 is a high rating for pain and damage to healing.  I'm glad you were able to assess this.  What then does this inform you to do?  It sounds as though you started no contact with dubious intent.  Would you say that you now regret that decision or have come to realise that despite your initial reason for it, you can see the benefit in your being able to start to move forwards?  How is the rumination these days?

Love and light x  

[Harley Quinn]

Guilt was also my companion for a long time for various reasons, but NC is not about your ex.  It is for you to take space and time away from the triggers and to take care of your own needs for the sake of healing.  :)on't beat yourself up.  Here's a reminder of why we use NC:

The key elements of "No Contact" are


to get the partner out of your day-to-day life,
to stop thinking in terms of a relationship,
to take them out of your vision of the future,
to stop wondering about how they are perceiving everything you are doing, and
to stop obsessing with how they are reacting (or not reacting) or what they are doing.

These are the simple objectives of "No Contact". You may need to remind yourself every day of what you are trying to do. It takes focus and determination to do this - at a time when you probably just want to sit down and cry. Just keep reminding yourself that it takes great strength and determination to be emotionally healthy.

The above is taken from THIS ARTICLE

Heffen, have you read our article on Surviving a BPD breakup?  It contains the 10 beliefs that can keep you stuck.  If you've not yet seen this, I believe you'll find it helpful and I'd be really interested to hear if you feel any of these would apply to you.  I think I can safely say that all of us have held some if not all of these beliefs at one point or another and I've referred to this article more than any other in my own detaching.  You can find it HERE.  When we can identify what is holding us back from detaching, then we can actively focus on changing that.  I don't believe you valued yourself too highly.  You valued yourself highly enough to want more than what you were getting.  Those instincts are rarely far wrong.

Love and light x

[tlc232]

I think I can safely say that all of us have held some if not all of these beliefs at one point or another and I've referred to this article more than any other in my own detaching.  You can find it HERE.  When we can identify what is holding us back from detaching, then we can actively focus on changing that.

Amen --- well said... .and I would dare guess that many of us feel the same way.   The things that the article say are very true and telling.   I experienced a lot of what you have been through --- they don't feel the same way about "us".   It's all about them and their survival... .at ANY (or anyone's) expense.   It feels like a no win situation --- stay in it and continue the pain cycle that (if we were honest) was bad enough to make you go no contact.    Staying away is maybe worse because it is hard to start over when you want the person that you fell in love with to be there --- but I'm not sure that person ever really existed... .or existed in what could have stayed a normal and healthy relationship.   BUT... .staying away gives you the chance of finding a normal and healthy relationship in your future... .  staying more than likely does not.