BPDFamily.com

Hi there new to this

So here it goes girlfriend is currently in group therepy for BPD, which is great, only problem is I reached breaking point and I'm struggling not to trigger her... .Pretty much I snapped the other day and now I find myself devalued... I have been here before, we have broke up on a few occasions, I want to be with her, but I realise my coping mechanisms have wore down and I end up blowing up after she has shut down On me, I know how I react is completely out of order and only triggering her fear but the anxiety I get from her silent treatment and quick to leave control is difficult

Just trying to have somewhere to vent

Thanks

Hello Jimievs!
This is an awesome place to come for knowledge and support, this site is loaded with all kinds of extremely helpful information in regards to coping and adapting in a relationship with a person who is BPD, either undiagnosed or diagnosed as your girlfriend is.

Yes, the silent treatment is a difficult one to try and get through... .

I am going to provide you a link here, there are two videos embedded there which I found helpful in order to better understand what I was, and still am dealing with in my own relationship... .here is the link,
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=302605

Please keep posting and tell us more about your relationship especially how your gf came to be diagnosed with BPD.

Again welcome ! and hang in there !

Kind regards, Red5

Hey I'll join Red5 in welcoming you!

We tend to get very anxious when we are getting a silent treatment from a person with BPD, especially if it's "sudden" and unexplained. And when we do get the silent treatment we can't help but to overpursue, only causing them to shut down further. This is a difficult situation and I completely empathize with you. What's good to keep in mind is these shut downs may not have anything to do with you but just how she copes and if you remain calm in these situations, it will be contagious.

So what's going on with the devaluing after you snapped? What kind of terms are you guys on now?

Jimievs,

Here are some links to older threads about the “silent treatment” ie’ ST.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=330740.0

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=330840.0

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=330912.0

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=331040.0

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=331914.0

Red5

hi Jimievs,


what happened? is this the first time shes withdrawn or have there been other times?

Not the first time this has happened, we have split twice before, bit I find it's the being in suspension as to the outcome of the fallout, knowing whatever I do will cause problems, yet doing nothing seems counterintuitive

tell us more about what happened. we can help get you to steady ground.

what led you to the breaking point/snapping? whatd you do? how did she respond?

I responfed badly lost my temper and told her to go ... .The worst thing I could of done ... .As soon as said this I then tried to backpeddle which made no difference, what drove me to it was her anger towards me in asking her some plans she was thinking of, she blew up said some things and stormed off, I didn't react I just sat there and carried on, she then came back down and was silent for 10 minutes, after which she asked me if I was watching the TV is said no then she asked me what I was doing I replied just browsing to which she made a comment and got angry. I challenged her reaction then it escalated and I'd hit my emotion button and just lost my temper ... .I just feel at times I'm losing the plot

After I reacted and she got her stuff I tried to calm it down and give as many options to help ... .As in I'll go out for abit ... she can go out for abit anything to stop her from going to her bedsit as I know where it will lead ... .I wanted to calm then communicate in a better frame of mind ... .But it was futile... .So know she doesn't think she loves me, has had enough and can't recall anything before the argument, I understand all this I have done research into BPD but definitely navigating it is very hard

My reaction isn't acceptable, and I hate how I can, I just never been like this before I can get angry but not like I have with her I feel like I fall into the trap even when she has told me she likes when I lose it because it makes her feel shes now blame free, I find it madness, but I love her to bits

it is. youll need a strong support system, and it helps to have regular feedback both in times of crisis, and times of calm.

what has normally happened when this happens in the past... .does it blow over... .does anyone apologize, that sort of thing.

how long have the two of you been together?

Hey Jimievs

My "gf" also shut down on me and we're not talking, broken up a few times before and blocked each time and back to being together after a while only to break up again. Been like that for about two years now.

Now I've been posting here to figure out how to change my side of the dynamic. Maybe I can provide some insight and things/tools that have worked for me so far?


I relate to that, my gf has told me she loves pushing peoples buttons (even my own) even though she knows she'll get a reaction she doesn't like, it validates her own fears people will get mad at her and she was right to act hostile towards them.

Most of the time she expects me to not be shaken by it, its like a "please be strong enough for this", its hard to describe, she's often glad that I didn't even react to her provocations and just carry on as if that didnt just happen, sort of like a "loving indifference" if that makes any sense?

But yes you will have to work on your own strength if you want to go through, these tests will likely keep happening.

If you want there's a post here in the lessons section, its about "we have to stop making things worse before we can make them better". Sounds a bit like blaming us doesn't it haha but yeah two dysregulated people will clash hard (even though anger has its place, snapping is not exactly baseline), if you want to improve you improve yourself and hopefully she'll adapt to this new stronger you. So maybe start there.

Keep posting and asking, we're here to help.

I know I struggle with her not respecting things upset me and she crosses boundaries even when I tell her how it makes me feel ... .I have to try and not care about her talking to ex's or other guys that she somehow always knew but as she says she doesn't have friends, doesn't see issues in things she's done that I know shouldn't be accepted and I feel that I've took her back when I probably shouldn't of, but when I say this is acceptable I'm then told I'm controlling so I have to just let it go

We have been together 18 months there have been some big issues ... .usually I'll try and get her to talk to me then we start slowly again she stays at hers mostly then mine a few times ... then she will then be at mine most of the time until this happens, she wants to e on her own again we would talk and try and communicate when we have issues, this works for a period of time then falls away

Thanks for all replies people

I just feel bad for causing this, and all I want to do is talk and see her and hold her and at this moment it just breaking my heart and I can't do anything but try and keep it together

I can't really talk to my family as they don't know why I'm still with her after all that's happened and I'm only making them worry about me

If there's one question I like to ask, I t would be how should I react if everything blows over, it's hard to know after the space away how people react when they finally have communication again, do you talk about what happened or just brush it under the rug?

i might let her lead... .if she wants to talk about it do, otherwise, dont.

as i mentioned, it will help to work here, learn the skills and tools, and get feedback as your relationship progresses, both in times of calm, and crisis.

one tool that is a great start, and can help you not only next time, but also if she does want to talk about what happened is this three minute video on ending conflict: https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

give it a watch, and lets talk about it.

So an update ... .I said morning she replied... .It feels like we are strangers

I ask if we are ok?
 She replied she is ok am I
I asked are we still together
She replied no right now
We are on a break

did you say anything back?

Ive just accepted it

I have said I want to be with so I have to accept it

Pathetic I guess

its certainly good not to fight with her about it, and its good to give her some space.

now is the time to really dig into the lessons and tools here. youre going to need them.

It's just all on her terms... .If make a mistake in done for, if my tools let me down

did you check out the video on ending conflict? what did you think?

Yes I have checked it out thank you, it is helpful and I have been able to use this advice in the past, I'm kind of feeling that I must struggle to implement ways of avoiding conflict everytime , I have seemed to avoid conflict alot and my patients have been generally good I have learned to diffuse her in many situations, but it's when we miss communicate after so long that I obviously let my emotion take over, and all my efforts at avoiding conflict become pointless, I'm currently going to seek advice on anger and controlling it because after so much I'm not able to keep a lid on it, currently my gf feels I was angry before it all kicked off and that's why she left the room then came back to diffuse me even though I don't feel as though I was actually angry I'm confused

Hi Jimievs,

I'm sorry you are in this situation. It's not easy to handle.

I, myself, am in a similar situation, since my gf broke up with me a month ago, saying that she is feeling very hurt and angry, and we are in a very low comunication mode now.

How long has this situation been going on?

And for how long normally it lasts when you separate?

She feels I'm using her BPD against her and twisting what happens and I'm now wondering if it's my tone, mannerisms that put her on defensive without me realising

It's only been few days and I'm completely responsible for my actions, we have communication, but I'm like a stranger really,we have spoke and that's why I'm seeing my doctor tomorrow.

Usually it seems as though a week to 10 days is the time it takes to get back on a good level, it's like we slowly increase communication, she will start to interact more lovingly then recoil until we breakthrough, but this time something doesn't feel quite the same if I'm honest

From my limited knowledge and I hope this isn't the case and even though this has happened on other occasions, when she leaves and becomes a different person if that makes sense, I am apprehensive that this could be final discard? She's been talking online with her ex and another guy alot recently and spends more time with her family which I love her family but this never happened at the beginning of the relationship until she tried suicide and I intervened and the last time we split was only probably 3 months ago ... .So I'm kinda of preparing for the worst which sucks

It's feels like she had a need for me to become strong? And maybe that need has gone

... .a "deal-breaker"... .a boundary?... .has she crossed it?

Thoughts,

Red5

Yeh it is a boundary, I've told her how I feel about it, she says there nothing in it just friends talking ... .I'm controlling she can't do what she wants

I've backed down on everything that has happened and let it go... .

Things that have happened have been a relationship breaker with most people... .Family can't understand why I'm.still in it ... .Sometimes I don't know... .

I met her when I wasnt in the best place mentally and she brought something I was missing, love affection ... .

People say that my angry reaction with her is down to how she pushes and tests me, hard thing is even so I feel it's unacceptable and ashamed, when we met she told me how people had treated her and I couldn't believe it, how can people do that ... .Then I became the same

So flip it, in your own mind... what if Jimievs started talking to his ex girlfriend online... .and maybe the cute redhead down the street... .

I wonder what would happen?

Would your gf; person with BPD, "just let that go".

I wonder?


We certainly cannot, and don't want to "control" our significant others in a romantic relationship, but we also must not be their 'doormat'... ."let it go" is a good way to go, but that also includes letting her go, if she wants to go.

I heard a while back, on one of the endless YouTube videos I've been 'binging' on of late, the man said... ."once there is abuse, either emotional or physical abuse in a relationship, then that relationship is over... .trust is lost, damaged most times beyond reconciliation, ie' irrevocably... .and we must act accordingly.

Tough stuff,

Hang in there, and take care of yourself Jimievs,

Red5

She has said she wouldn't mind if I chatted to other women... .Or even kissed... .This to me is not right and I think how will I ever win( not a competition I know) how do I have boundaries with someone who doesn't seem to have any?

Yet her reaction to me talking to my cousin is one of jealousy, me and him are close probably become my best friend over the last few years ... .
 
It's like there are rules for her and for everyone else

it isnt a matter of just avoiding conflict.

its a matter of learning mature ways to resolve it, and the balance and coping skills not to make it worse.


what happened when you spoke?

She seems like a new person
There's positives that she spoke and said we can meet at weekend but in between there's an undertone of anger.
I've just apologised and took responsibility for my behaviour and rang doctors to maybe find some help for myself, but really it's mainly very distant like a new person, crumbs I guess

I know finding the balance is important I suppose when I get told to F off and have the phone put down on me hundreds of times even though I say thats not very nice for me to deal with for no apparent reason ( that's just what she does according to her)... .That there's a point when I can't take it and tell her to F off... .I know it's not good, I know all the time and effort and reading I do I just wasted

Thanks for all your care and interest it certainly helps me to get things out
I do take on board alot of advice and hopefully being on here can help me with future progress
Maybe a break will end up being what me and my partner need

Cheers all

*mod*

I am locking this thread because it has reached its length limit. The post originator is welcomed to open a continuation thread on this topic.