BPDFamily.com

My husband is impossible. I believe he is uPBD and I seriously am losing my mind trying to get him to feel how much I love him.

He's convinced i'm not here for him. That all of my motives are selfish and I only try to get him to love me because he's  my "toy."

He keeps saying "im spelling it out for you and you still arent doing the very simple thing I ask" - which is, be there for him. But I seriously cannot be there for him any more than I am and he still says I am not.

Last night I came home, we talked about job hunting and I made some suggestions that we talked through (he's unemployed right now).  We watched some TV and laughed together, talked about bikes and excercise, played with our cat together. It was nice. THen he passed out while I was in the bathroom. He's been sleeping in a different room than me because "Until you show me you love me I dont want to be next to you," so since he was passed out I simply closed the door so the cat wouldn't bother him. He has a hard time sleeping so things wake him up easily. He woke up about an hour later and sent me this long text about  how I'm still not addressing the problem and it's been over a week since the last time he said the exact same thing and I"ve done nothing since (except we have legit had like four conversations about it since then).  I literally feel like I'm banging my head against the wall.

And it's all cyclical. Like, eventually I know there will be a time when he comes around and I'll be the best thing that ever happened to him - probably once he gets a job, because obviously thats affecing his confidence right now, but in the meantime I dont know how to be more there for him than I am.

I dont even make plans with my own friends these days because it invovles making plans without him or that are "about me," so we make plans exclusively with his friends. I like his friends, but still. This weekend I made all of our plans for the weekend based on thigns I knew he liked to do - watch basketball, eat crawfish. He seemed to enjoy it all. but still. nothing. nothing is good enough. 

Anyone have any suggestions for how to get out of this cycle? I'm so lost. He told me today h e wasn't going to spend my birthday with me in a few weeks, so now any attempt I make to try to make things better he has labeled as "me only trying to get him to hang out with me on my birthday."

HELP

Hi eggshellfiancee! Unfortunately, I've been there. When my uBPDh was in his "phase," he constantly threw out how I never took his side, only married him for his money, only thought about myself, etc. Like you, I was desperate to show him how much I loved him and to take the pain away.

Thing is? That's impossible.

It was explained to me like this: Think of the pwBPD as a bucket with a hole in the bottom. You can try and try and try to fill that bucket with love and affirmation but it will NEVER be full -- and you will end up empty and exhausted through trying.

It's very common for Nons in relationships with pwBPD to become isolated from their own family and friends. It's important not to let that happen. You need your support system.

It sounds to me like you're falling into a pattern very similar to the one I was in: making him the total center of my world and arranging everything to try to make him happy. I broke out of it by defining and setting boundaries. I would not give up my relationships with friends and family. I would not cater to his every whim. I would be empathetic, kind, loving, but I would not admit to things that were untrue or were not my fault. It's not easy to do -- at all -- but so important and worthwhile for your own well-being. In my case, it actually helped. Once I stopped bending over backwards, there was some initial pushback, but our relationship eventually improved. Building strength and setting boundaries is beneficial, though, regardless of whether or not it helps the relationship.

Have you read this article about boundaries?
https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries
Have you tried any of this? Take a look and let us know what you think.

Yes!  I suggest you return the focus to yourself and your needs.  Put yourself first, for a change.  It's not selfish to take care of yourself!

What would you like to see happen?  What is the best path for you, going forward?  You're the Captain of your ship, not him.  I suggest you do what's right for you.  Stop doing back flips to please him.  Strive for authenticity.  Listen to your gut feelings.  Consult the Serenity Prayer if you get confused.  You get the idea!

LuckyJim

 

My bph has been saying the exact same thing.  I have lost count at how many times he had said that I never do the one thing he asks when he is raging.  It is ridiculous and he makes it known that he shouldn't have to tell me or ask anymore.
I think there is a handbook for generic statement made by people afflicted with BPD.  My bph has also been raging on me about how I ignore problems, I carry on like nothing is wrong, etc.  When in all honesty, it is he same conversations, just manifested in different ways. I get tired of beating my head on the wall too and I just give up.
I literally turned down a girlfriend on mine today that wanted a girls night out.  Told her flat out, he doesn't trust me enough for me to go out on my own.  He was accuse me of cheating, running around, etc.
I am sorry to hear that you are having to deal with all of this.  I want to echo what Ozzie said.  I remember I was told the exact same thing when I first started posting on here.
I too made my bph the center of my universe.  I unfortunately found out real quick that once I stopped doing that, he made it very well known that I wasn't taking care of him and being selfish, etc..  What I am getting at is, it is important to make sure you take care of yourself.  My bph had a unique way to make me feel awful for sometimes putting my needs first.  Being with a loved one that has mental illness is exhausting and will drain us emotionally if we do not do self care. 

I feel a large turning point that worked me that I see in your post is that you recognize there is a cycle and a pattern.  I felt like it was a baby step and I was just chasing my tail, but seeing there is an issue, is a step in the right direction.

I feel that Lucky Jim is correct to.  In order to break the cycle, it's going to have to start internally and seeing what the outcome you want and how you see your future.

I'm in the same boat. My therapist told me to
"Take the class, sign up for that activity, see your friends" . I need to warn her in advance, indicate when I'll be home ( always pad the time). I have to find the courage to do it, perhaps you do to...let's TRY.